Only child, BPD single father

[MyLifeNow]

Hi there, I found this site a few months ago and have been lurking here and on other pages I've found occasionally since then. I've kind of gone through a cycle where I'd think about these things for a day or so and then not again for weeks. I guess I'm posting now because it's my birthday (yay me) and dad will be pretty insistent about contacting me.

Some basic background would be a good place to start I guess. My mom had enough of dad's antics when I was 7 and left, but her lack of interest in my life back then (likely due to the high level of stress she was under) and dad's strong campaign to woo me with gifts etc to show that he was the good parent wound up with me staying with him. Kind of helped that mom wasn't even sure what part of North America she was moving to and dad was staying put where my school and all my friends were. I wound up getting both sides of the splitting. Growing up with him was this bewildering experience where one moment I could do no wrong, and the next I couldn't do anything right. It took a few years for him to really shift his focus to me, I guess once he finally came to terms with the fact that mom wasn't coming back. I wound up staying at home right through most of university, since we lived pretty close to a major one. I have these vague memories of a very young me being very outgoing and energetic, but by the time high school came around I was extremely withdrawn.

As I got older dad fought me whenever I was making a decision for myself, such as what degree to take or, after graduation, where to go to start my career. He spent a tremendous amount of effort trying to keep me close to him to the point where I wasn't really living my life. He was. It wasn't until I graduated and moved all the way to the other side of the country to try and find a job that I started to break free of the spell and see that something was really wrong. Over the last 6 years we've had several large fights when I've come to visit more than 2 or 3 days at a time. He would just pick fights out of nowhere, and I'd rage right back at him. I warned him several times to knock it off or I'd go home early, and a couple years ago I actually had to carry out that threat. At this point I, and everyone else who knew him, thought his problem was alcohol. This past October things blew up for the last time on the morning I was leaving which was when I went to limited, and then no contact. Then I went to see a therapist to deal with depression and anxiety. By the end of that I realized that for the longest time I felt like little more than an appendage for him to experience life with and that I did actually have the power now to decide what I want my life to be like. This was when I found out what BPD was. Based on what I had told her she strongly suspected that was what was going on. I finally had a reason for why things were so crazy.

While this was going on my dad's best friend emailed me after dad told him about our fight, and it turned out that he too had seen Jekyll and Hide in action and the crazy made up stories and facts to justify his emotions. Apparently, the reason I stopped talking to him was because of a woman I visited when I was there who turned me against him. So far, other than my therapist, he's the only person who I've told who has believed me when I told him the things my dad has done. I spent a good portion of the last 5 months mourning the man I once thought my dad was and trying to figure out if there is some way that I can start not expecting new people I meet to be as randomly cruel as he was. It made me very self reliant, but it hasn't exactly done wonders for my social life.

Mostly where I'm at now is trying to figure out if there is any way he can turn his life around. I don't think he even has memory of the things he's said to me. Usually his eyes go all glassy and focused off in the distance, so I'm really stumped as to how I could possibly convince him to actually meet with a psychologist. I visited my mom after graduating and not having any contact with her for over a decade, which was because whenever she tried to contact me dad would use me to try and drag her back into his whirlwind of madness. She told me that she didn't think he would change until he hit rock bottom. He's lost so many jobs in the last 7 or 8 years and I've given him thousands of dollars to keep him off the street, yet he refuses to downsize or change anything about his financial situation. The last big crisis was getting fired from a long term job which led into a huge legal battle over wrongful dismissal, which he lost, and then losing his license after getting caught DUI *again* while on his way to a hookup with a woman he met on a dating site days before. I'm kind of dreading what rock bottom for him is going to look like, because he's shown no signs of even recognizing that his life is anything other than a perfect dream. On top of that he's in his late 60's and has been binge drinking on a regular basis for close to 50 of them. He also has nobody left who is still close to him. He can't even acknowledge that part. He counts ex-lovers who will speak to him on the phone as people who are close to him. It's just so sad watching things fall apart in slow motion with any attempt to help being ignored. Meanwhile on my side I'm trying to figure out how to put the pieces of my own life back together again.

[scallops]

Dear MyLifeNow

I want to welcome you here to this site and Happy Birthday!

I truly believe this is one of the best places for support and I really think a place to heal most of all. I can remember when the first time a doctor told me about BPD and how they saw signs in my daughter then 14. Althought it was a bit scary... . it also was a relief to know. I want to encourage you to do some reading here about BPD.

There are steps you can take for healing... .

Accept his/her weakness. Some parents treat their children based on their memories of how they were treated themselves. They may not have been brought up in an environment with good examples to model who could show affection and love. They then bring these memories into their present. They have not learned to forgive and forget and correct the behavior that was modeled for them.

Recall pleasant moments. In a lifetime, a parent does not always abuse a child. He or she may have behaved badly when their state of mind and emotions were disturbed and in [/b]turmoil. Try to recall at least one pleasant moment when she or he was nice and treated you well. Each time your mind brings back the thought of an abusive parent, "swish" it back to this pleasant moment.

Release your old hurt and blame from supression. Ask yourself where the hurt is leading you and why are you still keeping it inside. Relax and sit quietly for a few minutes each day, then let yourself feel and then let go of those feelings inside you.

Know that each one of us is only visiting on this planet. Our life is short and it is of no use to keep grudges forever. Everything will pass and the best you can do is savor the present moment. Don’t allow your old hurt to ruin the rest of your life.

Work on yourself. Focus on what you can do to make life better for you and those whom you care and cherish. Become the example and the role model for those after you.

For things to change, you've got to change. And for you to be able to forgive, you need to forgive yourself and remove whatever blame and anger you have inside. I know I have no control over my daughter and what she does... . I only have control over myself so I work on that the most right now... . I am here to support my dd16 but it is her life and she will do what she wants... . same for your Dad... . I am glad you have found us here... . it takes time to heal but we are here for you


Supporting a Loved-one with Borderline Personality Disorder

Helping a loved one with BPD seek treatment

[maxen]

hi MyLifeNow and  i join scallops in saying

i'm so sorry for what you've been through. i too have a disordered parent and i understand the pain and the enormous frustration. (are you also an only, as i am?) but here you'll meet posters who have been through the same experiences as you have. we have wealth of resources and an active community of posters who are ready to listen and offer their support.

when a family member has BPD, the illness can negatively affect everyone in the family system, including children. senior members on the [L5]  Coping and Healing from a BPD Parent, Sibling, or Inlaw board are experienced with and can help you with setting boundaries, finding relief from FOG, encouraging self-care, improving your handling of relationships impacted by your BPD relative, and pursuing a path of recovery from traumatic experiences. the materials on the right hand side of that page will help clarify your thinking.

have you learned much from talking with your mum? please keep posting MyLifeNow!

[MyLifeNow]

Thanks. It really does seem like a long road ahead. When I finished my round of therapy this fall I felt really positive, you know? It was like "Hey, this is my life now and I get to make all the decisions instead of him". I had this idea that this was the end of the road and I was ready to move on to a better life. Apparently it's more complicated than shaking off the depression

Yep, only child. My parents had planned to have two, but it turned out it was very difficult for her to get pregnant. The fact that they had me at all was a surprise. Unfortunately there aren't really any relationships left to repair the damage to. My dad's brothers stopped talking to him when I was very young and now I can understand why. When I was born he had a really good job as an executive making more than double what I do in today's dollars, but somehow he still found it necessary to borrow tons of money from his mother and brothers and never paid it back aside from the one time when his older brother actually got a legal contract set up and charged interest. I was so young then that I really don't know anyone from his family, and I seem to have been caught in the crossfire there. ie: when my eldest uncle set up my grandmother's will (with power of attorney) he kind of screwed me over in favor of my cousins. Basically had my dad not been alive at the time I wouldn't have gotten his share, but my cousins would have gotten their fathers' share.

Mom was also kind of a special case, I've really had no contact with her since I was about 9 years old and she's really shown no interest in me being in her life. When I moved after school, it was to the city she was living in. She hooked up with some sleazy guy, closed her very profitable massage therapy clinic in a fitness center in a very wealthy neighborhood and moved in with him so that she could be taken care of again. Very quickly he was very displeased that any of her family was involved in her life, and then 4 months after I moved out there (on xmas eve) my aunt (her sister, who I was living with), my cousin / her boyfriend and myself all received letters disowning us all. Written by him, naturally. So... . really not a lot of insight from that end, just a few short conversations over the time we were in contact again.

