i miss him right now

[corraline]

i miss him terribly.  i miss the times when we would snuggle ... i miss our amazing conversations. i miss going out for dinner, or making great meals together,a walk with the dog,i miss the silliness, the play fighting, the glasses of wine we shared, watching a great movie together and discussing it after, going to watch live music, i miss his beautiful handsome face, his sense of humour, his wisdom,his wit, his tenderness and vulnerability at times and even his craziness... . i just damn well miss him. i hurt so much today.  i don't feel like trying to counter it with reminding myself of the bad stuff.  that doesn't take away any of my grief and pain for me. none!

[fromheeltoheal]

i don't feel like trying to counter it with reminding myself of the bad stuff.  that doesn't take away any of my grief and pain for me. none!

I agree corraline, it doesn't take away the grief and pain, but it would help you keep from contacting him, which I'm pretty sure you think is a bad idea.

And the important thing is to not try and take away the grief and pain but to feel it all the way.  You're grieving, a necessary part of detaching, and the only way out is through.  Hang in there, and maybe think of a future where you're enjoying those things with someone sustainably and healthfully; the only way there is to go through what you're feeling now.

I set up a new stereo system today, and I've been listening to some great, emotional music, and I thought of her and how great it would be to be lying around on a warm, sunny afternoon enjoying that music with her.  The thoughts were great, but I needed to remind myself where the only place that Nirvana exists is in my head, it would never happen in reality, or not for long, certainly not sustainably.

Take care of you!

[corraline]

thanks fromheeltoheal

i am not going to contact him.  i don't feel really tempted to. well maybe a little. but i won't. i have come to far to abandon all of the healing that has taken place so far.

what kind of emotional music did you listen to?

maybe you could share it here?

[corraline]

i just talked to my closest girlfriend and told her i was feeling sad... and told her why.

she said "you miss him with all of the bad things he has done to you?" she was very surprised

i started crying.

then i go back to blaming myself thinking... . well, i guess i did alot of complaining.  i didn't spend hours telling my girlfriend all of the things i loved about him.  then i think... . yeah cup half empty mentality.

its all my fault for leading her and others to think this way.  she has never even met him. she doesn't live near me.

i question the whole thing again and wonder if it was just me not accepting all of him.

but  lying, cheating, disrespect and abusive behavior was unacceptable for me.  it just was. i could not pretend it was. trying to be okay and working thru it with him just really never got anywhere. his behavior kept going back to the way it always was.

i gave it as much as i could. i really did.

[LettingGo14]

i gave it as much as i could. i really did.

Hello my friend --

I am sorry you are hurting.  I know that pain you are feeling -- the  sort that arises from grieving the good that was lost, the kind that sticks a spear of loneliness in the heart.  It makes it difficult to breathe sometimes.  We almost start to think we will never heal.

So much of the standard instruction is to "move on."   I get it, intellectually.  But, I've been spending a lot of time lately merely marinating in what happened.  Because I don't want to repress anything.  

I don't know if I'll explain this well, because I'm only a novice at this type of thinking.  But, I'll try.

We can hold both the good and the bad.  It's like a sunny day and a cloudy day.  Both happen.  It's just that we can't become attached only to the sunny days and averse to the cloudy days.  We also should not come to define ourselves only by the sunny days or cloudy days.   Pema Chodron says, "You are the sky, everything else is the weather" with the implication that the weather does not hurt the sky, even when it storms.

Of course you tried.  And I hope you give yourself credit for trying, and that you do not define yourself as a failure.  We are here, and this is where we start.  It's not where we end.

In meditation recently, I was able to recreate the feeling I had on the best days with my ex-girlfriend.  It startled me a little, because I thought it was lost forever.  Then, I realized that my "feeling" was my feeling.  It came from me, not her.   Just as your love came from you, and not him.

Be kind to yourself, corraline.  Touch your heart and tell yourself that you care about your own suffering.  Just as your suffering is inside of you, your joy is as well.  

[corraline]

thank you so much lettinggo14

your words touch me deeply. you don't sound like a novice to me. maybe it is because it comes from somewhere that is not intellectual. something that you are able to access when you share here and that is your love.

