Really Hurts to be Demonized by Him

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I am really struggling with this.  I do regret how I handled this last break up.  I've apologized more than once.  I did "snap" and say some terrible things.  However he "snapped" and said terrible things to me many many times.  Including this last break up.  (Which he has not apologized for.)  Beyond that I do understand that how we got to the point of break up had less to do with me and more to do with his BPD.  I really get that.  What's making me nuts is he has completely demonized me (painted me black) and made it "all my fault".  I understand that a big part of it is how he "justifies" breaking up with me again.  I failed him.  I couldn't give him what he "needed".  I'm a "selfish b___".  But he is so angry at me.  He really hates me.  He has told me in no uncertain terms that he never wants anything to do with me again.  Told me to stop "engaging" with him.  (Which I did exactly twice.  Asking that we not leave it like this.)  That I only frustrate him and make him be an "a$$hole" which only gives me more "ammunition" against him.

I get it needs to be over.  I really really really do.  I know I need to let go and grieve and get through it and move on.  But I can't stand this.  I can't stand him feeling so angry and hateful towards me.  I don't even care that he doesn't understand how I feel anymore.  (That was a big issue for me last time around.)  He's not going to.  He's not capable of it.  I get it.  I know I'm also feeling very hurt and betrayed because I invested so much into this relationship.  Spent so much time trying to understand him and BPD and loved him in spite of it.  Which he wrote off as "admirable".  Ouch.  And I am feeling very "done" with this.  With him.  With this whole mess. 

I know a big part of this is I feel too much responsibility for his feelings.  My Therapist showed me that.  But it is so much more than that.  Maybe I want him to take some responsibility for his feelings?  Maybe I want him to realize that he "did it again"?  I honestly don't know.  I really don't.  I don't think so.  I just can't deal with him hating me.  Why does that matter so much to me?  Why can't I just let go of that piece?  There are people in his life who have called him on his behaviors that he has painted black for life.  I can't handle being one of them.  I just can't.  Why?  It's a BPD coping strategy.  I know that. 

I need help letting go of this.  It's torturing me and making me crazy. 

[Emelie Emelie]

I am really struggling with this.  I do regret how I handled this last break up.  I've apologized more than once.  I did "snap" and say some terrible things.  However he "snapped" and said terrible things to me many many times.  Including this last break up.  (Which he has not apologized for.)  Beyond that I do understand that how we got to the point of break up had less to do with me and more to do with his BPD.  I really get that.  What's making me nuts is he has completely demonized me (painted me black) and made it "all my fault".  I understand that a big part of it is how he "justifies" breaking up with me again.  I failed him.  I couldn't give him what he "needed".  I'm a "selfish b___".  But he is so angry at me.  He really hates me.  He has told me in no uncertain terms that he never wants anything to do with me again.  Told me to stop "engaging" with him.  (Which I did exactly twice.  Asking that we not leave it like this.)  That I only frustrate him and make him be an "a$$hole" which only gives me more "ammunition" against him.

I get it needs to be over.  I really really really do.  I know I need to let go and grieve and get through it and move on.  But I can't stand this.  I can't stand him feeling so angry and hateful towards me.  I don't even care that he doesn't understand how I feel anymore.  (That was a big issue for me last time around.)  He's not going to.  He's not capable of it.  I get it.  I know I'm also feeling very hurt and betrayed because I invested so much into this relationship.  Spent so much time trying to understand him and BPD and loved him in spite of it.  Which he wrote off as "admirable".  Ouch.  And I am feeling very "done" with this.  With him.  With this whole mess. 

I know a big part of this is I feel too much responsibility for his feelings.  My Therapist showed me that.  But it is so much more than that.  Maybe I want him to take some responsibility for his feelings?  Maybe I want him to realize that he "did it again"?  I honestly don't know.  I really don't.  I don't think so.  I just can't deal with him hating me.  Why does that matter so much to me?  Why can't I just let go of that piece?  There are people in his life who have called him on his behaviors that he has painted black for life.  I can't handle being one of them.  I just can't.  Why?  It's a BPD coping strategy.  I know that. 

I need help letting go of this.  It's torturing me and making me crazy. 

