Parenting a BPD son and I need a friend.

[cab0ad]

I will start with the fact that my son has not been formally diagnosed but he has an appointment with a new psych in 1 month and I am almost 100% sure this is what we are dealing with.  He has been dealing with abnormal tendencies since he was in 1st grade and he is in 8th now.  Been to a psych for years who seems to think he has severe depression but I know it is more.  I try to tell his counselor things that go on but my son denies them and the counselor believes him. 

My son can be a real sweetheart at times.  He will want to watch a show with us or cuddle.  But most of the time he is relatively nightmarish.  He has bouts of depression where he will be unable to pull himself out of bed to the point he comes home from school, goes to sleep at 3, and complains that he's tired the next morning at 7 in the morning after 16 hours of sleep.  During these times he won't smile at.  He won't turn in school work.  Won't go out to see family.  Won't go to footaball games or movies.  Complete depression.

Sometimes he is what we call his "normal" self. He still is rather negative during these episodes.  Still unlikely to want to socialize with family or want to go to school but he can do it when we make him without too much arguing.

Then there are the times we really hate where he seems to be a completely different person for some reason.  During these times he makes impulsive decisions that are wreckless.  During these times he has a variety of behaviors that are disturbing.  A few years ago he used my credit card online to charge over $3000 at a gaming sight over a 1 month period before I found out. He stole $20 from my purse during an episode last week. He sometimes (not always) seems paranoid. He doesn't think logically and he gets into scuffs with peers.  There is a lot of drama over a girl he has had a crush n for 3 years. in 6th grade the girl went to the counselor claimnig he made her uncomfortable because he was always staring at her.  In 7th grade he hit a boy that was dating her near the end of school.  and yesterday he purpously "walked into" another boy that is dating the girl hard enough to knock him over. Got a call from the principal saying many kids saw it happen though he claims it was an "accident". Principal also told me kids claim he has been writing "dark" notes and leaving them around although she has not seen them and cannot tell me what they contain. This kid used to be a "friend" of my son's until he started dating the girl then he instantly turned into a mortal enemy!  It is like my son sees things in black and white.  No gray aree at all!  The second you do something he does not like all good in you disappears and he has a loathing hatred for you.  Very scary!

My son also has a history of self harming since 1st grade.  He used to purpously scratch up his arms with his fingernails.  Then he moved onto cutting his wrist although I don't know how or what he uses to do it with. These episodes are not always occuring.  Just during his "impulsive" moods.

He also binge eats constantly and tries to eat in private. He does not eat at school at all strangely.  Just at hime and in mass quantity.

We have been inindividual counseling and group therapy. Problem is he is a smart kid and tells teh counselor what he know he needs to hear to make it seem as if the problems are under control.  He makes up fake girlfriends/friends to tell the counselor about.  THe counselor totally buys into it.

He has been on antidepressents since 2nd grade.  I keep telling the psych that he IS depressed but I think the problem is more.  The psych does not seem to belive me for some reason.  I finally got fed up and made an appointment for a new psych to have him reevaluated.

I feel lonely and trapped.  I love my son but I don't "like" him.  Does that make sense?  I am constantly dealing with drama he creates for himself to deal with.  He does not understand or learn from his behaviors or consequences.  How do you deal with that?  How do you create change without a person who will even acknowledge there is a serious problem?  He thinks he is normal and WE are the messed up ones!

Please, I need hope.  I need advice.  I need guidance.  I need someone who understands and can help.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

Dear cab0ad

I want to welcome you here to this site and tell you how happy you have found us. I found this board a year and a half ago and it really helped me through some tough times. I am sorry you are struggling with your ds. Can I ask you how old he is now? I think you are right to seek out another P... . go with your gut feeling here... . mamas know their kids the best. My dd16 had a T for 2 years and I was afriad to change but I finally did because my dd continued to get worse... . it really was the best thing I did for her. She made a real connect with her and has really improved of the past year so keep looking for someone that can help you ds. Have you ever had a Neuropsychological evaluation for your sd? I have had this done twice for me dd... . once in 2 nd grade and again after 8th grade... . very helpful.

When a child suffers from BPD (even our adult child), not only is the child unhappy and unhealthy, but often, so is everyone who loves them. This mental illness can severely affect everyone, creating drama and heartbreak, while also piling on the guilt and anxiety. The good news is that there are answers to these problems, and we are here to offer you the support and encouragement to help you find them. You'll see that there are things that can be done to stop making things worse and begin to make them better. A great place to start is with this set of resources: What can a parent do? We look forward to seeing you on the Parenting a Son or Daughter Suffering from BPD board and hope you join us in learning how to understand and communicate with our children better.

