Can happy triggers be triggered – for us.

[AG]

Ok so yesterday i posted on BPD's having karma smack them in the face and them reaping what they sow. Im not the type of person that shuns away information. With that said someone said something to me that ive been thinking about. They said ":)rinking poison and expecting it to effect someone else is what holding on to anger does". Today im asking anyone to share if there are any triggers theyve created to induce happiness in themselves. Any techniques that any of u find effective. I know anger can be triggered but if thats the case then logically speaking the reverse must be possible. Please share any help is appreciated

[Mutt]

“Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”

― Gautama Buddha

I think the important message is "holding on to anger" "resentment"

Anger can be a mask for pain. I think the trigger would be to identify if it's healthy anger, or it's unhealthy anger.

Can you identify what kind of anger you are feeling?

Respecting our anger

[LettingGo14]

AG --

Thank you for your question.  Here are some things I have learned from others to reframe my thinking:

1. Write a gratitude list.   Be very specific about big and small things you are grateful for (examples: health, or a friend, or merely the tea in front of you... ).

2. When feeling an emotion, label the emotion, and then recognize that the emotion is shared by millions of others.  Pema Chodron, in her book When Things Fall Apart, says to imagine that breathe in the pain of others and breathe out relief to them.  (I highly recommend her book).  One thing I have learned at bpdfamily is that we all share so much in common, that we are not alone.   It helps to help others, and to receive help and compassion.

3. Bring yourself to the present moment.  I often get lost in replaying the past or predicting the future.  One thing I am "trying" to do is to bring myself consciously to the present moment.  How?  Noticing specifics in my specific environment (e.g, wow that's a cool painting) or doing only one thing at a time (e.g., when walking, walk... . don't think of anything other than the experience of walking).

Another book that has helped me is True Refuge by Tara Brach.

Hope those are helpful.

[AG]

Im not sure to be honest if its healthy or not but I want to not feel all this crap inside me anymore. To answer ur question its the kind of anger that wants her to feel the same maliciousness she does to people. Its the kind that wants everything to backfire and cause her to self reflect. The kind that makes all the things shes done to people flash back in her mind all at once and say wow what have I done. The kind that causes her to reap everything she sows. The kind that has her feeling the same energy output she dishes out. The kind that has her experiencing betrayal. The kind that has her experiencing caring for someone deeply and having them lie to her for theyre own purposes. The kind that has her confused and dazed and left saying what the heck just happened here. The kind that has her looking to do it to someone else againfor relief but none being around becuz she betrayed so many people. The kind that is poetic justice. The kind that has her saying to myself I will never do this to anyone again. The kind that is life changing. Thats the type of anger I have. Wanting her to get exactly what she outputs.

[Mutt]

AG,

It's still raw right now, has it been 4 months since your break-up?

[seeking balance]

Thats the type of anger I have. Wanting her to get exactly what she outputs.

My anger was this bad - there were some thoughts that went through my head that literally scared me that I could be that malicious.  I get it.

What I came to learn is this:  my anger was directly proportionate to my HURT... . that sucked, but it was true.

Happy triggers?  I let go of trying to be happy and focused on leaning into the pain - all of it.  My anger kept me connected to my ex and protected me from having to feel the pain, letting it go was super hard because I was not so sure if I went there (deep hurt) that I would ever come out again honestly. 

When the anger/hurt worked through I could have moments of peace, joy and gratitude - this is a process not some big event and I have not seen anyone find an "easy" button.

[AG]

AG,

It's still raw right now, has it been 4 months since your break-up?

Feb was the last recycle dont know if that counts as a break up or not i know she treated it as a relationship and went thru alot of troubld to convince me I was the one and she couldnt be without me . No rekindle of relationship the manipulation this time was she needed to get better which I totally brought cuz I actually cared deeply but the real reason was so she could mess around with other men and myself as well.

