Why does it matter

[seeking balance]

 It doesn't really matter in theory but for some reason it still does to me. 

Why does it matter - you seem to be attaching something in your own self worth to this IMHO.

Not to hijack from Skip, this jumped out at me though.

[Waifed]

It doesn't really matter in theory but for some reason it still does to me.

Why does it matter - you seem to be attaching something in your own self worth to this IMHO.

Not to hijack from Skip, this jumped out at me though.

SB

I think you are right.  My ego has been destroyed by this relationship.  I have made great strides through 5 months of therapy but I am still having difficulty redeveloping a complete self of my own.  I still punish myself for allowing her to get away with the things that she did during the relationship and the only saving grace is I walked away before she had attached herself to someone else.  

My life is great with the exception of wanting a new relationship.  I don't want one but want to be wanted (more ego issues).  I don't feel like I will ever find the right person.  She seemed to be the one after 43 years of living (3 yr relationship) but now I realized that I would have been miserable if we had married.  The bottom line is that I cannot seem to detach completely.  I just don't know how to do it.  My ego wants to know that she at least has given a single thought to me in the past 5 months.  Why, I don't know.  Maybe it is just a matter of time that I climb this final barrier.

[seeking balance]

Waifed - you seem to be asking the hard questions, so I am going to challenge you a bit... .

 My ego has been destroyed by this relationship.  

Can you see that your self worth was lacking before this relationship?  If not, your boundaries (boundaries are what healthy people have because they feel worthy) wouldn't have allowed this to continue for a long period of time.

I have made great strides through 5 months of therapy but I am still having difficulty redeveloping a complete self of my own.  

5 months of focus compared to 40+ years of not having a fully developed, healthy sense of internal self - can you see that is not very much time?  Patience and discipline are required by you to really dig deep into this.

I still punish myself for allowing her to get away with the things that she did during the relationship and the only saving grace is I walked away before she had attached herself to someone else.  

How is that a saving grace?  Sounds ego based... . sorry if that stings and you can completely tell me to stop posting on this and I will respect your boundary.

My life is great with the exception of wanting a new relationship.  

I totally understand that feeling - everyone wants a partner of some sort, we are DNA built this way.  However, learning to be alone and good with who we are - is so very important.  I had no idea until I finally did it.

I don't want one but want to be wanted (more ego issues).  

I think you are seeing a theme - attaching worth to others is such a slippery slope.  How can you work with your T to attach your worth to your actions ... . another area I found important was spirituality at this point - the fundamental concept that all living things have inherent worth... . some soul searching there maybe?

I don't feel like I will ever find the right person.  She seemed to be the one after 43 years of living (3 yr relationship) but now I realized that I would have been miserable if we had married.  The bottom line is that I cannot seem to detach completely.  I just don't know how to do it.  My ego wants to know that she at least has given a single thought to me in the past 5 months.  Why, I don't know.  Maybe it is just a matter of time.

If I told you this stuff was normal - will you try not to roll your eyes at me 

We all feel this way early on in the process.  SHE, her very presence actually put a bandaid on your damaged lonely ego... . now, you are healing that yourself... . it didn't get that way over night and it certainly doesn't get fixed over night (or 5 months).

I applaud you for asking the hard questions - this is how one grows.  Focusing on our own core stuff... . keep doing the work, you really are on the right path.

Peace,

SB

[Waifed]

Waifed - you seem to be asking the hard questions, so I am going to challenge you a bit... .

My ego has been destroyed by this relationship.  

Can you see that your self worth was lacking before this relationship?  If not, your boundaries (boundaries are what healthy people have because they feel worthy) wouldn't have allowed this to continue for a long period of time.

I have always carried the macho, self confident mask.  I even had my self convinced until this all came about.

I have made great strides through 5 months of therapy but I am still having difficulty redeveloping a complete self of my own.  

5 months of focus compared to 40+ years of not having a fully developed, healthy sense of internal self - can you see that is not very much time?  Patience and discipline are required by you to really dig deep into this.

My therapist said it could take +/- 2 years to deal with all my codependency issues.  All these years I thought I was normal. I have no addictions, successful career wise, never been in trouble with anyone, etc.  If not for relationships!  

I still punish myself for allowing her to get away with the things that she did during the relationship and the only saving grace is I walked away before she had attached herself to someone else.  

How is that a saving grace?  Sounds ego based... . sorry if that stings and you can completely tell me to stop posting on this and I will respect your boundary.

It is all very much ego based.  I don't want it to be but it is. My pride has taken a bath and I just can't seem to let it be just what it is. My boundaries were damage because I was subtly drawn out of my 14 year marriage. The idea that she was waiting in the wings skewed my judgement.  I am not offended in any way by your words.  I actually really appreciate your candidness.  

My life is great with the exception of wanting a new relationship.  

I totally understand that feeling - everyone wants a partner of some sort, we are DNA built this way.  However, learning to be alone and good with who we are - is so very important.  I had no idea until I finally did it.

I agree and it is good most of the time until I am triggered.  I see flashes of peace within myself.

I don't want one but want to be wanted (more ego issues).  

I think you are seeing a theme - attaching worth to others is such a slippery slope.  How can you work with your T to attach your worth to your actions ... . another area I found important was spirituality at this point - the fundamental concept that all living things have inherent worth... . some soul searching there maybe?

It has been very difficult to detach all of my life.  I have some borderline traits and this is one that I have the most difficulty with.  Yes... . my codependency has walled me off from the belief in higher beings.  I convinced myself at a young age that no one or no thing was better than me.  Its another issue that I am aware of and trying to grasp.

I don't feel like I will ever find the right person.  She seemed to be the one after 43 years of living (3 yr relationship) but now I realized that I would have been miserable if we had married.  The bottom line is that I cannot seem to detach completely.  I just don't know how to do it.  My ego wants to know that she at least has given a single thought to me in the past 5 months.  Why, I don't know.  Maybe it is just a matter of time.

If I told you this stuff was normal - will you try not to roll your eyes at me  

We all feel this way early on in the process.  SHE, her very presence actually put a bandaid on your damaged lonely ego... . now, you are healing that yourself... . it didn't get that way over night and it certainly doesn't get fixed over night (or 5 months).

You are right.  It is frustrating because the healing is slow but it is improving.  I am scared to death of the future though. It is clearly unclear!

I applaud you for asking the hard questions - this is how one grows.  Focusing on our own core stuff... . keep doing the work, you really are on the right path.

Thanks SB.  I really appreciate this.

Peace,

SB