Now having panic attacks

[willy45]

This has never happened to me before in my life (other than during these periods with my ex... .)... .Having a series of panic attacks today. What the heck. I was totally fine a week ago when my ex was not anywhere close to being in my life. Not even close. Now I'm having massive panic attacks. Really? What the heck. What's going on?

[1989]

Oh Willy, I am so sorry you are going through this.  I think it's a trauma response.  I think it's a type of PTSD response.  Your body has sensed danger and is responding to it.

One thing that helped me is to breathe in deeply for 3-5 counts, hold as long, and breathe out for 3-5 counts.  It helped me tremendously.  And walking.  Or pushing yourself physically, anything to release the stress.   Make your body work hard.

You are going to get through this, you've just exposed yourself again and your body seems to be responding.

I hope you feel better soon!

[letmeout]

Stress is whats going on.

I have read that a lot of us have, or have had panic attacks. I use to get them all of the time because the stress of dealing with a crazy person can be really hard.

Try alternative nostril breathing, it can usually halt a panic attack. Put your thumb over one nostril and breath in to a count of 6 through the other nostril, then out through a count of six, repeat several times. Then switch your thumb to the other nostril and do the same thing. Continue back and forth until your panic attack subsides.

[Hopeless777]

After about three weeks of separation I woke up at 3AM in a total panic. I seriously thought I was dying. Got to a psychiatrist super fast. Diagnosed quickly and have been on anti-depressants now for three weeks. I don't know if they work, but no panic attacks and the "black moods" seem to be lessening in length and severity. I never take drugs, but I'm a believer. Don't try to just gut it out, get professional assistance.

[LettingGo14]

Don't try to just gut it out, get professional assistance.

I agree with Hopeless777, Willy.  Don't try to gut it out.  You have mentioned PTSD before.  Anxiety, or having panic attacks, is your body trying to tell you something.  Your cognitive brain wants to remain in control, but your emotional memory needs to reveal something. 

Will you consider returning to your T?

[myself]

You took another hit. Time for more detoxing. Kick it/ Stay NC.

You're so much closer to being fine again this time. Keep reaching for it.

You're letting go for real. It's deep and complicated. There's more light now.

[Mr Hollande]

I had them as well. It was a culmination of things. Not least stress at work but it also happened during a period of weekly to daily gaslighting episodes which often occurred just before night shift. It got so bad I was signed off sick for three months which became a turning point in work relations. Those 3 months away plus counselling cleared the panic attacks but unfortunately I stuck with Miss BPD for another 2 years. I'm dealing with that now.

I'll echo what others here have said. Don't tough it out. Get help with the attacks.

[Caredverymuch]

This has never happened to me before in my life (other than during these periods with my ex... .)... .Having a series of panic attacks today. What the heck. I was totally fine a week ago when my ex was not anywhere close to being in my life. Not even close. Now I'm having massive panic attacks. Really? What the heck. What's going on?

Im sorry you are having panic attacks Willy.  Maybe your recent communication from your ex ( i believe i read that in another thread you had heard from her forgive me if the details are a bit wrong) awoken a part if the betrayal trauma.  I know I will be doing just fine and merely passing my expBPD in traffic leaves me feeling anxious for the rest of the day. 

To recover from a trauma its said to avoid all situations that remind one of the trauma.  I think thats why I indeed feel anxious after a simple brief sighting.  It really is my body reacting to how unsure and continually off center I felt during the subsequent phases of that r/s which of course included massive devaluation, discardment and ultimately  abandonment.  Thats hard, hard stuff for one to make sense of.  I think as such it evokes that lingering anxiety in me when reawoken.

I agree with the others and hope you can see your T  and reach out for more support and that you feel better soon Willy.

[willy45]

Ug y'all. I feel ill with stress.

[Blimblam]

WIlly,

I had them also.  They got very bad.  I still feel them on the horizon.  They become more manageable as time goes on.  The big thing for me was to stop fighting against them and just accept the uncomfortable feeling and surrender to it. I am sorry you are going through this it's not fair.

blim

[blissful_camper]

Hi Willy,

I'm really sorry to hear that you're experiencing panic attacks. They are unsettling to put it mildly. I've suffered from anxiety and panic for most of my adult life.  I've managed it quite well over the years, but the stress of the r/s was so bad that my anxiety and panic became full blown.  Those symptoms lingered for months into the healing process.  

