Talked with his other "friend"

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

We both went to our college's Women's Retreat. He had mentioned her in a conversation and I approached her, telling her that he had mentioned her in a conversation. We got to talking and I found out a lot of things. He started talking to her a few months ago, around the time he started talking to me. She said he had been texting her every day, telling him that he was suicidal, wanted to slit his throat, and the same works he did with me. She doesn't like him because she dated his roommate a year ago and just isn't attracted to him like that. She said she doesn't know what to do for him and has even talked to her nursing professors who said it sounded like BPD.

The kicker? He hangs out with her and will talk with her on the phone. He wouldn't do either with me. She said that he'll talk about anything that's not serious in person and shut down if she mentions it, but as soon as she leaves, he'll text her saying he's depressed and he'll talk about his feelings then. She said she'll call him up and be enthusiastic and upbeat, and ask him to go her icecream and stuff like that. She said she won't let him mope. He never responded to my enthusiastic approaches to dinner with anything but saying he was drunk or bailing with an excuse. They hang out regularly it seems, but she said that she's noticed that it's all about him and he's not really interested in her and her feelings/issues/life.

She also said that he has text her saying he liked her, but would then say he missed his ex. The exact same thing he did to me. She's expressed she doesn't like him that way and she said that when he started getting hateful with her a few weeks ago, she told him that she wasn't going to tolerate it because she'd done nothing but help him and he backed off and apologized. (Around the time he discarded me?)

But, when I call him out for playing with my feelings and get upset, I get discarded? She also said that he told her that his ex made him delete her number and Facebook, and yet, he was never deleted. She said she thought that was weird. She also told him that she couldn't physically be there for him all the time and it was too much and he said that maybe that was why his ex left... . because he puts his all and happiness on one person?

I don't know. It left me with more questions than anything. I was hoping for clarification. I guess it just kind of hurt that I actually wanted to be with him and have helped him more than her and I'm the one who is now painted black while he will see her in person and talk to her on the phone, when he would never see me or talk to me when I called him during his panic attacks?

I kept looking at her tonight... . and she's sleeping above me on these bunk beds, thinking "What does she have that I don't? She's so naturally pretty. She is stern with him. She isn't a ball of anxiety like me. She is strong. She's everything I'm not. He has her and that's why he doesn't need me. He chooses to spend his time with her and talk to her. Maybe that's why he discarded me?"

I can't describe what it was like to know he pretty much was telling me of my replacement a month ago. To see this girl and know that in his eyes, she's better than me in every way. I felt small and unlovable. My inner, broken child broke through a little tonight. I couldn't stop looking at her, searching for the answer to why I was so insignificant to her. Why I didn't deserve to get icecream with, or spend time with.

It hurt. I'm not heartbroken, just more confused.

She said she wasn't interested in him like that and has told him, but what did she mean by physical?

WHY IS SHE WORTHY OF GETTING CLOSE TO HIM IN PERSON AND NOT ME?

I guess it's why he told me that liking him would bring no good.

I just don't understand and I'm envious that he sees her like that. :'(

[misssouthernbelle]

We both went to our college's Women's Retreat. He had mentioned her in a conversation and I approached her, telling her that he had mentioned her in a conversation. We got to talking and I found out a lot of things. He started talking to her a few months ago, around the time he started talking to me. She said he had been texting her every day, telling him that he was suicidal, wanted to slit his throat, and the same works he did with me. She doesn't like him because she dated his roommate a year ago and just isn't attracted to him like that. She said she doesn't know what to do for him and has even talked to her nursing professors who said it sounded like BPD.

The kicker? He hangs out with her and will talk with her on the phone. He wouldn't do either with me. She said that he'll talk about anything that's not serious in person and shut down if she mentions it, but as soon as she leaves, he'll text her saying he's depressed and he'll talk about his feelings then. She said she'll call him up and be enthusiastic and upbeat, and ask him to go her icecream and stuff like that. She said she won't let him mope. He never responded to my enthusiastic approaches to dinner with anything but saying he was drunk or bailing with an excuse. They hang out regularly it seems, but she said that she's noticed that it's all about him and he's not really interested in her and her feelings/issues/life.

She also said that he has text her saying he liked her, but would then say he missed his ex. The exact same thing he did to me. She's expressed she doesn't like him that way and she said that when he started getting hateful with her a few weeks ago, she told him that she wasn't going to tolerate it because she'd done nothing but help him and he backed off and apologized. (Around the time he discarded me?)

But, when I call him out for playing with my feelings and get upset, I get discarded? She also said that he told her that his ex made him delete her number and Facebook, and yet, he was never deleted. She said she thought that was weird. She also told him that she couldn't physically be there for him all the time and it was too much and he said that maybe that was why his ex left... . because he puts his all and happiness on one person?

I don't know. It left me with more questions than anything. I was hoping for clarification. I guess it just kind of hurt that I actually wanted to be with him and have helped him more than her and I'm the one who is now painted black while he will see her in person and talk to her on the phone, when he would never see me or talk to me when I called him during his panic attacks?

