Anyone else feeling like "super-spouse/partner"?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi Family,

This post is going to sound a little nuts.

As many of you know from my previous posts, my xhwBPD did a number on me (I think we've all been there). During our marriage, I often felt like I had to be a Stepford wife. If I cleaned the house (which he never so much as put milk away), then he'd find some little insignificant thing and complain about it. I often felt as though I had to be Martha Stewart (you know, before the prison time), in order to get him off my back. Nothing I cooked was ever good enough, so I studied cook books and watched Food Network until my eyeballs nearly bled. There were bedroom troubles, so (despite my not wanting to have sex with him in the end), I tried to be a little vixen. Lingerie, massage oil, a little kink, a little spice ... .thankfully he was an incredibly boring lover so I didn't have to invest much on that level, just be willing to do the deed at a moment's notice. It wasn't enough that I was smart, I had to be the best at everything. Get big government grants, put out cutting edge research, but the minute my career took me into the media, he wasn't too thrilled about that. Oh no, I could be successful, just not popular. No matter how much I earned, it was never enough. He wanted a bigger house, a better car, why couldn't I just publish that book? Why weren't my grades / publications good enough for the better research grants? Why did I have to waste so much time on subjects I was passionate about when I could just do the research he felt paid more instead?

I had to run the errands, pay the bills, look pretty, never cry, never be weak, never complain, let him sit his fat ___ in front of the TV or the computer day in and day out, support him in his career and his revolving door of low paying, dead end jobs, raise our baby, answer all his texts and calls right away, comfort him after a zombie movie kept him awake at night scared, listen to his endless, obsessive rants about coworkers and bosses and his insane family (that could go on for weeks), and at the end of the day, thank him for the privilege.

Oh, and if I wasn't grateful for the "privilege" and expressing my gratitude every minute of every day, well then, there was hell to pay.

Sometimes I feel like this is "relationship boot camp". Or "relationship POW camp".

Sometimes I think, is there someone out there that wouldn't want a spouse/partner with this level of commitment? I mean, I hear the men and women on here and out there in life, and I think I make a damn good catch!

So why do his words still cut into me and make me feel worthless? Lately his smear campaign has taken new heights. He's attacking me via text and email for every little thing. Especially as a mother.

A mother, I might add, who is home EVERY NIGHT and EVERY WEEKEND for her child. Despite the demands of my career, and everything else going on.

He often says, "God help the next guy who gets you" when blaming me for everything that went wrong. Sometimes I feel like saying, "Yeah, I'm sure he'll be praying to God soon enough."

And I know this sounds horribly narcissistic, but you know what? It's not. The truth is, I'll move mountains for someone who shows me appreciation, because I have experience moving mountains for an ungrateful man-baby, unfortunately. What I've learned at this stage is that if someone is unappreciative of my efforts, I'll pull up a beach chair and watch them drown (so to speak). I'm done with anyone lacking a sense of decency and gratitude.

[MommaBear]

Hi Family,

This post is going to sound a little nuts.

As many of you know from my previous posts, my xhwBPD did a number on me (I think we've all been there). During our marriage, I often felt like I had to be a Stepford wife. If I cleaned the house (which he never so much as put milk away), then he'd find some little insignificant thing and complain about it. I often felt as though I had to be Martha Stewart (you know, before the prison time), in order to get him off my back. Nothing I cooked was ever good enough, so I studied cook books and watched Food Network until my eyeballs nearly bled. There were bedroom troubles, so (despite my not wanting to have sex with him in the end), I tried to be a little vixen. Lingerie, massage oil, a little kink, a little spice ... .thankfully he was an incredibly boring lover so I didn't have to invest much on that level, just be willing to do the deed at a moment's notice. It wasn't enough that I was smart, I had to be the best at everything. Get big government grants, put out cutting edge research, but the minute my career took me into the media, he wasn't too thrilled about that. Oh no, I could be successful, just not popular. No matter how much I earned, it was never enough. He wanted a bigger house, a better car, why couldn't I just publish that book? Why weren't my grades / publications good enough for the better research grants? Why did I have to waste so much time on subjects I was passionate about when I could just do the research he felt paid more instead?

