How do you handle when BPD is depressed?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

If her family are BPD then they always have been and no doubt these sort of dynamics have always been happening. Yet your wife still went. there would have been many wake up calls in the past. Then when the clouds blow away, those wake calls are forgotten and the cycle starts again. How are you going to stop cycling through this again? and again?

Everything that is reported to have been said between them needs to be taken with a pinch of salt as it has gone though multiple BPD filters, and twisted each time.

eg your wife says something twisted, her sister hears it and interprets it twisted further. Then repeats a more twisted version to the mother. Who hears her own spin and then spews it back twisted further onto your wife. Of course all this twisted reactive behavior bears no resemblance to what you wife originally meant. She reacts by dumping a knee jerk response back on sis. Everything continues to bounce around the family triangle, becoming more and more crazy. Eventually your wife calls on you as rescuer and unloads another self pitying version on you.

Do you believe you will get anything that resembles a reliable and unbiased tale? If you then  get involved at some stage your wife will throw back her version of your "support" back at her family, you have now unwittingly joined the crazy dance.

Sometimes a pwBPD can maintain toxic relationships almost like a form of deliberate self harm. No one can invalidate my partner as well as her own mother, any contact causes stress, yet she is addicted to calling her everyday, often several times a day. They drive each other nuts

[waverider]

If her family are BPD then they always have been and no doubt these sort of dynamics have always been happening. Yet your wife still went. there would have been many wake up calls in the past. Then when the clouds blow away, those wake calls are forgotten and the cycle starts again. How are you going to stop cycling through this again? and again?

Everything that is reported to have been said between them needs to be taken with a pinch of salt as it has gone though multiple BPD filters, and twisted each time.

eg your wife says something twisted, her sister hears it and interprets it twisted further. Then repeats a more twisted version to the mother. Who hears her own spin and then spews it back twisted further onto your wife. Of course all this twisted reactive behavior bears no resemblance to what you wife originally meant. She reacts by dumping a knee jerk response back on sis. Everything continues to bounce around the family triangle, becoming more and more crazy. Eventually your wife calls on you as rescuer and unloads another self pitying version on you.

Do you believe you will get anything that resembles a reliable and unbiased tale? If you then  get involved at some stage your wife will throw back her version of your "support" back at her family, you have now unwittingly joined the crazy dance.

Sometimes a pwBPD can maintain toxic relationships almost like a form of deliberate self harm. No one can invalidate my partner as well as her own mother, any contact causes stress, yet she is addicted to calling her everyday, often several times a day. They drive each other nuts

[hurthusband]

my wife never wanted to go with them.  I must say that.  She hated to have to go.  She knew it was going to be a problem, she just did not know to this extreme.

I know that the whole group is completely whacko.  I have no doubt that her family is as crazy as they seem because they basically rode right over my boundaries and set all sorts of obligations for me to handle with this trip without consulting me

Mental illness is all over her family.  Her second cousin found out her husband was cheating on her with a 14 year old student and killed herself AND HER KIDS!

Her grandmother uncontrollably cries for no reason and its mean constantly.  I have been with my wife 11 years and I have never once seen her mother say "I love you" or hug her.  I have never once heard her mother say she was proud of her.  When I told her parents she attempted suicide, THEY DID NOTHING.  They did not even call to check on her or call me to see what was going on as I drove her to the hospital.  I understand being tired of drama and not wanting to feed into it, but they could have called me to check in.

Her sister did in fact tell me that I just have to deal with her and that I have to make it work, I have no choice.  That is crazy.  Her sister also lives alone and at the age of 31 has 0 friends nor bf nor kids.  Her past 3 boyfriends consisted of a homosexual man (I have nothing against being gay... my brother is... but as a boyfriend if you are a girl?), a physically abusive guy, and the last one I liked ok but something was off cause his kid was so messed up he literally physically assaulted several teachers and was kicked out of school at the age of 7.

The whole group is crazy.  I do not doubt that.  I do not doubt my wife overexaggerrated things.  Oddly enough, my wife has no anger towards them really towards her parents.  She feels guilt over parents and possibly messing up their trip.  It very well might have messed up their trip which I understand, but I do not feel guilty she did it to them

They have not attempted any help with me with her.  They have in fact loaded more BS on me and made things more difficult.  This graduation of a trip for my wife consisted of not one art museum in Europe for somebody who got her degree in Art.  The truth is this whole thing looked like a disaster waiting to happen, but she felt guilty since they booked the trip and paid without asking or else she would have declined.  The whole trip was really an excuse for them to make their usual trip and do what they want while also seeming like they cared about her graduating.  Just like every other thing they do.  Gifts that belong to both her and them, things for kids that kids do not want to do but that they do... .

