When I won't engage he becomes enraged

[bluecanoe]

Hi,

New here. Lurked for a while.

I have a BPD hubby, and he's been getting worse the past few months. Lately, when he starts to wind up -- criticizing, anger, etc…. I don't engage. But this seems to enrage him more. He accuses me of being passive aggressive and he becomes angry to the threshold of violence. Banging on doors, throwing things, grabbing the phone from my hands.

I've tried different approaches to let him know that I'm not abandoning him, I'm just trying to avoid an argument, etc…. But anything short of my engaging seems to provoke this response.

Any thoughts on what to do?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Grey Kitty]

Hello and 

That kinda depends on the threshold of violence he's approaching. In this case, look at the "Safety First" link prominently in a few places on this board, and read this specifically:

TOOLS: Domestic Violence Against Women

I don't know about your jurisdiction... . but in many places, restraining you, keeping you from your phone, or preventing you from leaving all qualify as domestic violence. If you need them, the police should give you protection.

So before you do anything to confront/enrage him, make sure you have a safety plan for yourself (and any children)

... . and once you feel like you know how to handle anything he might throw at you, literally or figuratively, then get on with solving this issue... . here are some comments and suggestions.

1. Of course he is upset about this. He manages his emotions by taking crap out on you. If you try to remove yourself, he would have to face his own difficult emotions. He's going to apply more pressure to you rather than do this if you let him, and especially if it works when he tries it.

2. I used a couple techniques for getting out of an uncomfortable situation like that.

My first one was to exit using "I" statements instead of "you" statements. Something like "I cannot handle talking to you right now." or "I need some time to calm down."

If I was getting worked up and engaged, I have practically run out the door simply saying "If I stay with you any longer I'll say something that I will later regret"

The good thing about these statements is that it is very hard for somebody to to argue with you about that statement. If you said something like "You need to calm down" he can very easily (and loudly and angrily) state that he is calm.

3. As a bonus step, to avoid the worst of the fears of abandonment, I might well add "I'll be back in 30 minutes." (or 2 hours or whatever I plan to do) Avoid words like "soon" or "later" that are wide open to different interpretations. If you do this, do honor it and return on schedule. If he launches right into you again, you can leave again (and probably should do so for a longer period this time!), but do come back when you say you will.

I hope this helps.

Stay safe, and hang in there. And stick around for a while and keep posting. It really does help.

 GK

[bluecanoe]

I don't know about your jurisdiction... . but in many places, restraining you, keeping you from your phone, or preventing you from leaving all qualify as domestic violence. If you need them, the police should give you protection.

Kitty,

Thanks this is helpful. Also helpful to know I'm not the only one who has experienced this.

Last week I moved to a hotel with our dogs for several days. (no kids). I told him I would come back as soon as he calmed down. Well, he escalated. He trashed the house. Didn't break anything, but put everything we own in a single room and locked himself in. Sending me messages that he would destroy things that I need to run my business and things that are very important to me (like pics of my deceased parents). I called the police and they did a civil standby. Finally he got on the phone with his psychiatrist and the doc talked him down.

He now has a new med. Quetipine.

I moved back in (leaving most things I collected during the civil standby out of the home at a friends.)

He was ok over the weekend.

HE had an appt with the psych yesterday and now he's right back at it. I'm writing this from a Starbucks. I told him I would be back at a specific time.

He's in serious therapy for the first time, I don't understand why the therapy is making him worse. Is this normal?

1. Of course he is upset about this. He manages his emotions by taking crap out on you. If you try to remove yourself, he would have to face his own difficult emotions. He's going to apply more pressure to you rather than do this if you let him, and especially if it works when he tries it.

Why does that seem so obvious when you say it? 

Thank you for the tips. I'm sure they will help. He's always had a bit of this (we've been together 17 years), but never like this. Never. And on top if it he tries to gaslight me . . .of course that's not all. But . . .

I'm just not sure if I can take it anymore, and honestly if I leave . . .he'll end up homeless. He isn't working. I explained the situation to our landlord and he is happy to let me out of the lease and even put me up at another property.

I just don't know what to do somedays, I try to remember that this is an illness. If I were sick I'd want him to stand by me. But I'm just getting so tired of all the stress and awfulness. And at times I am very legitimately afraid.

Thanks again. <sigh>

[waverider]

Any change will cause a reaction as it is disturbing his previous coping pattern.

Disengaging is only another step along the path of protecting yourself. From there you move to boundaries and removing yourself, as you did. This will provoke even bigger reaction.

This primarily to look after yourself and hopefully as a secondary reason to teach him that if he wants to stay in a Rs with you then he will have to change.

Therapy often makes things worse at first, as demons become exposed that were previously buried, but he has yet to learn better coping skills to deal with them. This takes time, but it is quite common.

Most important for you is to take precautions, protect yourself and stay consistent.

[HopefulDad]

Hi,

New here. Lurked for a while.

I have a BPD hubby, and he's been getting worse the past few months. Lately, when he starts to wind up -- criticizing, anger, etc…. I don't engage. But this seems to enrage him more. He accuses me of being passive aggressive and he becomes angry to the threshold of violence. Banging on doors, throwing things, grabbing the phone from my hands.

I've tried different approaches to let him know that I'm not abandoning him, I'm just trying to avoid an argument, etc…. But anything short of my engaging seems to provoke this response.

Any thoughts on what to do?

These are extinction bursts.  Hold strong, do not submit to his line of communication out of fear.  That being said, keep authorities and his doctor on notice when it comes to physically destructive behavior.

[Grey Kitty]

I just don't know what to do somedays, I try to remember that this is an illness. If I were sick I'd want him to stand by me. But I'm just getting so tired of all the stress and awfulness. And at times I am very legitimately afraid.

Yes indeed. However standing by him isn't the same as letting him use you as an emotional (or physical!) punching bag. If he had a fever and was thrashing around uncontrollably, standing by and getting walloped isn't the right thing to do.

And of course, he will say horrible things to emotionally manipulate you into sticking around for the abuse. It is the nature of the beast he's dealing with.

Hang in there!

[an0ught]

Hi bluecanoe,

Hi,

New here. Lurked for a while.

I have a BPD hubby, and he's been getting worse the past few months. Lately, when he starts to wind up -- criticizing, anger, etc…. I don't engage. But this seems to enrage him more. He accuses me of being passive aggressive and he becomes angry to the threshold of violence. Banging on doors, throwing things, grabbing the phone from my hands.

I've tried different approaches to let him know that I'm not abandoning him, I'm just trying to avoid an argument, etc…. But anything short of my engaging seems to provoke this response.

Any thoughts on what to do?

staying around and not responding is not sustainable.

there is a big difference in  

 - not responding - often associated with boundaries. Resulting in extinction bursts. Now boundaries are best carried out by leaving as staying around sends a continuing invalidating message... .

 - responding what we are baited to do - often assoicated with being manipulated into a fight

 - responding in a validating manner raising visibility to her being angry and indicating that this may having something to do with her feeling tired.

Read up on validation and practice it (links in LESSONS post at the top of this board). That also will reduce invalidation a lot which has a major impact on the number of episodes you deal with.