CONTACT ?

[Aussie JJ]

OK

I have been thinking about this for a while about her ex BF from 4 years ago.  I have his contact details and I want to reach out and ask him what he knows about her mental health stuff and if she displayed the same behaviours with him at the end.  I just don't understand. 

She has painted him black but says he 'changed' and I forced her to leave him.  It was all my fault blah blah... .

What do you guys think of this?  Senior members ideas appreciated ?

[OutOfEgypt]

I thought about contacting my ex's exes, but then it dawned on me... .why?  Why bother?  :)on't we know enough because of what we have gone through?  She commented once at the beginning of our relationship that her ex said that she was "insatiable."  :)o I need more than that?

I just don't think it will accomplish anything.  It's really just another way to hang onto her.  Plus, what good will come of it if she finds out that you contacted him?

[Blimblam]

I had the same thought. Believe me.  But the thing is you have us here to validate that you are not insane.

What is it that you think contacting her ex will grant you?

Before I found this place I was searching for answers I needed people to talk to.  I was desperate. any mutual person that I talked to that also knew her somehow it came back to hurt me tenfold. what is happening is you are being dragging you down to her level and she will beat you with experience.  Any perceived 'win' will have cost you so dearly that it is no win at all.

She has driven you to a point to make sense of things you would consider doin things you wouldn't ordinarily do. You have internalized her crazy making.  I understand I have been there not very long ago.

Do your best to go no contact (we all slip up)  and even mutual friends you may need to cut out.  Everything you are feeling is a normal reaction to being so confused and betrayed.  You are making smart decisions coming on here and releasing that energy on here.  

[antjs]

we always complain that our exs did triangulate. now that would be triangulation initiated by you. you, her and her ex. the karpman triangle is very interesting. we do it every day with everyone. but it is like hell to get involved in it with toxic people.

you can not get out of the triangle except with being a victim. you can not get out as a prosecutor or a rescuer. getting out as a victim will set you back in your healing and will make you ruminate again which is not healthy.

Even if triangulation did not happen and her ex did not inform her. still you will feel like a victim. he probably is going to acknowledge and confirm all what you think. then, you will feel that you have been traumatized by her and that you are not insane but you are a victim ! back to rumination which is again not healthy.


take care of yourself. bargaining about the existence of the disorder is part of the process. this person in simple words did not care about you nor did pay respect for you (apart from being BPD or not). healthy people would quit the r\s if their partner was "not good enough". no excuse in this whole world for abuse and mind games in a r\s. you are good enough. what she did to you speaks loud about her not you. what she did is probably a pattern she is using and you will hear the same stories from her ex cause people in general find change to be hard. like what we do here basically. we are trying to change a lot of things about our true selves. it is hard but it is essential.

[Mutt]

I don't believe there is a right or wrong here.

I have 3 young children with my uBPDx and she has a daughter from a previous r/s that is 15 now. He had broken up with her over a decade ago and got into another r/s and is still with the same woman today.

Shortly after my break up with my wife a family member on my side mentioned BPD. I started learning about the disorder on the internet. I was split black I recalled memories when I was with ex. She never had anything good to say about her exBF and his partner.

I friended her on Facebook because I knew that she was a caring and compassion woman and always stayed in contact with his daughter and my SD.

A floodgate opened. She told me of all of the difficulties and trials that both had to go through in the last decade. She couldn't understand the behaviors of my ex and she would cry herself at sleep at night. I told her because you are dealing with a mental illness. I saw patterns through her recounting of their experiences and stories. I was being treated the same unjustly with custody and access of my kids. It certified and validated that she has had issues for a long time. My ex told stories of how difficult if a r/s she had with her mom and ended up in foster care in her teens. My xMIL had a lot of stories about my ex that led me to believe that she was seriously acting out starting in her teens.

12 years later they are both still treated as if there is nothing good about them and undervalued. I got tremendous support from her and I explained the ex's behaviors. Since I connected with her last year, I consider her as a close personal friend. Her bf doesn't talk to me and never did when I was with my ex. It's just the way he is. They have both listened to my advice and dealing with the ex's FOG and it's smoother for them now because they don't give into the control of a Queen / Witch. They are minimal contact just like myself now and don't get so wound up trying to explain, justify it defend and get into arguments with her, they let it go.

But when I opened the dialog through them my ex is the same person with the same maladaptive coping skills as she had in the early 2K's. I told her you poor people and what you had to suffer through, I'm sorry that this happened.

I was also in a place in my healing that I was in self denial and it was hard to accept that a person I cared so deeply about was ill. It took time, but it sunk in eventually. In my case contacting my wife's ex's family (we're all split black) we offer each other support.