I had to run the errands, pay the bills, look pretty, never cry, never be weak, never complain, let him sit his fat ___ in front of the TV or the computer day in and day out, support him in his career and his revolving door of low paying, dead end jobs, raise our baby, answer all his texts and calls right away, comfort him after a zombie movie kept him awake at night scared, listen to his endless, obsessive rants about coworkers and bosses and his insane family (that could go on for weeks), and at the end of the day, thank him for the privilege.

Oh, and if I wasn't grateful for the "privilege" and expressing my gratitude every minute of every day, well then, there was hell to pay.

Sometimes I feel like this is "relationship boot camp". Or "relationship POW camp".

Sometimes I think, is there someone out there that wouldn't want a spouse/partner with this level of commitment? I mean, I hear the men and women on here and out there in life, and I think I make a damn good catch!

So why do his words still cut into me and make me feel worthless? Lately his smear campaign has taken new heights. He's attacking me via text and email for every little thing. Especially as a mother.

A mother, I might add, who is home EVERY NIGHT and EVERY WEEKEND for her child. Despite the demands of my career, and everything else going on.

He often says, "God help the next guy who gets you" when blaming me for everything that went wrong. Sometimes I feel like saying, "Yeah, I'm sure he'll be praying to God soon enough."

And I know this sounds horribly narcissistic, but you know what? It's not. The truth is, I'll move mountains for someone who shows me appreciation, because I have experience moving mountains for an ungrateful man-baby, unfortunately. What I've learned at this stage is that if someone is unappreciative of my efforts, I'll pull up a beach chair and watch them drown (so to speak). I'm done with anyone lacking a sense of decency and gratitude.

[Mutt]

Mommabear you're an amazing woman.

I agree with you. BPD is a mountain I can't move. It took me a long time to get that. The energy spent on trying to fix a disorder I can't fix is better spent elsewhere in my books. I spend that energy on my kids. That's a mountain worth moving. I can help them deal with the fallout and collateral damage ex is doing. She's too narcissistic to see what she's doing which makes me sad but it is what it is.

Love can't conquer this disorder - we're not above it. They need to help themselves.

[MommaBear]

Mommabear you're an amazing woman.

Thanks, but even now, I feel like I'm never good enough. I'm trapped in this mentality that I still have to be perfect. All the time. At everything. And what I really want is to just eat raw cookie dough in my pajamas and not worry about the calories, or whatever workload is waiting for me! I wish this feeling would go away!

I agree with you. BPD is a mountain I can't move. It took me a long time to get that. The energy spent on trying to fix a disorder I can't fix is better spent elsewhere in my books. I spend that energy on my kids. That's a mountain worth moving. I can help them deal with the fallout and collateral damage ex is doing. She's too narcissistic to see what she's doing which makes me sad but it is what it is.

Love can't conquer this disorder - we're not above it. They need to help themselves.

When I think of our child, this reality breaks my heart. I feel like now, I have to be perfectly SANE, if that makes any sense. I have to be supermom, and not superwife. The little one, after all, only has one strong parent to lean on.

Why is it so difficult to take time for ourselves? I do it, because I know I have to, but the guilt is always there, eating away at me. I still hear his voice, telling me I should be doing this or that instead. I've been craving downtime for so long, and now that I have it, I have to force myself to FEEL it without feeling the guilt.

Ugh. Does this ever end?

[Mutt]

Thanks, but even now, I feel like I'm never good enough. I'm trapped in this mentality that I still have to be perfect. All the time. At everything. And what I really want is to just eat raw cookie dough in my pajamas and not worry about the calories, or whatever workload is waiting for me! I wish this feeling would go away!

Do you self validate? Tell yourself that you are good? Life and the world is imperfect. We can't change that. I accept the imperfections that are in this world and flow with it, instead of against it. A lot of stress comes from trying to control things that we cannot. Mindfullness. Have you read Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach?

When I think of our child, this reality breaks my heart. I feel like now, I have to be perfectly SANE, if that makes any sense. I have to be supermom, and not superwife. The little one, after all, only has one strong parent to lean on.

Why is it so difficult to take time for ourselves? I do it, because I know I have to, but the guilt is always there, eating away at me. I still hear his voice, telling me I should be doing this or that instead. I've been craving downtime for so long, and now that I have it, I have to force myself to FEEL it without feeling the guilt.

Ugh. Does this ever end?

I know how you feel and I understand the guilt I had to look at my FOO to understand why I had those voices telling me that I'm not good enough. I was carrying guilt and shame that wasn't mine. It came from my Narcissistic father. I had to let it go.

