Any suggestions for using SET please?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I'm having some difficulty with my SO/pwBPD whilst I'm away visiting family in another country. My previous post here gives some info/background - https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=225614.msg12435031#msg12435031

So after he suggested we didn't speak/Skype, it was ok just texting for a couple of days, but has gone back to how it was at first with repeated texts and definite dysregulation.  Yesterday his texts in the morning we're fine. Then the evening ones were fine at first. He'd text to say goodnight and I did the same. Then he sent me a picture of the huge plate of chicken wings he'd eaten, and the conversation went like this

Me - 'wow, you'll be dreaming of chickens tonight then! Ha ha!'

Him - 'I only dream about you'

Me - 'ahh, I only dream about you too! Maybe I'll be eating chicken wings tonight though! He he!'

Him - 'no that not sexy'

Then again straight away 'your clearly busy don't worry'

Me - 'sorry, not busy, just trying to have a laugh. Night honey'

Him - you eating chicken is not sexy don't worry

Him - why are you doing this to me

(I was trying to have a laugh and definitely didn't want to be sexy, there hasn't been anything in our relationship that's made me feel like that for a long time, and he doesn't understand how the very frequent rages, anger, verbal and emotional abuse has taken its toll)

Then 8 texts straight after each other demanding to know if I was going to finish with him, saying I'm mentally abusing him, that I'm not telling the truth, I'm tying to 'finish him off', that I keep kicking him down, that I'm punishing him, being selfish, that it's not fair that I've said I won't speak to him when he's like this, 'I've got an emotion disorder and you do this' and it carried on.

I did text him to say it's not over  that it's not good for us to have these conversations and best to talk when things are calmer. I told him I love him and don't want things to get worse between us (as things are at crisis point with how everything's been over the last couple of years), so I won't keep replying to these texts which is just the same as me leaving the house when I'm at home to stop things getting out of hand. I had tried some validation in an earlier text too, but it didn't seem to make a difference.

So I'm looking for a bit of help really, as I'll be away another couple of weeks and would like him to feel better and for me to be able to enjoy my time with my family without the constant stress of how he's going to behave.  Should I try to use SET? And any suggestions how to do that?  I'd really appreciate any help.

He's ignored the text I sent him this morning, so he's still feeling bad today and I'd like to try to do something to make things easier for us both.

[Littleleft]

I'm having some difficulty with my SO/pwBPD whilst I'm away visiting family in another country. My previous post here gives some info/background - https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=225614.msg12435031#msg12435031

So after he suggested we didn't speak/Skype, it was ok just texting for a couple of days, but has gone back to how it was at first with repeated texts and definite dysregulation.  Yesterday his texts in the morning we're fine. Then the evening ones were fine at first. He'd text to say goodnight and I did the same. Then he sent me a picture of the huge plate of chicken wings he'd eaten, and the conversation went like this

Me - 'wow, you'll be dreaming of chickens tonight then! Ha ha!'

Him - 'I only dream about you'

Me - 'ahh, I only dream about you too! Maybe I'll be eating chicken wings tonight though! He he!'

Him - 'no that not sexy'

Then again straight away 'your clearly busy don't worry'

Me - 'sorry, not busy, just trying to have a laugh. Night honey'

Him - you eating chicken is not sexy don't worry

Him - why are you doing this to me

(I was trying to have a laugh and definitely didn't want to be sexy, there hasn't been anything in our relationship that's made me feel like that for a long time, and he doesn't understand how the very frequent rages, anger, verbal and emotional abuse has taken its toll)

Then 8 texts straight after each other demanding to know if I was going to finish with him, saying I'm mentally abusing him, that I'm not telling the truth, I'm tying to 'finish him off', that I keep kicking him down, that I'm punishing him, being selfish, that it's not fair that I've said I won't speak to him when he's like this, 'I've got an emotion disorder and you do this' and it carried on.