I kept looking at her tonight... . and she's sleeping above me on these bunk beds, thinking "What does she have that I don't? She's so naturally pretty. She is stern with him. She isn't a ball of anxiety like me. She is strong. She's everything I'm not. He has her and that's why he doesn't need me. He chooses to spend his time with her and talk to her. Maybe that's why he discarded me?"

I can't describe what it was like to know he pretty much was telling me of my replacement a month ago. To see this girl and know that in his eyes, she's better than me in every way. I felt small and unlovable. My inner, broken child broke through a little tonight. I couldn't stop looking at her, searching for the answer to why I was so insignificant to her. Why I didn't deserve to get icecream with, or spend time with.

It hurt. I'm not heartbroken, just more confused.

She said she wasn't interested in him like that and has told him, but what did she mean by physical?

WHY IS SHE WORTHY OF GETTING CLOSE TO HIM IN PERSON AND NOT ME?

I guess it's why he told me that liking him would bring no good.

I just don't understand and I'm envious that he sees her like that. :'(

[misssouthernbelle]

Oh, and he also came to this girl and asked her to help him. It's the same. The only difference is she doesn't like him in the way I did. Maybe that was my mistake.

[Want2know]

Oh, and he also came to this girl and asked her to help him. It's the same. The only difference is she doesn't like him in the way I did. Maybe that was my mistake.

There is something about the challenge of wanting someone who is keeping you at a distance.  Perhaps that is the difference.  I know in my case, I was always there for him, and after a while, I felt I was being taken advantage of.  Initially, I was very independent, and that was when he pursued me hard, but the moment he knew I would be there for him is when our relationship started going downhill.

You question what she meant by her not being able to be with him physically with him all the time.  I would take that to mean face-to-face vs. texting/talking by phone.

I'm here because the guy I've fallen for I believe to be a pwBPD. I'm here to try to understand him and try to understand why he has done/does the things he does and make our friendship better, as I am in it for the long haul.

After all you have read on this site since January, where do you feel you are now?  If you take a look at the 5 stages to the right of this page, you will see it's a process to detach.  It seems that you are acknowledging your feelings and trying to make sense of what you are experiencing.  That's a good first step.

Are you looking to move on in the detaching process or are you still wanting to remain in it for the long haul? 

[winston72]

Hey MSB... . what a frustrating and painful relationship!  My heart goes out to you for the anguish of being in this spot.

It sounds like from your post that you are spending a lot of energy to perceive and value yourself and this other woman from the perspective of this guy.  That is not going to generate much insight with a healthy person and particularly not if you think this person has some personality issues. 

One of the most helpful things I have learned from my time on this site is to turn my focus from what is happening with my ex to what is happening with me.  It was quite subtle and difficult for me at first because I thought that understanding what she thought of me was the most important thing to me.  The shift of focus from self to other was so ingrained in me that I thought trying to understand what she thought of me was really self-inuiry.  Oops!

At a minimun, this gentleman is not providing you with consistent communication and affirmation of your worth.  You are further placed in a situation where you are comparing yourself to another woman.  How does this make you feel?  Is this what you want in a relationship?   These are just some observations that come to mind as I read your post.

As Want2Know posted, the five stages of detachment at the right are very helpful.  Acknowledgement and self-inquiry are really what I was prompting above.  I must say that these are pretty basic life skills that are part of healthy living, not just relationship detaching!

Hoping to hear more from you!

[Clearmind]

Despite the cries of suicide threats and emotional bending this girl continues to enable. He is getting what he needs from her - validation. It's not about your attractiveness or what you are not doing. Maybe begin to work on your own self worth if your thinking is tending towards what's wrong with you and comparing yourself to this other friend. Your worth gas taken a beating.

A person with issues will maneuvour themselves where they can gain worth. It's fleeting and this girl is exhausting herself.

Question: You generally post on Staying Board - what is the current status of your relationship?

[patientandclear]

My experience was that the closer I got to my exwBPD, the harder it was for him to talk with me by phone or be together in person.  This was not hard for him with someone he didn't feel emotionally close to.

I think you're making a mistake to apply the concept of "worth" to this.  It isn't about that.  In a crude sense, the more you are "worth" to him, probably the  harder it is for him to see you.

Though I say it's a mistake, I really identify with what you're relating.  My ex went on to re-engage his exgf after he ended our r/s.  I knew her (she works with me) & I agonized as you are over exactly what was so much better about her than me -- what made her "worth" making an effort he wouldn't make with me.

Eventually he fled from the r/s with her, too.  It wasn't about our comparative worth.  She was upbeat & cheerful too, and for a while, it made him feel good to be with her, when it made him feel guilty to be with me.

But ultimately, it made him feel bad, not good, to be with her, because she wanted certain changes and he felt controlled.  Etc.

Closeness = trouble, and also, trouble = trouble.  If there is less closeness, it may roll along for a while.  Eventually, if she wants something for herself or says something that makes him feel less than wonderful ... . he doesn't have the resources to deal with his fears, and he turns on the r/s.

I know it's super hard.  But it isn't about your worth.