[Mutt]

Feb was the last recycle dont know if that counts as a break up or not i know she treated it as a relationship and went thru alot of troubld to convince me I was the one and she couldnt be without me . No rekindle of relationship the manipulation this time was she needed to get better which I totally brought cuz I actually cared deeply but the real reason was so she could mess around with other men and myself as well.

I can tell that you care deeply. I can tell that you are deeply hurt.

She was drinking heavy at the time and i expressed that I used to party hard to the point where I was out of control and could no longer go every day like I used to when I was younger being that I was older now and trying to not mess up with work. She started going consistently without me literally about 3 to 4 times per week and was getting wasted. I constantly asked her why do you have to get wasted its dangerous and Im worried about you.

I like enjoying a beer once in awhile. I used to party hard too when I was younger, I'm older now and I have different priorities.

Happy triggers?  I let go of trying to be happy and focused on leaning into the pain - all of it.  My anger kept me connected to my ex and protected me from having to feel the pain, letting it go was super hard because I was not so sure if I went there (deep hurt) that I would ever come out again honestly.

When the anger/hurt worked through I could have moments of peace, joy and gratitude - this is a process not some big event and I have not seen anyone find an "easy" button.

I agree with SB. There is no "easy" button, I was feeling a lot of pain the first few months of the break up. I leaned all the way in.

The break up with my ex was the most difficult period of my life, bar none.

I made the consicious decision to allow myself to feel the pain. I stayed away from bars and alcohol because I didn't want to get into trouble, delay my grieving, and really work through it. I knew that if I went through the pain that I would come out OK.

[Popcorn71]

Im not sure to be honest if its healthy or not but I want to not feel all this crap inside me anymore. To answer ur question its the kind of anger that wants her to feel the same maliciousness she does to people. Its the kind that wants everything to backfire and cause her to self reflect. The kind that makes all the things shes done to people flash back in her mind all at once and say wow what have I done. The kind that causes her to reap everything she sows. The kind that has her feeling the same energy output she dishes out. The kind that has her experiencing betrayal. The kind that has her experiencing caring for someone deeply and having them lie to her for theyre own purposes. The kind that has her confused and dazed and left saying what the heck just happened here. The kind that has her looking to do it to someone else againfor relief but none being around becuz she betrayed so many people. The kind that is poetic justice. The kind that has her saying to myself I will never do this to anyone again. The kind that is life changing. Thats the type of anger I have. Wanting her to get exactly what she outputs.

My thoughts exactly.  I am feeling this way too at the moment.

[GreenMango]

Dr Fred Luskin a psychologist from Stanford started the Forgiveness Project.  He has been doing research into the science of happiness.  He has some books and videos.  In one he talks about how happy or content people actively do things to be happy.  Practice kindness more, love more, smile more and in that practice comes happiness.  It'snot always the most Iintuitive or automatic thing to do and requires effort.  If you practice unhappiness then you will be unhappy.  He talks about how unhappy is easier and that many people aren't taught the skills to deal and self soothe when hurt.  It's about learning and practicing resilience and optimism after dealing with grief and that many people don't grieve or don't allow themselves to grieve the losses and to eventually forgive.

It helped me immensely to aim for optimism and to let things go.  Steeping in the anger after it was time to let it go was like when you steep tea too long it turns bitter.  

Have you grieved the relationship and the losses?

[Unleashed]

Ahh, for me the following is helpful:


Do all shopping and social, and kid stuff in a city next to ours (new environment= no connection to memories of abuse of my city)

Listen to foreign films, music, etc, very foreign stuff (evaluating much different lives gives us a frame of reference.

Study 3rd world matters in the news and history (BPD family members are about as un-happy as starving children, at least they have comaraderie and a soccer ball to kick around sometimes)

Use paint to change your home colors, environment.

Physical training.

Eat grand fresh cooked meals, with candles and classical music, even if just for me.

Find new friends, even if your old ones are still good. AND- use these new people to speak on topics other than BPD warfare. You will become an expendable friend if your only topics are the amygdala, brains, and axis II disorders.


So there is a list that works for me, do not expect perfection. Therapeutic efforts are actions of dilution of stress, it takes a while.