I am about to break NC

[antjs]

While going through dropbox i have found a screenshot of a powm my ex did write to me during the idealization phase it goes like:

In the midst

of the crowd

They shine at me

Then shy away

I touch the

Sadness

Down their way

Yet they rise

Once more

A lighthouse

On my shore

And then sail again

In the warmth

Of your face


I cant describe how did i feel when i saw this. I opened whatsapp and i was about to unblock her and send her this screenshot.  But i came here and posted it instead. God when this is gonna end?  The idealization was so strong that she calls me "they" in the poem. I wonder if she is asked to write a poem about me now what would she write. Should i keep the file on dropbox or should i delete it?

[Mutt]

Only you can answer that AJ. Print it and file it away somewhere so it's out of sight and then delete the file on dropbox?

I'm sorry that you are struggling AJ and that you are in tremendous pain and can't identify the underlying reason for that intensified pain   Unfortunately that person we knew in that initial idealization phase does not return to us after devaluation and denegration. I hung on to that ideal for several years and wondered where that woman went? Can I have her back and when? I still have a love letter at the beginning of the idealization phase in my house and couldn't bring myself  to throw it out. I filed it away to decide another day. If I don't throw it out, it is what it is.


Hang in there AJ

[antjs]

What would sending her this screednshot after 3 months of NC get?

[antjs]

I am rereading this all night https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=227092.0


I feel that i am about to lose my mind. i thought i was at a stronger point. God, only one screenshot can set me back this much ! I am still enmeshed. I am still thinking that there is hope to argue with her and have an adult conversation. How could someone who wrote this poem to me do these things in the link to also me ? this is mind abuse.

[Mutt]

I am rereading this all night https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=227092.0


I feel that i am about to lose my mind. i thought i was at a stronger point. God, only one screenshot can set me back this much ! I am still enmeshed. I am still thinking that there is hope to argue with her and have an adult conversation. How could someone who wrote this poem to me do these things in the link to also me ? this is mind abuse.

That screenshot triggered you. It's good that you rechecked your list and reminded yourself of the devaluation as well. The pendulum swings from idealization to devaluation with no middle ground. You identified you were triggered and countered the triggered feelings with your list. You centered yourself  

I would advise everyone to a write a list like this and keep at hand, you're going to need it in the future when the anger dissipates and you naturally start to forget the painful details.