Time Span for healing? How long is a piece of string?

[Ventus2ct]

Hi all, do we have some sort of idea regarding timespan re healing, I know it depends a lot on the person involved and how we deal/come to terms with it all but what sort of time does it take?

I have been TN/C for 2 and a half months now, am better than I was but nowhere near where I should be.

I still wake up in the morning with hope that she will contact me, go to bed thinking there's always tomorrow. (how long does this go on for? I guess it wanes into nothing eventually?)

I still cannot stop thinking about her, despite being busy doing things, seeing friends etc etc.

I think I still cling to the "Honeymoon" period in my thoughts and not the abusive period despite trying to think about negatives and all the hurtful things she's done.

I have been out on dates but nothing even tickles my fancy, I sit there chatting but compare, I am talking to someone else and at the same time thinking about "her"

I wonder who she's with, what's she doing etc...

For some reason I just cannot let it all go but am aware am in a better place than I was so must say there has been progress.

I am also at the stage where I am questioning the fact that is she really BPD and was it in fact me that drove her away with my projected inner demons out onto her? I seriously think I am becoming delusional about how "wonderful" this ex girlfriend was, when all around including my counsellor are saying she's tapped in the head and something is wrong with her.

Is it me still thinking I can do something to help, nuture, cure her?

I have read multiple posts on their behavior but I still despite knowing how it is will not accept it for what it was, i.e... abusive to the max

I have identified core issues within myself relating to my father in early childhood who was terribly cold and uncaring, which I saw in the devaluing stage of our relationship and hence tried to change the outcome. Where do I go now? How do I change/deal with these issues for myself?

I actually felt anger for the first time the other day, which I assume is a good sign?

Sorry for all the questions, just looking for many answers!

[Reforming]

I think it depends on lots of factors.

The length of the relationship, your willingness to really grieve and process what's happened, your own mental health, your self discipline and of course the nature of your  particular relationship.

Everyone and every BPD is different so the healing process is different for everyone.

Read as much as you can. Understanding the dynamics of your relationship helps in the detaching process. There are great posters on this site.

2010, Skip and a host of others have posted some brilliant insights on the psychology of the illness and the healing process. I've been reading thisblonde recently and she has very good thoughts on how to move forward.

Try to be gentle to yourself and try not to judge yourself.

It can feel maddeningly slow but it's a process that you have to go. Over time the extremity your experiencing will gradually subside.

Write a realistic list of the good and bad points of your ex and be honest about her and your relationship.

Review this every day or whenever you feel yourself slipping into fantasy.

It sounds like your beginning to feel anger. That's healthy

Once the intense feelings of abandonment subside you internalise the loss, blaming yourself for what happened and taking too much responsibility for the failure. Anger is the beginning of the next phase when you externalise the anger and begin to challenge the unhealthy narrative that has distorted your thinking. Ideally you eventually realise that while you played your part but so did she. Slowly you begin to accept that true nature of the illness and of your relationship.

You always had the power to choose and you still do. Even it's just tiny faltering steps, take control of your life and move forward. You'll fall flat on your face again and again. That's life. Pick yourself and try again. When I felt overwhelmed by grief I cried. It helped.

Maintain strict no contact and that means no google or FB searches, ANY CONTACT SLOWS THE PROCESS DOWN. Excise her from your life.

This isn't about hating her - though you may have to do that for while - it's about giving yourself a safe place to heal and rebuild

Finding a good therapist can help to move things forward but there is a lot you can do for yourself. The shattering of your life is also an opportunity to build a better one and a better you. The key is taking responsibility for your own part in the relationship, not hers but yours. She's gone now unless she's willing to spend years in therapy she will never truly change.

It's all about you now and while you may feel frighteningly alone right now you have been gifted with extraordinary opportunity to remake yourself stronger and better.  Reach out and take it. Keep posting

Good luck

[Ventus2ct]

Many thanks Reforming, great encouragement, suspect it was just an "off" morning for me but will take your advice and march onwards.

[Karmachameleon]

I can very much relate to your post.  I know that I am also doing better, but have a long way to go.  The only acceptance I have been able to gain is acceptance that I must continue my life in pain and constant thoughts of him.  I've stopped fighting it for the moment.  Every single day I pick myself up and hope for the best, but at some point I always go back to bargaining.  Praying to God for a miracle.  (God loves him, too, right?  Why would he just give him a terrible childhood and a mental disorder and leave him in agony?)  Today for a moment I thought, maybe I'll just stay secretly in love with him forever and that's just how my life will be.  People say that the anger is productive, but personally I find the anger to be the most painful part of my recovery.  I hate the anger.  It makes me feel anxiety and I want it to go away.  My anger scares me and I have a special needs child and can not be easily angered.  Didn't mean to make your post about me.  Just saying that I completely understand.  I'm looking for the magic formula, too.  All the best to you.  We will get through it somehow.