I did text him to say it's not over  that it's not good for us to have these conversations and best to talk when things are calmer. I told him I love him and don't want things to get worse between us (as things are at crisis point with how everything's been over the last couple of years), so I won't keep replying to these texts which is just the same as me leaving the house when I'm at home to stop things getting out of hand. I had tried some validation in an earlier text too, but it didn't seem to make a difference.

So I'm looking for a bit of help really, as I'll be away another couple of weeks and would like him to feel better and for me to be able to enjoy my time with my family without the constant stress of how he's going to behave.  Should I try to use SET? And any suggestions how to do that?  I'd really appreciate any help.

He's ignored the text I sent him this morning, so he's still feeling bad today and I'd like to try to do something to make things easier for us both.

[Littleleft]

I'd really appreciate some help and any suggestions at all that any one may have. Thanks

[InSearchofMe]

Hi Littleleft,

So sorry that you are having to deal with this while you are trying to enjoy time with your family.

Of course you want him to feel better while you are gone.  Not just for yourself but for him because you care about him and do not like to see him in so much pain.  The thing that is hardest for me to accept is that when my BPDh is dysregulated like this, there really isn't anything I can do to help him feel better.  By simply participating in these conversations, I am validating the invalid. I am saying, "Yes, you are right.  I am responsible for how you feel and I can and should fix it."  The reality is, it doesn't matter what I say or do when he is like this, he will not hear what I say and it will not be enough and he will continue to bounce around to different things because discussion of the last topic did not change the way he feels.  So I have to disengage from the situation.

The first thing I would suggest is work on some radical acceptance.  Accept that he is going to feel bad and you cannot fix it.  Accept that he will probably continue to blow up your phone with negative texts.

Then, enforce your boundaries.  When he dysregulates, let him know (again) that you will not participate in the conversation and you will check in with him later.  And then stop. And not just stop replying to the barrage of negative texts, stop reading them.  Turn off your phone if you have to.  This is the part that is really for you.  If you keep reading them, you haven't really disengaged from the situation.  Go enjoy your family (or at least try).  You being emotionally engaged in the situation doesn't help either one of you.

[Littleleft]

Thanks for helping again InSearchofMe! I really needed to hear that to reassure me that what I've been doing so far by trying to set my boundary and then not replying was ok. And it's also good to hear that it's not under my control to change how he's feeling and behaving. I do know this really, but it's so easy to forget when you're in the midst of it isn't it?

It's so difficult isn't it?  I've tried not to read the texts too, for the most part I've been not reading them as it's happening but I must admit I still look at them later!

That's a great suggestion about radical acceptance, thank you. Youre completely right, I'm still thinking I can do something about it sometimes, so working on radical acceptance would be a great help.

I was thinking I could maybe use SET when things are calmer, but maybe less is more at the moment. Maybe it's best to just keep chat with him simple.

I feel like i am managing to detach somewhat, but it feels like the more I can do that, the more I'm almost shutting down my feelings towards him, so it seems like I'm completely detaching in all ways - is that something you've been through, or is that indicative of where I am in the r/s now?

Thanks to the advice you gave me before I have been able to enjoy some time with my family more than I was at the very beginning of the trip and your advice in this post will help me further, I really do appreciate it.  I know that had I not found this site and been able to post here and get that advice I would have just JADEed, not attempted to set boundaries at all - because I had no idea that was something I needed to do, I thought I was doing the right thing in trying to talk to him and listening to how he was feeling even when he was being very hurtful, and it used to wreck any time away. It still makes me anxious and stressed and plays on my mind a lot, but it really helps to be able to talk to people like you InSearchofMe!  Thank you soo much!  

[InSearchofMe]

Yes, it is difficult to remember these things and to practice them consistently.  It is through fits and starts that we can develop new habits of coping.  Part of the reason I spend lots of time reading all of the boards here is because I never know when I may read something that will strike a chord and help me continue to get better.  And I know it is easier to help someone else have some objectivity on their situation than it is to have it on my own.