Just as your love came from you, and not him.

you know, this is the part that i do understand.  thank you for reminding me. it is my love and it can never be taken away. although my heart feels like it has been broken wide open, i still love him and i also know that even though he is not with me as a partner, he is still with me in my heart. i do find peace in that.

[LettingGo14]

it is my love and it can never be taken away. although my heart feels like it has been broken wide open, i still love him and i also know that even though he is not with me as a partner, he is still with me in my heart. i do find peace in that.

There's an instruction I like lately -- "abandon hope" --

It runs counter to conventional wisdom.  Here's Pema Chodron, again:



"You could even put “Abandon Hope” on your refrigerator door instead of more conventional aspirations like “Everyday in everyway, I’m getting better and better.” We hold onto hope and it robs us of the present moment. If hope and fear are two different sides of the same coin, so are hopelessness and confidence. If we’re willing to give up hope that insecurity and pain can be exterminated, then we can have the courage to relax with the groundlessness of our situation.

When we talk about hopelessness and death, we’re talking about facing facts. No escapism. Giving up hope is encouragement to stick with yourself, not to run away, to return to the bare bones, no matter whats going on. If we totally experience hopelessness, giving up all hope of alternatives to the present moment, we can have a joyful relationship with our lives, an honest, direct relationship that no longer ignores the reality of impermanence."

**

I'm trying to accept the good and the bad.  Trying to acknowledge that so much now depends on how I evaluate my feelings.  I'm stuck if I assign her credit for my love, and I'm stuck if I blame her for my heartbreak.   

[corraline]

thanks again lettinggo

i like pema chodron.  the last gift i gave my ex was her book on living beautifully... .

we used to read her books together. 

i am going to sit with what you have sent me... . take it in

[woodsposse]

 

In the words Arthur Dent read... . while holding his towel... . ":)on't panic!"  :-)

How you are feeling is a normal part of the process - and anyone who knows me knows I slipped and slided back and forth about my ex more times than you can swing a dead cat at (not sure why one would want to swing a dead cat... . just sounds kinda gross... . but still... . )

I know I'm feeling a little sad and lonely today - had an emotional overwhelming night last night, and today I didn't have anyone to curl up next to, lay my head on a lap... . or just talk to.  You would think I would miss my recent GF who I've been with for 18 months.  One would think she would be my go to (mentally).  Not today.

Today I thought of my ex-wife.  Not in a "I want to call her and see if I can get her attention to talk with me because I miss her" thing... . but I did have an overwhelming feeling of missing what we did have.  The times we actually did 'love each other' - and our lives were good.

We had the house, our cars, cats, dogs, our kids, the back yard, the front yard, our computers and cable TV... . family, structure, a few dollars in the bank... . and the internet!  Have to have the internet!

All of it - gone!

Then, even though I should be very upset and angry because of what she did - part of me... . isn't.  Part of me would have her come to me today, tonight, talk and remember the smile she use to have on her face when she loved me (if there was ever really such a time).

But then I remember that for me to be healthy and well, I have to take it all.  The good and the bad.  Yes she is sick, has a disorder, a diagnosis.  Her actions may be textbook... . but they are still actions which hurt me.  For me to (even at this point) allow it does nothing but make me the person who continues to hurt me.

So... . I won't pick up the phone to call, or I won't send her a text or email.

I'm okay with feeling this way because I can't ignore it or try and soothe it by pretending it doesn't exist (or, heaven forbid... . I actually reach out to her.  I know I would never hear from her who I remembered she was - and that would be even more harmful)

[corraline]

I'm okay with feeling this way because I can't ignore it or try and soothe it by pretending it doesn't exist

cool woods.

how is the boredom going ? did you manage to be okay with that ?

thank you for sharing your feelings here, it helps me too. 

[corraline]

When the word impermanence comes up ... . i feel uncomfortable.

more pema wisdom... .


