I left

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Welp, I did it.  I need to be strong and stay gone.  I came home from work and told him I was packing and going to a temporary spot until I get an apartment. Of course we couldn't have a conversation. He just screamed and yelled but I packed some stuff and left. Told him I'd call to come back for the rest. He's been calling and texting and I've responded a little but I'm done for the night. 

We both have off from work this Friday and his last text said to come home after work Thursday and we can talk. Yea right. If I do at, he'll have me just where he wants me ... . Feeling sorry for him and putting myself at the bottom of the list. 

Please tell me how to stay strong. I keep reminding myself of all his horrible behavior, including what happened this weekend that pushed me over the edge (if you're  interested it's my last Leaving post).  All I can think is ... . God, or someone, please give me strength.

[toomanyeggshells]

Welp, I did it.  I need to be strong and stay gone.  I came home from work and told him I was packing and going to a temporary spot until I get an apartment. Of course we couldn't have a conversation. He just screamed and yelled but I packed some stuff and left. Told him I'd call to come back for the rest. He's been calling and texting and I've responded a little but I'm done for the night. 

We both have off from work this Friday and his last text said to come home after work Thursday and we can talk. Yea right. If I do at, he'll have me just where he wants me ... . Feeling sorry for him and putting myself at the bottom of the list. 

Please tell me how to stay strong. I keep reminding myself of all his horrible behavior, including what happened this weekend that pushed me over the edge (if you're  interested it's my last Leaving post).  All I can think is ... . God, or someone, please give me strength.

[Mutt]

The yelling and screaming while your packing, is scary toomanyeggshells.

How are you feeling now, better?

Is there another way you could arrange to get your things, if your both not working? Can you send family members, friends or have them go with you?

I'm worried because of FOG, it's a difficult time for you.

We're here 24/7 for you, is there family and friends that can support you too?

[just_confused]

I am sorry it came to that, but I read you post, and can't say I blame you. Please be safe. You have our support here.

[toomanyeggshells]

The yelling and screaming while your packing, is scary toomanyeggshells.

How are you feeling now, better?

Is there another way you could arrange to get your things, if your both not working? Can you send family members, friends or have them go with you?

I'm worried because of FOG, it's a difficult time for you.

We're here 24/7 for you, is there family and friends that can support you too?

Thank you Mutt.  I appreciate every bit of support. I need it. I'm going to try to get someone to be there when I go back for the rest of my stuff.  I know it could turn really bad.

You're so right about the FOG. I know I'm doing the right thing but geez why is it so hard? Because of the FOG I guess.  I just need to stay strong and not let him reel me back in. That's what I'm worried about.

I'm going to sit down right now and start a list of the reasons I left. It will be long but

I think it will be helpful to keep me on track.

I am sorry it came to that, but I read you post, and can't say I blame you. Please be safe. You have our support here.

Thanks just confused. I appreciate your support.

[Mutt]

She left me. I found it hard because I became used to the push / pull cycle. I remember days that were calmer at home. I was at work on my break, feeling miserable, depressed, anxious.

I became used to it. I found that I became addicted to the emotional  ups and downs. I felt last like it was an addiction.

This will be a test for you, it's going to be emotionally exhausting. Find the strength inside, you will be OK. Don't listen to the plea's as heartbreaking as it is. Have someone with you for support, he may not want to show that Mr Hyde side, in front of others if he's high functioning.

Go NC, give it a few days for the FOG to start lifting, you will be OK.

[toomanyeggshells]

NC is definitely what I want. If he calls or texts, I'm going to text only and tell him not to contact me. I won't play the game, although if he calls on my work number I'm going to have to take it or  he's going to keep calling.  That's happened before.

I'm just sick to my stomach that I've let myself be put in this awful position. I'm already emotionally exhausted and it's only been 4 hours since I left. Hopefully it gets a little easier but I doubt it. I know it's going to take a long while.

[Mutt]

NC is definitely what I want. If he calls or texts, I'm going to text only and tell him not to contact me. I won't play the game, although if he calls on my work number I'm going to have to take it or  he's going to keep calling.  That's happened before.

