Encouragement, advice, something?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

So it's been since the 10th that I've seen him and since last Friday that we've had any contact. I am still in some denial about the whole thing. I keep wanting to figure out a way that we could make it work. Reading about others experiences, he doesn't seem to be BPD as "bad" as others. He's a super sensitive emotional person and, yes he dysregulates and gets ANGRY but he has never said the horrible mean things or done terrible things like spread rumors etc about me. His abuse is more silent treatment and breaking up with me OVER AND OVER AND OVER again.

He cheated and the girl emailed me last fall. We broke up and, of course, got back together. He was mostly good until the beginning of May. Then he "needed time" and left for 3 weeks and started calling / texting / etc to get me back, claiming we weren't broken up.

I hate all this so much because he can be genuine and nice and it makes me believe he isn't f'd up like he is. Our last email exchange was pleasant and he was being really nice. Then I just looked through all our emails and saw the photos the girl he cheated with sent me when she outed him.

I have an overwhelming urge to email her and tell he all of this. Bad idea right?

He lied, a lot about a lot of serious things. I don't know why that and the cheating AND all the other abuse isn't enough for me to realize I don't want to be with him.

I still do.

I hate it.

I also can't figure out how all this happened. I am not a weak person, I have a very high self esteem (maybe bordering on narcissim) I don't feel bad or sorry for him and certainly don't want to rescue him.

He's not a great catch, other than how well we got along. He was the only person who I could do everything with. He makes all my friends seem so lacking. THAT is the part that kills me. I could ask him to go to the most boring, unfun thing EVER and he'd be down and we'd have FUN.

When it was good it was so good.

Yeah that's what everyone here says right?

Don't know what I'm looking for, some encouraging words to stay the course? Something... .

[Veronykah]

So it's been since the 10th that I've seen him and since last Friday that we've had any contact. I am still in some denial about the whole thing. I keep wanting to figure out a way that we could make it work. Reading about others experiences, he doesn't seem to be BPD as "bad" as others. He's a super sensitive emotional person and, yes he dysregulates and gets ANGRY but he has never said the horrible mean things or done terrible things like spread rumors etc about me. His abuse is more silent treatment and breaking up with me OVER AND OVER AND OVER again.

He cheated and the girl emailed me last fall. We broke up and, of course, got back together. He was mostly good until the beginning of May. Then he "needed time" and left for 3 weeks and started calling / texting / etc to get me back, claiming we weren't broken up.

I hate all this so much because he can be genuine and nice and it makes me believe he isn't f'd up like he is. Our last email exchange was pleasant and he was being really nice. Then I just looked through all our emails and saw the photos the girl he cheated with sent me when she outed him.

I have an overwhelming urge to email her and tell he all of this. Bad idea right?

He lied, a lot about a lot of serious things. I don't know why that and the cheating AND all the other abuse isn't enough for me to realize I don't want to be with him.

I still do.

I hate it.

I also can't figure out how all this happened. I am not a weak person, I have a very high self esteem (maybe bordering on narcissim) I don't feel bad or sorry for him and certainly don't want to rescue him.

He's not a great catch, other than how well we got along. He was the only person who I could do everything with. He makes all my friends seem so lacking. THAT is the part that kills me. I could ask him to go to the most boring, unfun thing EVER and he'd be down and we'd have FUN.

When it was good it was so good.

Yeah that's what everyone here says right?

Don't know what I'm looking for, some encouraging words to stay the course? Something... .

[willbegood]

Many of us have gone through so many breakups that we can't count that high. We all have to make the decision as to when enough is enough.

I think the genuinely nice person is what throws us for such a loop. How can such a nice person do the things they do?

What helped me is first trying to understand what BPD is. Next is when I finally started looking at myself and trying to figure out what is wrong with me. When someone hurts you over and over and you continue to make excuses and overlook it, first you say there's something wrong with them. Then you realize there's something wrong with you for accepting to be treated that way.

[Blimblam]

Thank you changingman for the encouraging words... .

Blimblam, I wish I could   you right now.  I have known about BPD for years and years now, and even though I understand it (as much as I logically can) and have lived through so many experiences with a BPD person, I am at rock bottom right now.  I think my posts might convey that I am far into the healing process, but I must admit, I am in shambles. 

Some part of me is healing, I know that, and can sense it, very very quiet, like a little whisper.  But everyday is a fight to survive, a fight to not wish I were dead.  I relate so much to your pain and disillusionment--so much.  I relate to how you felt your current ex, although so unbearably cruel in the end, was like no other to you.  She was different, you felt that---you adored her, truly and wholly, without any hidden motives, without any pretense, without any mask that you could switch out at a moment's notice if things got "too intense."