I want to tell you of a book I really got a lot of help from... . "Overcoming BPD by Valerie Porr" I can't say enough about this book... . I have read a lot but this one really hit home for me so pleae try and get it if you can. I want to also encourage you to read the articles here and try and learn the communication tools... . I found that really helped me with my dd and reduced the conflict in our home. Here are a couple to get you started... . please keep posting so we know more about your situation... .


Validation--Tips and Traps for Parents

Video--Validation: Encouraging Peace in a BPD Family

Parents’ “Bill of Rights”

[peaceplease]

cabOad,

 I would like to join jellibeans in welcoming you here.  I am sorry about your son.  I can understand your aggravation with therapists.  My adult daughter(29) only tells her version of what is going on.  I just wish that she would find a therapist that realizes there is so much more than my daughter shares. However, she is an adult, and I have no control.

I am glad that you switched to a new psychiatrist.  If you are not being heard, then it is time to move on!  You are your son's advocate.

I am glad that joined us here.

peaceplease

[qcarolr]

cab0ad -

This is so hard when the distress begins at such a young age. My BPDDD is now 27. She has struggled in so many ways since a very young child. Figuring this out with our young kids can be very complex. There can often be more than one mental health issue needing to be taken into consideration in evolving a good treatment plan.

The behaviors displayed around the girl your ds is attracted to sounds very scary for all involved. Is this a person in your neighborhood or only at school? Perhaps considering moving your ds to a different school could be part of the conversation with both the new psych and the school counselor or social worker.

The longer cycles in his pattern of changes in mood and behavior could also be a type of bipolar disorder, which is treatable with medication. There could also be some personality disorder traits overlapping this. I do hope that some psychological testing, including the neuropsych testing, can be included in a thorough evaluation.

Is this appointment with a psychiatrist, psychologist or other licensed mental health professional? They each focus on a different aspect of evaluation and treatment. How much involvement in his therapy has included the parents? For my family, working with a child/family therapist has helped with understanding and putting strategies into place. We also see a psychiatrist for medication at the same child/family clinic as the therapist. Including the family dynamic in the treatment plan has been so vital for my situation.

The book jellibeans suggested is a good one. I would also highly recommend "Parenting a Child with Intense Emotions". Click this link to read a review of this book. The tools helped me be better custodial grandma with my gd8 who suffers with some anxiety, trauma, and now ADHD. I sure wish I had these tools when my DD27 was a child.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=200554.0#lastPost

Keep coming back and let us know how things are going. Sometimes sharing and venting have really helped me gain a more clear perspective. We care.

qcr

[cab0ad]

Unfortunately, things are just getting worse. After Wednesdays incident of "accidentally" bumping into this boy hard enough to knock him down my son received a day of in school suspension.  We talked with him, tried to process why it happened and what he could do about it, and he acted like everything was totally fine.  Then on Friday we get another call from the principal. My son walked up to this boy and just punched him in the head when he saw him at school.  They had an officer come escort him off campus to the alternative school in our district for out of school suspension for 10 days. As if that was not bad enough we got ANOTHER call from the principal at 5:30 letting us know that after he was escorted off campus several students came to give more evidence against him.  One kid said he claimed my son stole a fork from the cafeteria and claimed he was gonna kill this kid with it.  My son did admit to me that he said he was going to "stab him" with a fork but he said he never took the fork and he only said it in joking, not seriously.  Another kid said my son said he was going to commit suicide on the bus.  I believe this claim as we have caught him saying this numerous times throughout his life when seeking attention.

One part of me thinks there is NO WAY on earth my son would ever commit suicide or stab another person with a fork.  No way.   But of course until now I thought there was no way on earth he would punch a kid in the head either.  I thought there was no way on earth he would ever be escorted by a policeman to an alternative school.

I don't know what to do.  I can't get in with the new psych for another month!  I'm desperate so I called the old psych/counselor and got more appointments for this tuesday though I doubt they will do any good.  I almost admitted him to a psych hospital last night but decided against it at the last minute because the on call psych ont he phone (who has never treated him) listened to the story and said he did not think he was in immediate danger and could probably wait for tuesday's appointment.  he said admitting him was only good if I felt he needed to be on suicide watch adn that the hospital would not do psychiatric testing.  So I slept on the floor by my son all night waking up to check on him.  Today he seems back to his baseline self. not angered by anything.  Just sitting around depressed.

