Thoughts on my anger

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

After I responded to the "update and rant" post just now, it was brought to my attention that I seem to be holding onto a lot of anger. (someone is very perceptive!) It was also pointed out that I'm not a victim of my wife and I do have control over my life. I do agree with that and while victim may be a strong word, I do definitely feel like people with BPD seek out those who will best serve their needs for the time being. Then they move on.

Why am I so angry? I'm angry because I feel like I was deceived. I was manipulated. I'm mad at her but honestly, I'm also mad at myself for falling for that. I've never been one to want to "save" people. I've never been in a codependent relationship ever! So why did I fall for it?

She came into my life just at the time when I was getting over my divorce from a guy, figuring out that I was attracted to women, and looking for a connection with someone. She was open, accepting, caring, sweet, and she needed someone who accepted her as she was. So I threw everything into that relationship! I gave her the stability she never had. I promised to take care of her forever. I don't think I'm necessarily a victim, but I attached myself to this person because it seemed to meet my needs at the time. So I can't discount the entire relationship and think it was all for nothing. I definitely learned stuff about myself from this whole experience. But I'm still mad. Like I posted yesterday, I really really loved her - but now I know that wasn't the real her. So it's hard to be sad about a relationshhip I feel like was a total lie.

[SpringInMyStep]

After I responded to the "update and rant" post just now, it was brought to my attention that I seem to be holding onto a lot of anger. (someone is very perceptive!) It was also pointed out that I'm not a victim of my wife and I do have control over my life. I do agree with that and while victim may be a strong word, I do definitely feel like people with BPD seek out those who will best serve their needs for the time being. Then they move on.

Why am I so angry? I'm angry because I feel like I was deceived. I was manipulated. I'm mad at her but honestly, I'm also mad at myself for falling for that. I've never been one to want to "save" people. I've never been in a codependent relationship ever! So why did I fall for it?

She came into my life just at the time when I was getting over my divorce from a guy, figuring out that I was attracted to women, and looking for a connection with someone. She was open, accepting, caring, sweet, and she needed someone who accepted her as she was. So I threw everything into that relationship! I gave her the stability she never had. I promised to take care of her forever. I don't think I'm necessarily a victim, but I attached myself to this person because it seemed to meet my needs at the time. So I can't discount the entire relationship and think it was all for nothing. I definitely learned stuff about myself from this whole experience. But I'm still mad. Like I posted yesterday, I really really loved her - but now I know that wasn't the real her. So it's hard to be sad about a relationshhip I feel like was a total lie.

[seeking balance]

I do definitely feel like people with BPD seek out those who will best serve their needs for the time being. Then they move on.

Yes, BPD do look for someone to serve their needs - we all do in a relationship.  The difference is their needs tend to change base on real or perceived emotional stimulus.  As a partner,this is a task that only very, very solid people with a sense of self and boundaries can handle.  Whether they leave or we leave, leaving tends to happen, thus we are on the leaving board.

Think of this -  even T's who treat pwBPD using DBT have their own T for each patient... .sums it up, wouldn't you say?

Do they move on?  Sometimes, not all.  I find it helpful to deal with my anger/loss when I focused on facts rather than fall into my own black/white thinking.  They don't all move on.  Yours did as did mine, and that hurts.

Why am I so angry? I'm angry because I feel like I was deceived. I was manipulated. I'm mad at her but honestly, I'm also mad at myself for falling for that. I've never been one to want to "save" people. I've never been in a codependent relationship ever! So why did I fall for it?

Hon, be angry - do it until you are done, it is necessary.

You know why you fell for it - you were vulnerable and coming out - that simple.  You needed that connection as it was answering a very core missing piece to yourself.  She helped you with that, but in the meantime completely did not respect the coming out process.  Fundamentally, this process is difficult - add a loaded relationship bond to it - hell yeah, you are going to be angry and hurt!  She violated your trust about something so vulnerable - but you are not a victim. You are strong, stronger than you even realize right now.

I don't think I'm necessarily a victim, but I attached myself to this person because it seemed to meet my needs at the time. So I can't discount the entire relationship and think it was all for nothing. I definitely learned stuff about myself from this whole experience. But I'm still mad. Like I posted yesterday, I really really loved her - but now I know that wasn't the real her. So it's hard to be sad about a relationshhip I feel like was a total lie.

It was not a lie - she was not capable of mature love - hers was love, it looks very different than yours.  And this is what I found so sad too.  I loved totally, I meant the wedding vows - having that all taken away was embarrassing, shameful, pushed my failure buttons.  I had no idea that I had put so much pressure on myself to be perfect that I settled for crazy because I wanted the security of someone who loved me for me.

There is a component to your story that has a lot more roots in coming out than even FOO or BPD.  When we are masking a part of our core self and someone sees it, we will attach to that.  Everyone wants to be seen and heard and loved for who they are.  You ex, was not capable of that and you didn't know until it was too late.  Please be kind to yourself as you grieve this loss.

As you navigate being OK with you - just you - you won't fall for these relationships. 

Be angry - I think I posted to someone to "take a bath with that anger" - eventually, it gets exhausting being angry and we lean into the pain.

Keep posting, keep processing 

Peace,

SB

[maternal]

I think most anger comes from hurt.  Particularly when dealing with what we have.  It's just a huge amount of hurt.  And you're definitely not alone in having fallen for it. 

Get mad.  Feel it. Go through it.  But don't hold on to it.  Get to the hurt and deal with that, too.

[Tausk]

My advice and humble opinion.  Be angry.  Be very angry.  Lean into the anger and get more angry.  Get it out, feel it, be one with it, appreciate it.

The emotion itself is neutral.  It's how we react that determines benefit or destruction in the long run.  But we need to feel our anger.

We need to process the lies, deception, infidelity, betrayal, abuse, manipulation, confabulation, broken promises, shattered dreams, injustice, lack of empathy, loss ... .and at least one of the people committing the above actions does not have the capacity to feel remorse and take responsibility for their actions.  All they can do is project, forget, confabulate, and run away.

There is no justice in such a situation.  And when there is abuse without justice, I feel anger.  

So feel it through and through and respond in a constructive manner.  Because we should feel anger.  When we don't feel our anger, we do ourselves an injustice and deny our needs.

We can validate the anger on this board.  We understand.  We have gone through the disbelief and rage.  

And there's nothing we can do wrt to our exes, because the person we look to help us does not have the capacity to help us, does not know how to take responsibility, does not know how to validate us, does not know how to provide us closure, ... .and does not know how to love as an adult.  

So let's all feel the anger and do push-ups til we drop.

[node4]

Truly epic fine sir epic... .

"We need to process the lies, deception, infidelity, betrayal, abuse, manipulation, confabulation, broken promises, shattered dreams, injustice, lack of empathy, loss ... .and at least one of the people committing the above actions does not have the capacity to feel remorse and take responsibility for their actions.  All they can do is project, forget, confabulate, and run away.

There is no justice in such a situation.  And when there is abuse without justice, I feel anger. "

Thank you for this sir... .thank you.

[MommaBear]

Truly epic fine sir epic... .

"We need to process the lies, deception, infidelity, betrayal, abuse, manipulation, confabulation, broken promises, shattered dreams, injustice, lack of empathy, loss ... .and at least one of the people committing the above actions does not have the capacity to feel remorse and take responsibility for their actions.  All they can do is project, forget, confabulate, and run away.

There is no justice in such a situation.  And when there is abuse without justice, I feel anger. "

Thank you for this sir... .thank you.

I second this. Needed to read it today. Thanks!