Just can't mourn and grief, stuck

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi there,

Lately I find myself stuck on the grieving part, the mourning part of the past r/s. I feel the hurt creeping up inside my body and it scares me. I want to grief, but I don't know what to grief. I want to cry and lett it all out but I dont know what to cry about... . it was all fake, the whole r/s was fake, the love was not real, so what am I grieving?

I feel the sadness coming on to me, but I just dont know how to let it in, it scares me so. The raw pain, but the raw pain of what? Of a love that wasnt real? Of shared feelings that werent real? Of shared happiness that wasnt real?

I feel like a fool grieving that, being hurt by that, but still it hurts.

How can I let the pain in? How can I grieve and get past this stage? There is to much shame and anger in the way.  :'(

I want to feel the pain and get past it,  but I am confused about what this pain is that I am feeling?

How did any of you proces the pain of something that wasnt real?  

[Dog biscuit]

Hi there,

Lately I find myself stuck on the grieving part, the mourning part of the past r/s. I feel the hurt creeping up inside my body and it scares me. I want to grief, but I don't know what to grief. I want to cry and lett it all out but I dont know what to cry about... . it was all fake, the whole r/s was fake, the love was not real, so what am I grieving?

I feel the sadness coming on to me, but I just dont know how to let it in, it scares me so. The raw pain, but the raw pain of what? Of a love that wasnt real? Of shared feelings that werent real? Of shared happiness that wasnt real?

I feel like a fool grieving that, being hurt by that, but still it hurts.

How can I let the pain in? How can I grieve and get past this stage? There is to much shame and anger in the way.  :'(

I want to feel the pain and get past it,  but I am confused about what this pain is that I am feeling?

How did any of you proces the pain of something that wasnt real?  

[fromheeltoheal]

How did any of you process the pain of something that wasn't real?

By going through it best I could.  I used alcohol, work, sleep, adrenaline adventures, anything at first, just ways to outrun and avoid my emotions, because like you it was all too much and I didn't think I could face it, definitely didn't want to.  But after a while it became clear the only way beyond the emotions is through them, not around, over or turning the other way.  It was important to feel everything all the way, and get as much support as you can, supportive support like us folks here, not necessarily people who care but don't understand, they didn't help much and just made me wrong for what I was feeling.

The biggest thing for me was the shock that it wasn't real.  Sure, I missed her badly, but once I accepted that what I missed was a fantasy, an illusion, I got over that pretty quickly.  But the shock.  How could I have fallen in so deeply to something that was a total lie, put forth by a master manipulator?  Very scary.  It took accepting that I was in a relationship with someone with a serious mental illness, my naivety needed to die, I needed to listen to my gut and not ignore it, and I needed to be much more present and in the moment.  My current and future relationships are/will benefit from those shifts, the gift of the relationship.

But that's a view down the road.  For now it's just important to feel everything and think a bunch, but not instead of feeling, do both together.  Keep talking, and take care of you!

[seeking balance]

How did any of you proces the pain of something that wasnt real?  

It WAS real for you, right?

[Conundrum]

How can I let the pain in? How can I grieve and get past this stage? There is to much shame and anger in the way.  :'(

I want to feel the pain and get past it,  but I am confused about what this pain is that I am feeling?

How did any of you proces the pain of something that wasnt real?  

You're entitled to feeling pain. It is your right. Those feelings neither have to be based upon logic, nor make empirical sense. We are not automatons. Shaming yourself over feelings leads to low self-worth. Anger may be directed at both the object that caused our suffering and can also be placed upon our selves. I believe anger becomes toxic when it keeps us stuck in a holding pattern of victimization. Transcending suffering is a process without an absolute fixed point. It is best considered a work in progress, that requires periodic maintenance and clear perception.

The notion that these relationships weren't real IMO is an unhealthy crutch that we believe helps us move on--but I perceive that to be a black and white rationalization, masking the truth which is more nuanced and complex. It is not that these relationships were an illusion--they were tangible, yet ordered and disordered perceptions are separated by an immense chasm. If they were not, then a discussion regarding mental illness would have no perceptible place in our narratives.

