Today is her birthday, should I send her a text?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Today is her birthday, and I want to send her a "happy birthday" text, but I don't know if it's good for me or not.

Just a short summary, and sorry that I don't know where to post this. I was with her 4 years, and she left me 11 months ago and took up with my replacement (her sisters exbf). Since, xmas I have been in NC with her. I told her not to contact me again. It was my birthday 2 weeks ago, and she didn't write me.

I am not voluntarily on the detachment board. Ideally I would like to be able to move to the "staying" board.

[GuiltHaunted]

Today is her birthday, and I want to send her a "happy birthday" text, but I don't know if it's good for me or not.

Just a short summary, and sorry that I don't know where to post this. I was with her 4 years, and she left me 11 months ago and took up with my replacement (her sisters exbf). Since, xmas I have been in NC with her. I told her not to contact me again. It was my birthday 2 weeks ago, and she didn't write me.

I am not voluntarily on the detachment board. Ideally I would like to be able to move to the "staying" board.

[Relentless]

My ex bday is on the 19th. She cut me out of her life in July. Her dad called the police on me for harassment (which was because of an email). I didn't contact her again until Veteran's day, then last month I sent a text and email those two days. No response or cop call. I have thought about her so much this month. It's terribly hurtful. I want to text her so badly and it's not even her birthday yet... . I don't think you should text her, just like I don't think I should text mine. Will I? Idk. In the messages I sent previous (Nov 11, and last month) I didn't say I love you or anything, just that I missed her and hoped she was ok. April was a great month for her and I last year. I'm trying so hard not to text her with "I love you just as much as I did this time last year... . (and then more probably)"

I'm really trying hard not to. What good will come of it either way for either of us? Seriously, what could happen positively from it? Negatively?

Good luck with it. I hope you'll think of the outcomes and possibilities, and then think on the likelihood of them.

You're not alone.

[Fool for Love]

No contact since Decemeber , moved in with replacment , told her to never contact you again ... .  No... . why would you want to open that door . If I understand you correctly you want to "repair" the relationship ? But if she is with someone else that's not fair to you or her . I know certain days are tough because of "special" days ... . But I think it would be a bad idea ... either she will not respond , simple thank you and never hear from her again or she might flip out . I think it would just hurt you more waiting for the reaction ... .

[willy45]

Yeah man. Don't do it. That is how I got sucked back in.

Have you read the staying board? What would you really prefer. Being on this board, being on the staying board or being on no board at all. Trust me. The no board at all is the best option.

I didn't post here when I broke up with my ex but I was certainly reading it all the time. After being NC for a while, I just kind of stopped. I would check it maybe once very month or so and especially if my ex was reaching out to me.

I'm in the same situation as you. I wish there would have been a different outcome... . but not really. I really wish I had never gotten back together with her. I wish she would just leave my mind. She sent me a happy birthday email. I sent her one back a month later. She then sent me email after email. I ignored. Texts. I ignored. And then I finally gave in and talked to her and now I am in whole new world of pain. Read my threads. They are not from the mind of a sound person. Prior to talking to her, I was good. Getting along. Living life. Now. Not at all. Square -1 million.

Don't do it.

[GuiltHaunted]

She has her own house, I don't think replacement moved in. I also don't even know if they are still together. I really don't know anything since my last conversation with her on 26th of December.

She sent me an xmas greeting pr. text (at 3 AM mind you), and I got confused and sent her a long e-mail, telling her I was still open for a relationship with her. She wrote me back immediately "call me, we have to talk about it". Then the first thing she said was "I thought everything was ok, for me it is". And then again me poring my emotions out, with her saying nothing. So in the end I told her not to send me greetings again, and infact never, ever, contact me again. So I don't wonder that she didn't send me a birthday greeting.

Fact is, that I didn't want to have NC with her.  I guess my request for NC, was a way of subconsciously punishing her. At best, I want to have contact with her everyday... . From when I open my eyes and see her lying next to me.

I did think of the options, if I text:

1) No reply

2) "what the heck, you told me never to contact me again - leave me alone" (her taking revenge for me asking for NC, we had a lot of such power games during the relationship)

3) "Thanks."

