Advice on Parenting with dBPDw

[Inquisitive1]

My dBPDw got really angry around 11pm last night about my son joining a Ultimate Frisbee Club at college. She has some legitimate concerns, but I feel like a lot of her anger and her current position on my son joining the club are driven more by the feeling she's been cut out of the decision making, disrespected by me, and old resentments about my Ultimate Frisbee. I had mentioned to her earlier in the evening he was going to the Ultimate club and she did not react. The trigger for her 11pm anger was me looking at the website for the club.

Early in our marriage, I played a lot of Ultimate and smoked a lot of pot. And she's been resentful of Ultimate ever since.

To give me good advice, you’ll need the context of my son’s last year.

My son graduate high school a year ago. That summer he was smoking too much pot. Near the end of summer, his pot smoking progressed to an out of control level. We grounded him. For a couple of weeks, then let him visit a friend who didn’t smoke who was out of town. While away, he had a panic attack and we had to go get him. After that, my wife wanted to keep him home from college but my son really wanted to go and promised to stop smoking the ganja. I advocated for letting him go—I didn’t know if he’d make it, but he was saying all the right things and seeing the lead counselor at the collage weekly. I felt he had to be given the chance.

It didn’t work out. He smoked a lot of pot, lied to the counselor, and didn’t go to class. He withdrew part way through the semester. He was very depressed upon withdrawing, in part due to the pot, and checked into a psychiatric hospital due to suicidal ideation.

My wife blamed me for this, but I think we had to let him try. Therapy didn’t work while he was at college b/c he didn’t take it seriously. His failure motivated him to really engage in therapy. We got him in a group with a good therapist and after a little stumbling, he really engaged in it. I could see a difference in him. Then I told him is he wanted to go to school this fall he’d need to apply to a different local college. He did that, with some support, but he led the whole thing  (Unlike his first college applications that mother mostly did for him.) And now, a bit less than a year after his hopitalization, he’s living at home, still engaged in therapy, about to start at a different, local college.

The dilemma is that I suggested he join a club. My wife got very mad because I didn’t consult with her about it before making the suggestion and she’s afraid the club will have a bunch of pot smokers. I agree with her that he shouldn’t participate in a club if people are openly smoking pot as part of it, but we need to trust him to make these judgments. She wants to see two successful semesters before he starts doing the club. I said I couldn’t agree to that. I feel like he has already missed his true freshman year. He’s been on top of things this summer with limited peer interactions and this club would be a great way to start making new friends.

She said we’d need to compromise about this, but I really want him to be able to do the club under the condition that he assess the level of pot smoking and back out if they’re a bunch of pot heads.



All advice and help welcomed.

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[sweetheart]

Dare I say it I1 but I'm leaning to your wife's viewpoint. It sounds like a compromise might be a way to meet both your needs over this issue.

Reading it as a mum, your son has really been through a lot this last year, and if it were my son I would be inclined to hold off for a while on the club. I would want my son to find his feet for a while, familiarise himself with a new college and continue to engage with his therapy.

It might be that your son naturally finds himself a club that he is interested in once he makes new friends.

For your wife, obviously this particular club is a trigger for her, and for that reason I can understand her fear. What is so very positive is that she has been able to suggest reaching a compromise over this, that if you can meet her with will also validate how she is feeling, which might be a win win outcome for you all.

[vortex of confusion]

The first question that I had when reading was "How old is your son?" If he is college age, it seems like he should be the one to be able to make some of these decisions for himself. I realize that is not always possible especially if there are substance abuse problems. When I was in therapy in college, I had a therapist that focused heavily on making decisions. Part of that was to make lots of lists and look at lots of different options. :-)

It sounds like you and your wife are fighting to control your son. He is a person, not a pawn between the two of you. You and your wife should both be able to have a separate relationship with your son including being able to make suggestions and talk to him without the other person butting in all of the time. I know that is easier said than done. I am an adult and my parents still have these sorts of issues. My dad has to be very careful about how he relates to us kids. If he says or does anything that my mother perceives as wrong, he is going to catch hell. I don't know how to handle the fact that she knows that you made the suggestion but in the future you might be a little less forthcoming about your relationship with your son. My siblings and I all have a relationship with my dad but we have to be very careful about not upsetting mother. Is there anyway to establish some kind of boundary that says that you are allowed to have a relationship with your son that is independent of your wife?

Also, I wonder why you suggested ultimate frisbee. Does your son like those sorts of things or was it a suggestion based on his actual likes and interests? When I was in a really low spot, I went to my parents for help. My dad gave me money and told me to get away for a week. That is how he has always coped with my mother. He will up and get away for a while. Anyway, in the process of talking to me, he made some good suggestions like getting some new clothes or driving or other things that he knows that I like. He gave me quite a few suggestions. My mother on the other hand kept arguing with us both and was trying to tell me that I just had to go get my hair done and that would make everything better. It didn't matter that I don't like those things. It is one thing to give a list of several suggestions versus giving ONE suggestion.

Did your suggestion have pure motives or were there some underlying motives there? I have been trying to do a better job of being more honest with myself about my own motives and my own interactions with my kids. Sometimes, that means that I take up for my kids and simply deal with the fall out from my husband. One of the things that I wish my dad would do is stand up to my mother so that we could have a real relationship with him. If any of us want to have a real conversation with dad, we have to catch him without my mother around. I have noticed the same dynamic with me and my kids. If we want to have real conversations about some things, we have to do it when my husband isn't around and simply leave him out of the loop. I wish I could find a better way to deal with it because I want to be able to have a relationship with my kids that is completely separate from my husband. If I make a suggestion or recommendation, I don't want to feel like I am getting in trouble for it.

[Inquisitive1]

My son really enjoyed Ultimate in high school. So, while I suggested it and I'm a bit too enthusiastic about it, it is something he really wants to do on his own.

Thanks for the responses. I agree with sweetheart that my wife's point of view has some validity. I've found there is often a kernel of insight in her outbursts about our kids. In this case, we do need to have some ground rules for my son as he starts back to college.

vortex, we do need to develop the ability to have our separate relationships with our kids. My wife seems to get competitive about these things. Not wanting me to lead things without consulting. When I let her lead things. Like taking the kids on trips, which she plans and executes without me--it's a cool culturally enriching mother-child thing.

Vortex, I can also relate to needing to have conversations away from my wife. She can really fly off the handle and be down right mean when she disagrees. So, it's often better to discuss some things without her. I think that might be almost necessary when co-parenting with a BPD partner.

The good news is that it all worked out. I went out and when i spoke to my son again my wife had told him to go ahead and join that club if he wanted. Since she's stopped working and the stress of battling with her ex-boss has lifted, I've seen her regroup like this several times, which is really great.