The process of detaching from a person we have loved this intensely will never come in one step---it is a thousand steps, a thousand heart-wrenching realisationss, and re-realisations... .an exhausting tumult of having to keep fighting back the urge to hold on to the beautiful words and gestures as the "reality."  Trying to convince the heart   that the reality was something incomprehensibly different---is nearly impossible in the early stages of grief.  Time has to intervene---and we have to surrender to time's invisible healing hand, even though that hand moves things along so painstakingly slow.

I am walking this treacherous path with you, stumbling, falling, bruising my legs, skinning my hands, crying and crying.  I will say right now that even the death of my boyfriend of 5 years--a very sudden an unexpected death when he was just 28---even that was not as painful as this.  And I cannot believe I would ever say anything like that--could never imagine anything worse than that experience, but somehow THIS IS.  It really is.  I am shocked and terrified that it is.

And the myriad of reasons why---are echoed in all the stories and heartache I read on this forum, crying and nodding, feeling like I am reading my own words, my own pain---that my voice is echoed in your voice, your hurt, and your wounds, and vice versa.

It is so very hard for others who have not been through this kind of relationship to truly understand the depths of the agony experienced when we are forced to detach--either by walking away, or by being sent away. 

I try to remember that my PD was sending me away every single day.  Not just once, but a hundred times over.  From the big to the small, she was dismissing me, devaluing me, discarding me, in a repeated process that sometimes was so subtle, I didn't even notice it.  Maybe it appeared to be a little humorous "jab."  Maybe it took the form of dangling all of her past exploits in front of me, stories of wild nights, and people who made passes at her, people who called her "sex on a stick" and on and on.  Maybe it was disguised as "sharing" her art with me, women models  posing in Kama Sutra positions---her renditions of them, and how she called them "boring" and "soulless" when I knew deep down she was relishing the sexual charge she got drawing them, relishing how small and uncertain I might feel seeing all of that, and the special status she got as an artist.  She demeaned every single model as "empty"----I will always think it was to hide that she really was aroused by them, and had to pretend they were nothing so as not to let me into her secret world, make me feel "special" that I was "loved" by her, and they were nothing but empty husks.

I am rambling a little here, but trying to get to the heart of this pain.  I think of a PD as a collection of well-worn habits---devastatingly harmful ones---that have worked for them time and again, with vulnerable people, people with empathy, people willing to turn the other cheek until there really is no cheek left to turn----replaced what feels like what we feel now---just a ghost, or a skeleton---something sucked completely dry of our life force... .Nothing left to give... .after so much has felt violated and betrayed and abused.

A PD will not enmesh with someone unwilling to put up with their abuse--if a person denies them after one  flies, the PD will dismiss them, and continue the pursuit to find a willing host.  It always ends up being people who identify so  much with being the giver, the compassionate, willing, patient, loving, tender, understanding soft-hearted soul that the PD is both drawn to and repelled by. 

It is sobering and shattering to wake up each day and have that harsh reality slam us in the face---we were not so much as loved, as we were just NEEDED... .we could provide something for them when they needed it, when it suited them, when it served them.  And when that need evaporated for whatever reason (justified by them in countless creative, cruel or confusing ways) they cut and run.  When the need resurfaced and they remembered we had once filled that need, they came back----selfishly, disregarding how it would rip our hearts open again after we had been trying so hard to pick up the pieces on our own---with no help or remorse on their part, no ownership of their part in the dissolution of the bond that felt so incredibly alive and real when we were being idealised.

I think so much of what happens in a PD relationship, as in any abusive relationship, is that the abuse becomes "normalised" over time.  It is an unconscious process on our part, but I think for the PD, there is a level of awareness there.  I am not sure how much, but I know there must be some.  They push a boundary, test our reaction, and when we allow it, they push a little more.  Pretty soon we know something is horribly awry, we can even have blazing moments of clarity when we see the abuse for what it is, but it has become so "normal" that we find ways to justify it, or blame ourselves, or overlook it when we get presented with the loving "mask" once again---charming often weakens our resolve, cuts straight to our hearts, and makes us feel like we have a chance to once again regain that sacred, special status we once held for them, way back in the honeymoon, lovebombing phase.

The desperate need to return to that status---no matter how much we are being slayed emotionally--is what keeps us in some of these connections so long.  It is SO HUMAN to want to be loved, cherished, comforted, adored---to belong, to feel important.  Normal, healthy people provide this for us on a CONSISTENT basis.  The allure of a PD is that it is ever-changing.  We never know which mask we will get, but we end up settling for crumbs, waiting for the day when the crumbs become the beautiful, enchanting cake we thought we once were sharing---delighting in---together.