4) "Heey, thanks. Hope you are doing well"

5) "Good to hear from you, I was think a lot about you lately. Would you like to meet up sometime?"

In order of likelihood:

2, 3, 1, 4... . (5 is my fantasy world)

Edit: On second thought, either she holds a grudge or she doesn't:

2, 4, 3, 1

[GuiltHaunted]

... . and the most hurtful response would probably be no. 4. As her being ok with everything, is was shows the greatest level of detachment on her part.

[GuiltHaunted]

Willy45, I have read every single one of your post, and sympathize greatly with you. Your situation differs from my, as you left her, and you want to detach.

I don't want to, I am forced to do so by circumstances.

[Aussie0zborn]

Don't do it. That would be very foolish as you will lose months and months of healing. No matter how good your intentions are, you will see from other similar posts here that it always turns out bad for the non.  Protect yourself by keeping away from her.  Contacting her won't have a good outcome for you.

Making excuses as to why she didn't contact you on your birthday doesn't cut it here. We know what we're like and we know what they're like... . asking them not to contact you again doesn't mean they never will. She simply didn't feel the need to wish you a happy birthday but when she has a need for something that benefits her, she won't hesitate to contact you. That's just how it works with BPD and you can't change that.

Keep away.

[GuiltHaunted]

... . but when she has a need for something that benefits her, she won't hesitate to contact you.

You mean as when she 3-4 months out of the relationship write me: ":)o you know where my red folder is with diplomas and testimonials? I can't find it"

... . like I am her ___ing bf and know where she keeps her stuff.

[coolioqq]

GuiltHaunted, I understand how much the whole thing hurts.

My birthday was recently, during the NC phase, after I broke it off. She contacted me before and after birthday. She probably completely forgot about my birthday - that's how much she cares... . A few days after my birthday, I get a message from her questioning my love for her, calling me cruel and expressing bewilderment over my (perceived on her end) decision to move on and start dating again a month after breaking it off. Long story short, she could sum up her last message to me with "Who gives a f* about you? I am not getting anything I wanted from you. How do you even dare not be my slave?"

She didn't have the decency to remember and wish me a happy birthday, but she sure had to react about me possibly moving on. I have not moved on as she literally destroyed me, and I'm still gluing back together the pieces she left... . I did go back to the dating scene as a way to keep my mind on the detachment process. I am completely passive as I am not the kind of person to start anything until I fully detach emotionally. But she did take notice and that infuriated her.

Your case may be different though. So, it's up to you to decide what to do. But, she told me and showed me everything I needed to know... . Do you think she'd wish you a happy birthday without needing anything from you?

[AwakenedOne]

GuiltHaunted,

I was also let go by my uBPDstbxW of 4 years.  She was a big birthday celebration person as well as all holidays. I had the exact same thought as you are having right now when her birthday came around after the breakup. I understand completely. I feel for you man. I been there. I am glad I stopped myself though. I thought it out and determined this person doesn't give a crap about me really. They are happy with other people and things and have no use for me. Does yours really care? If not, let her have her life and what she cares about also. Let them wish her the happy birthdays. It's her loss.

It's time for us to have a healthy relationship with a person that really cares with very limited grief and much happiness.

I guess what we are trying to do at this point of considering birthday texting them is to create a bridge where there is contact and things might somehow get close again and get back together.

I am so glad I didn't contact her. My ex is the type that is so self centered it would have bothered her that I didn't acknowledge her birthday even though she tossed me in the garbage can. That is insane. We deserve better. Right?

My advice: Don't send the birthday text, go NC and be ready for the healthy girl that will make you happy that you will meet tomorrow or next year.

AO

[GuiltHaunted]

I'm sure she remembered my birthday. My birthday was not 2 weeks ago, but actually only 13 days, hence a date that is easy to remember and that she would be reminded of.   What reasons she had for not sending a greeting would be speculation only. But my last words to her on 26th of December were:

Her:

I don't know, I thought after all we been through in the spring (death of her father among other things), I would send you a greeting.

Me:

Yes, all we went though. You threw me out at a time in my life when I needed you the most, despite me supporting you through all you went through. You went behind my back and found someone else. Don't send me any messages again, don't contact me again. I don't want to her from you again, not in 1 month not in one year... .