To alleviate the symptoms, try to find ways to burn the energy off, channeling it in positive ways. Exercise, take a walk, hiking.  Cut back on coffee and caffeine.  Get out into nature and take in the beauty.  :)istract yourself.  Mow the lawn, garden, water.   Watch a movie.  Be still, close your eyes, slow down. Soak in the tub.  

If this continues, I agree with the others that a visit with a doc is a good idea.  There's no shame in taking medication. Medication can help you through the rough patch and can 'reset' things so that you're better able to cope on your own. When you're able to cope without having anxiety and panic, you may not need meds anymore.  This will pass.  You experienced trauma, and it takes time for the body, spirit, and mind to process all this. The most important thing is that you take care of you.  Eat well, stay hydrated, and do what you can to reduce stress.    

(I take medication to manage my anxiety/panic attacks (low doses) and I will for the rest of my life. That's just the cards I was dealt.  I can think of worse ones.)

[Tausk]

This has never happened to me before in my life (other than during these periods with my ex... .)... .Having a series of panic attacks today. What the heck. I was totally fine a week ago when my ex was not anywhere close to being in my life. Not even close. Now I'm having massive panic attacks. Really? What the heck. What's going on?

What's going on?  Willy, I understand.  It sucks.  It's like incredibly painful, yet I can't even move to relieve the pain a bit.  And the fear is overwhelming.

What going on?

Do you need to ask.  When a heroin addict starts shooting up again, and then finds himself Bat Sht Crzy to fix again, he doesn't ask what's going on.  When an alcoholic runs out of booze, he doesn't ask what's going on.

I understand how hard it is.  I understand how painful it is.  Maybe listen to what the Panic Attacks are trying to tell you.  

Because the fact of the matter, if you continue to engage in interaction with your ex, you're going to end up in this spot.  And it's going to get worse if you go back.  Each time we relapse it's not like we manage to stay our ground and keep our recovery.  Instead we move to the place where we would have been had we never left in the the first place.

Don't ask me why.  It doesn't make total sense,  but it's true of any addiction.  

Are you sick and tired of being sick and tired.  Are you willing to admit the Disorder is more powerful than you?

Many people never recover.  Many people are damaged beyond repair.  Many stay in innocent victim mode or vengeful angry mode or just suffering lonely mode.   People just stay in that spot and never recover.  

It's sad but true.  

If you continue to engage, the Panic Attacks will get worse.  The self contempt will get worse.  The fear will get worse.  The anger will get worse.  The Disorder will consume your soul.  

So when you think about interacting with your ex, remember, it's not the caboose that kills, it's the engine car that does the damage.  

I hope it's not too late for you.  

I hope it's not too late for me.  I'm often not sure.

[Infared]

This has never happened to me before in my life (other than during these periods with my ex... .)... .Having a series of panic attacks today. What the heck. I was totally fine a week ago when my ex was not anywhere close to being in my life. Not even close. Now I'm having massive panic attacks. Really? What the heck. What's going on?

What's going on?  Willy, I understand.  It sucks.  It's like incredibly painful, yet I can't even move to relieve the pain a bit.  And the fear is overwhelming.

What going on?

Do you need to ask.  When a heroin addict starts shooting up again, and then finds himself Bat Sht Crzy to fix again, he doesn't ask what's going on.  When an alcoholic runs out of booze, he doesn't ask what's going on.

I understand how hard it is.  I understand how painful it is.  Maybe listen to what the Panic Attacks are trying to tell you.  

Because the fact of the matter, if you continue to engage in interaction with your ex, you're going to end up in this spot.  And it's going to get worse if you go back.  Each time we relapse it's not like we manage to stay our ground and keep our recovery.  Instead we move to the place where we would have been had we never left in the the first place.

Don't ask me why.  It doesn't make total sense,  but it's true of any addiction.  

Are you sick and tired of being sick and tired.  Are you willing to admit the Disorder is more powerful than you?

Many people never recover.  Many people are damaged beyond repair.  Many stay in innocent victim mode or vengeful angry mode or just suffering lonely mode.   People just stay in that spot and never recover.  

