Good for you for sticking to your guns.
I've had some recent incidents with my ex and boundaries, too. Thankfully (so far) they haven't been mega-drama. The main one is that I don't want my ex in my house, especially when I am not there. She wants to visit while I'm on vacation because my house-sitter happens to be the mother of our granddaughter. So, when she finds out (as if I haven't talked to her about it before!) that I don't want her at my house, she sends me texts asking me why I think she's such a horrible person, what she's done, and what exactly I think she will "do", since I obviously don't trust her. In other words, she's a victim.
I wanted to say... ."What have you done? Where shall I begin?"
But I bit my tongue and simply reiterated what I want: "I've talked to you before about this. I just don't want you in my house when I'm not there." I didn't justify, argue, defend, or explain myself. I didn't get drawn into an argument. Will there be some kind of dramatic repercussions? Probably, but I'm going to enjoy today for what it is and not worry about tomorrow.
My ex cheated on me numerous times and already has another guy (had him since like I week after I got her out of my house, probably sooner). At first, she would cry and call me crying about how she will love me forever, etc. etc. Once she realized I wasn't budging, she had a few fits in the middle of the night where she would throw and smash things. Thankfully, I lived in a separate room, but you bet I kept my door shut! So, now she just wants us to be "buddies" and thinks I'm an awful (or stupid) person or wants to blame me for things when she feels like a victim. At least she's not trying to get me back, but it sucks having to deal with her and keep boundaries up so firmly. So, I feel your pain.
The part you wrote about him saying that you "get off" on his pain is ridiculous. Talk about trying to manipulate you with guilt! I don't know him at all, but the first thing I thought of was projection. My ex *does* get off on the pain of others. She revealed some things to me a few times that showed me quite clearly that she a) has "gotten off" on watching me suffer, intentionally doing things so that she can watch me writhe, and b) that she "gets off" on seeing men want her and then rejecting them. The thing is... .I already knew this about her. I sensed it. I could see it. But having her admit it during one of her lucid moments was quite confirming.
And I understand completely about "not happening under my roof." That is exactly how I feel and that is probably 90% of the reason I don't want my ex in my house. It took a lot to get her out and to re-establish a sense that I have some control over my own life and my own space. I'm not giving that up. My daughter tells me how "calm" it is as my house. I intend to keep it that way. There are few things I have control over, but that is one of them, and I'll take it.
It's like you are dealing with a child who really will not face the fact that they are monsters to those they claim to love. So, they don't understand. They have zero insight into why we no longer want them around. They really want to believe they are good people. I know my ex is desperate to believe it. And then I remember the things she's done and the damage done to my kids... .Boundaries are threatening and always will be. To them, a boundary implies that you don't like them, reject them, think they are terrible, etc. And I wanna say, "Yeah, I kinda do think that... ."