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

I am really struggling with this.  I do regret how I handled this last break up.  I've apologized more than once.  I did "snap" and say some terrible things.  However he "snapped" and said terrible things to me many many times.  Including this last break up.  (Which he has not apologized for.)  Beyond that I do understand that how we got to the point of break up had less to do with me and more to do with his BPD.  I really get that.  What's making me nuts is he has completely demonized me (painted me black) and made it "all my fault".  I understand that a big part of it is how he "justifies" breaking up with me again.  I failed him.  I couldn't give him what he "needed".  I'm a "selfish b___".  But he is so angry at me.  He really hates me.  He has told me in no uncertain terms that he never wants anything to do with me again.  Told me to stop "engaging" with him.  (Which I did exactly twice.  Asking that we not leave it like this.)  That I only frustrate him and make him be an "a$$hole" which only gives me more "ammunition" against him.

I get it needs to be over.  I really really really do.  I know I need to let go and grieve and get through it and move on.  But I can't stand this.  I can't stand him feeling so angry and hateful towards me.  I don't even care that he doesn't understand how I feel anymore.  (That was a big issue for me last time around.)  He's not going to.  He's not capable of it.  I get it.  I know I'm also feeling very hurt and betrayed because I invested so much into this relationship.  Spent so much time trying to understand him and BPD and loved him in spite of it.  Which he wrote off as "admirable".  Ouch.  And I am feeling very "done" with this.  With him.  With this whole mess. 

I know a big part of this is I feel too much responsibility for his feelings.  My Therapist showed me that.  But it is so much more than that.  Maybe I want him to take some responsibility for his feelings?  Maybe I want him to realize that he "did it again"?  I honestly don't know.  I really don't.  I don't think so.  I just can't deal with him hating me.  Why does that matter so much to me?  Why can't I just let go of that piece?  There are people in his life who have called him on his behaviors that he has painted black for life.  I can't handle being one of them.  I just can't.  Why?  It's a BPD coping strategy.  I know that. 

I need help letting go of this.  It's torturing me and making me crazy. 

No NO NO NONNONONONONONONNO

! pretty lady. Just no.

It wasn't like this so much with the last... . all though I'm sure it would have been had I stayed much longer.

But with my last BPD she did this... she called me every name in the book HUNDREDS of times... physical/verbal/

emotional you name it... HORRID abuse. if I snapped once... (once to her 300 times seriously) she would literally

paint me black and guilt me.

You know what she was doing? ? Playing off of my big heart... she KNEW I would feel awful, because

they know we are good people. Do you think HE feels awful? No. And I guarantee what you did

does not even compare to the crap he put you through! So SCREW THAT.

He does not deserve your many apologies... people like us have a problem with caring too much what

other people think of us... especially those who give a crap about us.

I know for me... its like reliving my parental rejection over and over and over. Forgive yourself.

You don't need his forgiveness... It matters what you think of yourself... not what he thinks.

So if he accepted your apology you would then be able to forgive yourself?

One who has BPD? You would trust his forgiveness and judgment over your own?

If so... really challenge that idea.  Remember he ahs the emotional maturity of a 2 yr old.

[LettingGo14]

I need help letting go of this.  It's torturing me and making me crazy. 

"Nothing ever leaves us until it teaches us what we need to know." (Pema Chodron)

I know exactly how you feel Emelie Emelie.   And, I taped that quote to my mirror for a long time.   Because I wanted to let go, and stop torturing myself.  Here are some thoughts for you:

1. We control only ourselves.  Period.  I spent a long time looking for affirmation outside of myself.  I got it sometimes, but suffered in agony when it was withdrawn, and especially when I was blamed for its withdrawal.   There is tremendous power within each of us to take control of our thoughts and emotions but requires patience and self-kindness and deep motivation.  I have used CBT, meditation, and REBT to retrain my brain.  Moment to moment struggles, day after day.

2.  We can welcome our suffering.  You might ask, why?   I tell myself now that I am glad I am suffering this pain because it stripped me to my core.   I am more open to other people now.  More accepting of challenges.  More open to accepting life on its terms.   I think it has taught me we're all stronger than we give ourselves credit for.

3.  We can accept loss.   Life changes.  People move in and out, we age, we face challenges.  We ultimately die.   This is not being morbid.  This is accepting grief, and processing it.   We can't always make things better.  There's line from a poem I like that says, "He understands that life has limits, that people die young, fail at love, fail of their ambitions... . "  The point is not to be depressed.  The point is that we're not always in control.

