I finally called a realtor (and other things)

[toomanyeggshells]

This is a huge step for me in selling the house that uBPDbf and I own jointly.  The r/s is definitely over although we're still living together, although sleeping in separate rooms.  So why is it still so hard and why, after all the craziness, abuse, etc, am I still sad?  God knows I should be jumping for joy.  Get this realtor over to the house in the next day or two, list the house for sale and pray it goes quickly. 

He finally agreed to sell the house so I called the realtor.  All along, whenever he rages, he tells me to leave and that he's keeping the house.  That can't happen because neither of us can afford it on our own so it has to be sold.  For him to finally agree, I should be happy but I'm sad that its ending.  We've been living together for 5 years.  I thought he was such a great guy before we moved in together - and he was, until we moved in together.  I know how this mental illness goes.  They're wonderful people until it gets serious.  Its a textbook case of BPD.  I just finished reading Stop Caretaking the Borderline and it was an amazing book.  Really helped me see the light.  I know this is the best thing for both of us.  I can't continue on this road with him and all the craziness.

When I left for 2-3 days back in April, I made a list of 59 things that he's done to me in the time we've lived together.   I didnt even have to think that hard.  It just all came flowing back.  I could hardly write fast enough.  Writing it all down was to help me not go back, but of course I did.  He went through my purse recently (and I know he's done that before) and read the list.  I didn't care if he read it. I know he goes through my things so I purposely left the list in my purse for him to read.  Anyway, he screamed at me for rehashing all the things that "only happened once".  I made another copy of the list and highlighted the things that occur regularly like screaming about the way I dress, the way I eat, the fact that I exercise and his jealousy over everyone in my life.  Apparently, he didn't like that because he ripped up the copy and threw it away. 

Anyway, I know I'm better off getting the house sold and getting the hell out of this r/s.  Nothing good will come of it if i stay and things have been getting worse every day.  I feel like its one long extinction burst. 

[seeking balance]

Congrats on taking this big step.

Of course it is sad, even when we logically know it is in everyone's best interest for the relationship to end, doing it is really sad.  We don't go into this with the hopes of ending it... .

Yes, he will make this difficult, but stay the course.  Also, make sure to brush up on communication tools from staying, your right approach can help make things not get totally out of hand.  When I was able to apply them, those tools did work.

Peace,

SB

[toomanyeggshells]

Thanks SB.  I appreciate your support.  I will keep my side of the street as clean as possible and not let things go bad because I can just picture how bad things can get as we move forward with this.