All in my mind

[freshlySane]

I spoke to a lot of people on here and in my life but there is still those thoughts,

-Ive seen her recycle people including me

-IVe seen her paint people black then white and back and forth

-Ive seen her taking anxiety pills using mairjuana to not deal with her life

-ive seen her cut her self over a little slight by me

-she contemplated suicide and spoke of it

-ive seen her rage been on the other end of her verbal and physical abuse

-Ive seen her abuse to her kids as well as a pet

-ive been idealized and devalued me and countless other people

-lies and manipulation

-her distorted view and change of events

-her apologizes then blame game

-ive seen her push me away to tell me later how much she need me and apperciate me for it to happen again

-ive seen this all first hand

-how she would say she felt invisible and felt numb

-in moments of happiness ive seen her depressed and angry or sad

the explosion from me not texting or if i do text or if i walk away in the middle of arguments  and how she felt that i wanted to run away from her because i didnt want to sit and listen to rant about me or continue another argument ( and sometimes id leave in the middle of her going off)

and even though i focus on her negatives to keep the positive at bay so i can use that to heal

i keep thinking did she need someone strong to help her

did she need a better situation like work or school to help her feel better

are her post on facebook really real or fake she doesnt post alot on social network as she use to but she does post  all positive things

i mean a couple times she post who am i and where am i going

or i need to shake these negative thoughts

mostly what pictures she post she is smiling

And poems about her new guy and how much he is appreciated and how much he has helped her

and through all the negative she had put me through why are the little positives making me doubt what i know

i am over analyzing this but i cant stop wondering if all the bad i been through was because i was too weak to make a better life for her.

this makes me feel crazy

[enlighten me]

It wasnt you.

No matter how strong the person is they are with they will eventually crumble.

One thing I have realised is that in the end our BPDs cant gettheir fix from who they are with so will move on to the next.

My exgf dated musicians. Music is huge to her. It is her form of self medication. Even though music helps her it is never enough. She may have lasted longer with a musician than with me but in the end it turned out the same.

I have read about this with BPD a number of times on here. My ex dates cyclists was one.

Music, exercise, dance these are all activities that lower cortisol. The initial fix that a person provides in my opinion is the cortisol levels being lowered. The fact that someone does something that helps lower them only extends the time that that person is beneficial to them. Eventually they stop helping and become the problem in the eyes of the BPD that is.

[OutOfEgypt]

i keep thinking did she need someone strong to help her

Nope.  But my ex made sure I knew that the new guy, whoever it was at the moment, was better at handling her.  But that is a lie.  That's to keep me down and pass blame onto me.  Plus, they really don't see how they are (or won't let themselves see how they are), so of course it looks like things are going well at first.  They are still in the idealization phase!  

And they are notorious for making it look like they are so happy and so much better off once they leave you.  But you have to believe it will happen again.  They *have to* believe they are happier and better off.  God forbid they face the loss, the guilt, and the shame.  They need to feel like they are the winner and you are... .well... .you are maybe just the loser.  But that's a lie, too.

did she need a better situation like work or school to help her feel better

Good lord, no.  After all the things I did for my ex, I finally realized that you CANNOT fill a black hole.  But boy, they want you to believe that there was something YOU could have done to make it all better for them, or some situation that was to blame for their misery and acting out. As long as they find someone believing that lie, they will get to continue to push all of their garbage off onto them.  But that's not the truth.  Those are excuses for their behavior.  Think about it... .who couldn't find SOMETHING in the current partner or current situation to blame for all of their garbage?  Anybody could.  But it would just be a scapegoat so as to continue down the same path of destruction.

Aren't there things she could have done to make it better for you?  You aren't her hero.  Only God can be someone's hero.  Are you God?  Of course not.  Relationships are not supposed to be like that.  They are supposed to be mutual.  Two whole people coming together to mutually love and partner with each other and help carry *each others* burdens.  Not one-way.  Not "do everything for me and make me happy."  That is the BPD lie.

Have you ever read this article?  If not, you need to.  It is what happened to you, and it is what is happening right now with her and her new guy.  She'll wreck him, too.  She will.  This is truth.  All of that "If only I did this or that... ." is not the truth.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves