Blocked her today

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

This morning as I was doing some journaling about myself I asked my self sone questions. 

Why would I even want a relationship with someone who I can't trust?  Why would I want a relationship in which my feelings don't matter or are turned against me?  Why would I want a relationship with someone who made me feel worse about myself?

I don't.  Period.  Now I played my own part of this dysfunctional dance for a long time.

I allowed these things to happen.  I had very poor boundaries and I had no respect for myself.  How could I possibly expect her to have respect for me? To adhere to boundaries that I never established?

However even in that I know that I can change... . I already am changing.  She can't because she is too afraid to even try.

This is both of our faults.  And while i miss her i do not miss who I am when I am with her.

It is said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

So although we are no contact and although we are not friends on fb.  Today I blocked her.   

I do not need to know what she is posting on mutual friends posts.  It just keeps me thinking about her.  I need a clean break in order to heal.  Not because she did anything or harassed me ... . but because I need this for me.

I know that even if she came back and took full accountability the dance would simply start all over again.  We are both simply too wounded to make anything else happen.

So I am done dancing... . and so far I am ok with that.

Last night I was having a bad night and several people helped me get thru it here... . this is such a fantastic place!

And today is consequently a much better day.  Up and down... but eventually the path will even out

[Allmessedup]

This morning as I was doing some journaling about myself I asked my self sone questions. 

Why would I even want a relationship with someone who I can't trust?  Why would I want a relationship in which my feelings don't matter or are turned against me?  Why would I want a relationship with someone who made me feel worse about myself?

I don't.  Period.  Now I played my own part of this dysfunctional dance for a long time.

I allowed these things to happen.  I had very poor boundaries and I had no respect for myself.  How could I possibly expect her to have respect for me? To adhere to boundaries that I never established?

However even in that I know that I can change... . I already am changing.  She can't because she is too afraid to even try.

This is both of our faults.  And while i miss her i do not miss who I am when I am with her.

It is said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

So although we are no contact and although we are not friends on fb.  Today I blocked her.   

I do not need to know what she is posting on mutual friends posts.  It just keeps me thinking about her.  I need a clean break in order to heal.  Not because she did anything or harassed me ... . but because I need this for me.

I know that even if she came back and took full accountability the dance would simply start all over again.  We are both simply too wounded to make anything else happen.

So I am done dancing... . and so far I am ok with that.

Last night I was having a bad night and several people helped me get thru it here... . this is such a fantastic place!

And today is consequently a much better day.  Up and down... but eventually the path will even out

[Johnny Alias]

Good for you man. It's hard. Really hard to let them go.

I was talking to a friend the other day. Compared my ex to crack and a healthy woman to an apple. One of these is good for you and the other isn't.

But to a crack addict?  We take it over and over again. Recycling thinking things will be different and we won't be hung over or dead after. But we are. Everytime.

Blocking is good. You especially don't want to see pics after she's moved on to another guy. That hurts really bad. If you do hear about it PLEASE don't think it will be any different with him.

They'll have a honeymoon phase and then it will be over. She will bring the abuse and cruelty to his world too. They cannot help it. There is nothing he not you nor the guy before could do.

Hang in there.

[Tausk]

Hey Allmostthere:

Congrats on the decision. It's hard, and I felt a lot of pull back to reengaging after about 3 months NC.  But over all it got much better for me when I decided, to stop googling her, and checking FB, or driving by her mother's house, or her new object's place, or looking to see if she and her new husband bought a new house, or how her career was going on Linked in... .

I found more freedom, when I was finally able to say no more, and stick with it.  And now I know nothing, and I want to reengage at times, but that's just the Disorder telling me to respond to my fears of independence by falling back into the Disorder.

So since, I've decided to live with the stark pain of being cut off, and going through the abandonment depression (still in process), my self awareness, self esteem and meaning in life are dramatically different.  It's new, it's scary, but it's better.

In fact although at times I still get lost in the Disorder, there a many times, that I'm living the life that I've always dreams about in terms or self acceptance and awareness.

I believe that it will get better for you too.

[Allmessedup]

Thanks to u both!

It is hard.  Very hard.  But I feel like I am prolonging the pain if I keep looking.  Drives me crazy.   I also feel like it was manipulative on both our parts to a degree.  I certainly was posting about whatever good happened in my day ( mostly in regards to my kids) and joking around on other friends mutual walls.  She did the same.

I don't think what either of us portrayed was the truth and once I realized it was manipulative I had to just end it.  Now she can't see me and I can't see her.  A win win I think.

As for her moving on to my replacement... . well  I don't know if she will or not.  I think I have said on here she is 50 (51 in a week or so). And she is definitely a waif /hermit.  She has no social life beyond the internet and no job as she is classified as disabled.

She had not been in a relationship for 9 years before me.  So she doesn't always have replacements.  Before me though she devoted her entire life to her kids.  But they are both gone now at college and I am not dancing.  So who knows what she will do?  I am sure I will hear eventually if anything does occur.

