Thoughts on this please...

[State85]

Thoughts on this.

I’ve been out of my r/s with my exgf for about 6 months now, with LC. Since then it appears she is on number 3 as far as new boyfriends, whom she just calls “friends”. Well, we were still friends on fb, and the current new replacement lives out of town. But, for the longest time she insisted they were just “friends”, were friends since high school. But recently admitted they are seeing each other, best you can in a long distance relationship. He will come down to her house maybe once/twice a month, etc. Well recently, she starts tagging him on fb, posting his picture on fb. Well, obviously this tore me up, so I de-friended her. Apparantly she didn’t realize I had done that until a couple of days later. Then she went all bent on me, saying it was mean and rude that I de-friended her. My response was that I am trying to heal and get over her, and did not want to see any of that because it defeats any progress I am making.

Why, if she has apparently moved on, is it so important to remain friends with me and remain friends on fb?

[seeking balance]

Why, if she has apparently moved on, is it so important to remain friends with me and remain friends on fb?

BPD is an emotional attachment disorder - by the very nature of BPD, of course she has issues when an attachment is severed.  She was shocked her attachment was gone, people can be used as emotional tools to regulate for a pwBPD - you were one of her emotional tools and now you "feel" gone.  Yes, you were already gone, FB is the visualization of that for her.

Good for you that you are taking care of yourself - it is normal that you don't want to see the daily life of someone you broke up with and were hurt by.  In the same way you "reacted" by unfriending her when hurt, she is angry at you for changing the dynamic.

[State85]

Seeking... . thanks

It's funny to me though that she could not understand why I did it, that I needed to not see these things to get past her. She would say "I'm not doing anything deliberate to hurt you", and "you are making progress"... . WTH. How would she know if I was making progress... . crazy.

[seeking balance]

How would she know if I was making progress... . crazy.

Exactly!

It is hard breaking a final tie - last little part of bargaining that maybe you can stay friends, right?

[State85]

Seeking... . exactly.

Wants to remain friends, says she will be my "best friend"

[seeking balance]

Seeking... . exactly.

Wants to remain friends, says she will be my "best friend"

what about you - what do you see?

[Madison66]

Hey State,

You mentioned that you are LC with your ex gf.  It sounds like you are struggling with detachment, which is completely normal.  My recommendation is to consider going n/c physically and electronically.  N/c has really helped me with the time, space and peace I need to detach and heal from my 3+ year r/s with my uBPD/NPD ex gf.  Believe me, it has been difficult with her and her kids living on my street.  I recall at the time we were exchanging property a few days after the b/u, she stated she wanted to remain good friends and neighbors.  I saw that as her way of continuing to control the terms of the r/s and to leave the door open for recycle or whatever.  I was done!  There were attempts by her to break contact, but I kept my cool in most of the instances.  It just sounds like leaving the door slightly ajar with LC and facebook action may be prolonging the detachment process.  You gotta ask yourself what you are gaining by having this contact.

My last thought for you is by going n/c and cutting off facebook and other electronic communication, you can focus solely on yourself.  You maintaining n/c is not to hurt her or even to send a message.  It is for your benefit only.  The benefit of time, space and peace needed to detach, heal and move forward with your life.  I are in control!

[State85]

Seeking... . friends... . no, can't see that happening.

Madison... . you are correct with going NC, but we kinda of run in the same groups and likely see each other... . at which time she takes that opportunity to just totally belittle me and devalue me... . even if in public.

[myself]

She's bent out of shape because you're not friends with her on facebook, but treats you very unfriendly when seeing you in real life?    What's best for you at this time? How do the others in your social circle see what is happening? Can you ignore her in public (boundaries), and not be her scapegoat? If you're done, you're done.

[seeking balance]

Seeking... . friends... . no, can't see that happening.

yeah, it takes a while for us to realize this, thus your reluctance in cutting ties in social media. 

we kinda of run in the same groups and likely see each other... . at which time she takes that opportunity to just totally belittle me and devalue me... . even if in public.

well, there is a huge difference in social media friends (easy to detach from) and the real world.

Knowing your own boundaries will help you in navigating this - you don't have to be a victim to the circumstances.  What are your boundaries?

[tinkerbell09]

My ex went BALLISTIC when I defriended him on FB too... . "Why did you do that?"... "You're my best friend."... "You're so mean to me, I thought we were still friends."... . as hard as it is for us to see... . they don't get it. They don't understand that breaking up is going separate ways... . and communicating with them only seems to make it worse.

Maybe N/C is the way to go for you to heal... . I'm still very new here, but it seems that that's about the only way to go through the pain and mourning and come out the other side... I hope that helps. They don't seem to get when you unattach... you unattach... and that's okay.

I broke N/C with mine... wish I had never done it. I went back to N/C three days ago... and MEAN IT! He's tried to bait me out... . she'll do that too... don't take it... it's their PD talking and will only set you back. That's what I'm trying to keep in mind... . it's the PD, not the person they made up for me.

I hope that makes sense... .

[LuckyNicki]

Thoughts on this.

I’ve been out of my r/s with my exgf for about 6 months now, with LC. Since then it appears she is on number 3 as far as new boyfriends, whom she just calls “friends”. Well, we were still friends on fb, and the current new replacement lives out of town. But, for the longest time she insisted they were just “friends”, were friends since high school. But recently admitted they are seeing each other, best you can in a long distance relationship. He will come down to her house maybe once/twice a month, etc. Well recently, she starts tagging him on fb, posting his picture on fb. Well, obviously this tore me up, so I de-friended her. Apparantly she didn’t realize I had done that until a couple of days later. Then she went all bent on me, saying it was mean and rude that I de-friended her. My response was that I am trying to heal and get over her, and did not want to see any of that because it defeats any progress I am making.

Why, if she has apparently moved on, is it so important to remain friends with me and remain friends on fb?

This is very similar to my situation.  My exBPDgf requested for space twice in a span of 2 weeks.  I suspect this is because she was engaging in someone else.  

Then she gets super angry when I went LC on her for a month. It seriously don't make any sense.   But what does make sense is what seeking balance says:  Is that we are used as emotional tools to regulate their BPD or their chronic emptiness.



My BPDexgf is extremely charismatic and and very lovable to her friends.  You would think she'd have enough people to talk to her daily.  But one thing we don't realize, these friends are not able to be there with her 24-7.  They have their own lives too.   The only type of person that would be willing to be there 24-7 is someone that is in love with her.  

I feel as if this is why she needs someone to be in love with her.  So while this girl asked me for space, she also still wanted me to love her - even though she's on her way to another man.  By keeping me in love with her I can be there for her to talk on a daily basis - even when we are "not together".

So when I decided NC, she became VERY angry at me.  Even though as a real friend, she should want me to heal etc...