I guess you could say while I am hurt and my wife has basically abused me... that is on her and I should leave over it.  She had no chance to become anything else in a household with them.  They knowlingly messed up everything for all.  (Did i mention that these same people took her father's life insurance policy and spent it on the step fathers business venture when she was a child rather than giving to her at 18 which were the instructions?)

Neither here nor there. I believe this story of hers to a degree.  The clarity she has right now, I have no clue if it will last.  I would not bet on it.  I am not betting we are together 4 months from now.  I do know that making things harder on me was not just my wife, but a group effort from her family too

[momtara]

her family is cruel and sick.  spending her inheritance on a business?  no wonder she and her sister are messed up.  it is hard to grow up without real love from a parent, and in fact, having parents who used her.  I have sympathy for her.  I don't think that means you have to subject yourself to abuse, but I understand how you feel about her.  while you are staying, you do need to set clear boundaries. 

[Grey Kitty]

I'd say her family sounds toxic. In your shoes, I'd avoid them when I could politely... . and seriously debate with myself how much I'd be willing to 'politely' put up with.

I'd also let your wife have her own r/s with them as she wants to. If asked about how bad an idea things like this trip are, I'd lightly suggest against them or ask questions to help her clarify her situation for herself.

And I'd start working on boundaries with your wife. Verbal/emotional abuse is a good one to start with. The tools and lessons here *do* improve your situation if you work at them.

Hang in there! At least  you are having a brief improved period to catch your breath.

 GK

[waverider]

Man you have red flags waving everywhere, no wonder its all so messed up.

[itgirl]

Wow.  Reading your story was looking into my future.

My uBPDso and I have been dating since 2011.  Her mom, dad and sister sounds exactly like your wife’s.  Exactly.  They controlling and never tell their daughter that they love or are proud of her.  They treat her like a child and I see this sort of thing happening down the line in MY FUTURE. 

I am committed but your story did raise a lot of red flags.  I will protect myself from them and not get so emotionally involved when they argue. 

I hope your situation improves.  I am too learning about boundaries for myself.

[hurthusband]

The fortunate thing is that we do not do much with them.  My wife really does not have any desire to go see them or anything.  This trip was mainly cause they forked over $4k on the trip and even though she didnt want to go with them, she still felt it rude to not go and let their money be wasted.  Now, it  would be their own fault, but even thought he gesture seemed to really be about them getting a trip as they normally take, they have never invited her along before

The really weird part is that with her kids they are pretty loving and kind.  Now that does not mean that they do not plan stuff for kids without consulting and then swooping into to control things, but I have noticed that is something most grandparents do and you have to set boundaries.  These people being crazy do it a little more than most.  Being that the kids are both my step kids and these not my parents, I am at a bit of a loss on being the one to set the boundaries with them as those two things can be brought up.  I am the outsider

I get along with her parents fine, but I get along with pretty much everyone.  Bad personalities do not bother me outside of narcissistic ones, but I can work with those.  Honestly, being around her parents gives me chuckles.  I laugh in my head at some of the stuff they do...

For a chuckle on these forums.  Her father is obsessed with winning things on contests.  He wins so much that he literally cannot call some radio stations because he is on the list of too soon on winning.  Doesnt matter what it is... .   Metallic tickets, Garth Brooks tickets, movie, food, sporting events (he doesnt like sports)... ANYTHING.  The funny part is that he really has no interest in any of the prizes.  In fact, he met his wife (my wife's mother) on a call in radio blind date deal (while he was still married)!

He will literally drive grocery to grocery using coupons that he spends all Sunday clipping.  He probably spends all his savings in gas.  I have nothing against being frugal, but this is waaaay overboard.

My wife's sister texted her asking if she wanted some milk from this timeshare dairy cow she has.  They all acted like nothing happened on the trip... my wife admits to finally exploding on her sister... telling them they are all mentally ill and that she is the only one in therapy.  They act like nothing happened.

Its weird

[momtara]

"In fact, he met his wife (my wife's mother) on a call in radio blind date deal (while he was still married)!"

Oh lord.

Maybe they are nice to the grandkids because the grandkids don't see through them. 

[Grey Kitty]

Being that the kids are both my step kids and these not my parents, I am at a bit of a loss on being the one to set the boundaries with them as those two things can be brought up.

I'm at a loss too--you can protect yourself with your boundaries; you can protect your kids as well. You *might* do some things to protect your stepkids... . however that is murkier, and hypothetical for now anyhow.

