Cutting

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I received a barrage of abusive texts tonight after a weeks silence. She then threatened to cut herself (emotional blackmail). I wanted to respond but thought this might actually encourage the threats. Anyway, I decided to set a boundary & told her "I'm not going to talk to you if you cant be nice". After a few more abusive texts she seemed to be calming down a bit so I told her there were a few things I wanted to talk about if we could do so calmly. I kept repeating that we need to talk calmly. But then the abuse began again so I ignored her. 20min later she sent me a MMS of her cut wrist.

During our friendship then r/s, she has sent me photos after she cuts many times. Occasionally, she has used it as emotional blackmail, always when I'm being "painted black". Im sorry if this image is upsetting. I still get upset when she does it even though this one doesnt look too bad, I dont think it will need stitches. She has cut badly enough in the past to require surgery to her tendons & prob about 10-15 times needing stitches. Both her inner forearms are heavily scarred & she has also cut a few times on her stomach & upper thigh.

I sent her a text of sympathy but I really dont know what to do! I have to set boundaries, I need to talk to her about a few things. I'm worried that by replying when she cuts it will encourage it but if I ignore her when she cuts it seems cold & heartless. I wish I knew what to do! Can anyone help with advice?  

[HealingForMe]

I received a barrage of abusive texts tonight after a weeks silence. She then threatened to cut herself (emotional blackmail). I wanted to respond but thought this might actually encourage the threats. Anyway, I decided to set a boundary & told her "I'm not going to talk to you if you cant be nice". After a few more abusive texts she seemed to be calming down a bit so I told her there were a few things I wanted to talk about if we could do so calmly. I kept repeating that we need to talk calmly. But then the abuse began again so I ignored her. 20min later she sent me a MMS of her cut wrist.

During our friendship then r/s, she has sent me photos after she cuts many times. Occasionally, she has used it as emotional blackmail, always when I'm being "painted black". Im sorry if this image is upsetting. I still get upset when she does it even though this one doesnt look too bad, I dont think it will need stitches. She has cut badly enough in the past to require surgery to her tendons & prob about 10-15 times needing stitches. Both her inner forearms are heavily scarred & she has also cut a few times on her stomach & upper thigh.

I sent her a text of sympathy but I really dont know what to do! I have to set boundaries, I need to talk to her about a few things. I'm worried that by replying when she cuts it will encourage it but if I ignore her when she cuts it seems cold & heartless. I wish I knew what to do! Can anyone help with advice?  

[woodsposse]

 

The more I found out that my ex had been cutting herself, each time I heard about it or saw it - it broke my heart and the situation was very overwhelming. I didn't know what to do.  I knew the practice wasn't right and I knew there was something I was suppose to do ... . I just didn't know what.

You are right.  For us, it is emotional blackmail.  We take it very personal.

For them... . it's a form of self soothing (or something like that).

And you are right, anything you may want to do or say could push them to want to cut more.  They would blame their actions on you... . something you did or said to trigger them to get so worked up (or whatever they call it) to make them want to do it.

That's like someone getting so worked up they have to go out and drink and then say "Look what you made me do".

That's like someone getting so worked up they have to hit you repeatedly and then say "Look what you made me do!"

Truth is, for me at least, I didn't make her do anything.  I didn't put the razor in her hand and say cut at your skin until you bleed and your arm looks like a raw hamburger.

Truth is, for me at least, when I was a child I didn't make my mother do anything... . her actions of beating us kids and berating us and raging at us was on her.

If you are asking for my advice on what to do... . you can't do anything.  Mostly you can't do anything because their actions are their actions.

Your actions have to be your actions.

Question. Are you cold & heartless?  If the answer is no... . then what is the issue?

And because you are asking and posting here, I already know you are not cold & heartless.

By you receiving texts, I assume you two are no longer "together" - so for her to send images of her cutting is a means to keep you involved and on the roller coaster.

My advice, if you have decided to move on, is to do this... . say the few things you need to talk with her about (maybe via text)... . or short conversations during the day (not first thing in the morning, not the last thing towards the evening)... . and live your life.

I got tired of the suicide talk, attempts, rages, cutting, lies, deceit, not knowing what I was waking up to or coming home to, or the calls while in the office to calm her down because she is freaking out over something... . and in the end - having to start over with nothing.

Once you focus on you instead of these images she puts in your head... . once you are able to heal... . you may get yourself involved with someone who is not disordered and find that there is a peace and joy in stability.

[HealingForMe]

Thanks woods posse. Usually she cuts to self medicate. Its a way to feel something when she is emotionally numb. Other times its because she is feeling so much pain & cutting helps ease the pain. Some of the time I have been able to talk her out of cutting or to limit it, but other times she does it deliberately to "punish" me. She has a severe alcohol problem which sometimes she blames on me as well 

I learnt long ago to let go of the blame... . I know its projection. I've even partly gotten used to the cutting & become pretty good at cleaning, sterilizing & applying steri-strips & bandages. But it still hurts & I still want to help her... .