Giving to Take Away?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I found my exuBPDbf was very generous, but always with conditions attached.  He seems to use material items to use as a reason for why I should be 'nicer' (translates as why I should accept his bull s**t). 

E.g. He bought me a Xmas present the first time we were together.  I also bought him a Xmas present that was well thought out and meaningful, but he spent more money. After the break up he wanted back his Xmas present as I was no longer entitled to it.  Not sure if it was really just a means of keeping the contact going.  Not once did he offer to 'exchange' the present for the one I got him, just wanted back what he had bought.

This time around we had agreed just to be friends.  And on the basis of him needing support to take his daughter away on holiday (due to his now physical disability) he offered to pay for me and my son to go away with them, an offer I was doubtful I would take up anyway as I wasn't convinced he was 'over' the issues he had the first time round as he reported to be as I hadn't had much interaction with him, particularly in real time.

We agreed before we considered that we had to at least have the kids spend a full day together to see how it went, and regardless of anything else he admitted his daughter has no friends from school around so wanted her to have more fun than just he can provide.  So we planned a day out.  He knew I wouldn't have the funds to cover that day until the day after he wanted to go, but was adamant he wanted to pay for it anyway, so I relented and he paid for the bulk of it. 

It was after this day out that he began asking if we liked his daughter, and then the million dollar question of whether he had annoyed me, and the subsequent rage that followed when I was honest, without being disrespectful, and not given the chance to explain further.

The rage mostly centred on how he had paid for the day out, how he and his daughter had gone out of their way to travel to my home, etc etc.  Whilst it's true that he did pay, and they did travel, he appears to have forgotten a few important factors... .a) he doesn't have room to put us up for us to travel to him, b) he was the one insisting on the timing and paying, c) he totally disrespected our home and behaved like he had some entitlement to act however he pleased whilst he was here, d) he now seems to be saying it was all for our benefit when in fact he was desperate to have company & support for himself & his daughter to be able to enjoy a full day out.

Is it a common factor that they place so much emphasis on the material side of things?  Do they deliberately use it as a way to control?  Or is it just that they are so desperate to feel loved that they will give more than they can realistically afford (whether that be time or money) then feel betrayed that they bothered when they don't get the validation they are looking for?

I actually can't think of anything worse than a week in this mans company, being expected to put up with his petulant mood swings and complete disregard for myself and my son, based on the fact that he paid and I didn't.  I think I'd end up leaving a body behind,    Oh, and of course he has even used the fact that he offered to pay for a holiday (that was never even booked), so I guess I'm also supposed to be grateful for things I could've had, if only I wasn't such a b***h!

Sound familiar to anyone?

[Lolster]

I found my exuBPDbf was very generous, but always with conditions attached.  He seems to use material items to use as a reason for why I should be 'nicer' (translates as why I should accept his bull s**t). 

E.g. He bought me a Xmas present the first time we were together.  I also bought him a Xmas present that was well thought out and meaningful, but he spent more money. After the break up he wanted back his Xmas present as I was no longer entitled to it.  Not sure if it was really just a means of keeping the contact going.  Not once did he offer to 'exchange' the present for the one I got him, just wanted back what he had bought.

This time around we had agreed just to be friends.  And on the basis of him needing support to take his daughter away on holiday (due to his now physical disability) he offered to pay for me and my son to go away with them, an offer I was doubtful I would take up anyway as I wasn't convinced he was 'over' the issues he had the first time round as he reported to be as I hadn't had much interaction with him, particularly in real time.

We agreed before we considered that we had to at least have the kids spend a full day together to see how it went, and regardless of anything else he admitted his daughter has no friends from school around so wanted her to have more fun than just he can provide.  So we planned a day out.  He knew I wouldn't have the funds to cover that day until the day after he wanted to go, but was adamant he wanted to pay for it anyway, so I relented and he paid for the bulk of it. 

It was after this day out that he began asking if we liked his daughter, and then the million dollar question of whether he had annoyed me, and the subsequent rage that followed when I was honest, without being disrespectful, and not given the chance to explain further.

The rage mostly centred on how he had paid for the day out, how he and his daughter had gone out of their way to travel to my home, etc etc.  Whilst it's true that he did pay, and they did travel, he appears to have forgotten a few important factors... .a) he doesn't have room to put us up for us to travel to him, b) he was the one insisting on the timing and paying, c) he totally disrespected our home and behaved like he had some entitlement to act however he pleased whilst he was here, d) he now seems to be saying it was all for our benefit when in fact he was desperate to have company & support for himself & his daughter to be able to enjoy a full day out.

Is it a common factor that they place so much emphasis on the material side of things?  Do they deliberately use it as a way to control?  Or is it just that they are so desperate to feel loved that they will give more than they can realistically afford (whether that be time or money) then feel betrayed that they bothered when they don't get the validation they are looking for?

