Tears, mine not hers.

[grover11]

I was at my brothers last night after he took me to buy some storage bins for my upcoming escape (thats the way I'm looking at it) and was talking with him and my sister in law about whats been going on and my feelings of guilt and how beaten down i feel. Well I started crying like a baby, tears and all. This hasn't happened before as far as the situation goes but it just seemed overwhelming while i was talking about it.

My family is very supportive and they only want me to be healthy and happy (I'm the baby) they are protective even at this age, I feel blessed that I have them as I know I will need to lean on them for alot of support in the days to come, My lease starts May 1st and that will be here real soon.

[Mutt]

You were together for 24 years, that's a long history. It probably feels surreal that you're getting your own place. The reality of the relationship ending is emotionally difficult. Leaning on family and supportive people is a good idea. Hang in there.

[babyducks]

Hi Grover,

I think feelings of guilt are pretty normal considering the circumstances you are in.    As Mutt said the reality of ending a relationship is emotionally difficult.  I found ending my relationship with my EX probably the hardest thing I ever did.

Feelings can't go forever being shutdown.   They eventually pop out somewhere.  Breaking down with your brother and sister in law is very natural.   

I am going to guess that like many of us, you kept the peace in your family by pushing yourself to give more and more.   

I have a vivid memory of being sick and exhausted but my EX hated to sleep alone so rather than move to the spare bed and get the rest I needed to feel better, I put her needs first and ignored my own.

I did that a lot.

Until I finally reached the point of being so spent, and so exhausted that I felt hollow.   Some one here once wrote, talking about their own situation " I wasn't in a relationship I was in a needs entitlement war".  And boy could I relate.

When I stood up for what I wanted and what I needed things flew apart.  Expressing any need that didn't match up to my pwBPD's needs was very threatening to her.   It seemed to be a contest.

Be good to yourself.   It is okay to put yourself first.   Go slow.   And give yourself the compassion that you would give to anyone else.

'ducks