At the root of this is, as I have read here, is that lost little child inside all of us---seeking that unconditional love and adoration we either had received fully as children, or maybe terribly inconsistently, or not at all.  In any of these cases, the mirroring of a PD activates that "coda" deep within--that feeling we once had as little children when were bonding with a parent at a very primordial, deep level----a bonding that our very survival depended on, even if that bonding was uncertain, chaotic, unsafe, or damaging.  We had no other choice but to depend on this adult---and seeking to be in favour with them, seeking love and protection from them, was instinctual. 

I think many of us here have had difficult and painful childhood experiences that primed us to attach to lover who would activate all those old feelings of shame, rejection, loneliness, dismissal, devaluation---that we may have suffered as tender young souls.

A BPD, with the same wounds and hurts, sees them within us, and bonds hard and fierce with us as a result.  It seems that this bonding would be intensely healing, as both people recognise they share a similar background, and finding love and protection in a love relationship would be a way to face those demons together, side-by-side.  But whereas our wounds steered us toward the direction of empathy, the wounds of the BPD steered them toward the direction of empathy-shut-down.  No empathy at all, only the ability to fake it when needed.  It is all so very confusing when we see the BPD crying and shaking, so small and vulnerable----doesn't this mean they feel like we do, feel all that pain, and can therefore relate to ours?

Sadly, and tragically,  no.  They truly can only feel at the level of a toddler--You will notice that toddlers are raging or crying on  minute, then the next, they are laughing and cooing as if nothing happened.  They release the emotion and move on.  They do not yet  have the ability to control their emotions, self-soothe, analyse why they react the way they do.  They just react.  And then move on.  It is a normal step in human development---for a toddler, but when that stage gets stuck inside an adult body, there is never any chance for self-reflection and growth, for being able to relate to grown-up emotions and emotional reasoning.  There is no chance for empathy to flourish, because the world of a toddler is self-centred until s/he begins to understand that the people around them also have needs and feelings of their own.

A BPD can pretend to understand, can pretend very well for often astonishing periods of time, but when you seek the proof and validation that they understand, you get the void. The smirk.  The blank looks.  The rages.  The projection.  You get knocked down from the pedestal, and replaced.  A child gets bored with a toy that no longer interests him.  He throws it aside and demands a new one.  He needs something outside of himself to be amused and entertained, as his mind is learning how to think and feel and relate.

A BPD will forever be looking for the next "high"---the next new person to provide that magical world where everything is passion, and the "boring" day to day expectations and demands of a relationship are yet to solidify.  If and when they do decide to maintain a long-term connection, they seek thrills outside of it to help satisfy that constant craving for the "high" of the beginning stages of love.  Love for them can never move past the idealisation phase.  Once you are "promoted" to the primary position, they begin to demote you little by little by little in a hundred different ways.  And always, it is "your fault" for failing them.

I am typing so much here---just so much on my mind.  I know every BPD is different--some are more high functioning than others.  Some of  the traits I wrote about will not be exhibited, or may be exhibited in small bouts, or in huge ugly rages---or just quiet, slow mental and emotional abuse that eats away at you until you have no idea who you are, what you are, what has happened.

I am sorry to write so much here!  Just tremendous pain, and tremendous understanding for this grueling process of recovery.

Blimblam, I felt like you---"B" was like no other.  She really was.  Despite all the painful, painful things that happened, and the lack of empathy or care that I had to face in the end----she had so many beautiful, beautiful qualities.

Part of that is the truth of them---but it lies side by side with the dark, unfeeling, abusive sides of them---and because things are so severely split at times, it is so very hard to reconcile all the sides. 

Naturally, we are rooting for their beautiful side.  That is the side we love.  That is the side we wish they could always be.  But they cannot.  Having to come to that understanding takes so much courage... .

This is truly like facing a death---a death that keeps happening over and over and over.  To me, I imagine it like this:  knowing this person is dead, working so hard to get through the grief, and then suddenly having that person knock on your door one day, saying, "I didn't really die.  I am still alive."

And then the uncontrollable joy and relief that they are back!  They are not dead!  Oh, how the heart sings at this miracle that they are back in our arms!

But within days, months---that person dies again.  And we have to bury them all over again, grieve all over again.  We look to the door, hoping they will come knocking again---it was all a cruel joke, they are not really dead.