We are hard on ourselves for a reason. Just being you is good enough - you don't need to be a super-mom. It takes time to find the answers and work through all of this stuff. Be kind to yourself. Your a good mom. Your kid is lucky to have you.

[seeking balance]

I'm trapped in this mentality that I still have to be perfect. All the time. At everything.

I get this, totally.

Brene' Brown - Gifts of Imperfection and Daring Greatly really helped me dig into this.

Summary - perfection is another way to avoid feeling pain.  IF we can do everything perfectly, then we do not have to experience loss, shame or pain.  Another numbing tool.

[BacknthSaddle]

Thanks, but even now, I feel like I'm never good enough. I'm trapped in this mentality that I still have to be perfect. All the time. At everything.

I feel this way too, and I always have.  This is linked to our attraction to BPD for several reasons, not least of which is that perfectionist people-pleasers (often people like myself who struggle with "fraud complexes" get a lot of validation through the initial mirroring process.  I really AM good enough!  I'm not a fraud!  This person sees the value in me that I work so hard to show the world every day!

Of course, then when the fire burns out and the devaluation begins, the pain is extra hard to bear.  My ex doesn't have anything like the education or professional success that I do, but when she said "everyone here thinks you're a genius, but I know the truth," it stung incredibly hard (even though she was "just teasing".  This is the person who knows me better than anyone, right?  And now she has realized that I am a fraud!  That I'm not nearly as good as a I lead people to believe!  This is where my thoughts go, ridiculous as it is.  

THIS is the area in myself that I've been trying to work on since the breakup.  I know I can't fix her, can't fix her emotional dysregulation or her disordered relationship habits or anything else.  What I can work on is my own sense of self-worth.  My lack of self-worth is the reason I NEEDED this woman in my life to begin with.  I have to get to a place where I appreciate my own intrinsic value (separate from accomplishments), where I recognize my own needs as valid and worth attending to, etc.

The reasons I feel this way go back to my family of origin, of course.  I have to investigate further and try to repair whatever wounds are there.

My point is: the recognition of these feelings is a good thing. This relationship did a number on you, for sure, but it also revealed to you deficits in your own emotional health, and this can be a path to a happier life.  Or so I believe.  

[Emelie Emelie]

Hey Momma Bear - I felt/feel the need to be "perfect" all the time as well.  Funny because when I tried to defend myself from his barbs he would sneer "you think you're perfect".  Of course we don't.  I think we feel like we're fundamentally not good enough, despite our accomplishments (and yours appear to many).  I've realized if I didn't have self worth issues I wouldn't have stayed in this relationship as long as I did.  I wouldn't have put up with the abusive behavior.  And I certainly wouldn't have gone back for more.  It sounds like you're doing very well.  Affirming yourself and your worth.  Good for you.

[JohnLove]

Hello MommaBear. You do sound like an amazing woman. I am curious as to what you have achieved but that's none of our business. Although I am unfamiliar with the specifics of your story I will offer an observation based on your post (that doesn't even sound close to a little nuts). What is nuts is that you feel you are or have endured these unreasonable situations at home while being completely unappreciated and unsupported. That is unsustainable. What you have posted describes your feeling quite articulately.

I hear you in relation to eating raw cookie dough in your pyjama's (without worrying about the calories). That is probably the most comforting, relaxing, enjoyable thing I can think of that is just about being free and easy with yourself... .but even then you still have to worry about the calories. You need to let go... .how?... .I'm unsure but what I am sure of is that you are finding your path.

Is your man-baby sitting his fat ___ on a deck chair at the beach while watching YOU drown?.

Save yourself.

[MommaBear]

Thanks everyone, this does put things in perspective.

I'm not looking for recognition or a pat on the back, I mean, I do my job because I love it. I never went into this type of research for the money, and he knew that going into the relationship with me. But thanks for the kind words, everyone. It's nice to know I'm not "damaged goods" (as his family often called me).

I was never a perfectionist before hand, so it's tough to try and figure out where these feelings came from, and why I put up with him for so long.

I have a few ideas, but I'm still hammering them out. Might post about it once I give it a good long think.

In the meantime, JohnLove said something that made me laugh:

Is your man-baby sitting his fat ___ on a deck chair at the beach while watching YOU drown?.

Save yourself.

