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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Posts: 53
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« on: May 05, 2014, 02:27:45 PM » |
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It's just one of those days where I am feeling embattled and exhausted. I'm now nearly 5 months from the breakup with my exBPDgf, with a few weeks of recycling thrown in about a month or so ago. I must say that overall I've been doing well, focusing on myself, moving forward, the next chapter of my life... . I don't feel the profound sadness that I once did, nor do I entertain any thoughts of getting back together with her. The last recycle, as difficult as it was, put the punctuation mark on the end of our relationship sentence, or paragraph (or book), as the case may be.
That said, I can't help but feel, along with definite prolonged periods of relief and optimism about my future, an emotional and physical sense of exhaustion. I don't know any other word to describe it other than embattled. We're still not through with lawyers sorting out (what should have been) straight-forward financial issues. Perhaps that's it. But I think it's more than that.
Maybe it's just the cumulative effects of the last six years of gas lighting, distortions, lies, and more distortions, not to mention healthy amounts of devaluing, her alcohol abuse, threatening to leave whenever she didn't get her way, rages, and then just to make it interesting, projections that even had me - whose normally very clear headed - believing them. I was certainly no saint at various points, though I'm much better at not beating myself up too much. Still, I'm wondering if others have felt this way. Just plain exhausted, sometimes on the verge of tears, not from the pain, but from the toll this has taken on me.
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