ALL IS FLEETING AND IMPERMANENT

“That nothing is static or fixed, that all is fleeting and impermanent, is the first mark of

existence. It is the ordinary state of affairs. Everything is in process. Everything—every tree,

every blade of grass, all the animals, insects, human beings, buildings, the animate and

inanimate—is always changing, moment to moment. We don’t have to be mystics or physicists to

know this. Yet at the level of personal experience, we resist this basic fact. It means that life isn’t

always going to go our way. It means there’s loss as well as gain. And we don’t like that"

thanks for bringing this to my attention lettinggo14

[patientandclear]

Corraline, you made an early post that really stuck with me -- talking about how your ex asked you to be courageous and not leave, like all the other women.  To stick it out. And you said you tried to be courageous.  But then he kept abusing you.

The contradictory feelings in your posts in this thread -- that you miss him terribly, it could be remarkably good together; and that he lied, cheated and abused you -- ring so true for me.  That loop where you wonder if you could just have accepted him as he was ... .

But when the things that are happening require you to abandon yourself if you are to accept them ... . it makes sense that we cannot.  And should not.

It's super hard stuff.  I am still trying to really accept that both aspects -- the wonderful insightful close and kind person and the cold, mocking trivializing contemptuous person -- were really there, one or the other is not a misunderstanding on my part.  My mind has been working all this time to try to eliminate one or the other because it just can't contain the truth that he is both.

Jeffrey Young's work on BPD schema therapy and BPD "modes" is helpful in understanding how both aspects of our pwBPD can occur, almost as if they were separate personalities.

[lifeafter18years]

I feel everything you feel... . I will be good in the morning like I can make it through the day and then in one second, I am anxious, crying, mad, missing, hate him, love him, want him to hold me, want to hurt him back like he did to me, want him to tell me how much he misses me and loves me and is so SORRY for what he has done to me and the kids and our lives... . Then I remember all the bad things he did, especially this last one of cheating and choosing her and then reality comes crashing down that WE will never be again.  All my dreams of traveling and us buying and remodeling and loving all gone by HIS actions and choices.  Even with possibly having BPD, he still made these horrible choices knowing the outcome and did not care... . DID NOT CARE!  DID NOT LOVE ME ENOUGH TO STOP!  I have been hearing songs that make me cry because I sing them and scream them and cry them and then I FEEL BETTER. I drain myself of all the suppressed emotions and I FEEL BETTER.  Then I can think more or less clearer that this is better for me and my kids than living a lie, hurting everyday, wondering what he would do to me next to kill OUR LOVE even more... . I like "Help ME Make it Through the Night by Kris Kristofferson.  I also like Christina Aguilera/Blake Shelton "Im Such A Fool" and Christina Aguilera/Great Big World "Say something Im giving up on you".  I also like Neil Diamond's "Love on the Rocks"-first they say they love you, then how they really need you, suddenly you find your out there walking in a storm, and when they know they have you, then they really have you, NOTHING you can do or say, you've got to leave, just get away,  we all KNOW the SONG! :'(

[fromheeltoheal]

It's super hard stuff.  I am still trying to really accept that both aspects -- the wonderful insightful close and kind person and the cold, mocking trivializing contemptuous person -- were really there, one or the other is not a misunderstanding on my part.  My mind has been working all this time to try to eliminate one or the other because it just can't contain the truth that he is both.

Jeffrey Young's work on BPD schema therapy and BPD "modes" is helpful in understanding how both aspects of our pwBPD can occur, almost as if they were separate personalities.

It is hard P&C; if only she could stay in sweet mode, if only I could figure out how to keep her there, if only I could stop blaming myself for letting her go there.  What a bunch of crap, but I did go there, and I'm learning it's because I have an anxious attachment style and she was avoidant, profound for me.  And I now realize her two modes were just triggered and untriggered, and it would have been 100% impossible to keep her from becoming triggered, even for her, and my only option would have been to just deal with it.  Nope.

I mentioned I was listening to music yesterday and ended up thinking about her, missing my fantasy of her a little, and then some classic Dylan showed up, not totally applicable, but clearly Bob had been there to:

Well, it ain't no use to sit and wonder why, babe

Even you don't know by now

And it ain't no use to sit and wonder why, babe

It'll never do somehow

When your rooster crows at the break of dawn

Look out your window, and I'll be gone

You're the reason I'm a-traveling on

But don't think twice, it's all right.