I'm just sick to my stomach that I've let myself be put in this awful position. I'm already emotionally exhausted and it's only been 4 hours since I left. Hopefully it gets a little easier but I doubt it. I know it's going to take a long while.

Text and advise that you need to be alone, and will not answer communications. Is there a way that you can block him from work? I would tell him that you will contact police for harassment, follow through. He'll back off, and may throw a tantrum later.

Very important to follow through. Take care of yourself over the next few days, do what you can, I found that I was doing bare minimum to get through.

You will find that you will start to feel better in a few days, your thoughts will be more clear. If you're tempted to communicate him, keep yourself busy, go to a movie, shopping, dinner, anything, it will pass.

NC is crucial right now, take care of you!

[fromheeltoheal]

Yep, detaching can take a while, but the good news?  The hardest part is at the beginning, and it only gets easier.  Kind of like any addiction.  When I left her I felt an immediate sense of relief; got any of that?  Of course sadness, grieving, all the rest later, but relief initially.  Good for you TMES, I'm proud of you, and feel free to be proud of yourself, and as the fog clears a little you will find it easier to stay gone.  Good move reminding yourself of the horrible.  Take care of you!

[toomanyeggshells]

Text and advise that you need to be alone, and will not answer communications.

Excellent idea. Stop any communication before it starts.

Take care of yourself over the next few days, do what you can, I found that I was doing bare minimum to get through.

I'm gonna get back to running tomorrow after work. That will help a ton.

You will find that you will start to feel better in a few days, your thoughts will be more clear. If you're tempted to communicate him, keep yourself busy, go to a movie, shopping, dinner, anything, it will pass.

I will but I'm gonna do that by myself. I don't want to tell anyone that I left until I have a permanent place to live. That may take at least a few days.

take care of you!

Thank you 

Yep, detaching can take a while, but the good news?  The hardest part is at the beginning, and it only gets easier.  Kind of like any addiction.  When I left her I felt an immediate sense of relief; got any of that?  Of course sadness, grieving, all the rest later, but relief initially.  Good for you TMES, I'm proud of you, and feel free to be proud of yourself, and as the fog clears a little you will find it easier to stay gone.  Good move reminding yourself of the horrible.  Take care of you!

I do feel some sense of relief but I feel too much sadness and grieving - for what we were supposed to have together that we never did, not from the day we moved in together.

I do feel some sense of pride that I did something incredibly hard but I wish I could feel completely secure in continuing to move forward.  Like Mutt said, it has to be NC. I know in my heart anything less will compromise my decision.

Thank you so much for your support 

[Mutt]

Yep, detaching can take a while, but the good news?  The hardest part is at the beginning, and it only gets easier.

fromheeltoheal is right. This is the hardest part

Bravo toomanyeggshells  

I will but I'm gonna do that by myself. I don't want to tell anyone that I left until I have a permanent place to live. That may take at least a few days.

I needed my space. I stayed by myself for a week. I went to work and didn't want to see or talk to anyone. Do what works for you.

I do feel some sense of relief but I feel too much sadness and grieving - for what we were supposed to have together that we never did, not from the day we moved in together.

I'm truly sorry, this is difficult to accept, I understand. I was depressed the last couple of years w/ ex, so devastated that we could not make plans for the future, because we were locked in battles, all of the time.

You may not be ready for it now, but radical acceptance helped me to put the loss into perspective, and heal.

I do feel some sense of pride that I did something incredibly hard but I wish I could feel completely secure in continuing to move forward.  Like Mutt said, it has to be NC. I know in my heart anything less will compromise my decision.

It is bittersweet.

Boundaries (defend them) the texts, calls, emails may be tempting. Think of it as short term, you have done the hard work, as fromheeltoheal said, it gets easier from here. I tried leaving my ex a couple of times, it pulled at my heartstrings seeing her cry, I understand. I had to go NC after she left me, to heal. It's the only thing that works, for now.

We're proud of you toomanyeggshells.

Give yourself credit, you went through an emotionally difficult day. This was a hard day.

You made it through.  


Hang in there.


- Mutt  

[toomanyeggshells]

Give yourself credit, you went through an emotionally difficult day. This was a hard day.