I feel like i am managing to detach somewhat, but it feels like the more I can do that, the more I'm almost shutting down my feelings towards him, so it seems like I'm completely detaching in all ways - is that something you've been through, or is that indicative of where I am in the r/s now?

I had to think on this one.  I think for me, I was so enmeshed that when I started to pull off the multiple and tangled tentacles of the enmeshment it felt like I was detaching in all ways.  Partly, I think I feel this way because detaching even a little is so foreign after living for years (unknowingly) in such an enmeshed state. And some days it still feels that way.  and some days I feel I am in a pretty healthy place with a balance of love and detachment.  Other days it feels like I am back in the middle of enmeshment.  So even after thinking on it, I guess i really don't have an answer to your question only a new perspective on how I have felt regarding this.

[seeking balance]

SET  - yes, it is good to practice that here.

Texting is tricky for validating - way too open for interpretation, sometimes, we have to just not make things worse, and you did do this 

The point of SET is to validate his emotional state - when he started "spinning" what do you think his emotion may have been?

It would look sort of like this:

I am sorry your are feeling like I am not being sexy for you, that must be (pick emotion here to show empathy - frustrating, sad, etc).

Truth statement:

My intent was light humor and laughter before we went to sleep.

To be honest, you handled it pretty well.  When he went into the victim mode (why are you doing this to me) - a validating comment can be helpful if it doesn't spin out of control - with texting, this is really tricky.

Practice here from the place where he says, chicken wings is not sexy why are you doing that to me:

You say:

I am sorry you feel XYZ

That must be XYZ

Honestly, I was XYX

fill in the xyz and we can pick up from there.

[Littleleft]

Thanks InSearchofMe.  I get the enmeshment thing! We've been together 12 years, living together for most it it (cos surprise everything progressed quickly in our r/s!) and I'm now realising that things have been dyfunctional for a large part of it too!

Hi seeking balance! That's a good point about texting, it is way too open for interpretation! Thanks for the encouragement and offer of help with SET.

Here goes:

I am sorry you feel like I'm avoiding being sexy

That must make you feel like I'm rejecting you

Honesty I was just having a laugh before we said goodnight

How's that?

[seeking balance]

Hi seeking balance! That's a good point about texting, it is way too open for interpretation! Thanks for the encouragement and offer of help with SET.

Here goes:

I am sorry you feel like I'm avoiding being sexy

That must make you feel like I'm rejecting you

Honesty I was just having a laugh before we said goodnight

How's that?

Remember, texting - not really the best way for this to play out.

Possible reactions by him... . yes, I feel rejected - you are always rejecting me (insert rant here)

or... . No, I don't feel rejected, I feel like you don't love me... .

or... . oh, ok goodnight

Remember, whatever he says - validate his emotion, and restate the truth - don't get into JADE (hard to do, I know).

When things are calm, try using DEARMAN as a way to state your boundaries around text rants - again, these things take a lot of practice. 

Kudos to you for practicing!

Cheers,

SB

[Littleleft]

Thank you so much SB, I'll keep trying! Will have another look at DEARMAN too and try to get a plan for how to use it. Thank you so much for your help 

[Littleleft]

Remember, whatever he says - validate his emotion, and restate the truth - don't get into JADE (hard to do, I know).

Hi SB - just a quick question about this part of your last post to me - what is the difference between restating the truth and JADEing? It always feels like I need to say something to establish the truth in these situations but how do I do that but not JADE?

Thanks!

[seeking balance]

Remember, whatever he says - validate his emotion, and restate the truth - don't get into JADE (hard to do, I know).

Hi SB - just a quick question about this part of your last post to me - what is the difference between restating the truth and JADEing? It always feels like I need to say something to establish the truth in these situations but how do I do that but not JADE?

Thanks!

Can you give me context or an example to work from?