He sat in that beach chair for ages. Now he's up, he's angry, and he's throwing buckets of water on me. He doesn't even realize the impact this has on our child.

Oh, I'm saving myself. And the little one. And if he falls overboard yet again, his replacement can struggle and have him pull her under while he climbs right back into that beach chair and wonders why nothing ever makes him happy.

Love how you put this in perspective for me. Thanks! 

[Popcorn71]

I can understand how you feel.  My exBPDh expected me to change according to his needs.  He wanted me to be everything and always took an opportunity to point out faults, such as my lack of cooking skills (which nobody else ever had a problem with) and various other 'problems' he had with me.  I never quite knew what he wanted me to be.  He'd expect me to dress up and wanted a 'dolly bird' to show off, but then another day would expect me to do dirty, heavy, 'mans work' to help him.  I had to want him and be available for him whenever he wanted, and he didn't understand that the 'put downs' had a negative affect on my desire for him.

Now I can see that I was actually too good for him.  I think that's what he didn't like.  He had to bring me down a peg or two as he felt inferior.  He did a very good job of that because for a long time I have felt that I wasn't good enough.

Maybe you were just too good for him.

[myself]

It was like spinning in place, being so busy keeping everything together. The longer and faster I spun, the more it became the norm. You get kind of used to it. Settling into exhaustion, frustration, self doubt, etc. It seemed strange to slow it down, as if I wasn't doing enough anymore. But now that the r/s is over, there's no need to spin at that pace. You mean I can actually relax sometimes? And not be second guessed about everything? It's taken some adjusting, but I'm getting the hang of it. Much more peaceful now.

[Caredverymuch]

Hi Family,

This post is going to sound a little nuts.

As many of you know from my previous posts, my xhwBPD did a number on me (I think we've all been there). During our marriage, I often felt like I had to be a Stepford wife. If I cleaned the house (which he never so much as put milk away), then he'd find some little insignificant thing and complain about it. I often felt as though I had to be Martha Stewart (you know, before the prison time), in order to get him off my back. Nothing I cooked was ever good enough, so I studied cook books and watched Food Network until my eyeballs nearly bled. There were bedroom troubles, so (despite my not wanting to have sex with him in the end), I tried to be a little vixen. Lingerie, massage oil, a little kink, a little spice ... .thankfully he was an incredibly boring lover so I didn't have to invest much on that level, just be willing to do the deed at a moment's notice. It wasn't enough that I was smart, I had to be the best at everything. Get big government grants, put out cutting edge research, but the minute my career took me into the media, he wasn't too thrilled about that. Oh no, I could be successful, just not popular. No matter how much I earned, it was never enough. He wanted a bigger house, a better car, why couldn't I just publish that book? Why weren't my grades / publications good enough for the better research grants? Why did I have to waste so much time on subjects I was passionate about when I could just do the research he felt paid more instead?

I had to run the errands, pay the bills, look pretty, never cry, never be weak, never complain, let him sit his fat ___ in front of the TV or the computer day in and day out, support him in his career and his revolving door of low paying, dead end jobs, raise our baby, answer all his texts and calls right away, comfort him after a zombie movie kept him awake at night scared, listen to his endless, obsessive rants about coworkers and bosses and his insane family (that could go on for weeks), and at the end of the day, thank him for the privilege.

Oh, and if I wasn't grateful for the "privilege" and expressing my gratitude every minute of every day, well then, there was hell to pay.

Sometimes I feel like this is "relationship boot camp". Or "relationship POW camp".

Sometimes I think, is there someone out there that wouldn't want a spouse/partner with this level of commitment? I mean, I hear the men and women on here and out there in life, and I think I make a damn good catch!

So why do his words still cut into me and make me feel worthless? Lately his smear campaign has taken new heights. He's attacking me via text and email for every little thing. Especially as a mother.

A mother, I might add, who is home EVERY NIGHT and EVERY WEEKEND for her child. Despite the demands of my career, and everything else going on.

He often says, "God help the next guy who gets you" when blaming me for everything that went wrong. Sometimes I feel like saying, "Yeah, I'm sure he'll be praying to God soon enough."

And I know this sounds horribly narcissistic, but you know what? It's not. The truth is, I'll move mountains for someone who shows me appreciation, because I have experience moving mountains for an ungrateful man-baby, unfortunately. What I've learned at this stage is that if someone is unappreciative of my efforts, I'll pull up a beach chair and watch them drown (so to speak). I'm done with anyone lacking a sense of decency and gratitude.