And today feels harder already.  He texted me last night about getting together this weekend and "hashing things out" about bills and the house, etc.  I ignored the text and texted him first thing this morning saying I wanted no contact today.  Of course, he called right back.  I did answer and said that I can't talk to him today.  He was very calm and said again about me coming home tonight for the weekend to make decisions about where we go from here, about putting the house up for sale, etc. He also said I should let him know later today if I'm going to do that.  I didn't respond, I just hung up. 

There's no way I'm going back to the house this weekend to "hang out" with him.  If I do that, the same thing will happen like its happened before - I'll come back to try again.  Nope, can't do that.  I have to keep my resolve but its very hard.  All I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry but I'm at work so I can't do that. 

[NickM]

Toomanyeggshells,

I am 3 weeks since I ended my relationship with my exBPD. It has been incredibly difficult. I wanted to share with you my advice on what has helped me. First I will give you a timeline so you can understand what has transpired since the breakup and then I hope to share my advice and feelings which I help can help support you at this difficult time.

Here's a quick view of the timeline

Day 1 - Breakup - She threatened suicide, grabbed a knife from the kitchen, broke down,

Day 2 - Sent an obscene amount of abusive messages

Day 3 - Her Mum started sending abusive messages (never had an issue witht he Mum before) and death threats. Blocked their numbers and left a report at the local police station as I was concerned they would start showing up at my house.

Day 4 - Asked if we can talk it through, I had advised her I will only discuss if we have a professional mediator present

Day 5 - Contacted me on someone else's number wanting to explore my reasons for ending it. Although I explained it she wasn't really listening.

Day 8 - Sent me an email in a very sweet and "I can take care of myself" tone about being pregnant and having to go for abortion. The sonogram image doesn't have personal details and is of poor quality. Her email requested I didn't reply and I wanted to maintain NC so was happy not to. If I replied it would have been to ask for better evidence of the pregnancy

Day 10 - Contacted via our work chat system asking if I had seen the email. After knowing I had read it and didn't reply she got abusive and couldn't believe I didn't offer any support. I asked at that time for better evidence to which she refused to provide stating I didn't deserve it

Day 11 - Asked if we can talk face to face. I repeated that I would only do so if we had a mediator present. She got mad that I was ignoring her and refused to talk.

Day 11 - I almost gave in to the face to face request but instead I arranged a mediator and scheduled for a few days later

Day 15 - Mediated discussion went terrible, she ended up storming out. Still refused to provide better evidence of her pregnancy. The abortion was apparently the following day.

I haven't had contact since; Today is now Day 18.


Here is some thoughts from my experience which may help.


1) Stay NC - Despite the twisted messages you will get, where you will want to set the record straight, don't do it. They don't want clarity, they just want a reaction. Don't react. No matter how much the urge to help your ex better understand your reasons. If you really feel that need, write it down, hand written and consider posting it. Don't email, Don't text. Stay NC as much as possible. If you need to communicate, remain a stone.

2) Use this forum! - In my experience, my friends didn't quite get the gravity of my situation. Some would say "She must really love you if it is upsetting her so much, maybe you should try again". They mean well of course. But here you will find many people, with differing views and experience but with one hting in common... . BPD awareness.

Contemplate - How would I define a healthy relationship? What do I want in a relationship? What do I want in a partner? What can I learn from this experience? How can I avoid giving too much of myself again while still being the caring person I am? ... . Don't just think this... write it, review it and research it... . do you see these qualities in your friends relationships etc?

You have a right to leave the r/s - If relationships didn't hurt when they failed then being in one wouldn't be so important. So it's okay that it hurts; that's not a sign of leaving a good relationship, that is common in leaving any relationship. Don't let your exBPD convince you that you were wrong to leave or with time and effort it could be different. You haven't done anything wrong by leaving.

Know the hooks, see the tricks - Know what it is that triggers you to consider recycling, for me it was mostly empathy. Knowing that made me see very clearly how my exBPD knew exactly how to manipulate me and to fight off these manipulations post breakup. The pregnancy scam is a good example of this. I was able to defend myself because I knew why I get hooked... . trust me, your exBPD knows what hooks you better than you at this stage.

