Have to break NC

[Depression = 72% of members]

My son was just accepted into the Faculty of Education which is great news but it means I now have to talk to my wife. I need settle our financial situation. I was hoping to put it off as long as I could but she has the savings account with the money to pay for his next year of university.

I guess it's better to just get it over with, I forsee alot of anger from her but where the kids are concerned its unavoidable.

[grover11]

My son was just accepted into the Faculty of Education which is great news but it means I now have to talk to my wife. I need settle our financial situation. I was hoping to put it off as long as I could but she has the savings account with the money to pay for his next year of university.

I guess it's better to just get it over with, I forsee alot of anger from her but where the kids are concerned its unavoidable.

[talithacumi]

You might want to post a duplicate of this message on the parenting board, but do you mind if I ask why your son can't contact/make arrangements with her himself to get the money to pay for his next year of university?

[Mutt]

My son was just accepted into the Faculty of Education which is great news but it means I now have to talk to my wife. I need settle our financial situation. I was hoping to put it off as long as I could but she has the savings account with the money to pay for his next year of university.

I guess it's better to just get it over with, I forsee alot of anger from her but where the kids are concerned its unavoidable.

Hi grover11,

I have young 3 kids w/ uBPDex and No Contact is not possible but Minimal Contact and Controlled Contact is reality. I parallel parent and I keep it extremely close to NC. You're right on target when it comes to the kids, some things cannot be avoided.

How are you doing? What concerns do you have for her acting out behaviors?

[grover11]

You might want to post a duplicate of this message on the parenting board, but do you mind if I ask why your son can't contact/make arrangements with her himself to get the money to pay for his next year of university?

We had told him we would pay his tuition when he started University and the money had been put away for his next year before I left. I don't want him to worry about it and I'm not going to get him involved in the financial dealings between her and I.

[grover11]

My son was just accepted into the Faculty of Education which is great news but it means I now have to talk to my wife. I need settle our financial situation. I was hoping to put it off as long as I could but she has the savings account with the money to pay for his next year of university.

I guess it's better to just get it over with, I forsee alot of anger from her but where the kids are concerned its unavoidable.

Hi grover11,

I have young 3 kids w/ uBPDex and No Contact is not possible but Minimal Contact and Controlled Contact is reality. I parallel parent and I keep it extremely close to NC. You're right on target when it comes to the kids, some things cannot be avoided.

How are you doing? What concerns do you have for her acting out behaviors?

I just think the conversation will start at "Come back, give me another chance, i've changed" etc to a very angry expletive riddled rant when she finds out I'm not going back.

I'm doing ok considering, but I still feel some guilt and this will probably bring on more guilt. I guess I'm fortunate in that I have a pretty good idea of what's coming now I'll just have to deal with it.

[Mutt]

You have a long history together and were married with her for many years   You care for your spouse and this is not easy and it takes time.  I could have the times wrong but I think you left her late April? Detaching takes time. Take care of you for now, try to not worry about her insecurities. Uphold your boundaries with the strength that you have. The emotional barrage on her part will be difficult in the following months from the divorce. If I can make a suggestion, check in here and simply vent and share what is going on. It helped me tremendously.


You made a very difficult choice and had the courage to execute on that decision. How are your sons? I recall you had a teenager that was blaming you?

[grover11]

You have a long history together and were married with her for many years   You care for your spouse and this is not easy and it takes time.  I could have the times wrong but I think you left her late April? Detaching takes time. Take care of you for now, try to not worry about her insecurities. Uphold your boundaries with the strength that you have. The emotional barrage on her part will be difficult in the following months from the divorce. If I can make a suggestion, check in here and simply vent and share what is going on. It helped me tremendously.


You made a very difficult choice and had the courage to execute on that decision. How are your sons? I recall you had a teenager that was blaming you?

Yes it was a long marriage (by today's standards) 24 years. You are right and I know it's not my responsibility to worry about how she handles her emotions (I am coming to realize it never was) and I'm hoping I can settle the financial issues and just move on.