I work in a school in the district this is happening.  I know the officer who had to go accompany my son to the alternative school.  I had the kid that my son punched in class for 6 years when he was in elementary school.  I am traumatized by what is going on.  I am not "that mother" who ignores or mistreats her son. Why is he so messed up?  I am so worried about him but at the same time I'm ashamed to say that I'm worried about my reputation and how this is affecting my daughter's chances of having normal friendships with kids.  Let's face it, would you let your 7 year old go play at a house where there is a 14 year old boy who has been sent to OSS for fighting and has made threats?  I live in a small town.  rumors spread like wildfire around here.  My daughter only has 1 close friend, whose mom happens to be the counselor at the high school.  I am guessing that she is gonna know about my son soon and close the friendship off with her son and my daughter. I don't even blame her.  I would too. 

I have been trying to think of ways to lessen the effect this will have on my daughter.  Should we completely move districts so noone knows about my son's rocky issues?  That would likely help the obsession he has with this girl too.  But starting over with total strangers is likely to be a stresser for him too.  Would that just make it worse?  The only subject my son enjoys is band but this girl and boy is in band too.  Should I refuse to let him take band anymore and ask the counselor to make sure they share no classes together? I have even looked into a local Christian boarding school for troubled teens.  Looks great and would be great for him but would cost $60,000 for a year!  Who has that kind of money sitting around?  How can I make life okay for my daughter who is going to be affected by this unfairly?  I just cannot wrap my head around what is going on.

And what will happen when he goes back to school?  I'm sure he will be shunned by his peers.  I get that.  Will that push him over the edge?  How will he deal with the ramifications of his actions (which I don't think he understands yet).

I cannot believe I'm in this position.  I never thought my son, regardless of his differences or emotional issues, would be suspended for fighting and claiming he would kill a person with a fork.  How do you process that as a parent and move forward? 

Has anyone else's kid struggled with behaviors like this and gotten better?  I truly am starting to lose hope of ever having a functional family or happy family again and that scares me. 

[cab0ad]

what is neuropsych testing?  How was your loved ones evaluated and treated?  What kind of psychiatric testing did they do?  When we first took DS to the psych he just asked general questions and told me he had anxiety, ADD, and depression (this was when he was in 1st/2nd grade).  When that psychiatrist retired we went to the one we currently have.  He asked about his previous psych's opinion and we told him.  He just rolled with it and said, yea, major depression.  Is there some kind of test I should be asking to be given to my child?  How do I get it?  I want a formal evaluation of some kind done, not just a person listening to my opinion and then saying, yea lets go with what the other psychs said. 

I tried calling the local children's hospital because they have a psych department but they refused to take him on as a patient.  they said they only treat children who have mental issued because of other illnesses they are dealing with (cancer, etc.) who get recommended from other departments in the hospital. 

[mama72]

cab0ad-I am so very sorry for what you and your family are going through. These kids with BPD seem to change so quickly and drastically before our eyes, there is no possible way to prepare for it. Usually by the time you come up with a game plan, there has already been so much damage done, it is hard to know where to start.

There is a test called The Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory (MMPI) that I have heard is fairly reliable in helping diagnose some mental illnesses. A therapist told me, that in the past when kids were admitted to inpatient treatment, suicide attempt or other, that this test was routinely given to aid in diagnosing. Now, insurances do not want to pay for it and if you want it done you need to find a psychiatrist to give it, and may have to pay out of pocket for it. It is a pretty extensive test, about 600 questions and it takes about 3 hours to take, but can be broken up in to sessions. My friend's son is having some serious behavioral issues and just finished the test last week. The had to pay $1,200 out of pocket. Look into it and see what you think. Maybe some members here have had a loved one take it that can give their opinion?

My DD psychiatrist is hesitant on giving it for some reason. He is one of those doctors that is very hesitant on diagnosing her with full blown BPD. Extremely frustrating, but he want to focus more on treatment that labeling her at 17 with a diagnosis that will follow her her entire life. I can see his point, at times.

I totally understand your feelings of frustration and shame, which usually cycle into guilt and then dysfunction. It is horrible. Does your friend, who is the counselor, have any recommendations on what to do?

[jellibeans]

Dear ca0ad

I am sorry your son continues to struggle at school. I kind of feel we are at a point in the school years when everyone is just done and they want it to be over.

Neuropsychological evaluation is an assessment of how one's brain functions, which indirectly yields information about the structural and functional integrity of your brain. The neuropsychological evaluation involves an interview and the administration of tests.

My dd has has 2 such evaluations... . once in 2nd grade and again after 8 grade... . she has struggled in school her whole life... . for me I want to see what disabilities she had but aslo find out how her brain worked.