The thing I'm finding hardest to deal with, and that I've been putting off thinking about, is how to handle him now. I've basically been no contact since last November, aside from once or twice when I've answered the phone. I normally have no stomach for that though because I never know who is going to be on the other end. The nice guy who left a message yesterday wishing me an early happy birthday in case he missed me today and sent a gift, or the person who says stunningly cruel things to me and smiles while doing it then gaslights like there's no tomorrow. Over the last several years we've almost exclusively been in contact by email since it's the only way I can actually get a point across to him without being shouted down or getting to the point where I have to hang up on him. I've been crystal clear to him about how I won't accept that behavior, and he'll abide by that for a few weeks... . then he's back to his old tricks again.

I know that he's attempted suicide at least once, before I was born. This was one of the things I found out from my mom. They were living in Ottawa and she came home to find him standing on the railing of the balcony. The thing was, he told me the same story when I was 13 or so after running over my cat. Which, I suspect, was not entirely an accident... . when he was walking to the car he had that dark look in his eye. He took me out for ice cream right after and told me this bizarrely irrelevant story which was exactly the one mom told me many years later. Just with their roles reversed. At the time she told me this I also caught her in several lies about my aunt and attempts to sabotage my relationship with her so I wasn't sure if I could believe it, but knowing what I do now the truth is pretty obvious.

I've been trying to write a good, clear email explaining to him what is happening with our relationship and ask him to get help. He seems to somehow still be under the impression that if he's nice enough he'll become part of my life again, despite the fact that we've spoken twice in 6 months. His best friend has seen this too and confronted him about it once. Dad told me that the friend stopped talking to him, but it turns out it was dad who had cut contact there. He's back in contact with dad now and keeping an eye out for things getting really out of hand. I'm debating whether or not to reveal to dad what he told me about his observations of dad's behavior to do an end run around the gaslighting denials, but I'm worried that will cause him to isolate himself again and send him into another spiral of depression and self destructive acts.

[Mutt]

 

Hi MyLifeNow,

I would like to join scallops and maxen and welcome a fellow canuck. I would also like to wish you a happy birthday!

I'm glad to hear that you are seeking help in therapy. I'm sorry to hear about your estranged mother, the difficulties and pain that your parents have caused.

The thing I'm finding hardest to deal with, and that I've been putting off thinking about, is how to handle him now. I've basically been no contact since last November, aside from once or twice when I've answered the phone. I normally have no stomach for that though because I never know who is going to be on the other end. The nice guy who left a message yesterday wishing me an early happy birthday in case he missed me today and sent a gift, or the person who says stunningly cruel things to me and smiles while doing it then gaslights like there's no tomorrow. Over the last several years we've almost exclusively been in contact by email since it's the only way I can actually get a point across to him without being shouted down or getting to the point where I have to hang up on him. I've been crystal clear to him about how I won't accept that behavior, and he'll abide by that for a few weeks... . then he's back to his old tricks again.

The key is to get to indifference. The more that you read and understand about BPD, you will gain insight and knowledge, understand why he operates the way that he does, and become depersonalized to his antics. It sounds like you have set boundaries, he'll abide, but he will test those boundaries every so often. It's up to you to uphold those boundaries, but be prepared to have them tested again.

They were living in Ottawa and she came home to find him standing on the railing of the balcony. The thing was, he told me the same story when I was 13 or so after running over my cat. Which, I suspect, was not entirely an accident... . when he was walking to the car he had that dark look in his eye. He took me out for ice cream right after and told me this bizarrely irrelevant story which was exactly the one mom told me many years later. Just with their roles reversed

Projection. It's a defense mechanism that unloads their shame and guilt.

Boundaries Tools of Respect

BPD BEHAVIORS: Projection

Radical Acceptance for family members

I'm glad that you have found us. You will find many members here that share the same experiences and will offer support.


- Mutt

[MyLifeNow]

Thanks again! Looks like I already have a good pile of helpful stuff to read!