My older son still has not spoken to me since late April. I did sent him a text a couple weeks ago letting him know I love him and asking how he's doing, I told him he knows how to get ahold of me if he decides to. He did respond that he loves me too and asked how I was doing.I told him I was fine but missed seeing him. The texts ended there but I see some light there and I just have to give him time and space to deal with this his own way.

Thanks for you support, I really do appreciate it!

[Mutt]

I'm hoping I can settle the financial issues and just move on.

Do you have an L to settle your marital assets and finances? I'm Canadian like. Matt, Foreverdad, Livednlearned over on the Legal Board have practical advise when it comes to divorcing a pwBPD and their acting out and patterns still apply irregardless of living in Canada or America. Be prepared and document, document, document because she will be an entirely different person that you have known for the last 24 years if her fear of abandonment was triggered.

The texts ended there but I see some light there and I just have to give him time and space to deal with this his own way.

You're a good dad   Divorce is not easy on a family.

Thanks for you support, I really do appreciate it!

You're welcome. Hang in there.

[grover11]

Do you have an L to settle your marital assets and finances? I'm Canadian like. Matt, Foreverdad, Livednlearned over on the Legal Board have practical advise when it comes to divorcing a pwBPD and their acting out and patterns still apply irregardless of living in Canada or America. Be prepared and document, document, document because she will be an entirely different person that you have known for the last 24 years if she was abandoned.

Actually I'm Canadian too (Winnipeg).

We had separated once before and at that time she was given the house and I was given my pension. Now that the kids are adults and she already has the house (we never changed anything when we got back together) all we need to do is decide what to do with the portion of my pension from when we got back together till now(it's not that much).

I am offering to pay her car off and giver her a pretty decent amount every month till her house is paid off (another 4 years) and we can split the remaining 3 years of tuition for our youngest.

Fortunately this avoids us having to get family lawyers involved as it's pretty straight forward, I'm hoping she will realize she will come out ahead by leaving my pension alone.

[Mutt]

Do you have an L to settle your marital assets and finances? I'm Canadian like. Matt, Foreverdad, Livednlearned over on the Legal Board have practical advise when it comes to divorcing a pwBPD and their acting out and patterns still apply irregardless of living in Canada or America. Be prepared and document, document, document because she will be an entirely different person that you have known for the last 24 years if she was abandoned.

Actually I'm Canadian too (Winnipeg).

We had separated once before and at that time she was given the house and I was given my pension. Now that the kids are adults and she already has the house (we never changed anything when we got back together) all we need to do is decide what to do with the portion of my pension from when we got back together till now(it's not that much).

I am offering to pay her car off and giver her a pretty decent amount every month till her house is paid off (another 4 years) and we can split the remaining 3 years of tuition for our youngest.

Fortunately this avoids us having to get family lawyers involved as it's pretty straight forward, I'm hoping she will realize she will come out ahead by leaving my pension alone.

I modified my post and meant if her fear of abandonment was triggered and not that you abandoned her. My apologies 

I'm over in Alberta grover11  

I'm going to be straightforward. If she is BPD she will not realize because she is mentally ill. You have been no contact with her for 2 months now? Has she sent email bombs, phone calls, harassing voicemails, guilted you, tried to get the kids to side against you and the like?

[grover11]

I'm going to be straightforward. If she is BPD she will not realize because she is mentally ill. You have been no contact with her for 2 months now? Has she sent email bombs, phone calls, harassing voicemails, guilted you, tried to get the kids to side against you and the like?

Actually she just sent a couple emails the first few days and nothing since which really surprises me. She texted my son and told him she couldn't talk to me till July 11th which make me think maybe she is getting a lawyer. She doesn't know yet that she can only go after a very small part of my pension (maybe 2 years worth) but she should be getting a letter from my pension plan informing her of this soon. I think she may see that it isn't worth fighting over such a small amount but if she does I guess I'll get a lawyer and let the chips fall where they may.I beleive if she pushes this to court she will get less than I offered and either way my sanity is worth whatever happens.