It's sad but true.  

If you continue to engage, the Panic Attacks will get worse.  The self contempt will get worse.  The fear will get worse.  The anger will get worse.  The Disorder will consume your soul.  

So when you think about interacting with your ex, remember, it's not the caboose that kills, it's the engine car that does the damage.  

I hope it's not too late for you.  

I hope it's not too late for me.  I'm often not sure.

AMEN.

[willy45]

Hey Guys,

Thank you for your thoughtful comments. I really appreciate it. The panic attacks have gone away for the past couple of days. Gone. Not feeling like a million bucks but feeling pretty good. Why?

Well, I've gotten a few emails from my ex over the past few days. One was a random email about something that I work on and that she was on a hike over the weekend. I responded and said thanks and glad she had a fun weekend. She responded: 'I wouldn't qualify it as fun but I needed it'. And then she wrote a paragraph about how she is having an existential crisis, trying to figure out who she is, and blah, blah, blah.

Then it dawned on me. She is the same miserable, confused, crisis driven person that she was when I met her and that she was when I was with her. There is literally nothing I can do about it and, more importantly, nothing that I want to do about it. I have better things to do than try to fix something that isn't fixable.

So, I think the panic attacks where the fear of getting back together with her (don't even know if that is an option... .nor do I want to know). But, that was the fear none the less. That I would get back in and not be able to control it. The last few days I have realized that I really and truly don't want to go back. This person is ill and there is nothing I can do about it. I have a lot going on. And I should focus on that. And, I deserve and can get much more than this. I deserve to have some more consistency and I deserve to be with someone who has their ___ together.

So, feeling better. Hopefully this lasts. Need to figure out a plan moving forward though.

[Caredverymuch]

Hey Guys,

Thank you for your thoughtful comments. I really appreciate it. The panic attacks have gone away for the past couple of days. Gone. Not feeling like a million bucks but feeling pretty good. Why?

Well, I've gotten a few emails from my ex over the past few days. One was a random email about something that I work on and that she was on a hike over the weekend. I responded and said thanks and glad she had a fun weekend. She responded: 'I wouldn't qualify it as fun but I needed it'. And then she wrote a paragraph about how she is having an existential crisis, trying to figure out who she is, and blah, blah, blah.

Then it dawned on me. She is the same miserable, confused, crisis driven person that she was when I met her and that she was when I was with her. There is literally nothing I can do about it and, more importantly, nothing that I want to do about it. I have better things to do than try to fix something that isn't fixable.

So, I think the panic attacks where the fear of getting back together with her (don't even know if that is an option... .nor do I want to know). But, that was the fear none the less. That I would get back in and not be able to control it. The last few days I have realized that I really and truly don't want to go back. This person is ill and there is nothing I can do about it. I have a lot going on. And I should focus on that. And, I deserve and can get much more than this. I deserve to have some more consistency and I deserve to be with someone who has their ___ together.

So, feeling better. Hopefully this lasts. Need to figure out a plan moving forward though.

Happy for you Willy! Keep up the good work and your self care.

I think the anxiety often surfaces due to the false belief the pBPD is " all better" while we remain struggling.  The validity you gained in your recent communication is the truth we tend to forget. 

[camuse]

This is great willy! So pleased for you

My ex said I made her stressed and miserable, and discarded me. But during the few weeks we remained in touch before I went NC, she seemed to get more and more miserable. She said she felt empty inside, her eating disorder got worse because she wanted "my body to be wrecked like my brain," she cried all the time, didn't sleep. A friend of mine said, why not just get back together - you are both miserable anyway, how much worse can it be? :D

At the time I thought, well if she feels like this when we are apart, I must have made her feel really terrible - because she would rather have this than the nice life we had together! I must have been truly terrible. I felt terrible guilt.

But of course, it's not about us at all. They are ruined, and we can make no difference at all to that.

I heard now that she is homeless and working as a "high class" prostitute. I cannot tell you had sad that makes me, how I feel sad I couldn't save her and make her happy, but I must remember like you - they are permanently ruined and completely unfixable. I am irrelevant to it.

