i wish i had a magic wand

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

then i would wave it around and make all of our pain go away ! But that's me still in magic land, where i was before and where part of me still is. 

Instead i'm building up my tool kit.  Im gonna build myself a new home.  It's gonna be warm, safe, cozy and real. It may have a few cracks in it, but it will be one i call my own. Im just standing here looking at the land i see in front of me , trying to clear away all of the brush and debris I've accumulated along the way and trying to figure out how i will lay down the foundation. Some of the land im just going to have to work around.  I will figure that out.  Its seems like a daunting task.  I feel overwhelmed, scared, not even sure i can do it at times.  I almost feel like giving up now and then. But I am not going to give up.  No way... I am going to carry on !

[corraline]

then i would wave it around and make all of our pain go away ! But that's me still in magic land, where i was before and where part of me still is. 

Instead i'm building up my tool kit.  Im gonna build myself a new home.  It's gonna be warm, safe, cozy and real. It may have a few cracks in it, but it will be one i call my own. Im just standing here looking at the land i see in front of me , trying to clear away all of the brush and debris I've accumulated along the way and trying to figure out how i will lay down the foundation. Some of the land im just going to have to work around.  I will figure that out.  Its seems like a daunting task.  I feel overwhelmed, scared, not even sure i can do it at times.  I almost feel like giving up now and then. But I am not going to give up.  No way... I am going to carry on !

[HappyNihilist]

I'll take a hit off that magic wand! 

I love your metaphor of building up your own home. That's a great way to look at this process.

I feel overwhelmed a lot, too. It helps to break it down into small parts. One day at a time... . one brick at a time... . finding myself as I go.

[corraline]

@Happy

Hmmmm... . you're using bricks ?

I was building a cob house.  Maybe bricks would be sturdier and not as likely to get cracks. 

I'll have to rethink my plans.

[coolioqq]

I know what you mean... .

On that note, things were much simpler when people were cavemen... . I doubt BPD existed back then. People didn't have to work, fight, wound their children and go through the whole BPD nightmare. We invented a whole lot of problems and now trying to fix them by inventing new ones... . I am just rambling here, but I read about a case of some guy just getting sick of everything, calling it quits and went to a Central American jungle with $5 in his pocket, and lived there for a year like a caveman. He expected that he would die there, but he couldn't care less. What happened? His depression went away completely, he connected with nature, healed in every way, and went back to the "real world" with $5 in his pocket... .

The point: we made our life a nightmare thinking that we are making it better. KISS

[elizabeth716]

Your words express what I have said in my mind, and heart, many times over the last few months. Thank you for the honest, candid post. I've said that I wish that I had a crystal ball so that I could see what the future holds... . that would give me the assurance to do what is right... . And not make a mistake. I've put so much credence in what my husband says... . and that is not healthy, good or right. Unraveling myself from him has felt like hell... . But time, distance and space has helped... . and finding this community of amazingly strong people who understand and can provide support, suggestions or merely a kind word of assurance has made a big difference to me, that's for sure.

I understand how you feel and for lack of a more sophisticated way of saying it... . Keep on, keepin' on... . There are better days ahead, but it looks like today was a positive one for you; I really like the analogy of the building a new house within yourself. Thanks for your post.

[corraline]

elizabeth

i almost wished i didnt post that one for some reason.  I started to feel stupid about sending it... Mostly cause I don't trust my process at times.  I don't trust when i feel good, I'm so used to feeling bad these days. So i thought it was silly in a way but hey, glad i changed my mind and glad i did send it especially if it resonated with you. My sense of humor and some joy is coming back in fleeting moments and i need to learn to be okay with it . Patience is not a virtue of mine, either is accepting who i am right now.  I want everything to be fixed now and for it to stay that way now !

Hmmm. i guess life isn't quite like that I am afraid.

I gave away so much of myself to my ex too.  I tried to fight for myself but still gave alot away.

You are right, this community is pretty good huh?

[elizabeth716]

My sense of humor and some joy is coming back in fleeting moments and i need to learn to be okay with it . Patience is not a virtue of mine, either is accepting who i am right now.  I want everything to be fixed now and for it to stay that way now !

Hmmm. i guess life isn't quite like that I am afraid.

I gave away so much of myself to my ex too.  I tried to fight for myself but still gave alot away.

So glad that you posted this here, it is extremely helpful to see that others feel as others do. I joke around that patience is my "least best virtue" because I'm quite impatient. My struggle continues... . Am I right? Am I crazy? What could I have done? Why am I not good enough for him to change? Maybe this, and maybe that... . It wasn't until I started going to Al-Anon that I realized how his illness had affected me and now I am working to get back to good. I'm a very happy person, and the compartmentalizing that I have done is disturbing. The blessing is that I know it, see it, realize where I am at, and will never allow myself to be like I have in the past. Nor will I permit my son to be negatively affected by this.

You are a strong, strong person... . it is only when we dig our heels into who we are, what we want to be, and carve a path to how we can get there can we see the forest from the trees.

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us."

-Henry Stanley Haskins