Hello Mommabear,

I believe you used this terminology on another thread whereby you astutely stated that being in a r/s with a pBPD eventually allows them to become the emotional terrorist to their emotional hostage. I believe that to be a very accurate assessment.  So, you get the whole BPD dynamic but remember, they also continually up the ante. So nothing you do is truly ever enough. 

You clearly are a very intelligent, articulate, detail oriented, uber responsible woman. Most research based professionals possess these fine qualities. I additionally admire your ability to offer needed comic relief when reflecting on this dysfunctional aftermath of coocieville we are all struggling with.

R/s w pBPD are crazy making. I often used that very terminology with my ex. So crazy making that they make US feel crazy in time. Intellect takes a step aside after a while.

Having a child with your ex keeps you in the r/s yet. It's a plus and minus for some of us struggling with NC but the reminders are likely still there when you maintain contact bc of your child. Triggers. They go off without any notice.

I was like you in my marriage. Very much so. I was married to a textbook pNPD. Nothing was enough. Ever. I also made a decision to stay in the union for my children. So I absolutely put my emotional needs aside and became a mutlitasker without choice which never allowed me to reflect accordingly on my unmet emotional needs. I just did what you are doing. From morning till night. Hit repeat button times 365.

When I stopped giving my validity over to my expNPD, he literally lost his control. And when a disordered individual loses control over their partner, they literally quit and withdraw fully. Black and white across both the NPD and BPD spectrums. They just go about it in different ways.

You haven't gotten to that point.  This took me years while in that marriage.  It was a very healthy process but I had unfortunately not done enough inner work as I was free of a pNPD and then seduced by a pBPD. The perfect storm, hey?

At the end of the day, these men were the very same person although they appeared to me as unwaveringly different. The pNPD was cold and emotionally distant. Always. The pBPD was the total opposite. Warm and emotionally full.  I didn't see the same dynamic, clearly.

The end result was I gave my self worth over to two men who invalidated me. Just in different ways. The pBPD r/s was the far worse bc I always knew what I was getting with the pNPD. I was blinded by the pBPD and the emotional destruction was just tremendous.

I will not place my self worth in the hands of anyone else ever again.

Time now is spent on me. I see all the red flags in others now. One hour spent with a potential new mate is all I need to get my understanding. I listen clearly now when ppl are telling me who they are. It's been one very good end result of both of these disordered r/s.

My boundaries are well defined. It's a much different way. Why it often feels more difficult bc it takes effort and continual work to self love and be okay with putting up boundaries that are entirely about me. It takes time alone too without all the busyness to do this work.  We're opening ourselves up widely.

I hope to one day meet someone (who doesn't mind taking a little 90 min personality test first and based upon the resultant criteria indicating the lack of NPD or BPD) spend some time enjoying the better me... .in our beach chairs... .by much calmer waters.  But if I don't meet him, I'll still be okay. Bc i like who I am becoming.

I hope for that for you too Momma. Bc I think you ROCK!

[refusetosuccumb]

Thank you MommaBear.  I identify with basically every single word you've said. 

People frequently say to me "I don't know how you get it all done" when I was with my ex (almost 3.5 months free!)  I worked full time in a demanding career, took care of all things child and household related, paid the bills, shopped for groceries, participated with the kiddos in extracurricular activities and babysat exPBDp.  He is a musician, so I also got gigs for him and went to all his concerts.

Now that I'm on my own, my energy goes to myself and the children.  I, too, am bad at "downtime" but I'm forcing myself to work through that.  I am currently sitting around unfolded laundry, surfing the internet.  But somehow feel bad about it.  I need to get over myself, .

[seeking balance]

I was never a perfectionist before hand, so it's tough to try and figure out where these feelings came from, and why I put up with him for so long.

The book is called Stop Walking on Eggshells for a reason.  Perfection comes from trying to please someone not capable of being pleased.  We repeat patterns because there is something familiar... .the reason you stayed so long?  Likely a combination of FOO, personal values, and shame... .

You can learn from the past, analyze, feel your feelings - this is all good.  The thing is, now you are rebuilding yourself.  You can choose to do things differently now.

Not sure if you have read Betrayal Bond - might be a book you want to pick up also.