my first no contact effort last yr was so much easier

[corraline]

Its been a three and a half yr relationship and the first time i decided to leave and get healthy it seemed so much easier.

This time i feel much worse

Youd think the increasing fed up factor might strengthen my effort this time but no

The last time he showed up at my door after a month and seeing him again was all it took for me to go back

I think a part of me knows this time we r both finally done

The dance  is over

Mayb the last time it wasnt for either of us so it was easier

Or mayb the longer u stay in the harder it gets

Any comments please?

[guitargrl]

I recycled so many times I can't count.  For me there was once After about a year where I felt like it might really be over and it was a lot easier. He did come back acting like a changed man, talking all the talk and I took him back….afterwards we recycled many times but never did it feel like this time and this time has been torture.  I definitely think that for me being in it longer makes it harder. I see your point though, it seems like with all the additional emotional abuse it would be easier, but at the same time there has been many idealization times, some really fun times (very short lasting…seems he couldn't go more than a few hours without losing it the last year or so), more feeling sadness because his disorder is so apparent and crazy and hard to understand why he can't just get it together…it seems like its really so easy, so many more hopes and dreams to let go of.

Sorry you are having a hard time!  It is getting so much better for me (over a month out)  although I am still fluctuating all the time between all the different stages of grief.  I know if I am to have any future that is healthy and positive I have to let him go…and it is hard.  Stay strong! Things will get better!   

[corraline]

Thank you guitargrl

The last few months got increasingly worse with him too

His alcohol issues were more apparent and he raged at me more and got pretty crazy and scary

He broke up with me more too at the same time he was telling me i had broken thru his defences and reaching him

More than any other woman had... . of course

I was always the woman who reached the ultimate levels of love trust and intimacy for him... .    right

But the closer we seemed to get the more turbulent his behavior became

I didnt know about BPD at the time

I thought it was just alcohol at the end altho all of the issues from the beginning pointed to BPD and we talked about all of his BPD issues but he never gave me a name to it.  He was in the mental health field and even had literature about BPD and other related materials but said it was info that he used for his work.

I miss the closeness i thought we had but i dont miss the stress

I wish that i could have known about BPD before so i could have had the chance to know what i was dealing with and sought help with how to work things out in a healthier way with him   

[guitargrl]

Hey Corraline,

Your situation sounds so similar to my own….There were so many red flags from the beginning…I knew immediately that something was off but couldn't put my finger on it.  He is not diagnosed although his behavior is very severe and has only had 2 other relationships in his 38 years and they have been the exact same. we have known each other mutually for a long time and when he was dating someone else years ago they were always together and then broke up over and over, I thought it was so strange.  When we started getting close he portrayed his ex as the reason (she was crazy), but it was apparent something was up with him too.  He also always told me I was the only one that could get through and the only person he could ever trust, the only good person in the world. When he would idealize me I would ask him to tone it down because I knew that for a moment I would walk on water….but one wrong breath and I would be the most evil women to walk the face of the earth.  I hated it, I hated that someone could ever say such nasty things about me….I always wanted so badly to change his mind.  I felt I could not walk away with someone feeling like I was so bad. I would research and try my hardest not to trigger, to support, to love with all of myself. Always walking on eggshells. The result was inner misery, sadness, and pain and a future that looked so miserable. I really don't think if you had all the information in the world about BPD you could make things healthy or even healthier, not in my situation anyway. It seemed like the more I tried the more he hated me.  It truly got to where he would saturate me with love and literally minutes or hours later hate me….and he would send me on a roller coaster of words trying to tell me why and it never made sense.

Its so damn sad but I have really had to take a good look at myself and try to figure out why I need validation for my goodness from him, try to understand why I am not loving myself enough to not let someone tear me down.  I do feel like it is an addiction, its so intense. The only thing I can do if I want a healthy future and life is move on…that is so obvious now.  Do you feel that way?  It took 3 years to finally know with all my heart that this is a severe mental disorder and I can't change it anymore that I can wish away diabetes or any other illness. Its devastating and heart breaking but we are lucky in that we can have a positive healthy relationship in the future it just cannot be with them…. I am so sorry you are dealing with this pain!

[corraline]

Thanks guitargrl

Yah... . feel the same as you

I questioned the idealization stuff cause it seemed over the top and he said that it was my own inability to accept his love

His cheating the same... . i didnt believe in him so he considered it a two way street

I stayed cause he was in therapy alot... . so was i and he constantly reminded me to have courage and stick it out... it seemed at times we were getting somewhere

So i kept on being a super trooper... . not giving up

Being the courageous woman !

But ultimately it just got worse and he kept sending me drunk goodbyes on text and tormenting me while he was in mexico for a week about the women in serious heat he said he had to protect himself from

I had enough then

I told him i wanted no contact

He ignored me

Sending me info telling me i should do a family constellation workshop (we already did that together... . weird) to sort out my problems in relationships

Happy we r broken up texts

Hearts and all over the map weird stuff

I changed my phone number and have not responded for a month

Nothing from him for two weeks now