Her:

I understand

Me:

... . I'm not finished, not in 2 years, not in 5 years

Her:

I UNDERSTAND

Me:

... . not in 10 years and not in 20 years.

Her:

I UNDERSTAND!

Me:

I'm not mad, but I have to do this for my own sake. I wish you well.

Her:

Bye.


So as you see, I was pretty harsh. I didn't know about BPD at the time. And I see what I did was potentially pretty hurtful.

[arielleis]

Short and sweet

No

I repeat, No. No

Don't give them any importance. They treated you like crap. All they diserve is you IGNORING them

[coolioqq]

I know where you are coming from. But, I did the same when I just went NC the cold turkey way. No explanations... . Did it hurt her? Probably yes, but nowhere near to the pain she caused me. And she didn't really give a damn about me (if you read her post-NC emails, voicemails, texts, you'd realize the same)... . They only care about themselves. BPD makes them into survivors. So, should I feel guilty for setting my boundaries against a person whom I so deeply love(d), and she did not even remember my birthday?

It's up to you, but I don't think that what you said was hurtful. Dramatic? Perhaps... . But, you are the one who is hurt. Hurtful? I don't think so. You have every right to enforce your boundaries, and vocalize it clearly... .

For what its worth, happy belated birthday to us both :-).

[myself]

GuiltHaunted, you did and said what you needed to, taking steps away from someone who had hurt you. The truth is often hard to hear, especially for pwBPD. Contacting her now would send a mixed message, along the lines of stay away/come closer. We all know how well that works out. I also went through this recently, it was her birthday and I felt to say something. But we're not together any more! She hurt me too much to stay with her! Her actions showed she's not really my friend! It's up to you to do what you feel is best for you. Sometimes that's saying something, sometimes it's forever holding your peace. I'd guess this affects you more than it does her. 

[GuiltHaunted]

Thanks for all the replies. And happy belated birthday to you too, coolioqq.

Despite my username, I don't feel guilt anymore. Not for, perhaps, hurting and triggering her abandonment issues, when requesting NC either. Neither do I care how it affects her, if I send a message. It may sound egoistical, but I care about myself. What impact it has on ME if I do.

myself, my position is pretty clear.

If she wants to share feelings with me: Come here!

If not: Go away.

Keeping contact with me, as an acquaintance, has absolutely no interest. That was what she did from the breakup last May until xmas. When inquiring her about how she felt about everything that happened, if she had no feelings at all etc, the only thing she said was: "You know me, I'm not made of stone". This is the ONLY emotional statement she made since I moved out. I have no further clues about her emotional life.

What I really am afraid of, is missing out on something. I mean: let's say in the last 3 months, that replacement didn't work out. And she really WOULD like to call me, but doesn't because of what I told her.

I guess, it doesn't matter it's her birthday. I am just using it as an excuse, because I really want to reach out (again, again), and that I hope something in her life changed to the point that she wants to see me again.

With that in mind, it really doesn't matter which day I reach out. If she would be open to communicate, it could be any day of the year. So, I guess what I have to ask myself is: Do I want to reach out at all?

[GuiltHaunted]

And as for the dramatic statement in my last conversation with her, it was because I was/am scared. Let's say she contacts me in 7 years, when I (hopefully) have forgot about this whole ordeal and am together with some else, perhaps married etc. I am scared what she could ___ up for me down the line... .

[coolioqq]

And as for the dramatic statement in my last conversation with her, it was because I was/am scared. Let's say she contacts me in 7 years, when I (hopefully) have forgot about this whole ordeal and am together with some else, perhaps married etc. I am scared what she could ___ up for me down the line... .

I have/had the same fears. My breakup is still so fresh. Six weeks of NC on my end - started abruptly on my end, but preceded with my gentlest handling of what she did to me ever. Others would walk away on the spot. She last contacted me a week ago. I am finally detaching now, and don't want her to contact me again. But she can and she probably will again... . We can't live in fear of being contacted again - that's the whole point... . Do you honestly think that what you told her in the end will stick, and whatever you said would make a difference in her decisions? In my case, I really don't think so... . As far as contact, she (I hope) split me black by now, especially because she thinks I moved on.

