Having a rough week/ stuck on a few thoughts

[Depression = 72% of members]

I was reading the pdf on this website entitled surviving a breakup with someone with BPD. Great article by the way, really helps me when i'm feeling down. But i noticed a few things that i am stuck on that the article goes into. I started no contact three and a half weeks ago, and i didnt tell her i was doing it, i just blocked her number and social media pages.

I find myself questioning if i should have told her i was going no contact, it brings some guilt to me and makes me question the decision even though i know its the hard part to the detaching. I find myself often questioning what she thinks about me abruptly blocking her and if it pissed her off and she now went from being friendly to hating my guts. It often triggers me to look at the situation through her eyes which us pretty unhealthy.

I know she has a replacement, which is why she's most likely doing fine but finding myself getting stuck on some of the things the article brings up and how people on here have managed past these road blocks, or if anyone else is stuck at the same spot.

Number 4 talks about getting stuck on the belief that the BPD partner is feeling the same way you do. After no contact i find i miss waiting for her to check in on me, or thinking she has to feel the same reminiscent thoughts or sadness i do from not being in contact.

I'm wondering is she feels sad at all like i do, if she misses me at all because of all the good times we had... i knew i had to do it because every time she did hit me up i thought she really cared, and it hurts me she doesn't. that brings me to number 8

number 8 i feel im stuck on as well. It says getting stuck on the idea that absence makes the heart grow fonder. I feel like i stated above that how could she not miss me like i miss her, all those laughs and good times we shared? I subconsciously want her to miss me , silly i know. But it just hurts so bad that the idea that me going no contact (even though it was to heal for me) will make her heart grow colder and she will probably hate me. I dont want her to hate me and look at all those times as black and meaningless. I'm just so confused. Its like i did the nc for me but parts of me wants her to come back, miss me, and ask me how i'm doing even though it hurts so bad and she's got a new man. 

Anybody else struggling with these beliefs or have any advice on overcoming them?

Also if anybody has thoughts on me going cold Nc and not telling her i wouldnt mind getting outside perspectives on the matter

thanks

-jc

[jc1010]

I was reading the pdf on this website entitled surviving a breakup with someone with BPD. Great article by the way, really helps me when i'm feeling down. But i noticed a few things that i am stuck on that the article goes into. I started no contact three and a half weeks ago, and i didnt tell her i was doing it, i just blocked her number and social media pages.

I find myself questioning if i should have told her i was going no contact, it brings some guilt to me and makes me question the decision even though i know its the hard part to the detaching. I find myself often questioning what she thinks about me abruptly blocking her and if it pissed her off and she now went from being friendly to hating my guts. It often triggers me to look at the situation through her eyes which us pretty unhealthy.

I know she has a replacement, which is why she's most likely doing fine but finding myself getting stuck on some of the things the article brings up and how people on here have managed past these road blocks, or if anyone else is stuck at the same spot.

Number 4 talks about getting stuck on the belief that the BPD partner is feeling the same way you do. After no contact i find i miss waiting for her to check in on me, or thinking she has to feel the same reminiscent thoughts or sadness i do from not being in contact.

I'm wondering is she feels sad at all like i do, if she misses me at all because of all the good times we had... i knew i had to do it because every time she did hit me up i thought she really cared, and it hurts me she doesn't. that brings me to number 8

number 8 i feel im stuck on as well. It says getting stuck on the idea that absence makes the heart grow fonder. I feel like i stated above that how could she not miss me like i miss her, all those laughs and good times we shared? I subconsciously want her to miss me , silly i know. But it just hurts so bad that the idea that me going no contact (even though it was to heal for me) will make her heart grow colder and she will probably hate me. I dont want her to hate me and look at all those times as black and meaningless. I'm just so confused. Its like i did the nc for me but parts of me wants her to come back, miss me, and ask me how i'm doing even though it hurts so bad and she's got a new man. 

Anybody else struggling with these beliefs or have any advice on overcoming them?

Also if anybody has thoughts on me going cold Nc and not telling her i wouldnt mind getting outside perspectives on the matter

thanks

-jc

[Lonely_Astro]

Going NC, whether cold turkey or not, is for you.  It isn't for them.  It isn't to punish them.  It's for you to get the distance you need to break free.  It's also hard to do when you're trauma bonded with your ex.  Add in some codependency and/or enmeshment and you're bound to end up feeling like garbage.