Be good to yourself.  Give yourself a break.  You are helping a lot of people by facing your situation so honestly.

[cosmonaut]

I'm really sorry you are struggling with all of this, Emelie.  :'(  If it helps at all to know you are not alone, we are all dealing with somewhat similar struggles, or at least we all were at one point.  I still am more than not.  It is extremely hard to deal with.  It is not an understatement that these relationships (and breakups) can be traumatic.  It's very natural to feel all sorts of intense emotions right now: hurt, rejected, panicked, depressed, hopeless, angry, deceived, manipulated, and even betrayed.  This was not a normal relationship, and it is not a normal break up.  Allow yourself to be struggling with everything.  It takes time to process all of these emotions.

It is normal to have regrets.  I do too.  None of us are perfect and we all make mistakes in relationships.  We must remember, however, that we were in fundamentally dysfunctional relationships.  We can accept our part of this, but we must also acknowledge that many of the problems were truly the result of our partner.  There were many things that were simply beyond our control.  To be honest, no matter what you did or didn't do, the relationship was poised for a fall regardless.  The push/pull of engulfment and abandonment had it written in the script from the start.  It is tragic, but it is not your fault.  It is the disorder doing what the disorder does.

You can't be responsible for your ex's feelings nor for his welfare or recovery.  You can't make him care about himself if he doesn't.  It is, unfortunately, something that is beyond your ability to control.  It is like trying to be responsible for the weather.  You can be a support, of course, but that is also only if your ex is willing to accept that - and many of our exes simply aren't.  I know it sucks, but this is just the way it is.  We can't save people who don't want to be saved.  Pray for your ex - that is the best thing you can do for him now.

I understand about how much it hurts to be hated and rejected by someone we love.  It is, by far, the worst pain I have ever experienced.  It broke my heart.  Please try not to take things to heart, though, Emelie.  You know that this is splitting at work.  It is a profoundly self-destructive coping mechanism and it causes immense suffering for everyone.  It is one of the most destructive aspects of BPD.  Your ex isn't doing this because you are a bad person or because you did anything wrong.  He is doing it to protect himself because he got TOO close to you.  He let you in TOO far.  He loved you TOO much.  And it terrified him.  The thought of losing you was beyond overwhelming.  So, he split you.  I know it is devastating to have this person who loved and adored you, now hate and ignore you.  Please just remember that it is not your fault and you did not cause it.

Keep posting and let us know how you are doing.  It's good to get this stuff out.  We're here for you.  

[corraline]

Sometimes the serenity prayer helps me with this one.

I really have no control over what my ex thinks feels or does. I have to accept the fact that i cannot change this, but i ask for courage to change the things that I can.  That is  " myself"

[butterfly escape]

Emelie,  I'm new here, but I feel your pain.  It is so hard, almost impossible, to come to terms with the fact that our partners simply cannot process emotions the way that we do.  Yet, we are so conditioned to want a "happy ending", or at least a peaceful one, that the urge to make things right is almost overwhelming.  For me, a large part of the grief continues to be coming to terms with this, and knowing that for the rest of my life, I will have to live with loose ends that are tethered to my heart and soul.  I know how hard it is, and struggle with it every moment of every day (exhausting).  But, listen to that whisper inside of you that might suggest that you deserve more.  That you are NOT the problem.  Yes, we are all involved because there are some "issues" there that got us into this mess.  But the more I read and the more I learn, the more I'm coming to believe that BPD is just no good - and accepting that there is good, and "evil" in life is really hard, at least for me -

My BPD would always listen to Billy Joel's "And So it Goes" - I listened to it for the first time tonight since the whole thing exploded. It's sad - it speaks to the inevitable loss that is inherent in an unhealthy relationship like these are.

Stay strong ----

[Emelie Emelie]

This is all very helpful, thank you.  I guess in addition to accepting the fact that this relationship wasn't going to work, that this relationship is over, needs to be over, I also have to work to accept his feelings about me... . at least for right now.  His feelings towards me have been nothing if not changeable. 

I know this is how he copes.  I also know that he was very angry with me... . discarding me... . before I said those things to him.  I really didn't "do" anything to deserve that.  And maybe, just maybe, he will calm down at some point and realize that he really does need help... . particularly with his anger issues.  Not so "we" can work it out.  Too far gone for that.  But maybe he can be happier in the future.