Got a call from BPD gf after a long break

[TheBPDSurvivor]

My uBPDexGF called me from a random number after a longwhile since she broke up with me on Sep 10, 2013. It's been over 8 months since I last talked with her and I completely gone no contact. Out of blue, she just called me. I was like "Who is this?" She said, it's me. I asked again like "Excuse me, I don't know who you are can you please tell me again?" I've been in such a happy mood partying with my friends and her voiced seemed like she's so dull so I can't hear her. I said I don't remember you. She then said ok I'm hanging up(She used to say this when she's angry during our relationship) and hung up. I was like WOW Why would she call me. I mean I seriously don't want her in my life even though she is so so beautiful and has such a body structure that every men will dream off. Then 2 hrs later I just received another call from random number in which some drunk rogue is shouting at me for whatever reason. I told "I think you dialled a wrong number" and he kept saying like I know you're drunk. and so and so bad words. I hung up the call and he kept calling me from another number. I attended the call and put the phone on my table until he hang up. Then I drove to local police station and told about the incident for nuisance calls. The police as usual told me like I should say to him like I gave his number to cybercrime but they never noted the number nor filed the complaint. Welll, That's the matter now. I've been reading bpdfamily since February 2014 and it has been a huge relief for me to know what I got into and I also read about smear campaigns. I believe that's what happening to me now. She giving my personal number to local guys to take me down?

What do you think my bpdfamily? :*

[cosmonaut]

Ugh, that's hard that your ex called you up after so long.  I'm sure it was shocking, but it is not unusual for a pwBPD.  She might be reaching out to you for a recycle attempt.  As you may know, pwBPD have a very hard time being alone due to their highly undeveloped sense of self.  In order to compensate for this, they seek out attachments in order to utilize someone else's self.  Being without an attachment is a very difficult and scary time for a pwBPD.  It is, however, a very destructive coping mechanism for everyone involved, including the pwBPD.  Due to this need for attachment, pwBPD will often attempt to rekindle an old romance with an ex, because it is often easier than finding an entirely new attachment.  I'm sorry you are going through this.  It can be very confusing and hurtful.

I am not sure what is going on with the random men calling.  It could be that your ex is painting you black to new men that she is meeting and making you the enemy in order to gain the sympathy of the new man.  This is a common method that pwBPD use in order to attract a new attachment.  It was something I experienced myself with my ex when I first met her, and she may be doing the same about me with whomever new she is seeing.   I'm glad that you reported the calls, although it is unfortunate the police didn't take it more seriously.  If the calls continue, maybe you can talk to your carrier about putting a block in place.

[woodsposse]

 

I agree.  It is a hard thing to go through but it is typical in these types of r/s. Once I came here and learned more about the disorder I could more clearly see and understand why after me and my diagnosed PD wife split (and she left) a few months later when she found out I started dating - she came flodding back in and attempted a recycle. 

But it's also because the dude she was seeing (and had started a relationship wih while still with me) was turning out not to be the knight she thought it was.  I wasn't going to fall that easy for it - but I admit, later on it was difficult not to let her back in a bit.  It caused a lot of strife and confusion on my part which took a long time to sort out.

And the whole painting black things to new guys is also typical.  It is a great way for them to get sympathy from the new guy... . and depending on their maturaty level - they may want to actually step to you in an attempt to prove themselves with her... . the whole thing is a mess.

I would suggest just staying no contact and keep yourself safe.

It does get a lot better.

[TheBPDSurvivor]

Thanks for the reply Cosmonaut & woods posse! I'm sorry for not posting my story, I'll post them soon but I've been visiting bpdfamily every day and reading other's stories and incidents which I believe is what gave me all the strength and courage to move on with my life. I can seriously say I think much clear and feeling a lot better after being stuck down into her emotional turmoil. No contact is the way to go, but I'll admit that I used to peek at her FB friend's list at least once a day from my other account as I blocked both of her accounts from my real account. It's not because I want her or anything, I just wanted to see what kind of people's is she hanging out with. You can easily say that her new replacement's are co-dependant just by looking at them. She's a computer illiterate by the way and finds her replacements through Facebook, Wechat and Whatsapp.

The relationship lasted less than a month(July 4th week to August 3rd week) but feels like almost an year because she fancied me so much and never left me alone. Luckily her birthday fall within these days so I bought her some chocolates and some dolls and a teddy bear cos it looked like I'm gifting it to child. She's 21 btw. We talked everyday from evening after she comes from college to late night(3-4AM). Even though it's going great, I felt like something missing and always wondered about if she's cheating me with someone else so I used to say to her like some of her hostel roommates called me and told something about her. She'll then shout like I'm the only person you've to think about, I know what I'm doing and I know I'm good girl,etc... , After reading the traits here, I came to know it's actually them who does this(gaslighting?) and me without any knowledge am doing it to her per se... , giving her own dose to her. My FB friends list are set to public during our relationship and the day she started painting me black, one of my close buddy whom I know ever since the age 3 blocked me on FB and never talked with me since then. I never asked him for the reason and our mutual friends said like they too don't have any idea. I think she tried to make him my replacement but don't know how it turned out but I can't find her in his friend's list but he's been posting sadistic picture quotes since november.