I actually can't think of anything worse than a week in this mans company, being expected to put up with his petulant mood swings and complete disregard for myself and my son, based on the fact that he paid and I didn't.  I think I'd end up leaving a body behind,    Oh, and of course he has even used the fact that he offered to pay for a holiday (that was never even booked), so I guess I'm also supposed to be grateful for things I could've had, if only I wasn't such a b***h!

Sound familiar to anyone?

[Lolster]

Just to muddy the waters further:

It is my fault that his daughter now won't get to go away on holiday with him based on the following 'facts.'

When he first asked if we would go with them he already had the money saved, they were allegedly going anyway, which was then put over as it would be helpful if we went, but nice for us too.

I also appear to bear some responsibility for the fact that his daughter won't get to go on holiday at all now as her mother has decided to spend her holiday funds on further private plastic surgery, and it seems he isn't able/prepared to take her away on his own, as first indicated.

I've met his daughter ONCE yet I am expected to take more responsibility for her than her own parents?  Really?  What planet is he on?

At the end of the day out he informed me that he wished I were her mother... .which I found weird and told him so, on the basis of if I were her mother she wouldn't be who she is! 

[swiftkick]

Yep, after 7 years in a r/s with stbxh, he finally decided I was behaving well enough to deserve an engagement ring and subsequent very intimate wedding.  During a devaluation phase, he asked for the ring back.  His reasoning?  ":)O YOU REALLY THINK YOU DESERVE IT?"  Wow, not sure he could get much lower than that.

Loister, reading your post reminds me that this is exactly how he describes his own brother... .now I'm realizing how much projection he was doing at the time!

Don't you love how everything is centered around how you behave? 

[Popcorn71]

I think it is to do with control.

My exBPDh was very generous financially.  At first he never said anything about it.  But after a while he often made remarks about him paying for things for my kids etc. and how they should be grateful.  He also stopped me working, then threw it at me that I sat around doing nothing all day and that he paid for everything.

He always liked us to have two cars and insisted I use the better one during the week while he was working.  It wasn't a car I wanted or would have chosen but he insisted it was 'my' car.  If I referred to it as his, he would correct me and point out that he bought it for me.  But every time he left, he took both cars with him!

He also liked to make out that he was richer than he really was.  He thought money impressed people.  I think he felt so inferior that this was the only thing he had going for him in his mind.  He often bought rounds of drinks etc. and paid for things for people just to impress them.

Even my teenage daughter said after he left, that she always felt he was trying to buy her affection because he knew she didn't like him.

Perhaps it is linked to low self esteem or something - they feel that they have to bribe and pay for people to like them because they don't feel loveable?

[Lolster]

I think it is to do with control.

My exBPDh was very generous financially.  At first he never said anything about it.  But after a while he often made remarks about him paying for things for my kids etc. and how they should be grateful.  He also stopped me working, then threw it at me that I sat around doing nothing all day and that he paid for everything.

He always liked us to have two cars and insisted I use the better one during the week while he was working.  It wasn't a car I wanted or would have chosen but he insisted it was 'my' car.  If I referred to it as his, he would correct me and point out that he bought it for me.  But every time he left, he took both cars with him!

He also liked to make out that he was richer than he really was.  He thought money impressed people.  I think he felt so inferior that this was the only thing he had going for him in his mind.  He often bought rounds of drinks etc. and paid for things for people just to impress them.

Even my teenage daughter said after he left, that she always felt he was trying to buy her affection because he knew she didn't like him.

Perhaps it is linked to low self esteem or something - they feel that they have to bribe and pay for people to like them because they don't feel loveable?

Yes, I think they feel they need to pay so they are contributing something over nothing.  It makes sense why my ex didn't want to do the expensive day out when he knew I'd be in a position to fund at least half of it. 

[Sugarlily]

I found that my bf would use material things as an excuse for his poor treatment of others, as if that made it ok or things even. He would tell me how he had made a friend cry by criticising something nice she had done for him, then it would say but I took her out to lunch and paid. Therefore in his mind the hurt was wiped out.

In the end I used to try to pay for more than my share of things and used to dread him helping with something in the house as I knew it would be held over me if I was treated badly. He also expected me to be over grateful for anything he did, if he drove us somewhere he would expect endless thanks, but if I drove he would comment on how I had driven or parked or even the type of car I had.

I think it is both a form of control and self protection, as he can give without it meaning anything genuine or heartfelt, yet make himself feel better and justified.

[Lolster]

He does appear to place a lot of emphasis on everything he has being 'better' than anything anyone else has. If I mentioned a function on my phone for example, HIS would be ten times better, etc.

He even criticised the bacon I cooked him, the bacon HE buys is so much thicker.  Turns out when he told me which bacon he was on about it was the exact same brand/thickness.  He wasn't prepared to go and look in the fridge to check like I told him to though, because even if it WAS the same his was still thicker.