Get a really good book - your whole world is turned upside down and where you would normally be attached to your exBPD, now you are alone. Try and fill the gap constructively, buy a really good book (or two). I went out and partied and got drunk and flirted with girls etc... . I probably needed this in some ways but it added to my guilt, now I have turned to reading and exercise and I feel it is really helpful in detaching.


I hope this advice can help you, if it doesn't feel like it 'fits' for you than keep reading other posts. There are many really great contributors here and everyone will experience this differently. Noone is an expert on both BPD and you so you have to be willing to do some sifting.

Stay strong, maintain NC and come back here as often as you need.

[Lucky Jim]

There's no way I'm going back to the house this weekend to "hang out" with him.  If I do that, the same thing will happen like its happened before - I'll come back to try again.  Nope, can't do that.  I have to keep my resolve but its very hard.  All I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry but I'm at work so I can't do that.

I like what you're saying, TME.  You don't need to decide all of those things right away and your Ex, in my view, is using the "obligation" part of FOG to draw you back in.  Keep your distance for now.  That other stuff can wait, in my view.

It may sounds trite but the first step is the hardest.  There's a Zen Koan to the effect of how does the snail climb Mt. Fuji?  Slowly, slowly.  So just stay on your course.

I've been in your shoes and understand how raw one's emotions are at the time of the initial break.  I felt like I was in outer space for a while, so try to go easy on yourself, knowing that you are heading down a much healthier path that leads to greater peace and happiness.

Hang in there,

LuckyJim

[toomanyeggshells]

Here is some thoughts from my experience which may help.

1) Stay NC - Despite the twisted messages you will get, where you will want to set the record straight, don't do it. They don't want clarity, they just want a reaction. Don't react. No matter how much the urge to help your ex better understand your reasons. If you really feel that need, write it down, hand written and consider posting it. Don't email, Don't text. Stay NC as much as possible. If you need to communicate, remain a stone.

2) Use this forum! - In my experience, my friends didn't quite get the gravity of my situation. Some would say "She must really love you if it is upsetting her so much, maybe you should try again". They mean well of course. But here you will find many people, with differing views and experience but with one hting in common... . BPD awareness.

Contemplate - How would I define a healthy relationship? What do I want in a relationship? What do I want in a partner? What can I learn from this experience? How can I avoid giving too much of myself again while still being the caring person I am? ... . Don't just think this... write it, review it and research it... . do you see these qualities in your friends relationships etc?

You have a right to leave the r/s - If relationships didn't hurt when they failed then being in one wouldn't be so important. So it's okay that it hurts; that's not a sign of leaving a good relationship, that is common in leaving any relationship. Don't let your exBPD convince you that you were wrong to leave or with time and effort it could be different. You haven't done anything wrong by leaving.

Know the hooks, see the tricks - Know what it is that triggers you to consider recycling, for me it was mostly empathy. Knowing that made me see very clearly how my exBPD knew exactly how to manipulate me and to fight off these manipulations post breakup. The pregnancy scam is a good example of this. I was able to defend myself because I knew why I get hooked... . trust me, your exBPD knows what hooks you better than you at this stage.

Get a really good book - your whole world is turned upside down and where you would normally be attached to your exBPD, now you are alone. Try and fill the gap constructively, buy a really good book (or two). I went out and partied and got drunk and flirted with girls etc... . I probably needed this in some ways but it added to my guilt, now I have turned to reading and exercise and I feel it is really helpful in detaching.

Thank you NickM for this advice.  Its extremely helpful. I'm going to keep re-reading it so it sinks in. 

Empathy is also my main trigger for going back to him previously.  I feel bad for him.  Its not the first time he's been left.  Too bad he can't figure out that he needs help, certainly more help than I could ever give him.  Last night I made a list of all the things he's done in the last 4-1/2 years of us living together.  I didn't even have to think too hard and there's over 50 things on the list.  I have to keep re-reading that also.  That helps alot to have his horrible behavior in the forefront of my mind. 

I like what you're saying, TME.  You don't need to decide all of those things right away and your Ex, in my view, is using the "obligation" part of FOG to draw you back in.  Keep your distance for now.  That other stuff can wait, in my view.

I like your view  and agree with you.  He's definitely trying to draw me back in talking about the house and our joint bills.  He knows if I go back, even for an hour, he'll be on his best behavior, apologize profusely and I'll feel bad for him and stay.  Its happened before. 