Her college is located 13hrs from here so she came here for holidays. Her college re-opens on June 26th, 2014 only. What I'm worried about now is she is located just 8 Kms from me and she may come to my home with her Mom like nothing happened. Her mom is an illiterate and believes whatever you say to her and my uBPDexGF is her one and only daughter so she left her loosely. The first day when I'm talking to both her and her mom, I said like my next aim is to get a luxury car and that was before our relationship. I used to say to her like she has to wait just until December until I buy my car and then I'll pick her in the car from her college so she doesn't have to travel by public transport. The day she broke up with me, I cried and pleaded to her like I lost all my confidence, self-esteem, business, friends, so and so because that's how I seriously felt at that time. And now I bought my car in February 2014 and put it as my cover picture on FB. I believe that's what reeled her in. The only person whom her Dad trusts and allows into her home is just me as he's the best friend of my father and he generally never allows her to talk with males but she'll lie to them like she's talking with her female friend. We ended up making out on our first date in her home so I think reason she called me now is to have nothing but sex as she's going to be alone at home for the next 40+ days.

I'm seriously sick of this mentally disordered girl and don't want to see her again in my life.

[woodsposse]

 

Oh I think we have all been there before.

A few things to keep in mind.  She's quite young.  That is not to say that the disorder doesn't start to appear around this time, but if you take that with a natural immaturatity at that age, it's a double whammy.

I met my diagnosed PD ex wife  back when she was 19.  She we had been together close to 20 years before everything ruptured beyond repair.  But even back then - all the signs were there.  Heck, looking back on it now, I saw all the signs from our first date.  But I didn't know any of what I know now... . and quite frankly, as I sit here and think about it - I probably would have never gotten to this point had I not gone through all those years with her.

I know, it almost sounds like I'm thanking her and the disorder.  Not really.  But at least once I came here and finally finally finally got an understanding of what I was dealing with, I got a better understanding of who I am and why a r/s such as this affected me as much as it did.

Once I finally came to an understanding of what a relationship was like with a pwPD... . I was able to take a good hard look at myself and what it was about me, in me, which allowed me to continue to go back to it time and time again.  See, we had broken up and gotten back together quite a number of times before we finally got married.  Then during our 13 year marriage there were times of great joy and equally great conflict.  It never really made sense to me - and I ultimately had to take all the blame for everything which was a real blow to my self esteem.

But even then, I would beg and plead and do anything I could to get her back.  Until I just couldn't do anything else and let her go.  Then the real pain began.  The fall out from the final breakup was just plain insane.  It took me over the last almost two years to finally get out of the FOG - and it cost me a lot of time, energy and effort (as well as not fully being able to enjoy the first relationship which came after her leaving as I was still so emotionally attached to her).

All that is to say this - maybe now is a good time for you to take care of yourself.  Maybe focus a bit more on you.  I know the temptation of wanting to check out what she is up to, checking on her social networking stuff.  But, let me ask you, what do you think you want to get from doing that?

[TheBPDSurvivor]

That's a really good question Woods. Oh, I'm 27 and I've been in this relationship for less than a month and I thought she messed up my mind that it's so bad beyond repair and you say you're in this relationship for 20+ yrs. Much power to you! People generally call me as smart and very confident person. I also help the poor students financially who scored good marks in school, but can't afford college. I got into the computer business at such an young age and I'm the go-to guy for whatever computer related stuffs and that's how my udBPDexGF came to me. I remember she called me back one day evening in like 2009 and when I asked what's up, she said nothing but kept mourning something like she is afraid of something but I can't understand what she's trying to say. Now after reading all these traits, I know it's the abandonment fear that kicked into her. Also, I used to visit her home to install some softwares and each and everytime I go, I seen her talking on the phone with someone. I mean she must be 15-16 at that time and thought to myself like it's too bad that she is doing this. She also keeps her outlook like a quiet, shy person and I always complained to her dad like I can't hear what she is saying cos her voice is so soft and subtle that not even she herself can't hear. After knowing all this and after I got into the relationship, her Mom and Dad was so proud and happy that I'm talking with her and taking care of her. Her mom even said like I'm filling the gap that my UDexBPDGF is missing as a brother. cos she is the only child in her family.

It's nice you say beg and plead cos when I was in the devaluation stage, I kept begging her like why she is doing this to the person whom took a great care of her, wanted to treat her like a queen, spent most of time with her so she don't feel lonely,etc... , I said like you don't have mercy, pity, forgiveness and humanity for doing all this to me and she was like she's not even listening to me.

oh and the red flags, there were a bunch of red-flags that kept popping in on each and every word we spoke but now only I realize how much I ignored them. If I were to put up a shield initially, I would've saved a lot of time and energy as well as money which I lost in business cos I'm not able to concentrate on them during that time.

I agree I was tempted so much to check out her FB initially after the breakup but I'm not checking them now. I remember she is the one whom I think about everytime when I wakeup and goto bed but that was before April this year. I think the reason why I check out her FB is to see what kind of person is she going after. She hunts for replacements on a smartphone app called wechat and when she find some decent person and a poor soul., She'll then add them on FB.

Now after knowing all this, I can only say I wish to not see her again in my life.

I'm doing great now and learning how to value myself and having a great progress in my life and sleeping peacefully.