As far as your daughter is concerned... . I would contact the mother of her friend and tell her what has happened... . so she hears it from you and not just some rumor... . I would be very up front with her and assure her her daughter is safe when she is at your home... . or offer that it might be best that the girls play at her house right now going forward because your son is going through a hard time... . I would think most people would appreciate this call and it will put her at ease.

As far as returning to school... . it is hard to say how your son will respond. Maybe being removed from band is a good thing but if it is the one thing he enjoys I worry he will act out further. I do think you need to sit down with the administrators and discuss how to help your son adjust to school once returned and also how to protect these others involved. It really is the responsibility of the school to educate your son and they need to be the ones coming up with some suggestion on how he is going to do when returned. Purely looking at this as a behavioral problem it really unfair to your son... . right now your son is emotionally disabled... . he needs help from everyone right now.

I know this must be hard when it effects your reputation... . I get that but really the only thing you can do right now is focus on helping your son. Can you call the parent of the boy your son punched? I would certainly reach out anyway I could. Would it be helpful if you all had a sit down?

It is unfortunate that you have to wait so long for your next appointment... . is it possible to call the office again and ask to be put on a cancelation list... . I would explain your son is really struggling right now and needs to see someone ASAP... . they might move him up or squeeze him in... . You are his advocate... . you need to speak for him and try to find him the help he needs.

I am not sure you really got good advise from the P hospital... . having to sleep on the floor beside your child tell me he is in danger. I really feel the sooner he is helped the better. Next time he needs to go directly to the hospital. Never ignore threats of suicide. Your son is emotionally dyregulated and he is having a hard time controlling him self right now.

What is the plan going forward? He is in the other school for 10 days? Is that enough time for you to talk to the people necessary and come up with a plan for his return? Changing classes? how is that impact him? This is a small school? I do think he needs to feel the consequence of his actions but I would be careful of pushing him too far.

I know you are in crisis right now and naturally you are worried about how this will reflect on you. Try not to focus on that... . I have been there and that really helps no one. Your son is going through a hard time right now and that is no fault of yours... . I think after you meet with school officials you will have a better plan going forward. Is there a school P involved? or at least a counselor... . you need support and you need to ask for it... . hang in there

[BioAdoptMom3]

I am so sorry you are going through this!  We parents here understand your struggles!  I know it may not be that at all, it may indeed be BPD traits, but your son sounds a lot like my DD (9th grade) who was just diagnosed 3 weeks ago at a residential treatment center, with bipolar.  In children and teens mania usually presents as irritability and anger reactions to things.  They go through periods of normal behavior, then sink into major depression or mania.  Many, especially our younger ones, have the quick cycling kind.  Our DD was doing the same thing as you son with the sleep.  She also bounced around from mood to mood very quickly.  Many psychs do not want to diagnose BP in younger people but they are starting to come around. Our DD has been in treatment for 3 years for what they have believed to be BPD traits.  BPD may still exist her right along side of it, but if it is BP or BP as well, with the right meds and therapy you can have a different child. 

Here are some of the most common symptoms in children and younger teens:

Excessive anxiety or worry

Separation anxiety which lasts well into later childhood and is excessive

Difficulty arising in the AM

Insomnia - difficulty getting to sleep OR staying asleep

Frequent nightmares

Craves sweets and carbs

Easily distracted during repetitive chores or lessons

Difficulty organizing tasks, making transitions and/or estimating time

Extremely sensitive to loud noises and textures

Tells tale tales, embellishes or exaggerates

Inappropriate sexual behavior

Takes excessive risks

Complains of being board

Has irritable mood states

Has periods of isolation and withdraw

Has periods of self-doubt or low self-esteem

Feels easily criticized or rejected

Intolerant of delays, always wants immediate gratification

Relentlessly pursues own needs and is demanding of others

Argues with adults

Bossiness

Blames others for his mistakes

Explosive temper tantrums

Difficulty maintaining friendships

Hoards food or other objects

Fascinated with gore, blood and violence

Suicidal threats, ideation or attempts

Abrupt, rapid mood swings

Self-harming behaviors

Easily humiliated or shamed

Very intuitive or creative

There are lots more, but those are some of the main symptoms of BP.  I would check with the doctor and see what he or she thinks.

[qcarolr]

BioAdoptMom3

This list describes my DD27 starting at a very very young age -- some even from infancy. She was dx ADHD at age 4 by developmental pediatrician after 2 days of testing. Tiny dose of ritalin increased her agitation and aggressive behaviors. At age 6 she was inpatient for aggressiveness for 5 weeks (includes 2 weeks in day treatment) and dx bipolar. She never has responded well to the meds. for either of these. The BPD was not added until she was 23 as part of her custody case for my gs. Her non-verbal LD was also dx at age 6 with neuropsych testing and really really complicates the treatment picture for her.