You know best what is true in your case and what she can bring up in your future. Try not to overwhelm yourself with anxiety over that. As much as it hurts, I don't think she will remember you 5 years from now, let alone longer. They go through more partners than underwear - I doubt they have enough mental capacity to remember it all :-).

[Fool for Love]

And as for the dramatic statement in my last conversation with her, it was because I was/am scared. Let's say she contacts me in 7 years, when I (hopefully) have forgot about this whole ordeal and am together with some else, perhaps married etc. I am scared what she could ___ up for me down the line... .

In a situation like that ... . People can only do to you ... . what you allow ... . So technically she can't messed anything up ... unless you allow it ... .

[willy45]

Hey Dude,

I understand how you feel. 100%. I did leave my ex but it was her behavior that drove me out. Otherwise, she was the perfect girl for me. So, in a way, yes, I am in a different boat and I want to just move on and have nothing to do with her. My greatest wish is that she occupy 0% of my mental energy. Of course I want that fantasy that is in my head. And really, the only thing that hasn't allowed me to really let that go is having her constantly contact me. It sets me back a few days after I ignore. I've been set back a month at least now because I talked to her. And absolutely, completely devastated. And I was in a place where I was perfectly fine with the idea of never, ever talking to her or hearing from her again. And that was fine with me.

I guess, what I'm saying is that I was further along in detaching and it still caused astronomical chaos in my life. Take my stories as a testament to how bad things can get for absolutely no reason. F. I was calling her to tell her I couldn't be friends with her and by the end I was telling that I love her and always will. What the heck. How can I love someone that I NEVER WANT TO TALK TO. It doesn't make sense. I guess I got caught up in all the guilt, manipulations, idealization, etc... . I'm susceptible to that and, even though I've done an enormous amount of work, I still am with her.

I don't mean to vilify those with BPD. But, it is really, really hard to deal with. We are humans. And we react to things. I know that I keep expecting there to be a sane person on the other side of the line and I'm just completely devastated and confused when there isn't. Just the same person. And then I am all of a sudden the insane one. Not worth going there.

So, don't text her. Even if you do want to get back together with her... . not texting her will intrigue her more and it will put you back into a position of power where you can be in control of your life, not her.

[corraline]

May sound flaky but what I decided to do to exercise healthy boundaries but to deal with MY NEED to say something significant to my ex is... . Say it out loud to him without real contact... .   or write it out in a letter.  I don't walk around having conversations with him all day but its what i am doing now when my urge is strong to say something significant and contact him. It almost feels like a release of sorts when i do cause If i sit and stew on the maybe i should or maybe i shouldn't then i get bent out of shape.  I kinda tell myself i am appealing to his and my higher self.  The strong urge to send that text , card, or phone call, or email seems to dissipate.  I know that if i really did reach out it would most likely be unproductive. Not certain at this point if this is particularly healthy but my T supports this rather than contacting him.

[GuiltHaunted]

About the future. I know that if I am truly indifferent in e.g. 7 years, hearing from her or not won't make a difference. But before joining bpdfamily I would be on other R/S websites (which is what lead me here). You would be surprised of the number of "my ex from 20 years back added me as a friend on Facebook, and things developed and I left my wife/husband and it turns out he/she wants nothing to do with me"-stories. Yes that scares the bejesus out of me. It's not like it is causing anxiety in my everyday life, but I just hope that if there is no way to reconcile, that I never hear from her again. So, in that way, we are at the same place, Willy45. I just didn't get to the point, where I got the hope out of my mind that it could work with this woman.

Thanks for all your replies, it kept me busy and now it's 10:15 PM here, so I guess too late to write her anything anyway. I just had a nice dinner and wine and will be watching a movie until this day has passed (is Silver Linings Playbook suitable?). I guess you will be hearing from me again in about a month, which is the 1 year anniversary from the breakup.

To you Willy45, thanks for all your posts in your own threads, they are helpful to read. And what happened in your case should be a suitable lesson for everyone else thinking contact may be a good thing.

[GuiltHaunted]

00:00 14th April... . No text. Happy New Year! 

[coolioqq]

00:00 14th April... . No text. Happy New Year! 

"Today is the day my life begins!" 

[corraline]