What did it take for you to wise up?

[bpdspell]

Shakin My Head.

Good stuff.

And you are absolutely spot on about our being arrogant enough to believe that we can rescue them. How can our love fix or repair a genetic blueprint? I think the term is aptly called "vulnerable narcissism" and that certainly was the case for me. I thought I could bend my ex's will like a puppet by modeling to him the way I desired to be treated. But these relationships play out our schema's from childhood and I presume that this is what we are likely to do in all of our relationships until we fix the broken child within and/or our broken pickers.

As I child I wanted so bad to have my mother treat me with love, respect and validation but as a child you are powerless in the hands of a mentally ill person. So as an adult I choose a boyfriend who's an emotional replica of my mother and try to fix her through him.

Crazy.

Yeah. So this will be my first and my last borderline relationship cause there's nothing sexy about two people trying to fix broken schema's.

Spell

[BeHappyAgain]

Thanks Arn this is one of *those* threads that really helps...

Its bookmarked on my pc in my folder of other bookmarks from this forum, h3ll I've even given it its own theme tune [how many threads can boast that?]

Freda Payne - Unhooked Generation ! 

www.youtube.com/watch?v=cZTHxWYWbfs

[goldylamont]

a great thread. i'll throw my 2 cents in, although a bit less dramatic my decision hinged on simply trusting my instincts. and this is why i refer to trusting gut instincts often when talking with others as i feel trusting this 'inner voice' if you will has saved me from so much pain.

in my case things had been getting continually worse between my ex and i over the last 6 months or so of our r/s. i had spent the last 2 christmases and thanksgivings with her family. this final christmas her family and mine happened to be both only an hour away from each other. we both planned on driving down and spending 4-5 days with her family for the holidays (they were great so i was ok with this), but after not seeing my family for christmas in several years i suggested that we spend *part of* christmas day or *part of* christmas eve with my family, as they were only an hours drive away that year. she would have none of it, acted snotty and entitled and basically made me feel stupid for suggesting it was fair to spend 1/2 day with my family out of 5 with hers.

so, and i love that i did this now! before we left i just told her i couldn't do it. i told her she had to go alone if she wouldn't at least spend some time seeing my family. eff that, my feelings were hurt and i would rather stay at home and see friends then try and explain to my family why my ex wouldn't even make time to see them *again*. so i did stay. instead of 5 days with her family she ended up staying a couple weeks, in a way as punishment to me for standing up the way i did. i was living that bachelor life at home chilling with friends, whatever. but progressively as the days went by whenever i spoke to her on the phone she would treat me more and more disrespectfully. we got into an argument about what to do for new year's eve so she stayed her ass up there some more and we spent it apart. it was obvious to me that i was waving a white flag and trying to make amends and discuss the situation and she was just being more and more distant and disrespectful acting as if talking to me was a chore...

finally, i just had enough. i hadn't seen her for 2 weeks, she kept saying she wasn't sure when she was coming back (as punishment) and every convo she acted like i was dirt not worthy of her--eff her seriously. so during a convo after nye i just had an epiphany of sorts; there was almost a voice inside me that said "you need to stop". so i told her i couldn't do it any more. i wanted to end the r/s. it was a calm conversation and i didn't plan on doing it over the phone when we first started talking, but something told me i *should*. it was just a feeling. well, less than 12 hours later she ends up showing up back at home completely unannounced and i was there alone just needed to clean up some, but i know she thought i had some woman over at our house... how sick is that?

trying to process my decision to break up with her, and feeling guilty i had done it over the phone--i had the distinct feeling that she needed to be with this other guy who she dated years before. i know this sounds crazy but it's 100% true--i felt like i needed to let her go and maybe if she were with him or someone else she would see that i wasn't the problem and that she was because the problems followed her. and then maybe we could work something out in the future. well, crazy part is, unbeknownst to me at the time--she had been phoning and skyping with this exact xbf of hers over the christmas break, even flagrantly in front of her family (how disrespectful). this went on for days i think--so now i understood why she was so cold an mean to me over the phone; she had some other dude to validate her and make her feel good. i don't know how i knew but i did know, and i'm glad i did. it was simply trusting my instincts. sorry for the long post!

[shellsh0cked]

finally, i just had enough. i hadn't seen her for 2 weeks, she kept saying she wasn't sure when she was coming back (as punishment) and every convo she acted like i was dirt not worthy of her--eff her seriously. so during a convo after nye i just had an epiphany of sorts; there was almost a voice inside me that said "you need to stop". so i told her i couldn't do it any more. i wanted to end the r/s. it was a calm conversation and i didn't plan on doing it over the phone when we first started talking, but something told me i *should*. it was just a feeling. well, less than 12 hours later she ends up showing up back at home completely unannounced and i was there alone just needed to clean up some, but i know she thought i had some woman over at our house... how sick is that?

about like this (quoted from me earlier on this same thread)

By 10 that night... . mind you I had a five hour plane ride and was exhausted and had to work the next morning... . she was all over me.  Telling me about how guy that travel always cheat on their girlfriends... . ok... ?  So I skype her and walk around the room so she can see... . Jesus... . I will never forget her eyes... . like she was the FBI looking for evidence in a crime scene... . Something... . anything... . to prove I wasn't alone.  I'm not rich by any stretch... . the week prior I had bought her an $800 plane ticket... . so now I have another girl with me?  Found out later she said she thought I had her MOTHER with me!  How freakin sick is that?

[shellsh0cked]

trying to process my decision to break up with her, and feeling guilty i had done it over the phone--i had the distinct feeling that she needed to be with this other guy who she dated years before. i know this sounds crazy but it's 100% true--i felt like i needed to let her go and maybe if she were with him or someone else she would see that i wasn't the problem and that she was because the problems followed her. and then maybe we could work something out in the future. well, crazy part is, unbeknownst to me at the time--she had been phoning and skyping with this exact xbf of hers over the christmas break, even flagrantly in front of her family (how disrespectful). this went on for days i think--so now i understood why she was so cold an mean to me over the phone; she had some other dude to validate her and make her feel good. i don't know how i knew but i did know, and i'm glad i did. it was simply trusting my instincts. sorry for the long post!

Less than two weeks after the 15 year old ogling accusation in January where I broke it off with her for like the fortieth time, my xgf decided she wants to go "visit" with her xbf... . who I found out later she had been talking to about our relationship for months... . of course she goes up there and has sex with him and plasters pictures on facebook of her on the beach with that sorry as son-of-a-bhit... . Totally disrespectful... . Been there.