So much confusion

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hello everybody.

So, in the past few days a lot happened. I tought the end had come but suddenly, on Monday, at night i was calmer after her husband told me he had gone through all the thing and the blaming process and with time he moved on.

But, later on, she reached me with text messages, saying she wanted to give something to me to go skype, i went, we didnt call each other, just texted. She sent me a link to a dropbox folder. But she didnt zip it, i went to her computer with teamviewer to zip it for her. It was our pics from the beach, we took some weeks ago. We were with happy faces, smiling a lot, with a video of me when she faked to be taking a photo and was taking a lot saying to me to do some poses. I was having real fun that time and was really happy. Along the photos she added a music that she was playing on her computer and i could hear through teamviewer. She started showing the photos stopping on our common ones, where we were happily smiling. I liked the present she was giving me, this photos but this kinda felt like emotional manipulation, like she was saying we had a lot of fun together, we could be happy and trying to show me it.

I quit teamviewer, was talking to her and we talked about all the problems we had. After this i was kinda weak and asked if we had any chances, she said she didnt think so. I took my ring out this night accepting reality even tough it still hurt (she offered me one in the earlier phase of the relationship and used another as well that she took sometime ago saying their fingers swelled and she couldnt use it in the summer, which is a plausible explanation).

Later on, we talk and she asks if she can come over to my house. Excuses and says she was just joking. But i asked if she wanted to come to watch a movie the next day. The next day, i wait for her as she was baking some cakes for a delivery (she has a eating compulsion disorder and always ate cakes to relief stress, so she started selling them and i guarantee, they are great! Cake design cakes, she is very talented). I was at her place, was kinda sleepy and all and fell asleep a bit, then awoke and she had the cakes done. We went to my place. Here, she said she didnt feel like seeing the movie and we were a bit on the sofa. She had proposed to sleep on the sofa, in a way to make me think that she would be better in my bed, more confortable. I said yes, didnt want to be apart from her, she didnt come to my place in months (i was the one always going to meet her, damn codependence). So, we went to bed, i was taking care of stuff and she went to bed and covered herself naked. When i was going through the door to the bathroom she was half covered and had her breasts exposed. I undressed myself and went to bed (i really wanted to resist). It was really funny, we would end up looking at each other, feeling the sexual tension and wanting to, but i didnt give in, and she didnt do the first move either. I was going crazy with this, all warmed up but i managed to get to sleep as i was tired. Later on, i wake up and she was going to my living room. I wait a bit, thinking she had gone to the kitchen or something and i go check. She was on the sofa, zapping.

I laid there, try to talk to her but she was feeling rejected (as she always did when we didnt had sex and she wanted to, which she always explained as an abuse problem). I said i still had feelings for her, that i wanted to go with time and see how we manage to go over all the breakups and push an pull we had in the last weeks. It was impossible to make her understand. She said she would wait for the morning and go home. I was there with her and when it was morning she went. Well, i always cried and got the miserable feeling all the time this things happened but this time i just let her go. Couldnt do anything, she didnt understand.

She broke up with me monday, asked to come to my house, i suggest seeing a movie, she doesnt want to see it and kinda seduces me in bed, i dont give her what she wanted and she starts reacting this way... .

I just acepted, it was the problems she had. I cant really do anything anymore, i must acept and try to move on. She thinks love is all about sex. She even proposed me sex without compromise instead of a relationship with stability. Then says i misunderstood. These past weeks were so confusing... .

We were ok, having fun together, even in bed, playing with each other, talking, remembering the past times we were there. Why does she sum it all to sex. We always had a lot of sex. We had a lot of sex recently during the breakups and makeups. I was getting tired and growing annoyed of so much unstability. But she cant be stable.

No, she cant be emotionally stable, she cant think in a stable way, she cant show love in other ways rather then sex. I feel so bad. And she accuses me, you cant just feel like i do, you always have to think things up. Yes, i do. Her inability to do it thats what caused her so much stuff to happen, so much suffering, that sent so many people away. Now she is sending me too. She sent an email explaining and says that im not making an effort to change and feel, that i dont love her in an unconditional way because i didnt have sex with her and she felt rejected even tough the relationship had broke up and she said she didnt want anything else.

She says one thing, then another, confuses people, makes me feel lost, what the hell. I grew tired. I wonder if she will contact me again. I guess its time to really move on. This relationship meant a lot of trouble altough it was so rewarding. But i want peace of mind, spirit and body now.

[Junknown]

Hello everybody.

So, in the past few days a lot happened. I tought the end had come but suddenly, on Monday, at night i was calmer after her husband told me he had gone through all the thing and the blaming process and with time he moved on.