I have been LC with my ex with some moments of NC thrown in.  When we would come back into contact (usually a few days at a time), I always ended up feeling worse.  I would go home and cry because of what's happened.  She told me as recent as Friday that she misses me, "all of me".  Oh, by the way, she has a new boyfriend.  So, when it says they aren't feeling the same way as you... .it's probably true.  I say that because of my jaded past with my ex.  If they have a replacement or an attachment in their life, they may or may not think about you.  But, if they do, it isn't in the same sense that you think about them.

They are capable of thinking of the good times, sure.  But, they see you as a source of shame.  BPs can't deal with any shame, therefore they can't deal with you.  It's a hallmark of their disorder.  While they are individuals, they all seem to have core similarities.  For instance, my ex (J) talks about how great I am, how much she loves me, how much she misses me, and so on... .yet she has a boyfriend.  So what's she telling him the entire time she's telling me about how much of a struggle she's going through, how she misses me, and so on?  I can guarantee its not the 'truth'.

I think about the song by Foo Fighters "The Best of You" when it comes to J.  I spent so much time trying to be what she wanted, only to end up getting hurt in the end.  This new guy is getting "the best of" her... .for now.  Give it some time and he'll be right where I am.  After all, he has no idea (at least I guess) she's BPD.  I did and still tried to make it work, only to have it fail spectacularly.

Anyway, distance is good for you.  It allows you to heal.  Stop worrying about how your absence affected her.  She can take care of herself.  You need to take care of you.  Talk to us, that's what we're all here for.  If you are waiting on some great show of affection from you ex, you'll probably be waiting... .and if you didn't, you need to ask yourself what's in it for her.

Just my .02 worth.

[Driver]

I was reading the pdf on this website entitled surviving a breakup with someone with BPD. Great article by the way, really helps me when i'm feeling down. But i noticed a few things that i am stuck on that the article goes into. I started no contact three and a half weeks ago, and i didnt tell her i was doing it, i just blocked her number and social media pages.

I find myself questioning if i should have told her i was going no contact, it brings some guilt to me and makes me question the decision even though i know its the hard part to the detaching. I find myself often questioning what she thinks about me abruptly blocking her and if it pissed her off and she now went from being friendly to hating my guts. It often triggers me to look at the situation through her eyes which us pretty unhealthy.

I know she has a replacement, which is why she's most likely doing fine but finding myself getting stuck on some of the things the article brings up and how people on here have managed past these road blocks, or if anyone else is stuck at the same spot.

Number 4 talks about getting stuck on the belief that the BPD partner is feeling the same way you do. After no contact i find i miss waiting for her to check in on me, or thinking she has to feel the same reminiscent thoughts or sadness i do from not being in contact.

I'm wondering is she feels sad at all like i do, if she misses me at all because of all the good times we had... i knew i had to do it because every time she did hit me up i thought she really cared, and it hurts me she doesn't. that brings me to number 8

number 8 i feel im stuck on as well. It says getting stuck on the idea that absence makes the heart grow fonder. I feel like i stated above that how could she not miss me like i miss her, all those laughs and good times we shared? I subconsciously want her to miss me , silly i know. But it just hurts so bad that the idea that me going no contact (even though it was to heal for me) will make her heart grow colder and she will probably hate me. I dont want her to hate me and look at all those times as black and meaningless. I'm just so confused. Its like i did the nc for me but parts of me wants her to come back, miss me, and ask me how i'm doing even though it hurts so bad and she's got a new man. 

Anybody else struggling with these beliefs or have any advice on overcoming them?

Also if anybody has thoughts on me going cold Nc and not telling her i wouldnt mind getting outside perspectives on the matter

thanks

-jc

Just a quick question. When you initiated NC, what was her reaction? Did she harass you? Threatened you? Tried desperately to reach you?

[jc1010]

I have no idea, i physically went on verizon and added her to the block calls/text list so i dont even get calls or texts and the only way she'd be able to contact me is calling me off a different number which she hasn't done... she's very prideful too so i doubt she will do that

[jc1010]

Going NC, whether cold turkey or not, is for you.  It isn't for them.  It isn't to punish them.  It's for you to get the distance you need to break free.  It's also hard to do when you're trauma bonded with your ex.  Add in some codependency and/or enmeshment and you're bound to end up feeling like garbage.

I have been LC with my ex with some moments of NC thrown in.  When we would come back into contact (usually a few days at a time), I always ended up feeling worse.  I would go home and cry because of what's happened.  She told me as recent as Friday that she misses me, "all of me".  Oh, by the way, she has a new boyfriend.  So, when it says they aren't feeling the same way as you... .it's probably true.  I say that because of my jaded past with my ex.  If they have a replacement or an attachment in their life, they may or may not think about you.  But, if they do, it isn't in the same sense that you think about them.

