cognitive dissonance

[introuvable]

after a two-month long flareup of bad behaviors that culminated in verbal attacks on two people close to me, i have started disengaging from my possibly borderline boyfriend.

the more i disengage, the more he paints me black, insults me, and blames me for our troubles. but also: the more i disengage, the more he clings to me.

i understand that fear of abandonment is at the core of the disorder, but how do they reconcile their longing for the person who is leaving them with their hatred for them? how can hatred and need of the same person possibly coexist?

[Learning_curve74]

They need you like an infant needs it's mother. But they also feel certain that you'll abandon them and hate you for it. Thus the classic borderline characterization of "I hate you, don't leave me"... .

[SimplySeattle]

Mine did not cling to me at all. After she crossed the line, and I left, she just went on with her life as if I did not exist. Perhaps she was triangulating me with someone else... .

[AllisG]

Mine does the same.

He will say he's not going to talk to me anymore, that I can contact him if I want to talk.  Then a minute later he'll send me a text asking when do I think he'll hear from me.

I don't understand how much he needs someone who seemingly never does anything to his satisfaction, and who is so unloving and uncaring.

I can totally see the mother and child connection.  His mother was made to leave him for over a year when he was only a month old.