It may sounds trite but the first step is the hardest.  There's a Zen Koan to the effect of how does the snail climb Mt. Fuji?  Slowly, slowly.  So just stay on your course.

It doesn't sound trite at all.  Its what everyone here has been telling me and I believe it.  This is so much harder than I thought it would be since I'm so angry and disgusted with him.  I didn't think it would be quite this hard. 

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey TMES-

Something that helped me when leaving was to make plans to do something else, otherwise I'd just sit around ruminating.  It was the difference between fighting with myself to stay away from her and focusing on something else, the difference between moving away from something and moving towards something else.

Right after I left her I went to Vegas for a few days, just what I needed since the overstimulation of that place made it impossible to think of her and I had a bunch of fun.  And then a few weeks later I went to a beach town near me and spent time with the surfers and the beach vibe.  Those might not be your things, but you get the point; distraction can work wonders initially, as the fog clears, emotions cool, and you get busy with processing and detaching.

Take care of you!

[Mutt]

Empathy is also my main trigger for going back to him previously.  I feel bad for him.  Its not the first time he's been left.  Too bad he can't figure out that he needs help, certainly more help than I could ever give him.

I have empathy for my wife.

This is a serious disorder TME.

No amount of love or compassion that we show them cures or makes the disorder go away. We are not above the disorder

The best way that I have figured out for her to get help, is to let her go. I remove myself from being an enabler. Once her network of enablers vanishes, hopefully then she will hit her rock bottom and seek help. Tough love.

I need to have someone that respects me for my kindness, morals, values. She is not the one.

Keep reminding yourself, this is a serious disorder.


Hang in there.

- Mutt 

[fromheeltoheal]

Empathy is also my main trigger for going back to him previously.  I feel bad for him.  Its not the first time he's been left.  Too bad he can't figure out that he needs help, certainly more help than I could ever give him.

Yep, and that was also a blatant example of her defensive coping mechanisms; I left her, one of many, many to have left her, and she immediately got busy making the demise of the relationship all my fault, something just wasn't 'there' for her, more devaluations, all to make herself feel better.  It's everyone else, she's perfect, she has to be or she'll implode.

And then I needed to look at my tendency to put other people's needs first, at the expense of my own.  Very good training ground actually, since a borderline will take and take until our lives are completely destroyed, and then make it our fault.  Plenty of folks try that crap to a lesser extent, and somehow it doesn't affect me anywhere near as much anymore, done my time in hell and I learned.

[toomanyeggshells]

And then I needed to look at my tendency to put other people's needs first, at the expense of my own.  Very good training ground actually, since a borderline will take and take until our lives are completely destroyed, and then make it our fault. 

That's exactly what I've done, put his needs above mine.  Trying and trying to "make him happy" which is, of course, impossible and not leaving because I felt bad for him.  I posted something on here I think (not sure which board) about finally realizing that I was putting his needs before my own.  I have no problem doing things for people, helping out, etc. but I never get anything in return from him.  Other people are appreciative or reciprocate, but he's just unable to understand that. 

[Mutt]

That's exactly what I've done, put his needs above mine.  Trying and trying to "make him happy" which is, of course, impossible and not leaving because I felt bad for him.  I posted something on here I think (not sure which board) about finally realizing that I was putting his needs before my own.  I have no problem doing things for people, helping out, etc. but I never get anything in return from him.  Other people are appreciative or reciprocate, but he's just unable to understand that.  

He's unable to understand, because he has a mental illness.

Who knows, maybe this will be the catalyst for him to hit his rock bottom and get help. It's not for you to worry about. You have your things to worry about.

You are a kind, compassionate, loving woman.

Isn't it time you took care of you?

[toomanyeggshells]

He's unable to understand, because he has a mental illness.

I've been telling myself that for almost 4 years.  However, its certainly not an excuse for him to treat me the way he has. 

Who knows, maybe this will be the catalyst for him to hit his rock bottom and get help. It's not for you to worry about. You have your things to worry about.

I hope so, but I know I have no control over that. 

I just want to say thank you ALL so much for all your kind words to this point.  I don't know how I would have made it through the last 24 hours without all of you.