However, your boundaries cannot protect your wife from her family. In fact trying to do that would be trampling on her boundaries! Perhaps you can suggest ways she might enforce boundaries with them... . however that would likely be invalidating unless she asked for help.

Fortunately it sounds like your wife is pretty sick of their behavior... . and likely to reduce contact on her own.

[hurthusband]

so as far as when your SO are very depressed... how do you handle things?  What do you do?

Obviously you still follow steps on validating, SET, etc, but anything else you find that works?

Do you feel if they are just lying in bed and depressed and you feel there is nothing more you can do it is ok to live your life and try and cheer up yourself, or does that set them off?

[waverider]

so as far as when your SO are very depressed... how do you handle things?  What do you do?

Obviously you still follow steps on validating, SET, etc, but anything else you find that works?

Do you feel if they are just lying in bed and depressed and you feel there is nothing more you can do it is ok to live your life and try and cheer up yourself, or does that set them off?

You cannot force anyone to not be depressed, you must look after yourself. Depression in carers is a serious, and common problem. If you become depressed they will end up mirroring this.

The best you can do is set a good example, the same with boundaries if you can demonstrate how firm boundaries benefit your life they "may" learn to adopt the same techniques in their own life.  She has no boundaries, her family has no boundaries. You are the only one who she may learn from.

Bottom line is you have to do whats best for you first.

[hurthusband]

Maybe it is just me, but i suspect others of us have this too

Therapist tells me the usual that been said here.  "it is not all your fault"

Why do I have such a hard time accepting that?  Is it because there is fear of being out of control of something?

Why do we all put up with what we do?

Even those of us who leave, have allowed ourselves to be abused to a degree.  What is it about us that makes us tolerate or attracted to this behavior while others run long before?  Is it our upbringing?

Maybe this should be used for a different thread... We are all here trying to learn to deal with a BPD, but there must be something wrong for us that we are accepting that we can just *deal* with a BPD.  The guilt we feel, the sadness for them... why?

[Love Is Not Enough]

You cannot force anyone to not be depressed, you must look after yourself. Depression in carers is a serious, and common problem. If you become depressed they will end up mirroring this.

The best you can do is set a good example, the same with boundaries if you can demonstrate how firm boundaries benefit your life they "may" learn to adopt the same techniques in their own life.  She has no boundaries, her family has no boundaries. You are the only one who she may learn from.

Bottom line is you have to do whats best for you first.

I have found all of this to be very true in my case. When I finally stood up for myself and carried myself in a more confident way she began to do the same. She may give me the silent treatment for a short time now, but she will now come to me in a reasonable amount of time and tell me "what I did wrong" so that we can discuss it. This has worked much better than her fuming about it for long periods of time and then blowing up at me. I think this mirroring works for most positive and negative aspects of the relationship. You must model for them a healthy way to act and they will be more likely to follow.

Maybe it is just me, but i suspect others of us have this too

Therapist tells me the usual that been said here.  "it is not all your fault"

Why do I have such a hard time accepting that?  Is it because there is fear of being out of control of something?

Why do we all put up with what we do?

Even those of us who leave, have allowed ourselves to be abused to a degree.  What is it about us that makes us tolerate or attracted to this behavior while others run long before?  Is it our upbringing?

Maybe this should be used for a different thread... We are all here trying to learn to deal with a BPD, but there must be something wrong for us that we are accepting that we can just *deal* with a BPD.  The guilt we feel, the sadness for them... why?

There are many variables that come into play for how we ended up in, and stay in, these relationships. The important thing is that we do something about it so that we either improve what we are in or get out in order to protect ourselves.

The FOG is all encompassing and can literally destroy you. You have to find a way get yourself to let go of the guilt. Repeating a positive mantra every morning helped me overcome several issues I had. Just keep repeating it over and over until it sticks. Drown out all that negative garbage in your head as best as you can. We are human and we are allowed to make mistakes. Learn from them and let it go. Beating yourself up over them will help no one. Especially yourself. Try saying "I am a great husband!" a hundred times out loud and see if you do not feel better. I bet you will.

We must love ourselves first.

[waverider]

Try saying "I am a great husband!" a hundred times out loud and see if you do not feel better. I bet you will.

We must love ourselves first.

I do something like this, I have little ditties like this I put to a simple tune, and i hum the tune and find the words subconciously going through my mind. It really is uplifting. My partner asked me what I was humming, so I told her. Now she finds it uplifting when I do it out loud. She says it puts her in a good mood knowing I'm in a good mood. She is not worrying about me feeling critical of her, leading to defensiveness, when I'm humming a tune about what a great person i am.

It's become a standing joke and performed with 'hammed" up vanity.

[heartandwhole]

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