Its going on 3 weeks now since my husband has gone off the deep end. Of course threatening me with divorce and a whole bunch of other things like turning off my car insurance and phone. I of course have no idea why this is all happening, I have my guess, but I really don't know for sure why Im painted PITCH BLACK out of nowhere. I think he was set off because I am buying a motorcycle. He has been saying for the last few years how he's wanted one. I work in the motorcycle industry and not all, but a big reason why I am now learning how to ride and why I bought one is because it will help me to a lot more in my job. My boss is not only giving me an unbelievable deal, he's also taking it out of my commission only paycheck. Makes it very affordable for me. I would never be able to do it without my boss's help. I am a apparel and ecommerce manager for a big european bike dealership and have been for about 2 years now.
My H, for as long as I have known him, going on 10 + years, has always been in some sort of "band". He plays music and from the very beginning made it clear to me, that music is his #1 priority. Since that's how it's always been, I don't fight that, and never have. It's something that brings him happiness, if anything possibly can. So for the entire relationship, especially the last 3 years, he has left the house 4 times a week or more for "practice". Before we were married and after, he has spent countless amounts of money on music. He even spent $500 bucks on a tattoo while we were trying to save money to buy our own house. I don't have an expensive hobby like he does. I like to shop as much as the next girl, but I don't buy anything more than $20 at a time, and that is maybe only 1 or 2 times a week, if that. I can't not even tell you before buying this motorcycle when the last time it was when I spent more than $100 on just myself. Since he spends so much of his free time as shows and practice, I have a lot of time to myself. Which I have come to enjoy quite a bit. I have never been one of those girls that is really clingy to their H's or BF's. The few times I do go to his shows, he refuses to put me on the list at the door, making me pay the cover and door fees when no one else in his band does that to their significant others. He even goes as far to tell me not to talk to him when I do go because this is his "job" and he's working. So I don't go that often anymore. Since I have such an awesome job, and great people who I work with, on Friday nights I have been staying and hanging out with everyone after my work day is over. We get pizza and beer and just have a good time hanging out. It's a bunch of us including the owners I work for and my H is usually never home on Fridays nights anyways because of his practice or shows. I have naturally become quite close with all the people I work with. So now that I will be a motorcycle rider like everyone else I work with, we all have something in common. So he has his own life and I have mine. He has spent money on stuff and now I have as well. I have told him repeatedly how much he needs in order to get a bike and what he needs to do and he chooses to spend his money on other things. I have been at my job for 2 years and he has yet to even step foot into my work. But yet he wants my boss to give him a deal on a bike? or let him barrow one to take his test on? I don't think so. If he would stop spending so much money on his music equipment, he could have more than enough money to get a bike.
The morning of this last outburst, his car broke down. Of course I don't care at all about our finances and I have no priorities is what he tells me and finally I yelled back. I may have a cool job where its fun, but I also work my butt off too. I work very hard for the money I bring in. I go every week surviving off just enough cash to be able to put gas in my car, all the rest goes directly into my H's hands for bills. The morning of his car breaking down, I rearranged my day, my dads day and someone else I work with so he could still work with no problems. When I got home, he kept going on and on about how much I don't care and what a piece of ___ I am. This is when I snapped a little and started to yell back. But i only said I wasn't going to let him speak to me that way anymore and that I wasn't his punching bag. I did go to the bedroom to get away from him when things started getting out of control and he followed me, screaming at me. I tried closing the door and he told me "don't you dare shut doors in my house, this is my house"! It isn't. If anything, its our together. But by this time I had already told him I will return to the conversation when he can talk to me with respect and didn't say one more word to him. He came back at me with " I don't want to be with you anymore, go f-ing chew on that". I pretended like I didn't hear him and put my headphones in. 2 nights later when I got home from work he came at me again making some sort of ridiculous accusations and making demands for more money from me. Again, pretended like I didn't hear him. This made him rage more, and he started threatening divorce for the first time that day. He also came into the bedroom where I was and grabbed my phone charger off the ground "cuz he paid for it". 2 more days later he sent me a text telling me that in 2 days I will need to get car insurance (which I did). To which I replied thanks for letting me know and that was it.
About a day or so later, he then started with the phone threats. I need my phone for work so I'm really trying to get set up elsewhere before he just interrupts my service. So I called AT&T and asked them if there was a way to switch the billing over into my name and there is a very simple way to do it online, but of course I needed my H's permission in order to do it. I sent him 2 texts asking him to give me the log in information so I could get my phone out of his name so he wouldn't be responsible for it anymore just like he wanted and he just ignored me. I get texts notifications when payments are made on my phone because my number was originally going to be his so I know that he paid the whole phone bill. But he is now refusing to take any kind of money from me now because he thinks that will help him get our house we rent, all to himself. He really doesn't understand the whole marriage thing, he thought he could give me 30 days notice and I would have to leave,
! He has probably told me to get out about 5 or 6 times since this first happened. I have told him very calmly that if he is choosing to not be in this marriage then he is more than welcome to leave himself but I will not be leaving just because he decides to give up one day for no good reason. He can divorce me and then when we end up in front of a judge, the judge can decided who can stay and who has to go, if our landlords haven't already kicked him out by then.
Last night he wasn't home, at one of his shows where he plays in front of the bartender and her bf only, you know, big important shows. He already took it upon himself to destroy all our wedding pictures that were in the living room and removed all of my stuff from the bookcase. He was also sleeping on the couch and I was sleeping in the bedroom, well am sleeping in the bedroom. Since its so hard to get ready in the morning now that he has taken up the living room as his bedroom, I decided to put my vanity and getting ready stuff into the bedroom. I also took the fan that has been in my bedroom since I was probably 16, that my H had been using. He didn't come home till about 4 in the morning and of course came right in the room where I was sleeping and took the fan back. I don't know how, but I was awake enough to comprehend what was going on and I got up and attempted to take the fan back. He grabbed it right out of my hands and was refusing to let me take it back. I wasn't going to fight with him over it so I just let him have it. He then went off the deep end yet again at 6 am this morning. The bed was "his" and the couch is "mine" so he came in the bedroom and said "if you want to play games lets play games" and proceeded to take off all the bedding and threw it on the ground. Then took both mattress off and put them in the living room. When he moved the box spring, he saw all the wedding stuff I was trying to protect from being destroyed in one of his rages and took a wooded board that holds up the mattress and started smashing all the pictures and breakable. I finally started getting upset at this point because not 12 hours earlier I had just put them there with the hopes they would be saved. I asked him why he was doing this and all he said was "because I f-ing hate you". I surprised myself that I was able to say to him calmy, well this is still your choice to leave the marriage but I don't understand why he can't just leave me or divorce me, why does he have to punish me, punish me so hard and I don't even know what I did that could create such hatred for the person you married. Yesterday I tried sending him an email telling him that I still loved him, that I wanted to be with him and only him and I will still be here when he's ready to talk to me calmly. He didn't respond.
I'm besides myself at this point. I have tried everything. I have tried ignoring which only seems to make him angrier, I tried listening to him and giving him what he wants, I have tried validating him, soothing him, telling him I love him. And with every nice word I say to him I get 3 harsh ones punched back in my face. There is just no way to calm him down. He really is going to throw away everything we have together and for nothing. How do you calm someone down who is that angry for no reason?
