I don't think I'll ever understand...

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

It's been nearly a year since I left my uBPD bf. I haven't met anyone else or had a relationship although I've been on some dates and such. In fact, I can't really imagine being with anyone else yet.

But he has some pretty gf (yes, I found this out by checking his FB).

And when we split up, he threw away all the cards I'd given him, the cards my son had made for him, and all pictures of us together. He also got rid of almost all his belongings and got a roommate who had an already furnished apartment.

I feel like he just wanted to erase me and my son-- like he wanted to pretend that we never existed, never were a family together.

I just don't understand. I mean, as painful as it is, my son and I still reminisce about the good times we had with my ex. My son still has a picture of himself with my ex that he keeps on his bookshelf in his room.

My ex said he loved me more than he's ever loved anyone. He said he wanted to marry me-- that he wanted to have a child with me. Even though it was a mutual decision to split up, I had hoped that maybe we'd reunite at some point and work on things.

I had this idea that he was my soulmate. And I really did think that he felt the same. It's so difficult to get closure  when there are so many things I don't think I'll ever understand about why things unfolded the way they did, how he could have seemed so incredibly attached to me, yet ended up just shutting down and drinking more and more heavily and being mean and angry to the point I didn't have much choice but to leave.

I feel like I'd have done anything to try to make it work-- go to counseling together, etc. And in the end, he just wasn't as invested as I was. It feels like such a rejection.

[tango1492]

It's been nearly a year since I left my uBPD bf. I haven't met anyone else or had a relationship although I've been on some dates and such. In fact, I can't really imagine being with anyone else yet.

But he has some pretty gf (yes, I found this out by checking his FB).

And when we split up, he threw away all the cards I'd given him, the cards my son had made for him, and all pictures of us together. He also got rid of almost all his belongings and got a roommate who had an already furnished apartment.

I feel like he just wanted to erase me and my son-- like he wanted to pretend that we never existed, never were a family together.

I just don't understand. I mean, as painful as it is, my son and I still reminisce about the good times we had with my ex. My son still has a picture of himself with my ex that he keeps on his bookshelf in his room.

My ex said he loved me more than he's ever loved anyone. He said he wanted to marry me-- that he wanted to have a child with me. Even though it was a mutual decision to split up, I had hoped that maybe we'd reunite at some point and work on things.

I had this idea that he was my soulmate. And I really did think that he felt the same. It's so difficult to get closure  when there are so many things I don't think I'll ever understand about why things unfolded the way they did, how he could have seemed so incredibly attached to me, yet ended up just shutting down and drinking more and more heavily and being mean and angry to the point I didn't have much choice but to leave.

I feel like I'd have done anything to try to make it work-- go to counseling together, etc. And in the end, he just wasn't as invested as I was. It feels like such a rejection.

[LettingGo14]

It feels like such a rejection.

If I had a single sentence to summarize the entirety of the pain, it would be "it feels like such rejection."    It cuts right to the heart of the matter.

I hope you can be kind to yourself tango1492.   What our ex-partners did, or did not do, is not something many of us ever "figure out."   It's like trying to decipher something indecipherable.   It's a puzzle that won't be solved for many of us.

We can apply the same inquiry to ourselves.  We can acknowledge our efforts.  We can accept the pain.  We can allow for failure, and still not let it define our futures.

Thanks for your posting.  It is honest, and insightful.     

[fatherofthree]

Tango,

Personal message sent.  It sounds like you're putting more into these relationships than the other person.  I've literally done the very same thing.  You deserve love from yourself.  We all look for someone to validate our feelings: i.e. if I sacrifice or do something good for this person, they'll appreciate it and love us back.  Then... . they don't. 

I've grown to think of it in the terms that other person is lucky to be with me.  I have a ton to offer.  I'm a great person; honest, loyal, and a great provider.  If they can't appreciate those things in you, they simply don't deserve you.  It's almost like you know that you're a treasure.  Someone is going to be lucky enough to dig deep enough and find that out in you.

In the mean time, I'd recommend focusing on your son.  That's one relationship that's critical to make healthy.  Church has been absolutely critical in my recovery from my own mess.  I highly recommend it... . !

[Alex86]

I feel like I'd have done anything to try to make it work-- go to counseling together, etc. And in the end, he just wasn't as invested as I was. It feels like such a rejection.

Tango,

please take care of yourself. I feel the same rejection with my uBPDexgf.

I tried everything in vain to make it work. Everyone looked at me and

said I was crazy and was the "nice" boy.

I have been reading a lot about BPD. Trying to understand.

If they loved us wouldn't want to make it work?

If they were our soulmates, wouldn't want to be together under no circumstances?

Like you, who wanted to make it work.

But there were always ridiculous excuses.

"Love is not enough"

"You deserve better"

"It can't work between us"

"It is your fault that I am leaving"

"I don't make you happy"

I ask you... . Did you make any excuses? Didn't you want to be together

no matter what?

Tango, should we accept that? Especially if they moved on to another r/s

after us. This is my deal breaker for me.

Even though they react with craziness I believe they have the intelligence to

see that.

But there are other attributes in their personalities making them unable to stop that

such as being stubborn, selfish, self-centered, afraid of change... etc

I believe LOVE IS JUST ENOUGH to make it work! Period.

[Emelie Emelie]

Hi Tango - I'm sorry you're having such a rough time. 

I struggle with understanding it as well.  I felt like we had a very deep connection.  He also said he loved me more than he'd ever loved anyone.  He said he was going to do whatever it took to work things out.  Then he just walked away.  Again.  And yes... . the feeing of rejection is the worst of it. 

Same with the drinking, the anger. 

I'm sorry that your son is involved.  That makes everything all that much more difficult. 

Sending you   this morning.