But all I can do is work on me.  Be the best mom   I can be for my kids and somehow eventually figure out how a healthy relationship is supposed to play out but that is way down the road... .

I am quite a bit younger than she is (40) so I have plenty of time

[Tausk]

Yeah, in my first year out, I knew that my ex was checking my FB and I deliberately included things that I thought she might read. It's pretty common behavior from us on this board.

But that was action that kept me in the Disorder.  It's the actions that helped me to truly surrender to the fact that the Disorder is beyond manipulation that provided me with freedom.

It's very scary working without the net of the Disorder.  At first it's filled with anger rage and hurt.  But then being free of the Disorder for me, felt brutally cold, hard and icy inside.  But I realized that was just a void that existed long before my ex came into my life, and I've begun to fill it with the self that I was meant to be, if my childhood had been "ideal."

Congrats and keep on the board.

[Allmessedup]

Exactly tausk!

Honestly a lot of it was that I wanted her to see I was doing just fine without her.  And I am... . except when I am not.

But cutting that off helps in some strange way.  It is important I do this and it needs to be me alone.

I suppose I think if I can do this alone that will go a long way to helping my self confidence.

It is a cold angry place... And a sad place too.  Today I have been more angry than anything else.  But I will take it over sad any day.

How far out in the journey are u?

[myself]

It's not to punish them, or even get them to see the light.

It's to stop playing games and stay away from darkening your progress.

One door closes, another opens. If you see it that way.

[Tausk]

Exactly tausk!

Honestly a lot of it was that I wanted her to see I was doing just fine without her.  And I am... . except when I am not.

But cutting that off helps in some strange way.  It is important I do this and it needs to be me alone.

I suppose I think if I can do this alone that will go a long way to helping my self confidence.

It is a cold angry place... And a sad place too.  Today I have been more angry than anything else.  But I will take it over sad any day.

How far out in the journey are u?

It's our journey, but I don't think I'm doing it alone.  I'm with people on the board, my therapist, real friends, family, other people in my life who are good to me and share with me... . I'm just doing it without my ex, which is what I need to be free of the Disorder.

But I'm not alone.  In fact, I've never felt more connected in my entire life.  I've learned to try and surround myself with people who are also givers.  I'm learning to be ok in my own skin. I'm looking at my schemas and developing real meaning in my life.

It doesn't mean I've stopped obsessing, or being angry, or scared, or sad... . But I'm doing it.  I'm two years out, but did't get on this board for real and learn about the disorder about 15 months ago.  In my first year I was in intense denial, and was also seriously injured in a motorcycle accident with injuries including a split shoulder blade and breaks in various other parts of my body.

A person can only focus on so many sources of pain at a time 

I think that you'll move forward much faster than me. You're much farther along that I was at your stage and on the board much earlier. 

Remember, the feelings are neutral.  Not good or bad, just are. It's how we respond that matters.  And it's best to try to respond in productive behaviors.   Or at least in do no harm.

Be well.

[Allmessedup]

I totally agree with both of u. 

I am doing this to stop playing games... . for me!

And no I am not alone... . just alone from her which is how it needs to be.  I have this board that understands.  I have friends that understand. And I have family that are there surrounding me too.

I will get there.

Wow u went thru a hell of an accident.  No wonder u were in denial a long time! 

I came to these boards last year before the final break up.  I knew it was coming... . I wasn't blindsided.  And I got tired of bring hurt a while ago.  Just not tired enough of it.   And I so very much didn't see my part in it all.

Now I do and I am not sure I like that but I do at least know its healthy!

[shellsh0cked]

I totally agree with both of u. 

I am doing this to stop playing games... . for me!

And no I am not alone... . just alone from her which is how it needs to be.  I have this board that understands.  I have friends that understand. And I have family that are there surrounding me too.

I will get there.

Wow u went thru a hell of an accident.  No wonder u were in denial a long time! 

I came to these boards last year before the final break up.  I knew it was coming... . I wasn't blindsided.  And I got tired of bring hurt a while ago.  Just not tired enough of it.   And I so very much didn't see my part in it all.

Now I do and I am not sure I like that but I do at least know its healthy!

Good deal... . tell you what.  Between this board and meeting a girl last year that went through almost the same exact thing?  It has been very healing for me.  Blocking her by the way?  GREAT idea.  The more disconnected you become, the better you will feel.  Realize that even though you are not friends on facebook?  Those pictures will come up... . but that's not necessarily a bad thing as you are recovering.  Because you start to see what it was that hurt you... . for who they REALLY are, and you will start to realize how much happier you are without that hatred, abuse and blame shifting... . How much happier you are in the fact that YOU are in control of your happiness... . that you aren't spending your entire day putting out fires... . and I don't care if she's miss America... . You'll see that ugliness in them and almost be repulsed by them... . especially if you have someone new in your life that gets you.

  I'm a year and a half in myself... . still some twinges... . mostly I feel some resentment for the way she treated me.  But I forgive her though.  That doesn't mean I want my phone ringing with her name on the display now... . ever.  That has to remain permanent.

Good luck