Finally Decided it was Time...

[Mike76]

My wife has worked hard at getting better in the last few months, but it is just not enough.  The trust is broken, and my wounds are deep. 

I always hoped to stick with her even with the BPD, but I am tired and worn out.

I paid my retainer to the lawyer last Thursday, I submitted the primarily paper work, and going to present a letter from my lawyer to my wife this weekend at MC. I feel more comfortable giving my wife a couple weeks to comply and allow her the choice in the method of divorce before filling with the courts.   (Working together vs just filling with courts and letting the lawyers fight it out.)  Yes, I know there is no methods of reason with most BPDs, but my wife hates to waste money and working together possibly save some money.  Also if we can get the divorce over with I will to give her 60% of assets just to get over, that's better than fight for the next couple years.   We are only talking a few thousand dollars and I would rather have it than some some lawyer.

I am nervous as I have ever been... .

[JohnLove]

Hi Mike76. Your nerves may be warranted... .or may not. You sound like a perfectly fair, more than reasonable man. I hear you when you say you are at the end of your tether. This is a life changing decision and I suspect you have not made this lightly. The marriage was for better or worse... .but no one said JUST how worse or how it would feel not being "together" for so long. It is only made worse when a person suffering from BPD (or anything else for that matter) takes AWAY Love from our lives and generally scrambles life so that nothing feels real or worthwhile. Sometimes I feel this is their objective. So that the WE in we will have nothing left.

I don't blame anyone.

I would offer congratulations. She got what she wanted.

Stay strong. Stay reasonable. Stay true to yourself.

Peace... .

[ForeverDad]

You've been here nearly 3 years, no one can say you didn't try.  Although she likely won't cause problems, prepare yourself for the unexpected, she could try to lure you back or she could overreact and attack with allegations, especially if she had threatened to do so before.  Whichever, protect yourself emotionally and legally.

[livednlearned]

It's a tough decision.

What is your strategy after you give her the papers?

Even when BPD sufferers are motivated, there is still a tendency to obstruct and delay. Hopefully she will want the same thing you do, and it's possible you two could work things out. But I would still have a strategy. Are you offering her 60%? Because she is probably going to ask for 100%. If you offer her your bottom line right away, then you'll end up giving her more just to move on.

It's unfortunate, but even when you settle things and come to an agreement about how to split things, there is often a long period of non-compliance. What she agreed to Tuesday will no longer be relevant. Even on a legal document.

Pace yourself. Have a strategy. Think of this as a business contract with a cunning negotiator.

I would also get your own individual therapist to help you with this. People exiting BPD marriages tend to be pretty worn down and beaten up. We self-sabotage and tend to have a hard time seeing the moves very clearly. Based on what others have mentioned here, it doesn't seem like MCs are able to be very good advocates once they are involved in the relationship dynamic.