I was never considered by my family.

[Louise7777]

Hi guys.

After coming out of the fog and learning more and more I have realized some disturbing things.

Let me back up a little. My parents are not PDs disputable, this is a matter for another post). Other relatives are uBPD/ NPDs. This created lots of chaos, fights, rages, dividing the family to conquer, etc. So I grew up in that environment.

When I was born, the "circus" was already set and my role was given to me. I was the kind, obedient child, great grades at school. But I dont remember people coming to me and really GETTING INTERESTED in me, in my ideas or feelings. I think I was a depressed child, I remember being around 4 or 5 and crying for no reason on my mom´s lap. To this day I dont know what happened, but I felt so sad... . Im an only child and was never beaten... . But I guess I sensed something was wrong?

I guess most of my relatives were too self-centered or busy watching out for the uPDs. So there was little interest and energy for a kid who seemingly was doing well. Instead the focus was on 50 yo´s who had problems, raged and created chaos at every given opportunity.

Today, I feel that they dont know me. I feel the stranger in this family. I cut contact and Im basically available once a year on a family gathering. Last one was some weeks ago and nobody asked me a "how are you doing, hows life?". I didnt ask them either, apart from asking a loving relative, because Im too drained to interact with them.

Funny to realize that only now I see this, I had no clue how uncaring/ unempathetic they were towards me as a child.

Its sad that we cant have a meaningfull conversation (not even a shallow one anymore) cause they only talk about themselves and I refuse to be their therapist anymore.

Is this common? Do you also feel a stranger? That nobody cares about you, nobody knows anything about your inner self and you have no support from them whatesoever?

Its very bizarre, I sat there and stared at them, they looked like aliens to me, from outer space... . We have nothing in common!

[Cumulus]

Its very bizarre, I sat there and stared at them, they looked like aliens to me, from outer space... . We have nothing in common!

Hi Louise, this is such a hard thing to feel. To feel that no one knows you or even cares about knowing you. I wasn't sure from your post how the gathering was related to you, cousins, aunts, uncles or closer, siblings and parents. The old adage that we don't pick our relatives but we can pick our friends is also true in my life. I no longer expect interest, love, sharing and caring with most members of my family. I have some who I trust and share with and with the others I talk about the weather. I find it a great barometer  of how close my relationship is to someone else. If I talk about how I am and they listen with interest and then I  listen with interest about how they are, we have potential for a deep and meaningful relationship. If we talk about the weather our relationship is superficial. I would say I am fortunate enough to have five to ten of the deep relationship people in my life. And that keeps me busy, deep relationships take time and a lot of effort. I think some people in our life, even close family, are just our weather people and that's OK. Find the ones who matter to you and in turn you matter to them. Put your time and energy and love into those people.

[Louise7777]

Cumulus, thank you for your words.

The family gathering (aunt´s bday) included her friends, another aunt and a cousin. My mom and me. The family is small, they emigrated from another country, so we are few and despite of that, always "at war". (Aunt is waif/ queen uBPD, cousin is uBPD/ HPD).

This was just more of the same, but I hadnt paied attention before: the lack lack of interest for me. Im an adult and I dont want to sound like a victim, I dont keep in touch with them, Im NC/ VLC, but its just a realization of a pattern that was unknown to me.

I guess we were always so busy caring/ paying attention to the chaos/ havoc the PDs created that we didnt even notice how invisible we were. And that reflects in our lives today: we dont address our feelings or needs, cause we are used to going unnoticed.

You are right, Im aware we cant expect anything from them, neither attention care or validation. The validation has to come within ourselves.

I cut off some of my friendships cause I had the same pattern: I was a good listener and was always there for them, but there was no vice-versa. So, growing up in a dysfunctional environment makes you believe the abnormal is normal.

You are right about the superficial talk... . I do that if there´s no other way. I resent their behaviour so honestly, I dont even want to look at them. Its not only indiference, but malevolant or contemptous remarks. I really dont want to engage in any kind of interaction cause they always try to show off to put me down... . Its very weird and Im surprised I didnt see the whole truth long ago.

[seeking balance]

Louise,

I understand how you feel - it creates a "not worthy" core feeling.

The realization (aha) you are having is big, and this must be grieved in order to heal.  Anger is a part of grief, I remember being quite angry at my FOO when I realized the patterns and how real they were in contributing to the lost, boundaryless person I found myself being.  I also remember when I had to reexamine friendships.

This is all big stuff you are healing - are you also working with a T in this?

Peace,

SB

[Louise7777]

Thank you, Seeking balance.

No, Im not in therapy. I was briefly years ago, when I had a major depression.  I cant afford it right now and I have other priorities. Yeap, mental health or inner peace is a priority, but Im dealing with it in the way I can: no contact. Maybe I had/ have PTSD or something similar.

Although I know its mostly for me, and my healing, I have mixed feelings on doing therapy because of the effects THEY caused on me. It may sound strange, but I put so much effort and energy on them that I just want to cut off completely and put the resources on me: my house, vacation, etc.

But in the future I will get therapy for sure. In my country, if there was free therapy or even in my insurance plan Id go right now.

I believe I had anger and resentment towards them and now I really detached... . Dont know how that happened, I guess just by being physically far and NC I feel better already. Thank you for caring.

[Ihope2]

Hi Louise7777,

Perhaps a lot of us who have been involved in relationships with PD people can relate to this.  I know I certainly can.  Childhood emotional neglect.

It has such a profound effect on us as children and on how we become as adults.  And yet it is really such an unseen phenomenon.

We had parents and family, we had interactions, perhaps we lived quite adequately from a material point of view, in a nice home with food etc.

BUT:  we were neglected emotionally.  No interest or time or energy on the part of our parents/caregivers to invest in us as children.

We were just expected to go to school, be good kids and literally grow up all on our own steam. 

Our parents/family were too busy being self-absorbed and pre-occupied with other things to be able to nurture us and encourage us and mentor and guide us to adulthood.  They delegated those tasks to our teachers at school and others. Or maybe they just expected us to stay in our rooms and grow up all by ourselves (I certainly felt that way).

All my teen and adult years, I have had this "heavy" feeling about me.  I always wondered what was "wrong" with me.  Especially when I compared myself to some of my peers.  I was never a happy person. Something was always weighing me down. I always felt so duty-bound towards others.  So self-effacing and putting myself last in the line.  I couldn't laugh and be silly and simply have spontaneous fun. Not me, I was too busy bearing the weight of the world on my shoulders!

Only in my forties, after some failed dysfunctional romantic relationships with damaged men, did I start realising that I was repeating patterns laid down in my FOO... . And only now, after my very painful and failed marriage of 11 months to a very damaged and abused man with BPD, do I finally realise  that I have been sabotaging myself all this time by following my co-dependent life script of "rescuer", because I so desperately need validation and love.  I tend to seek it with emotionally self-absorbed men, thereby replicating those self-same emotional neglect dynamics that were at play in my FOO.

Self-realisation must be the key to change.  We need to heal the hurt and neglected inner child and almost re-parent ourselves and love ourselves the way we needed to be loved as children.  And we need to get out of the "stuckness" of living in our past.  I have been well and truly stuck all these years.

This is what that "heavy" feeling inside of me, that unexplained sadness was all about all these years... .

[Louise7777]

Thank you for your words, Ihope2. Im sorry that you went through that too.

You are right, we had material things, clothes, food, etc... . But we were neglected somehow. It is what it is, I dont blame my parents, maybe they didnt know any better (my mom is still in some sort of denial regarding her uBPD/ NPD sister). But I definetly was a sad and depressed kid.

Dont know if this hits something with you, but my parents and grandparents went through a lot as kids (poverty, war, etc), so they didnt care for pshycological well-being, they were too busy earling a living in a foreign country and they were sucessfull in that. So I guess the mental health was taken for granted and the results are still there for us... .

Like you, only now Im realizing the extent of damage that was done. Speaking about me, rationally I get it, but Im not sure Ill make better choices in the future... . Im afraid I just wont see the traps... .

[Ihope2]

Yes, Louise7777, my parents were both war babies.  My mother was born in the former East Germany in 1945, my biological father was born into an ethnic German minority group in then German occupied territory in the now Czech Republic.  They were dispossessed after World War II and were refugees that had to flee to Germany!

I totally agree, they grew up into very harsh and poor post-war conditions, and in a legacy of shame to be German after Hitler's demise and the horrors of the Haulocast.   Their parents went through unbearable struggles just to stay safe and stay alive and find enough food to eat and shelter to protect the family.  Emotions were not expressed or dealt with.  If a bomb fell in your neighbourhood, what use was it to cry about it?  Who else had the energy and peace of mind to comfort another?  It was a dire time.   This legacy carries through to the next generations, until it hopefully peters out after X amount of generations.

In my forties now, I am but one generation away from the horrible time of WWII and my parents were directly affected by it.  It was bound to inform how they became as young adults and parents.

This thought is helping me to work through things and let it all go one day... .