But, later on, she reached me with text messages, saying she wanted to give something to me to go skype, i went, we didnt call each other, just texted. She sent me a link to a dropbox folder. But she didnt zip it, i went to her computer with teamviewer to zip it for her. It was our pics from the beach, we took some weeks ago. We were with happy faces, smiling a lot, with a video of me when she faked to be taking a photo and was taking a lot saying to me to do some poses. I was having real fun that time and was really happy. Along the photos she added a music that she was playing on her computer and i could hear through teamviewer. She started showing the photos stopping on our common ones, where we were happily smiling. I liked the present she was giving me, this photos but this kinda felt like emotional manipulation, like she was saying we had a lot of fun together, we could be happy and trying to show me it.

I quit teamviewer, was talking to her and we talked about all the problems we had. After this i was kinda weak and asked if we had any chances, she said she didnt think so. I took my ring out this night accepting reality even tough it still hurt (she offered me one in the earlier phase of the relationship and used another as well that she took sometime ago saying their fingers swelled and she couldnt use it in the summer, which is a plausible explanation).

Later on, we talk and she asks if she can come over to my house. Excuses and says she was just joking. But i asked if she wanted to come to watch a movie the next day. The next day, i wait for her as she was baking some cakes for a delivery (she has a eating compulsion disorder and always ate cakes to relief stress, so she started selling them and i guarantee, they are great! Cake design cakes, she is very talented). I was at her place, was kinda sleepy and all and fell asleep a bit, then awoke and she had the cakes done. We went to my place. Here, she said she didnt feel like seeing the movie and we were a bit on the sofa. She had proposed to sleep on the sofa, in a way to make me think that she would be better in my bed, more confortable. I said yes, didnt want to be apart from her, she didnt come to my place in months (i was the one always going to meet her, damn codependence). So, we went to bed, i was taking care of stuff and she went to bed and covered herself naked. When i was going through the door to the bathroom she was half covered and had her breasts exposed. I undressed myself and went to bed (i really wanted to resist). It was really funny, we would end up looking at each other, feeling the sexual tension and wanting to, but i didnt give in, and she didnt do the first move either. I was going crazy with this, all warmed up but i managed to get to sleep as i was tired. Later on, i wake up and she was going to my living room. I wait a bit, thinking she had gone to the kitchen or something and i go check. She was on the sofa, zapping.

I laid there, try to talk to her but she was feeling rejected (as she always did when we didnt had sex and she wanted to, which she always explained as an abuse problem). I said i still had feelings for her, that i wanted to go with time and see how we manage to go over all the breakups and push an pull we had in the last weeks. It was impossible to make her understand. She said she would wait for the morning and go home. I was there with her and when it was morning she went. Well, i always cried and got the miserable feeling all the time this things happened but this time i just let her go. Couldnt do anything, she didnt understand.

She broke up with me monday, asked to come to my house, i suggest seeing a movie, she doesnt want to see it and kinda seduces me in bed, i dont give her what she wanted and she starts reacting this way... .

I just acepted, it was the problems she had. I cant really do anything anymore, i must acept and try to move on. She thinks love is all about sex. She even proposed me sex without compromise instead of a relationship with stability. Then says i misunderstood. These past weeks were so confusing... .

We were ok, having fun together, even in bed, playing with each other, talking, remembering the past times we were there. Why does she sum it all to sex. We always had a lot of sex. We had a lot of sex recently during the breakups and makeups. I was getting tired and growing annoyed of so much unstability. But she cant be stable.

No, she cant be emotionally stable, she cant think in a stable way, she cant show love in other ways rather then sex. I feel so bad. And she accuses me, you cant just feel like i do, you always have to think things up. Yes, i do. Her inability to do it thats what caused her so much stuff to happen, so much suffering, that sent so many people away. Now she is sending me too. She sent an email explaining and says that im not making an effort to change and feel, that i dont love her in an unconditional way because i didnt have sex with her and she felt rejected even tough the relationship had broke up and she said she didnt want anything else.

She says one thing, then another, confuses people, makes me feel lost, what the hell. I grew tired. I wonder if she will contact me again. I guess its time to really move on. This relationship meant a lot of trouble altough it was so rewarding. But i want peace of mind, spirit and body now.

[MommaBear]

So much I want to say to you ... .but I think this can best sum it up:

Run.

Run far. Run fast. Don't look back. She will eat you alive and spit out your bones like an owl. Run, my friend. Run away as soon as you can.

[Junknown]

I cant run.

But ill try to walk away with time without looking back. Ill stop always going after her as i did in the past and even in the last few days. This instability has put me to a point i dont know what i feel. Breakup, makeup, love you, dont love you.

This twists a person's feelings... .This twists my soul  . I feel like she ripped me something, a part of me, chewed it, and threw it back in place.

[Skip]

Hey. You love her. Your connected to her.  And she's emotionally unstable. And she's married.

This is a really hard thing to face.  Its a big disconnect.

Sometime just slowing down, and allowing yourself to slowly accept the reality is the best we can do.

Stop trying to fix it.  Let things flow on their own.  Start letting go of it.  Above all, don't do anything unhealthy.

