Hi Bots,
I hope you don't mind the name I am using for you, .
I am new to this as I just found out my mom has BPD a little over a month ago. I don't know what CO means, is that no contact?
I have been reading the Survivors Guide and as I understand it anger is a normal part of the process an adult child of a BPD parent would feel, I am not sure if you have used this resource we have been provided on this site, If you have not it might help, I also want to remind you to not be so hard on yourself for feeling the way you do right now, be kind and loving to yourself.
There are techniques for learning how to release your anger in a healthy way in the guide.
I thought maybe something might be wrong with me as I have not felt the anger and they say it is normal and healthy reaction. I have only felt sadness but as I understand it now the anger maybe deep down inside of me and has displayed itself as depression or something else.
So I would say you are in a good position for healing as you are able to see/feel your anger so clearly.
I have also found a site that touches on healing these childhood wounds,
I came across this yesterday and found that this woman who wrote the article was amazing and her insight is incredible.
Here's the link:
The Connection Between Self-Sabotage and the Mother Wound
www.womboflight.comI have never posted a link before so I hope it works if you want to read it, the article is more about how we can heal from (mother/daughter) betrayal of our mothers and how we internalize it as children, how we can examine the thoughts we needed to have as children to survive so we can learn to release those as they are no longer a benefit to us as adults, because they are now self limiting and harmful thoughts that are so deep down inside of us.
I personally have them so deep down that I still have trouble finding them but I know they are there because as an adult when someone says something to me that is critical lets say as an example that I know what they said is not true and it is something they are projecting, in my rational mind I know this, but I feel sad or bad inside so the feelings I have are not matching the thoughts I am aware of.
What I am learning for me is that I have suppressed these thoughts so much that I only know they are there because (of the way I feel not matching the current situation) so I have to stay with the way I feel and when I am alone I write down what ever thoughts come into my mind in an uncensored way, this has been very revealing for me.
Maybe you will find that when you were younger you felt angry at your moms treatment of you but because it would not be safe for you to express that anger as you were a child, you had to suppress it, this is just an idea. so maybe now as an adult you are safe to feel and release this anger from childhood, again just an idea, you are the only one who can figure out your truth.
For me this whole experience is something I am trying to learn from to uncover those embedded thoughts and ideas I have had for almost 54 years now, so that moving forward in my own life I can be free to enjoy my own family, happy and express myself without feeling any guilt or fear. To not be slammed into feeling things that have no place in my current life. To know I as well as everyone else here deserves to have this happiness and the freedom to express the love they have for all things.
The ability to release the guilt, fear and obligations that were never mine to have in the first place.
Does it ever get better? The getting over it, the being over the crap your BPD parent put you through?
I believe it will get better, I believe in time with our hard work we will find that yes we have had those experiences but the pain will dissipate as our understanding of ourselves and our parent grows.
Number 6 on the Survivors Guide to the right under remembering might be helpful for you.
Remember to be kind, compassionate, patient, and loving with yourself and your feelings, we are where we are in our healing and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.
I hope this has helped in some small way.
Peaceat54