How to arrive at resolving conflict with BPDH

[Depression = 72% of members]

So here's my recount. Following the advice of my T,  I break the ice and tell H that I assume he knows that I will be going to Pennsylvania with the kids alone this weekend. His exit out the door to go to the gym came to a halt. He flipped. "This is bulls*#%. I will be at that place one way or another. You are not taking the kids I'm taking the kids. Get the f@*% out of here get your s@%#  and get out of my house." Etc. I have blocked out the other stuff already. I did not react and I did not respond except to say ":)o you really think we should put the kids in the middle of this?". He went into my room,went into my closet. Searching for something I assume (violating me).  This is my room that I decided to separate from him in in an attempt to resolve 5 mos ago. (Didn't work) He said happy f*#%ing birthday and took the birthday card that I guess  he was going to give me from my belated birthday and ripped it into pieces and threw it on my floor. I packed the car with my necessary things for the day just in case I had to escape after taking the kids to the bus stop. When I returned from the bus stop he was gone an hour and a half after he initially set to go. Also before that he said to my son "so C do you want to go skiing or snowboarding this weekend?"  Nice. This weekend was never discussed prior.  I planned it with my friends and he knew it was happening and just assumed that he would be going. I probably should have been clear earlier on. Instead I sat with the fear of the confrontation, worried that it would go down exactly as it did. This marriage is over and I'm shocked that he doesn't know it. Now the texts have started. I won't answer ( I hope). I have my second consultation with an attorney on Wednesday. I still don't know the answer to the weekend but pray that there will be as little resistance for my kids as possible. We all need some sanity and peace. Perhaps within a few days time this will fizzle but I doubt it. Any suggestions?


"Faith is not about getting what you want it's about believing in what you get."

[Landslide2014]

So here's my recount. Following the advice of my T,  I break the ice and tell H that I assume he knows that I will be going to Pennsylvania with the kids alone this weekend. His exit out the door to go to the gym came to a halt. He flipped. "This is bulls*#%. I will be at that place one way or another. You are not taking the kids I'm taking the kids. Get the f@*% out of here get your s@%#  and get out of my house." Etc. I have blocked out the other stuff already. I did not react and I did not respond except to say ":)o you really think we should put the kids in the middle of this?". He went into my room,went into my closet. Searching for something I assume (violating me).  This is my room that I decided to separate from him in in an attempt to resolve 5 mos ago. (Didn't work) He said happy f*#%ing birthday and took the birthday card that I guess  he was going to give me from my belated birthday and ripped it into pieces and threw it on my floor. I packed the car with my necessary things for the day just in case I had to escape after taking the kids to the bus stop. When I returned from the bus stop he was gone an hour and a half after he initially set to go. Also before that he said to my son "so C do you want to go skiing or snowboarding this weekend?"  Nice. This weekend was never discussed prior.  I planned it with my friends and he knew it was happening and just assumed that he would be going. I probably should have been clear earlier on. Instead I sat with the fear of the confrontation, worried that it would go down exactly as it did. This marriage is over and I'm shocked that he doesn't know it. Now the texts have started. I won't answer ( I hope). I have my second consultation with an attorney on Wednesday. I still don't know the answer to the weekend but pray that there will be as little resistance for my kids as possible. We all need some sanity and peace. Perhaps within a few days time this will fizzle but I doubt it. Any suggestions?


"Faith is not about getting what you want it's about believing in what you get."

[Skip]

For the last year, I have been focusing on myself, before the BPD knowledge came to light. The knowing is just a bunch of terminology and justification. Nothing has changed except the awareness that I can now give the insanity a name. But perhaps that's just what I needed to know that change, if ever possible would be a lot of work. I am all worked out.  Exhausted.  And now I need to take care of me so I can peacefully become the person I was meant to be.  There is a light coming through my prison door.  I am fearful that my "escape" will not be met with any rationale.

This is a difficult time in any relationship - you are married, living together 20+ years, have 4 kids, and you have detached and plan to leave.  He is certainly picking upon all of this.

Have you thought of taking a supervised therapeutic separation?  Getting on the same side of this might resolve the conflict and be good for the children.

I noticed in an earlier post you said your husband has 20 of the 30 signs of BPD... . I don't know of any 30 point list and it may take a little more digging to know if this is a personality disorder or just a long built up relationship breakdown.

Nonetheless, the relationship you report sounds very very contentious at this point.  A supervised therapeutic separation is a good stepping stone.  If brings peace pretty quick and whichever way it turns out helps.  If you conclude in the process that its divorce, this is an acceptance period with therapy assistance.  If you conclude in the process to try, this is an decompression healing period with therapy assistance.   Therapeutic separation is typically 6 weeks with rules to make it safe and milestones to achievement.

[Landslide2014]

Thank you Skip, for your response. So yes my H is undiagnosed though I've had 2 therapists walk me to the point that it is healthiest to get out and that his behavior is BPD apparent. Really, I don't care that much that there is a label to it.  What I was referring to in an earlier post is the first awareness that made sense to me from "out of the FOG." The associated definitions... . Splitting, shaming, stalking, scapegoating, recycling, charming, projection, physical abuse, name calling... . To name a few, are the definitions that have challenged my relationship by my H for the past 20 years.  9 years ago after a marriage weekend, I realized I was not sacrificing enough for my marriage.  I started my change and avoided any conflict that would come my way attempting to offer gentle feelings and tools for dialogue and applying learned tools for many things that were learned in our support group. It resulted in creating less conflict.  I realized, however, that to maintain this apparent level of peace and to minimize every flare up I would have to stuff it. When I realized that stuffing it made me sick I thought I would speak lovingly about my concerns and try to only share feelings and "I" statements among a host of other things.  We tried our marriage weekend a second time ,and I fought even harder, for 6 weeks, plus 18 months of  3 therapists and an in home separation, desperately hoping and changing small things to try and unify us. My feelings continued to be condemned and invalidated.  As long as I set boundaries and stay calm and continue my own recovery... . My H acts out more and is more threatened and we are more distant.  I've been accused of cheating, lying,  not caring, not taking responsibility and stealing, etc. . As sick as it seems I still wish that I could let all of that go and not own any of his insults or criticisms and carry on with this marriage . And even with that, what kind of environment and example does that provide for my children?  What kind of truth for us?  I am already scarred for minimizing and owning the hurt he has set forth, whether he can help it or not. I placed so little worth in myself that I did not think I deserved better.  The blessing in it all is that I have been given the opportunity to grow and learn as a person and finally start to heal. So no, I will not be attempting another approach to salvaging my relationship.  Though a supervised T separation would be lovely, he will not get it. He will remain robotic and will look like he gets it for a few days until his cycle changes.  Today after arranging for my son to be picked up from the bus by my older daughter because I was with my mother who was receiving emergency medical treatment (and I, of course wouldn't dare place any burden on H) I was ridiculed for my lack of competence and he claimed to be the victim. This had nothing to do with him.   Oh wait, but it all has to do with him. I guess I feel angry and frustrated and anxious because I so badly wanted to make this marriage work and the reality is that I feel sad and disappointed knowing it's not how I planned it.  Wow, thanks. That helped to reinforce my truth.