She kind of lectured me tonight...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

... . on the kids behaviors, how they were reacting and would react to he seperation, saying she was getting advice from other divorced moms. I said, yes, "object constancy," explained it in brief, the suggested she look it up. If she digs a little, she may find herself... . S4 took not seeing me for 3 days in stride, criticized my choice of color of repainting one wall, didn't like that I rearranged my room (so like his mother!). D1 took it harder, and missed me greatly, clung to me tight. Didn't want to talk to her mom when she called. The wisdom of babes... . I'm ok. The anger still cycles, and looking at my soon to be new financial situation, kind of depressed, but it is what it is, and I'll make the best of it.

[Turkish]

... . on the kids behaviors, how they were reacting and would react to he seperation, saying she was getting advice from other divorced moms. I said, yes, "object constancy," explained it in brief, the suggested she look it up. If she digs a little, she may find herself... . S4 took not seeing me for 3 days in stride, criticized my choice of color of repainting one wall, didn't like that I rearranged my room (so like his mother!). D1 took it harder, and missed me greatly, clung to me tight. Didn't want to talk to her mom when she called. The wisdom of babes... . I'm ok. The anger still cycles, and looking at my soon to be new financial situation, kind of depressed, but it is what it is, and I'll make the best of it.

[GreenMango]

Im not sure you need to put yourself in the situation to have her lecture you.  Realistically all of you are finding your way in the coming weeks and months as a transition.  The kids will have some adjustment too.  She may not be prepared for this.  People with BPD tend to not have much forethought and realistic perspective on how their actions affect others or the impact of their decisions because they are too wrapped up in their immediate emotional needs.

Turk it may help tp have some canned short answers for her when she starts with things that dont have real issue with the kids and such... . " yeah they are struggling"  " we are doing the best we can", etc ad naseum amd backing out of engaging her.

Sorry about the financial situation... . is there a timeline on the spousal support? 

[Mutt]

... . on the kids behaviors, how they were reacting and would react to he seperation, saying she was getting advice from other divorced moms.

Did she tell those divorced moms that she had a good husband and left for a fantasy?

Mine does the same. She complains about how difficult it is on the kids but she made the decision on her own, and didn't think of the other 5 people in the family.

Shoot first, aim later.

[GreenMango]

This is one of those real ironies of the disorder... . this is a mess of her making.

Turkish I remember you writing before a situation where it seemed like her own guilt was eating at her about being a good mom/her mothering skills and yet she came to you to resolve it and make it a 'us' problem like some how this would make her less responsible for failure.

if it isnt a critical time where you are trying to negotiate custody issues and she doesn't have much leverage you may want to notice this pattern and let her come terms with her own emotional issues and/or failings on her own. 

The upside of not being together is that you dont have to be an emotional partner/supporter/caretaker.  (Im not saying being mean or anything but just making room for yourself and those kids-one day there will be a new partner in your life and starting to make that room and distance seems important).

[Turkish]

... . on the kids behaviors, how they were reacting and would react to he seperation, saying she was getting advice from other divorced moms.

Did she tell those divorced moms that she had a good husband and left for a fantasy?

Mine does the same. She complains about how difficult it is on the kids but she made the decision on her own, and didn't think of the other 5 people in the family.

Indeed, Mutt. She told a few about her "mistake" though they don't know the whole story, while living with me largely expense free, falling in love (need) with a poor, disordered narc boy.  I think women get more sympathy, too. Those that sympathize, even with her half truths, are not decent people to me.

GM: yes, it was a very short conversation. A friend told me today that I should have said, "yes, I know. Good that you're finally on the ball about these things!"

Her narc traits make her do this. All in all, she knows I'm better with the kids and always have been. She will be making an effort to be a good mom, now, even half time (the other half she can be the teenager). And you know what? If it's good for the kids, then I don't care. She really has no power over me now. I think the FOG, though I still see it seeping down the mountain valleys, is far distant from me. I am VERY confidant in that I think I know what I am doing, take REAL ownership of any mistakes I may make (and don't devalue myself for when I make them), and reach out to get advice from many sources as I need to, whether I follow it or not, I still listen. Listening to her give psychological advice is one thing I am not going to do though. She'll listen to me... . in the way I've kind of always had with her, leading her to the right conclusion. If she takes credit for it herself, then that doesn;t matter to me. The right thing is the right thing, no matter how one got there.

Felt more peaceful today. Normal getting the kids ready. D1 just smiles and smiles at me from the back seat when I turn around in the car. That little girl adores me, and it feels good. Felt engaged at work today like I haven't been in months. Critical time, with downsizing, too. I need to make up for months of detachment here... .

Income and expense statements submitted to the L this morning. I still need her pay stubs and hopefully that will be enough to write everything up and present it to my Ex. I want this done, and then my boundaries will be bulwarked with regard to her.

[GreenMango]

Listening to her give psychological advice is one thing I am not going to do though

. Know that!

[santa]

LOL

Ah, when the inmates are running the asylum.

There's nothing you're going to learn from her. I think the reason BPDs latch onto their kids so much is that kids are the only ones that take anything they say seriously. She's feeling like the boss because she's got a little power with the kids. I guess she just wanted to flex on you a little bit. I hope you learned something.

[musicfan42]

GM: yes, it was a very short conversation. A friend told me today that I should have said, "yes, I know. Good that you're finally on the ball about these things!"

Your friend is right Turkish. Your ex is trying to dump all the responsibility onto you. You can only be responsible for your own actions, not hers. Put the responsibility back where it belongs- with her. You don't have anything to feel bad or guilty about.

[Turkish]

LOL

Ah, when the inmates are running the asylum.