And It ain't no use in turning on your light, babe

The light I never knowed

And it ain't no use in turning on your light, babe

I'm on the dark side of the road

But I wish there was somethin' you would do or say

To try and make me change my mind and stay

But we never did too much talking anyway

But don't think twice, it's all right.

So It ain't no use in calling out my name, gal

Like you never done before

And It ain't no use in calling out my name, gal

I can't hear you any more

I'm a-thinking and a-wonderin' walking down the road

I once loved a woman, a child I am told

I gave her my heart but she wanted my soul

But don't think twice, it's all right.

So long honey, baby

Where I'm bound, I can't tell

Goodbye's too good a word, babe

So I'll just say fare thee well

I ain't a-saying you treated me unkind

You could have done better but I don't mind

You just kinda wasted my precious time

But don't think twice, it's all right.

[/font]

[seeking balance]

Corraline,

Some really good stuff in this thread already and I wanted to add something that we tend to gloss over in all of this... . most of us here really did love our partners and the easy stuff - the things you miss, I missed for a long time... . this is a normal part of grieving a relationship.

Action - how we respond to these emotions is really important - you said you cried, this is necessary to let the pain go.  No, it isn't fun - but it is a necessary part.

The depression phase of grief is an experience we all go through to get to the other side.  Sometimes we gloss over it with a new relationship, or going back to bargaining (that looks like contact as friends a lot) or maybe reading every self-help in the world to distract ourselves (I did a bit of this myself) - nothing is wrong with distracting ourselves as long as we use that to function, but not so much that we don't allow the grief to flow through.

This too shall pass - honestly, our emotions are fluid and they will change - it feels bad now, because it is supposed to - it is a part of grieving someone we love.

You are stronger than you know and you will feel better sooner than you realize - if I remember correctly, I didn't even notice right away feeling better, but I noticed, "wow, I just had a day where I didn't feel so heavy" - nothing special happened, just felt lighter.

Do the healthy things even when you don't feel like doing them - ie exercise, gratitude list, eat properly, sleep, etc... . the cumulative effect is powerful.

Hang in there,

SB

[corraline]

thank you very much for all of the wise and loving support everyone.

Yesterday i was also feeling unsupported in my life by my family and friends.  I was in pretty serious victim mode for awhile. It brought up the feelings about how i have never felt supported by my family. I have been looking after myself and having to be overly responsible at an early age. I remember the sadness i felt when my parents were breaking up and it was seriously painful and chaotic, all of the focus was on them and i felt very alone.  I asked for something from one of my aunts and she blew me off.  I remember thinking "what about me? what about my little brother ? we are hurting too, isn't someone going to take care of us in all of this ?" Sometimes i just want someone else to take care of me now.  I felt like a little girl wanting her mommy and daddy.

I understand that I am not that little girl anymore but that part of me still hurts. I am working on this, i am taking care of that little girl.  I have some great material ie books that address that. Self care is so important right now. I do practise this.  Reaching out here helped me alot.  thank you again.

Maybe yesterday i could have upped the self care thingy but i was busy for most of the day taking care of my daughter and a friend who needs help more than anything right now.

I also understand there are so many layers to the grief that i feel that has been opened up with my relationship with my ex.

Sometimes, i am in my head so much that and i am seeing how i can spiral out of control with it.  One of the things that i really need to work on.  That can be a distraction for me to not be with my feelings.  What i am doing lately is a very simple exercise.  ie.  when i am driving and my thoughts start going to him or a situation with him and then it leads to something else, and another ... . aaaahhhh ! i start to feel crazy and confused then when i feel that way i go... . "corraline, come back... you are driving, your hands are on the steering wheel, the light is turning red, the sun is shining... " i bring myself back to the present.  Being present is difficult for me. My head is a big distraction.  I am always trying to figure things out, my need for understanding is partly control issues too.  I am always trying to make sense of everything.

hey, great new topic to bring to my t on friday.