They are capable of thinking of the good times, sure.  But, they see you as a source of shame.  BPs can't deal with any shame, therefore they can't deal with you.  It's a hallmark of their disorder.  While they are individuals, they all seem to have core similarities.  For instance, my ex (J) talks about how great I am, how much she loves me, how much she misses me, and so on... .yet she has a boyfriend.  So what's she telling him the entire time she's telling me about how much of a struggle she's going through, how she misses me, and so on?  I can guarantee its not the 'truth'.

I think about the song by Foo Fighters "The Best of You" when it comes to J.  I spent so much time trying to be what she wanted, only to end up getting hurt in the end.  This new guy is getting "the best of" her... .for now.  Give it some time and he'll be right where I am.  After all, he has no idea (at least I guess) she's BPD.  I did and still tried to make it work, only to have it fail spectacularly.

Anyway, distance is good for you.  It allows you to heal.  Stop worrying about how your absence affected her.  She can take care of herself.  You need to take care of you.  Talk to us, that's what we're all here for.  If you are waiting on some great show of affection from you ex, you'll probably be waiting... .and if you didn't, you need to ask yourself what's in it for her.

Just my .02 worth.

how do you deal with her telling you things like that, do you just write it off as BS? i doubt she would even say that sh!t to me because she probably is still in idealization phase of the older dude shes now dating

[Driver]

I have no idea, i physically went on verizon and added her to the block calls/text list so i dont even get calls or texts and the only way she'd be able to contact me is calling me off a different number which she hasn't done... she's very prideful too so i doubt she will do that

Trust me, if they wanted to harass you, they'd find the way.

In case of BPD, I may be wrong, but I don't think a characteristic of pwBPD is being prideful as they have very low esteem of themselves. However, what may happen hear is that, if borderline, she simply split you.

[Lonely_Astro]

how do you deal with her telling you things like that, do you just write it off as BS? i doubt she would even say that sh!t to me because she probably is still in idealization phase of the older dude shes now dating

How do I deal with it?  It's hard. It's confusing.  I work with her, so I see her on workdays.  Do I write it off as BS?  Partially. What I mean is I believe she has those feelings for me in the moment. She can't sustain those feelings, so she writes it off.  The whole thing, in the end, isn't about me... .it's about her.  After all, she's telling me those things all the while texting her bf about whatever theyre talking about.  So which is the 'real' J?  The answer is: neither.  There's a 3rd J in the mix: her true self.  She's wearing a mask toward me, her bf, and whoever else is in the mix. 

At one point, somewhere, I meant something to her or she wouldn't have stayed in contact with me this long.  Sure, I get they never really close a door, but J is the type to run silent and not reach out after the discard.  She hasn't done that this time to me, for whatever reason.  The one thing I am sure of is she is doing it for her, not for me.

Them saying "that stuff" isn't easy to hear. But with them, words and actions often don't add up. J was notorious for telling me one thing while doing another.  Even being told you are the love of their life means little when you don't see the action behind it.  Hearing those things makes detaching even more painful and harder because you fundamentally want to succeed with them.  You want to love them. That how I feel, anyway.  Trust me, detaching is much easier if you're NC instead of hearing that stuff every time you talk to them only to know they're going to someone else at the end of the day.  Trust me, I know.

[jc1010]

I have no idea, i physically went on verizon and added her to the block calls/text list so i dont even get calls or texts and the only way she'd be able to contact me is calling me off a different number which she hasn't done... she's very prideful too so i doubt she will do that

Trust me, if they wanted to harass you, they'd find the way.

In case of BPD, I may be wrong, but I don't think a characteristic of pwBPD is being prideful as they have very low esteem of themselves. However, what may happen hear is that, if borderline, she simply split you.

don't get me wrong she has low self esteem unfortunately... when i said prideful i guess what i meant to say is she wouldnt reach out because she has deemed herself as better than me like i'm not deserving of her so that's what prideful i meant to say, almost like 'oh he blocked me? whatever he's weak has issues ect'. her best friend told one of my life long friends during the month we broke up (late october) that i needed to stop watching football with my friends and drinking and sh!t. so she made me feel after we broke up that i was the sole problem when i made initial contact with her. so maybe i'm seeing the splitting as her thinking she's better than me