how can we ?

[Depression = 72% of members]

i am not generalizing here. but how can some of us still deep inside want their ex back (including myself) ? my logic tells me that my ex is bad is really kick ass bad that if i see her in the street then i should cross the street and walk on the other side's pavement maybe just run away. after all this crazy making, lies, manipulation, belittling, drama, constant gaslighting. what the hell ? for me the logic is still far from the emotions. how can we want these creatures back or even miss them ?


maybe i dont want her back as a person. maybe as an idea (which i think it is still unhealthy) but it drives me crazy that i still think about her every second in the day. she is still running in my brain's background even when i am doing a task that needs focus.

[antjs]

i am not generalizing here. but how can some of us still deep inside want their ex back (including myself) ? my logic tells me that my ex is bad is really kick ass bad that if i see her in the street then i should cross the street and walk on the other side's pavement maybe just run away. after all this crazy making, lies, manipulation, belittling, drama, constant gaslighting. what the hell ? for me the logic is still far from the emotions. how can we want these creatures back or even miss them ?


maybe i dont want her back as a person. maybe as an idea (which i think it is still unhealthy) but it drives me crazy that i still think about her every second in the day. she is still running in my brain's background even when i am doing a task that needs focus.

[Mutt]

You raise a good question antony_james. I was scared of loneliness and that I could not find someone else? I was enmeshed with her and didn't know where she ended and I began after she left?

[Xstaticaddict]

I'm starting to understand more and more that it's not HER that i want back at all, but rather what I believed her to be, which was someone I could rely on and build a future with who accepted me. The sad reality for me was that I wanted that more than I wanted to accept the reality of who she really was. In hindsight i knew this right from the start but I bought in and spent 6 years trying to tame the crazy and putting out fires. Point is, there was a reason i settled in the first place and that was (as Mutt said) the discomfort of being alone and feeling unwanted and unloved, and having really crappy sex.

I second Mutts sentiments as well about not thinking I'll find someone that I'm as attracted to that will love me, but again it wasn't really authentic healthy nurturing love anyway, so again the answer comes back as self deception and distorted thinking regarding who and what they were in our lives but manifesting on an emotional level while the logical mind is screaming RUN!

I know what you mean about the frustration of thinking about her all the time. The thoughts can take me right out of a great mood simply because i would have shared the excitement with her at one time. I so wish there was a quick fix to the longing, but i guess that's the point, they were our quick fix to our deeper issues?

[antjs]

i feel like i have been living with tyler durden from fight club. its not real. it was the mirror of edward norton of who he wants to be (in our case how we want our partners). the problem here that most members express that their exs are not that one that they used to think they are during the idealization phase but they are rather demons and the real them is the one showed during the devaluation phase. personally, i think they are neither of these. they lack sense of self. both the idealization and devaluation are self defense mechanisms by the disorder. idealization for running away from feelings and devaluation for projection to skip self examination or facing self.

lets say theoretically that you partner is going to get treatment and stick to it. they will begin to develop a sense of self which will be different from what you have witnessed (and felt in love with !) during the idealization phase.


we loved some mirrors. we are all edward norton from fight club ladies and gentlemen.

[BorisAcusio]

we loved some mirrors. we are all edward norton from fight club ladies and gentlemen.

Every relationship involves this mechanism. We project out the good parts of our selves, the problem is, as you described, they completely lack those qualities.

[brokenbutalive]

I'm starting to realise that it was all physical for me. I didn't, and don't, like her as a person, but man I was, and still am, incredibly attracted to her.

Anyway, what I thought was love, was nothing of the sort. Not even close.

[BacknthSaddle]

I'm starting to realise that it was all physical for me. I didn't, and don't, like her as a person, but man I was, and still am, incredibly attracted to her.

Anyway, what I thought was love, was nothing of the sort. Not even close.

This was largely true for me as well.  I believed that I could turn that attraction into something larger, despite all evidence to the contrary, and that fantasy still nags at me.  Frankly I think I have a tendency to get too caught up in fantasy as is. 

I would add that, I think more than wanting her back, I want her to want me back.  Going to your earlier post, antony, about self-image. 