[Infared]

Glad you are feeling better Willy... .sure is a roller-coaster-ride... .I finally got mine down to a lasagna ripple... even if I run into her... .you are getting there, too!

[willy45]

Yeah. Thanks all. I appreciate it. Every contact with her triggers me. My 'savior' mode is now back. And she is once again completely on my mind. I feel like I 'love her' but don't really even like her. Such a weird feeling.

She sent me an email last night about her existential crisis (like there has ever been a time when she hasn't been in one... .). I sent an email back telling her that it was a bummer but that was sure she would figure it out. No reply. I didn't want to come to the rescue. I'm sure that pissed her off.

Now though, I know for a fact she doesn't care about my boundaries. At all. Don't know what to do. I'm bummed that I don't seem to care either.

[BacknthSaddle]

Yeah. Thanks all. I appreciate it. Every contact with her triggers me. My 'savior' mode is now back. And she is once again completely on my mind. I feel like I 'love her' but don't really even like her. Such a weird feeling.

This was me for a very large proportion of the relationship. Though I loved her, knew I didn't really even like her. Should have listened to my instincts. Now I feel urges to contact her even though I can think of nothing at all to say.

Now though, I know for a fact she doesn't care about my boundaries. At all. Don't know what to do. I'm bummed that I don't seem to care either.

She was so relentless in testing your boundaries that ultimately you relented. Understandable. We are all human, and there was heavy FOG involved. But now you've compromised your boundaries, and you have to re-establish them by doing what you were doing before.

If she can be so steadfast in challenging your boundaries, you can be equally steadfast in defending them.

[Emelie Emelie]

Yes Willy!  I can so relate.  I still love him but I don't like him.  I don't like the person he is.  I don't like the way he behaves.  It confuses the hell out of me.  I think maybe we can love the person aside from their BPD behaviors while disliking their BPD behaviors.  It helps me to focus on the dislike.  To remember that this is not the kind of person I want to be with.  Trying to accept the fact that I love someone I can't be with because of those behaviors.

[myself]

Why are you still playing emotional ping pong with her?

What are you not letting go of? What keeps you tied to her?

[willy45]

That's a great question. I wish I knew the answer. The conversation was strange. I guess I just have an overwhelming grief that I haven't yet faced. It keeps coming back. And I'm so confused as to what she wants, why she does this. I guess the same reason why all of us are on these boards... .To try to understand what doesn't make any sense. Both for them, in terms of their behavior, and for us, in terms of ours. Why do I live in this fantasy that all will be great when I know it won't. It can't be. Why am I always drawn back in? It doesn't make sense.

[Blimblam]

"Your punishment must be more severe [than death], [torture] but not of your body of your soul... .There's a reason why this prison is the worst hell on earth,hope ... .There can be no true despair without hope... .So, as I terrorize Gotham I will feed them hope to poison their souls"  - Bane, from Dark knight rises

Things will be great! One day.  But just not how you had hoped.  Your relation to hope needs to change in order to heal your soul. Hope for yourself.  Reclaim hope.

[willy45]

Hmmm... .Yeah. I guess I hope she goes away. That would be great. I hope I have the ability to stay away.

[BorisAcusio]

I agree with BacknthSaddle. These interactions provide an invaluable opportunity to examine our true motives.

Though I loved her, knew I didn't really even like her

Seems a quite common theme shared by many of us. The discrepancy most likely stems from that we actually loved a fantasy image of them, rather than the actual person. Ignoring our gut feeling and instincts was a way to this retain this fantasy. 2010 once wrote that there is no such thing as a non when it comes to these relationships. It takes two to tango in the disordered dance.

When recently contacted by her I've too felt the instant rush when she signaled the need for a savior, like I've finally reclaimed my value. It's not something that you would normally experience after prolonged emotional abuse.

Now though, I know for a fact she doesn't care about my boundaries. At all. Don't know what to do. I'm bummed that I don't seem to care either.

As you expereinced, borderlines don't understand the concept of boundaries and she's providing something that is incredibly valuable for you(us). Makes you feel like living again. It is a recipe for disaster that is bound to happen. She doesn't have the capacity to change, there is no possibility for an adult reciprocal relationship while the destruction is very real and inevitable. Knowing this, why continue the disordered dance?

I blocked her from every possible avenue of communication.