It is a very complex situation when our kids are so young. IMHO for the intensity to appear at such a young age, especially in a stable family environment with other 'normal' siblings there are co-mingling factors that have to be considered. It is hard to treat with meds. when one  can trigger the other and side effects can make something else better but that first thing worse. It is really like talking in circles. This takes a very good pdoc to unravel, one who knows kids well, meds well, and trusts the parents input on what is happening at home.

Sometimes it takes the safety of an inpatient psych stay to get off all the meds., do testing, and start out fresh along with some other kinds of therapies to cope with low self-esteem, anger, fears,... . followed/concurrent with CBT or DBT type therapies. These are hard to find affordable.

I will continue to wonder if I had the tools for validation, boundaries, and a better support network while DD was young if her outcome would have changed. Also wonder if my bipolar had be dx and treated before this child entered my life if that would have made a difference as well.

Today though, it was a good day in my household with a brief visit with DD27, gd8 dh and I.

qcr

[Whitlo]

I have only been a member for 24 hours, but I do think I can offer some advice. My 18 year old had a tentative dx of bipolar-nos for about 18 months, so I joined a support group offered through The Balanced Mind Foundation. I did gain a lot of knowledge even if we now know the dx may have been inaccurate. First of all, pediatric bipolar presents very differently than adult, and several other folks have given you a great list of symptoms. A book many of the parents in my group found invaluable was "The Bipolar Child" by Papalos. It seemed to help me understand some of the really subtle behaviors that many physicians don't recognize.  Secondly, medications for bipolar are quite different than for a unipolar depression, and in fact antidepressants and stimulant medications are often very destabilizing for those with bipolar. If you search the Balanced Mind website for "treatment guidelines" you will find what they feel to be the most proven combination of meds. A lot of people would print the guidelines to show their physicians. I can tell you that a combination of mood stabilizers and sometimes a class of meds called atypical antipsychotics is what you will read about. I feel a little strange writing that since I am far from being an expert but it is a mantra over there so I just wanted to share it with you. I think both the book and the website could be very useful to you moving forward.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[qcarolr]

A book many of the parents in my group found invaluable was "The Bipolar Child" by Papalos. It seemed to help me understand some of the really subtle behaviors that many physicians don't recognize.  Secondly, medications for bipolar are quite different than for a unipolar depression, and in fact antidepressants and stimulant medications are often very destabilizing for those with bipolar.

I can tell you that a combination of mood stabilizers and sometimes a class of meds called atypical antipsychotics is what you will read about.

I read this book when it was published and my DD27 was an adolescent. I was also unstable with my bipolarII. The book helped me, as did this combo of meds. I no longer need the atypical antipsychotics for anger issues.

For my DD the bipolar meds did not work and this has been changed to unipolar depression, panic disorder and the BPD. Antidepressants work for her depression and anxiety - then she is available to choose behavioral therapies. She is starting a CBT class on relationships. Praying she can stick to it long enough for it to make a difference for her.

qcr

[parent of bpd daughter]

Hi cab0ad,

so sorry you have the need to be here and so glad you are here so you can see you are not alone and it is NOT your fault. I don't have any easy answers other than already stated -

Seek out DBT clinics therapists in your area

Seek out therapy for yourself - you will benefit from it

Be prepared for the long haul - it will be a lifelong journey

Don't be afraid to set limits and stick to them

Make sure all therapists you engage with have background in BPD

treatment - DBT therapists seem most prepared

Consider in patient hospitalization if your  insurance will cover - it

sometimes gets more rapid results

Take breaks for yourself and practice self care - like other say

put your oxygen mask on first or you can't help your child

You will get through this - it will be difficult at times - but you can and will do this - you are stronger than you think

[jeb]

Although my BPDd is 25 years old compared to your son's age, I have often said to many people over the years that although I love my daughter, I don't like her.  So I think that your expressing that very thought is not unusual for parents of kids with BPD.  I mean would you stick with a friend or relate to a co-worker who you never knew when and where they would abuse you.  I know I would cut a friend like that loose.  Life is too short but we can't cut our kids out of lives; although they may choose to cut us out for indefinite periods of time.  I am really struggling with the concept of "unconditional love" when it comes to one's child.  I think that as I do more research and read the lessons on this website and a book or two, I may still be able to maintain the "unconditional love" that we as parents are supposed to have for our children BUT it certainly is not easy by any means.