There's nothing you're going to learn from her. I think the reason BPDs latch onto their kids so much is that kids are the only ones that take anything they say seriously. She's feeling like the boss because she's got a little power with the kids. I guess she just wanted to flex on you a little bit. I hope you learned something.

I learned that she is the same controlling Queen she always was, even if sounding sweet and sincere. Like another friend's first impression of her 6 years ago "she thinks she is smarter than she is." I'll take the sincere part and lead her in the right direction given the situation. If it's going the other way, then ignore. If she tries to get S4 into counseling, which she mentioned a few months ago (really? There's nothing wrong with him), then my vote is the couples'/family T she abandoned me to months ago. I've gotten to know him quite a bit and he counsels children, too. Decent man. Otherwise, I'll refuse permission, and I have that right as the other parent to do so. It's good I already saw language to that effect in the custody stipulation.

The funny thing was her going through an undergrad psych book a few months ago, trying to figure herself out. I looked through it (she left it lying on the coffee table by her bed (couch), and there was exactly one sentence about BPD. She'll never get there... . though I am open to carefully talking with her should some point in the future come where she is officially diagnosed.

[santa]

LOL

Ah, when the inmates are running the asylum.

There's nothing you're going to learn from her. I think the reason BPDs latch onto their kids so much is that kids are the only ones that take anything they say seriously. She's feeling like the boss because she's got a little power with the kids. I guess she just wanted to flex on you a little bit. I hope you learned something.

I learned that she is the same controlling Queen she always was, even if sounding sweet and sincere. Like another friend's first impression of her 6 years ago "she thinks she is smarter than she is." I'll take the sincere part and lead her in the right direction given the situation. If it's going the other way, then ignore. If she tries to get S4 into counseling, which she mentioned a few months ago (really? There's nothing wrong with him), then my vote is the couples'/family T she abandoned me to months ago. I've gotten to know him quite a bit and he counsels children, too. Decent man. Otherwise, I'll refuse permission, and I have that right as the other parent to do so. It's good I already saw language to that effect in the custody stipulation.

The funny thing was her going through an undergrad psych book a few months ago, trying to figure herself out. I looked through it (she left it lying on the coffee table by her bed (couch), and there was exactly one sentence about BPD. She'll never get there... . though I am open to carefully talking with her should some point in the future come where she is officially diagnosed.

My ex thinks she's some kind of a genius too. She thinks she's smarter than everyone... . especially me. She's never accomplished anything, but no one knows more than her. She always "outsmarts" me.

[Turkish]

LOL

Ah, when the inmates are running the asylum.

There's nothing you're going to learn from her. I think the reason BPDs latch onto their kids so much is that kids are the only ones that take anything they say seriously. She's feeling like the boss because she's got a little power with the kids. I guess she just wanted to flex on you a little bit. I hope you learned something.

I learned that she is the same controlling Queen she always was, even if sounding sweet and sincere. Like another friend's first impression of her 6 years ago "she thinks she is smarter than she is." I'll take the sincere part and lead her in the right direction given the situation. If it's going the other way, then ignore. If she tries to get S4 into counseling, which she mentioned a few months ago (really? There's nothing wrong with him), then my vote is the couples'/family T she abandoned me to months ago. I've gotten to know him quite a bit and he counsels children, too. Decent man. Otherwise, I'll refuse permission, and I have that right as the other parent to do so. It's good I already saw language to that effect in the custody stipulation.

The funny thing was her going through an undergrad psych book a few months ago, trying to figure herself out. I looked through it (she left it lying on the coffee table by her bed (couch), and there was exactly one sentence about BPD. She'll never get there... . though I am open to carefully talking with her should some point in the future come where she is officially diagnosed.

My ex thinks she's some kind of a genius too. She thinks she's smarter than everyone... . especially me. She's never accomplished anything, but no one knows more than her. She always "outsmarts" me.

Mine knows I'm more intelligent. I never threw it in her face. I actually toned down convos I wanted to have with her, and never let on like that. She is very good at her job, better than I would be, and can be organized (except in her personal life). I always told her that, too, to bolster her SE. She comes off to her family how much more with it she is than her siblings and her dad, mostly. The CD enmeshment. A few of her siblings resent her (but this is due to their own failings, and I think they own that lack of SE themselves... . older Bro probable BPD, younger sis has some traits).

I am lucky she is not trying to outsmart me, so it is good in a way she was so focused on her paramour, as she let things drop. If she came after me, I'd probably be toast due to her narc traits and how waifishly presentable she can make herself. In that I am generally so laid back, it's good for both of us, as I've let a lot slide (I know a few of here may have thought I was a bit Harvey Milquetoast, but I got her out with minimal drama). She got a RO on her last idiot BF. Then again, she needs me to help raise the kids. She knows she can't do it alone, and on some level, probably appreciates the fact that I am so engaged with them so they don't turn out like her.

I did get from her how to take care of babies, and I appreciate it. I'm not buying into what to me are her cultural superstitions. Her mom saw me tickling S4 when he was a few months old and told my Ex that babies have died from that. I also got the "showing them themselves in a mirror before they are 6 months old means they won't talk until way late." Of course, when D1 was born, I showed her herself in the mirror all of the time... . by ourselves. Kids need to have their shoes off half hour before bath time or they'll get sick (one wonders how school PE and showers are accomplished?). Most of that is probably cultural, and therefore by definition, not "disordered." They'd probably think I was disordered if I lived in their country with my US-centric norms.

It's like, however, I've "married" into a whole family of people that can't think for themselves. My Ex is probably the most confidant one, imagine that! They are generally nice, though, and I appreciate that.