The cycle can go on for years.  Death, hope, death.  This IS like facing death.  It truly, truly is, but on a much deeper and more insidious level that I cannot even describe now... .

Praying so hard that time will be on all of our sides---and that hope will, too.

A special, tender person living and breathing right now, waiting to be received into our hearts, and waiting to receive us into their hearts... .without the slings and arrows, the poisons, the damage and the tears-----

Just beauty, honour, and  devotion, growing stronger by the day.  And yes, childlike joy and wonder mixed in---laughter and passion---that STAYS and strengthens----Love that is reciprocal----what a joy that will be.

[patientandclear]

Veronykah: it is super confusing. We jerk back and forth between things that just don't go together. "He is so sincere and I can tell he is hurting!" And also "wow, really a lot of lies!" And "he told another woman the same things he told me and I have no idea if I am really special or he's just really good at making me feel that way; maybe I'm special only because I stayed when others left, which may make me a chump, not special." (My ex's more delicate word for how i was a chump for staying and believing in him was that I was naive. Nice! But to illustrate the point of this post: sometimes the "naive" makes me so mad, because it seems like it means he knows he's treating me poorly and i take it; and sometimes I see it as reflecting his lack of self-worth and believing that he is no good and he's not sure why I care--and that makes me feel tender toward him.)

All of these have a real claim on our minds because they are all true at the same time. The fight to make one quiet down so you can listen to the other is endless.

I don't have a big conclusion ... .That is just what makes knowing what to do hard.

For me, it's come down to him having eventually put me in positions that feel really yucky. My gut says no. I think you have to really be attuned to your body and what it is telling you about where your line is.

[Veronykah]

(My ex's more delicate word for how i was a chump for staying and believing in him was that I was naive. Nice!

Funny, my ex told me more than once that if I'd cheated on him he would have never stayed. I always told him that sounded a whole lot like he was saying I was a dumb sucker for giving him another change. He would then insist that, no, it meant and showed how much I loved him and the relationship. Sigh.

[patientandclear]

(My ex's more delicate word for how i was a chump for staying and believing in him was that I was naive. Nice!

Funny, my ex told me more than once that if I'd cheated on him he would have never stayed. I always told him that sounded a whole lot like he was saying I was a dumb sucker for giving him another change. He would then insist that, no, it meant and showed how much I loved him and the relationship. Sigh.

Yeah.  See, this is one of the dynamics I find confusing -- I would try to discern what he wanted.  But after I time I could see that when I would do what he wanted, it wouldn't actually make things better -- and he would lose respect for me I think.  Sure, he "wants" that I endlessly pour out my love and commitment to him while he remains at arm's length, feeding me just enough to keep me there.  But when I do that, what do we have?  A relationship he can't believe in because (among many other deeper trauma-based reasons) he knows I shouldn't be doing what I'm doing.  Sure he wants that -- he wants you to continue to forgive him and commit to the relationship; and when he's not sure you will, as now, he dedicates himself to getting you to return to that position.  But once you are in that position, do you earn any loyalty for making that leap of faith?  No, almost the opposite.

I think this is the secret to why they mostly long for what they cannot have.  That person, the one they cannot have, is not currently draped with the negative implications of loving them.  It's such a waste and so unfair, but seems to be a deeply entrenched dynamic.  There are no points for loyalty.  Weirdly, there are points for maintaining true boundaries, even though they work and work and work to punish and deter and discourage your use of them.

[topknot]

Absolutely,  patientandclear.  I was always kept at arm's  length,  even when he lived here. And yes, there is no medal for loyalty.  The most I would get is, " I have history with you". Translation: "You are the only dumb bunny that has come back so many times after being kicked in the tush.  What's wrong with you anyway? Everyone else left after the first rodeo". Ugh... .

[Mutt]

I still do.

I hate it.

I'm sorry that you're having difficulties sorting out your feelings. We tend to get feel emotionally exausted by being on a rollercoaster with its up and downs. It's not a fun place to be. I found that there was an an addictive quality to my exe's feelings that wildly swung from one end of the spectrum to the other . Once I got off of the rollercoaster when she split me black, normal was difficult to adjust to. I hadn't felt it for seven years but that feeling you're describing went away after a few weeks of minimal contact.