We were involved with individuals whose perceptions and resultant actions are extremely chaotic and unstable. That does not mean that they do not also possess lovable relational traits--which for a period of time convinces us that "anything is possible."  Whether by design or will, they are dreamweavers.  It is a pleasurable presentation that fails to withstand strict relational scrutiny. A great deal of our suffering is due to these relationships being transitory--yet it can be no other way  (absent intensive therapeutic help). They promise the world, but inherently those promises will not come to fruition, because between their (relational) aspirations and their (relational) capabilities falls the shadow. Cycles repeat without synthesis, and our place in their narratives remain the essence of ambiguity.

To feel pain and transcend suffering implies accepting the paradoxical nature of these relationships. They cause a great amount of feeling and emotion within, while divorcing us from reason. After the relationship ends it is an ongoing process of filtering--finding a balance between reason and emotion. Ab initio these relationships spark flames that burn bright. The embers slowly cool by acknowledging that the relationship was tangible--that a loss was suffered--while also accepting that we are not their agents of change.                     

[fromheeltoheal]

We were involved with individuals whose perceptions and resultant actions are extremely chaotic and unstable. That does not mean that they do not also possess lovable relational traits--which for a period of time convinces us that "anything is possible."  Whether by design or will, they are dreamweavers.  It is a pleasurable presentation that fails to withstand strict relational scrutiny. A great deal of our suffering is due to these relationships being transitory--yet it can be no other way  (absent intensive therapeutic help). They promise the world, but inherently those promises will not come to fruition, because between their (relational) aspirations and their (relational) capabilities falls the shadow. Cycles repeat without synthesis, and our place in their narratives remain the essence of ambiguity.

Damn I love the way Conundrum writes.

[Dog biscuit]

... . That does not mean that they do not also possess lovable relational traits... .

Yes, and it is only now after three and a half months, I can slowly look again at these lovely traits. And it hurts, and than I start to mis him and I dont want to, because of the hell he put me trough.

I miss and loved his enthousiasm, his eagerness, his beautiful posture, the freckles on his shoulders, his sensitivity, the smell of his skin, the laughter we shared, the crazy chemistry we had going on. His tears, his longing, his long emails that where full of love, his sweet messages, his eagerness to see me again when we were apart. His beautiful eyes. The sweet and romantic gestures he made. Those things I enjoyed so much, i loved them so... .

... . but all the crazymaking stuff, all the lies, all the drama and theater he build, the grudges he held that I didnt know, the cheating I didnt know of, the false self he was, the delibarite hurt he did me, the cruelty of his words and actions, his cruel manipulations, the way he used me in his game with his exgf that resulted in her siucide. The double bind positions he putted mein all the time, his egocentrism, his entitelment, the way he enjoys doing me harm... .

To feel pain and transcend suffering implies accepting the paradoxical nature of these relationships. They cause a great amount of feeling and emotion within, while divorcing us from reason. After the relationship ends it is an ongoing process of filtering--finding a balance between reason and emotion. Ab initio these relationships spark flames that burn bright. The embers slowly cool by acknowledging that the relationship was tangible--that a loss was suffered--while also accepting that we are not their agents of change.                    

It is hard to come to some kind of acceptance. I didnt want to loose him, but I had to, in order to safe myself. He will be happy again with someone else. Someone else will have him, he will play his games with someone else, showering her with love, I am nothing to him anymore, some distant memory.

He sucked me dry and was not able to give something in return, I believe he didnt want to give that in return. I believe a lot of his behavoir was dillebarate, and it hurts and makes me feel hurt and humiliated.

The sparks and flames burned so incredibly high and it was so wonderful, so alive and intense, but it was to much.

Thanks for the wise words... . I hope I will be more able to feel the pain.

[Tausk]

It was what is was.  It wasn't real in the sense that it wasn't what I thought it was.

But I have learned to grieve many things.

I learned to grieve the loss of a dream.  My dream.  The dream was real to me, even though it was simply a fantasy.  Still I have to grieve in order to let it go.

And when I grieved the loss of my dream, I cried twice as hard, because I know that my ex can't grieve herself.  

And I grieved for the destruction of the Disorder.

And I grieved the loss of my childhood innocence, and the loss of my ex's childhood innocence.

And I then learned to grieve for my father who died when I was thirteen, but I didn't have the support to be able to grieve for him, because I was picking up the pieces of the the chaos all around me.

And, I'm still grieving all of the above and finding more things to grieve.

Good luck.  

If it gives you comfort, know that it took me a while to learn and that you are no unique.  But at least you're probably asking the right questions.