Feel sad...

[janey62]

I saw him today, we went for lunch to 'talk'.  We did very little of that in the end; I could see he was holding on by a tiny thread so didn't push it. 

I explained again why I'm moving away and we both agreed it would be for the best.  I didn't say it was over between us, although I'm pretty sure it is.  He would have to get therapy, stop drinking as a way of coping and stop being abusive to me for me to even consider carrying on.  I don't think that's going to happen and I didn't say it to him today anyway.  He said that once I've moved we can stay in touch and see each other occasionally and I nodded.  I can cross that bridge when we come to it.  Today I didn't want any dramas.  We parted friends. 

I also got my moving date today, its next Wednesday, a week today actually.  I haven't got a lot to pack and move but it will still be a busy week. 

I feel strangely calm about moving, a bit sad and nervous, though also looking forward to a new start.  I have visited the village where I'll be living and spoken to a local woman who runs a pottery. She told me about the community and what goes on, even in such a small village.  I've also decided to join the Amateur Operatic Society in the nearby town.  They do musicals!  Its something I would have hated with a fiery vengeance up until recently, but now strangely I'm actually feeling positive about it. 

It will be fun, I can let my hair down, blow my inhibitions away like cobwebs and enjoy being fabulous!  Also hopefully make friends and have a social life.  It all sounds so grown up!   

Hope to sleep better tonight.  Had awful nightmares about being in a sinking boat last night and woke up all terrified.  Taking a life vest to bed with me tonight... .

Janey xx

[heartandwhole]

Hey janey, I'm sorry you are feeling sad, though I can really understand it.    I know I'd feel the same way.

I think your new plans sound fantastic!  A new environment, new activities, and new people will really help you focus on yourself, which is wonderful for your healing.

I did something similar and the new activities kept me busy and interested and were good and healthy for me.

I'm excited for you!

[BeHappyAgain]

What you're doing sounds... . brilliant !

That is all 

[janey62]

Thanks BeHappy 

And Heart  thank you too... . I'm hoping this new start is going to take me in a happier, healthier direction... . the sadness will have to run its course and take as long as it takes.  I'm thinking of finding a therapist once I'm settled to help me not to forget to look at myself.

Janey xxx

[heartandwhole]

I'm thinking of finding a therapist once I'm settled to help me not to forget to look at myself.

I think that's a great idea.  It helped me so much to have that outside perspective, and to know that I'm not alone – there are people out there who understand and can help us see ourselves and change.

[janey62]

I woke up this morning feeling a lot happier, was dreaming about the sea and walking along the shoreline.  It wasn't a tranquil solitary dream though, the water was swirling and there were rocks and weeds and fishes in the water and lots of people milling about, but it felt ok.

I'm afraid of being lonely living all the way out there on the moor; 364 square miles of open moorland with not many people living on it... . but I've been lonely before living in a city!  My plan to integrate myself and seek out people and activities should ensure against loneliness.

I had to remind myself when I woke why bf isn't here beside me.  It's not because I'm unlovable or a bad person, its because he is ill.  He keeps texting me saying he misses me and yet he seems not to be able to sustain being around me for long.  Detaching is hard but I am doing it gradually. 

Janey xx