[antjs]

I'm starting to realise that it was all physical for me. I didn't, and don't, like her as a person, but man I was, and still am, incredibly attracted to her.

Anyway, what I thought was love, was nothing of the sort. Not even close.

i persuaded physical stuff with her too much, thats why i was told i was needy. for me i do not believe that i was into her just physically only nor that i was needy. i think i was using the intimacy and sex as a weapon to make her cling. a control issue that i am working on. when you feel it might go it's time to actually let go.

[antjs]

without any labels or too complicated description of us (nons). but i have a good label for that attachment  its neither attraction (likeness) nor true love. i think more of it as a traumatic bond. the heart wants what it knows it can not have right now.

[BorisAcusio]

I'm starting to realise that it was all physical for me. I didn't, and don't, like her as a person, but man I was, and still am, incredibly attracted to her.

Anyway, what I thought was love, was nothing of the sort. Not even close.

This was largely true for me as well.  I believed that I could turn that attraction into something larger, despite all evidence to the contrary, and that fantasy still nags at me.  Frankly I think I have a tendency to get too caught up in fantasy as is. 

I would add that, I think more than wanting her back, I want her to want me back.  Going to your earlier post, antony, about self-image. 

Incredibly beatiful, highly sexual, adventurous, fun. On a primate/instinctual level, that's what most men dream about their whole life.

[Narellan]

I don't think my ex was all mirrors. And the thing I miss the most about him was how funny he was. I loved his sense of humour. Almost everything he said made me laugh, even when he was devaluing someone, he did it with humour. I can't remember ever being so happy.

And yes AJ I wish I was still with him. I wish he hadnt lied cheated and betrayed me. I only had eyes for him. And he blew me off for my trampy friend. My head knows there's no going back, but I still miss him.

[grover11]

Maybe I'm very lucky but since I left I haven't missed HER at all, not even a little. I do have feelings of guilt about leaving her but I haven't missed her at all. For me this really enforces that fact that the marriage was over long ago. Maybe it's the length of the marriage (mine was almost 24 yrs) and thats alot of time to see the marriage for what it was.

[BacknthSaddle]

I'm starting to realise that it was all physical for me. I didn't, and don't, like her as a person, but man I was, and still am, incredibly attracted to her.

Anyway, what I thought was love, was nothing of the sort. Not even close.

This was largely true for me as well.  I believed that I could turn that attraction into something larger, despite all evidence to the contrary, and that fantasy still nags at me.  Frankly I think I have a tendency to get too caught up in fantasy as is. 

I would add that, I think more than wanting her back, I want her to want me back.  Going to your earlier post, antony, about self-image. 

Incredibly beatiful, highly sexual, adventurous, fun. On a primate/instinctual level, that's what most men dream about their whole life.

Very true Boris.  The difficult part for me: before the r/s, I thought I had "matured" to the point that I recognized this kind of pursuit was childish, or at least not very sophisticated.  I clearly had not.  Now, I fear that that kind of pursuit matters far too much to me, and I'm struggling to leave it behind. 

[BorisAcusio]

I'm starting to realise that it was all physical for me. I didn't, and don't, like her as a person, but man I was, and still am, incredibly attracted to her.

Anyway, what I thought was love, was nothing of the sort. Not even close.

This was largely true for me as well.  I believed that I could turn that attraction into something larger, despite all evidence to the contrary, and that fantasy still nags at me.  Frankly I think I have a tendency to get too caught up in fantasy as is. 

I would add that, I think more than wanting her back, I want her to want me back.  Going to your earlier post, antony, about self-image. 

Incredibly beatiful, highly sexual, adventurous, fun. On a primate/instinctual level, that's what most men dream about their whole life.

Very true Boris.  The difficult part for me: before the r/s, I thought I had "matured" to the point that I recognized this kind of pursuit was childish, or at least not very sophisticated.  I clearly had not.  Now, I fear that that kind of pursuit matters far too much to me, and I'm struggling to leave it behind. 

I have the same doubts, without much idea about where and how to proceed from here. Have you started dating again?