When you find you're not as far along as you thought you were, or want to be

[Botswana Agate]

Does it ever get better?  The getting over it, the being over the crap your BPD parent put you through?

Even though I've CO BPDm, I still find myself very, very angry at her.  I think she did the things she did, especially her recent stunts in the last two years which led to the CO, with purpose and not because of the "disorder".  I hate her for this.  Sometimes I'm consumed with hate, and then I wish my passive Dad would just leave her.  And then I'm angry at him for never doing anything about it, and for *still* staying with her despite even her recent horridness.  My first reaction at anyone who's even in the same situation is CO! CO! CO!, yet the anger and injustice at knowing others go through this same thing is awful.

And then I read the gentle, soothing, wonderful replies from loving Lucyhoneychurch and others and realize, man, I have so far to go--why can't I be as understanding?  When is the time going to come for me to see some compassion for my BPDm?  Do I even *want* to show her compassion?  She's pulled so much disgusting stuff in my life, and recently too, that she deserves none.  And I realize that the only person hurting from not moving on is me.

Please tell me this gets better?

[lucyhoneychurch]

Oh gosh no... . you can't see the years of nightmares and awful hurt and gnashing of teeth - literally grinding without knowing and then wondering why my jaw was killing me -

How far along will any of us ever be, really, when we constantly understand we were cheated out of somewhat normal(er) childhoods?

The reason maybe I at least come across so "loving" and you are kind to say so - is I try to think between what I would've needed to hear, still need to hear, and what the person I am responding to sounds like htey need to hear - to cope and *heal.*

Compassion is what we all sorely lack. At least on a board like this we can do our best to heft the next one up over the wall 

Hate and anger are familiar friends to me to be truly honest. They will fire you up when you really want to lie down and die and I mean that in the very literal sense. So those emotions can serve a purpose when we are so wounded there is no survival instinct left in us.

When your time arrives and you realize that her face can cross your mind and your belly doesn't go wrongside out - then you'll know that you progressed to safer waters.  Until then please be good to yourself.

You're amongst friends here. I for one find that so refreshing.   

[peaceat54]

Hi Bots,

I hope you don't mind the name I am using for you,  .

I am new to this as I just found out my mom has BPD a little over a month ago. I don't know what CO means, is that no contact?

I have been reading the Survivors Guide and as I understand it anger is a normal part of the process an adult child of a BPD parent would feel, I am not sure if you have used this resource we have been provided on this site, If you have not it might help, I also want to remind you to not be so hard on yourself for feeling the way you do right now, be kind and loving to yourself.

There are techniques for learning how to release your anger in a healthy way in the guide.

I thought maybe something might be wrong with me as I have not felt the anger and they say it is normal and healthy reaction. I have only felt sadness but as I understand it now the anger maybe deep down inside of me and has displayed itself as depression or something else.  

So I would say you are in a good position for healing as you are able to see/feel your anger so clearly.

I have also found a site that touches on healing these childhood wounds,

I came across this yesterday and found that this woman who wrote the article was amazing and her insight is incredible.

Here's the link:

The Connection Between Self-Sabotage and the Mother Wound

www.womboflight.com

I have never posted a link before so I hope it works if you want to read it, the article is more about how we can heal from (mother/daughter) betrayal of our mothers and how we internalize it as children, how we can examine the thoughts we needed to have as children to survive so we can learn to release those as they are no longer a benefit to us as adults, because they are now self limiting and harmful thoughts that are so deep down inside of us.

I personally have them so deep down that I still have trouble finding them but I know they are there because as an adult when someone says something to me that is critical lets say as an example that I know what they said is not true and it is something they are projecting, in my rational mind I know this, but I feel sad or bad inside so the feelings I have are not matching the thoughts I am aware of.

What I am learning for me is that I have suppressed these thoughts so much that I only know they are there because (of the way I feel not matching the current situation) so I have to stay with the way I feel and when I am alone I write down what ever thoughts come into my mind in an uncensored way, this has been very revealing for me.

Maybe you will find that when you were younger you felt angry at your moms treatment of you but because it would not be safe for you to express that anger as you were a child, you had to suppress it, this is just an idea. so maybe now as an adult you are safe to feel and release this anger from childhood, again just an idea, you are the only one who can figure out your truth.