She is still talking to you - there is no separation anxiety- nothing needs to be forced today.

Get off the emotional roller coaster.  You can still stand there and observe.

[MommaBear]

This instability has put me to a point i dont know what i feel. Breakup, makeup, love you, dont love you.

This twists a person's feelings... .This twists my soul  . I feel like she ripped me something, a part of me, chewed it, and threw it back in place.

We've all been there. Even sometimes when things get better, we have days where we don't know what's right anymore.

Come on the board during those weaker moments. We won't judge. We all know how they mess with us, and make us think and feel and even do things that are so out of character. They get their hooks in and tear us to pieces when they decide we're not longer useful to them.

You can do this. You have us. You're not alone.

[Junknown]

Yeah, i still love her :/ .

And she knows it, even tough she reacts like this. On the email she sent me explaining everything she said that she felt we still loved each other. But that she felt rejected, that i hurted her again, that i would never change and stopped worrying too much (well, it bothers me to do so, when she is married, still lives with the husband knowing we are together and i dont really see any plans for future, apart from turbulence). I hurt her, yeah. I shouldnt even have said for us to meet so early. But she wanted, was so eager, suddenly was acting like when she was showing me her love at the beginning and i still loved her and wanted to spend a good time with her.

I tought we could take it slowly and approach. But she cant take anything slowly. Its like, now or never. And i feel bad, because she makes me think im the one acting wrongly :/ .

Thanks for the support. This really messes up with a person. Im finding these boards a really good help in these moments of stress.

[Skip]

And i feel bad, because she makes me think im the one acting wrongly :/ .

Try to let go of this part first.  :)o it with grace.

When she says "you did this" you jump to defend yourself.  

What is a different way to respond that doesn't engage her and doesn't put her off?

You want to get off this roller coaster.

[Junknown]

Ill try, but i know its difficult.

I even saw her husband going through that sometimes, feeling guilty and bad. And even tough they live in the same house and she emotionally cut all the bonds except the friendship they built with time and the bond shared by the presence of their son, he still is affected by some things she does.

It doesnt feel like its over. Maybe im in denial. Ill continue NC her for now. Dunno if ill be able, im starting to miss her again :/ .

[Skip]

It might be a good idea to look at some of the tools on the Staying Board.

These tool are designed to establish more harmony in relating to each other.

Careful with N/C.  It sounds like tat might trigger a lot of drama (her side) and emotional anxiety on your side.

Can you establish a lower contact level that gives you enough room to process the what your reality is.

For example, the fact that she is living with her husband and boy means she really hasn't really closed the door and processed/healed that relationship.

[Junknown]

Thanks for the input.

Lately ive been trying to LC because of all the turbulence to clear my head. But we ended up missing each other and the distance dissapeared. Thats what happened yesterday. With the withdrawal of the distance we hurt each other, build up more distance. But with time we end up going the same way again. Its a cycle  . It got worse since she betrayed me because i started being more critic of everything and trying to invest in myself.

Yeah, but i think she never really healed from any of her previous relationships. With time, she would end up recontacting the guys she left, that she talked so badly about and even, in certain periods of time getting confused and not knowing what to do, like she was fighting a side of her that wanted to reunite with them and talk (she even admited she loved some of them still). I guess its part of the disease. To be doomed by all the scars from the previous relationships and also by making us, the other side get so attached that we also never really heal and hold a scar inside of us.

But by talking around here and learning more of the problem im getting more emotionally stable, not getting so depressed when she talks badly and devaluates me or something bad happens to us.

[Junknown]

Ah, and many of them she still has on facebook. And the ones she doesnt she has a fake profile that used to follow or try to add them. Its really weird tough. Like she feels the need to know they didnt get over her. She even told me that every guy that was with her couldnt get another person, because everyone of them was flawed... .

[LettingGo14]

But by talking around here and learning more of the problem im getting more emotionally stable, not getting so depressed when she talks badly and devaluates me or something bad happens to us.

This is an excellent self-insight, and one that serves as a good foundation for you.  When we learn about BPD we gain a perspective that allows us to stop letting behaviors cut us so deeply -- and, more importantly, we turn attention and focus to our own needs, and healing.

Keep posting.  You are in the right place.

[Aussie JJ]

But by talking around here and learning more of the problem im getting more emotionally stable, not getting so depressed when she talks badly and devaluates me or something bad happens to us.

This is an excellent self-insight, and one that serves as a good foundation for you.  When we learn about BPD we gain a perspective that allows us to stop letting behaviors cut us so deeply -- and, more importantly, we turn attention and focus to our own needs, and healing.

Keep posting.  You are in the right place.

This i so true for me, without others experiences i would be consumed by FOG.  Knowing its alright to feel like this and knowing its ok to be totally lost and that it is a disorder that they cant control is assisting me a huge amount.  Letting go of the anger so to speak (slowly) and starting to accept it for what it is. 

I have also learnt so much more about myself through this.