[maternal]

I had pretty good self-esteem before my ex.  I don't blame him, I don't hate him, I don't think he's evil... .none of that, but I do think he pushed me out of the nest, so to speak, because he knew he'd never stop hurting me.  It's possible that I give him too much credit, but evidence points to this being the case (and yes, I know, we can't always trust the "evidence" with a sufferer of BPD, but ).  I own 50% of that relationship, and I made my share of mistakes... .but I never did anything so foul to him as cheating, etc.  He did that to me, many times, and I just sat there and took it.  He knew I didn't trust him, and he couldn't fathom why I'd want to remain with someone I didn't trust.  I didn't have an honest answer for that.  I truly loved him with all of me, more than anyone in my life, ever.  And he saw fit to disrespect that love over and over again.  He knew I was a chump for sticking with him.  And this is what destroyed my self-esteem.  I knew it was wrong, but I chose to stay anyway.  I knew he was no good for me, that I deserved so much better, but I chose to stick by him.  And it obliterated my self-worth, my self-esteem, my self-identity. 

That push/pull really did a number on me.  It was euphoria/abandonment, euphoria/abandonment over and over again.  And it made me crazy.  It made me feel like a psycho stalker weirdo.  Which was nothing like me previous to him.  I had no problem dropping people or walking away from situations which did not do me any good.  But not with him.  It was, and sometimes still is, so amazingly difficult to come to terms with.  He WANTS to be loved, I know he does, and he wants to love someone back, but he just can't.  And that makes me sad for him.

I had contact with another girl that I "shared" him with.  Worst idea ever.  She contacted me first, but subsequent communication with her only revealed very ugly things in the both of us.  Things which were not there previous to him.  it's a no-win.  Just like trying to reason with, understand or make sense of this disorder.

I don't even know if I made any sense in this post, but I guess I just needed to get that out. 

[Veronykah]

Maternal it totally made sense. For the past 2 days I've been thinking a lot about everything and after speaking with my T, I feel like not being with him is the best thing for me.

I don't think he destroyed my self esteem, fortunately I've always been very secure about myself so all his verbal abuse didn't change how I think about ME. I never believed it, and when he would come back he didn't either. Perhaps that is what allowed me to keep my self esteem/worth/identity? We both knew I was the "good" one in the relationship. He would get angry and pissed at me for being "perfect" and he'd say things like "you've been in therapy longer than me, of course you never do anything wrong". Which was true, and I never forgot it. Allowing him to treat me terribly, yeah in my mind it was just because I loved him and thought through sheer force of will I could MAKE this all work.

The depressing part is I now know it's a hopeless situation and am trying with radical acceptance to believe it. I've never been good at accepting things I don't want to believe are true so realizing he is mentally ill and there is nothing I can do about it has been one of the saddest experiences in my life. It's all so hopeless.

I know I should just stay out of his life and whatever he does to whoever he is with or not is not my concern. I keep trying to remind myself of that, whatever is going on with him is NOT my concern. He isn't my boyfriend, we aren't getting back together so who cares. It's so difficult after being so intertwined with someone though, especially someone SO demanding. To not be on constant alert to texting, returning phone calls, where I am, what I am doing in relation to him is strange. When he left before this it was a huge relief, I wish I could go back there.

I think the not hating him part is what is making this so hard, if I could just paint HIM black it would be much easier to get over all of this. Which I guess is why I keep thinking about the cheating, it's the only way I can make myself angry with him enough to not want him back.

The other really terrible thing about all this is seeing another ex recently. I hadn't seen him in 7 years and after hanging out for the day I broke down and told him what was going on with me and the uBPDexbf. He was so concerned that today my mother emailed me and said this: "Your ex wrote to me to tell me that you weren’t the girl he remembered either and he was worried about you. He said you really need to get away from uBPD, he’s f'ing up your life."

That was sobering. Yet another confirmation about how bad it REALLY was.

[Blimblam]

The other really terrible thing about all this is seeing another ex recently. I hadn't seen him in 7 years and after hanging out for the day I broke down and told him what was going on with me and the uBPDexbf. He was so concerned that today my mother emailed me and said this: "Your ex wrote to me to tell me that you weren’t the girl he remembered either and he was worried about you. He said you really need to get away from uBPD, he’s f'ing up your life."

That was sobering. Yet another confirmation about how bad it REALLY was.

Please, listen to them.  As a guy other guys would tell me to move on as some sort of guy code type thing.  They invalidated me though and I didn't listen.  I really did F up my life. My immediately family took her side. 

This message from them is a blessing and seems like they will validate you in the process. 

I know how incredibly hard it can be to not go back for more it is so twisted how positive emotions like hope, love and empathy can become the tools to your own demise.

Sadly you will never get closure from them or validation in the form of true understanding.  That reflects on them not you!  It is so hard to not internalize it as some sort of fault on your behalf and feel ashamed.


"[Veronykah] why do we fall?... .To learn to lift ourselves back up." --Alfred from Batman Begins