For me this whole experience is something I am trying to learn from to uncover those embedded thoughts and ideas I have had for almost 54 years now, so that moving forward in my own life I can be free to enjoy my own family, happy and express myself without feeling any guilt or fear. To not be slammed into feeling things that have no place in my current life. To know I as well as everyone else here deserves to have this happiness and the freedom to express the love they have for all things.

The ability to release the guilt, fear and obligations that were never mine to have in the first place.

Does it ever get better?  The getting over it, the being over the crap your BPD parent put you through?

I believe it will get better, I believe in time with our hard work we will find that yes we have had those experiences but the pain will dissipate as our understanding of ourselves and our parent grows.

Number 6 on the Survivors Guide to the right under remembering might be helpful for you.

Remember to be kind, compassionate, patient, and loving with yourself and your feelings, we are where we are in our healing and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

I hope this has helped in some small way.  

Peaceat54

[peaceat54]

To anyone who reads my post above, the quote part I messes up on, sorry just learning how to post

Peaceat54

[HappyChappy]

Does it ever get better?  The getting over it, the being over the crap your BPD parent put you through?

And then I read the gentle, soothing, wonderful replies from loving Lucyhoneychurch and others and realize, man, I have so far to go--

Botswana Agate,  the fact you've realised all about BPD and you've found this helpful site, means you've already made progress. Every journey, no matter how long, begins with one step and you've clearly made several steps. Never forget that many who post on this board have had decades focused on healing. Personaly for me it is two steps forwad and one back. A good therpaist may be able to speed things up, a good book likewise. You'll get there - looks like you're walking in the right direction.

What helped me is looking at the behaviour of a BPD as that of a 6 years. After all that's where part of their emotional development got stuck. So of course it looks like your BPD is being mean  - but if she was 6, would it appear as mean ? Also research suggest that alot of a BPD behaviour is subcontious. Main thing is your BPD would be the same even if you had never been born, so one things for sure - it not your fault and you don't deserve it. You'll get there, so long as you're pointing in the right direction.

[PleaseValidate]

It does. 

[Ziggiddy]

  When is the time going to come for me to see some compassion for my BPDm?  Do I even *want* to show her compassion?  She's pulled so much disgusting stuff in my life, and recently too, that she deserves none.  And I realize that the only person hurting from not moving on is me.

Botswana Agate - your compassion 'gland' may well be worn out! If you don't want to show her compassion is that wrong? Forgiveness, compassion understanding - these are gifts we give ourselves but they come form insight. Bestowing them because you feel you should is not a gift at all but a forced payment. Would it be so bad if you decided not to be compassionate? What's the worst that could happen?

We all place such a high premium on being forgiving and all but if you don't want to, it may be for a very good reason!  Fruit ripens when it's ready. Shooting sulphur dioxide at it may force it into readiness according to your own timetable but is that healthy? Is that the fruit you most want to eat?

Maybe you might need to focus some compassion on yourself?

Just because other people are in that place at that time does that mean you have to run to get there too? Your experiences are unique. And frankly I find there are some things that are just not forgivable for me. I go as far as I can and then say "Hey I'm human and I can only go this far." Then I like myself because I told myself my very highest truth and that moves me an inch or so in a better direction. i have the dearest wish for you to like yourself and if that means you can't 'let this bad thing go" then what of it? It's your life your heart your journey.

[littlebirdcline]

I think I'm at a very similar point.  I want to have compassion, but I just can't get beyond anger and hurt that she won't hear me.  And my father is very passive, too, and I find that I'm angry at him for not protecting us, for just keeping his head down and trying to survive.  If he wanted to do that for himself, fine, but he let my brother and I suffer our entire lives.  If he has compassion for her, fine, but he didn't get to make that decision for two small, vulnerable children.  Like you, I hope to get beyond the anger and get to compassion.  My therapist said if she had a mental illness that made her think aliens were coming or bigfoot was at the door, we would have compassion.  But when the "symptoms" are so personal, it is so hard to separate. I wish you luck, and hope we can both progress beyond this stage. 

Take care.