Sabotage?

[Crumbling]

At least that's what it feels like, sabotage.  He made a promise to me.  We had agreed that he would support us for the next eight months while I get a business up and running.  We have just started our fourth month, and he has barely made anything.  I didn't take his casual, sure yea, responses for an answer either.  We had many discussions over this.  I've given him many pushes and a ton of help and support to help him get employment, while I'm writing plans, proposals, attending business meetings and seminars, doing research!

SO much effort I've put into our relationship, and the return is so little and still lacking so much.  He has turned down work.  He has quit a job.  He always has a reason.  Instead of walking into this with both barrels loaded, we're scraping the bottom of the financial barrel and I'm posed to jump over the entrepreneurial cliff without the safety of my parachute! 

My son says it's my fault for depending on someone besides myself.  Doesn't help even if he is right.  I need to feel like my husband is my partner, I've wanted to feel like we have achieved something together in the past ten years.  I thought this could be it.  This was going to be it.

But now, at this late date, I feel like my plans have been not only not supported, but sabotaged!  My friend says he's jealous.  But that's just so mean!  Could he really be that selfish, that cruel?  I don't think any of it is intentional.  But he really does totally doubt his ability to support us, even though there is no real evidence to suggest he can't.  He has held down jobs before, once for almost three years.

He can't say anything.  He knows he isn't helping.  He knows this has been so heavy a burden on me.  I'm being my cool, forgiving, supportive self, but it just feels like everything inside me is dying, and he sees it I guess.

Do I give up this dream?  I'm barely halfway to possibly making a profit.  If his end of the deal keeps falling through, we aren't going to make it.  If I have to abandon this plan, then I need to do it sooner rather than later.  I just don't know how to swallow yet another sacrifice for the sake of this relationship.

I want to run away so bad.  It's what I do when things are too much for me.  I've controlled it well since he's started therapy this winter, but... .this... .this is too much... .

What do I do?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Crumbling]

Well, he did it again.  Came home from work a little strange about his day last night, but we had friends over for supper, so we didn't get to talk.  They left, he jump out of the shower, and his boss calls.  Tells him he doesn't have to come back tomorrow, things aren't working out.

He won't accept any fault in the matter.  And to be angry would be to just push him over the edge, so here I am little miss calm, cool, forgiving, but boiling on the inside.

Last night, all night, I dreamed he was cheating on me with multiple women.  I feel like he has become my enemy number one, like he is the brick wall standing in front of me and I see nothing else - just him and his issues.  Apparently I cried out in my sleep several times.  No wonder, based on what I remember of the dreams!

It all points to me giving up my business plans.  We are going to be bankrupt if I keep depending on him for steady income.  And worse than that, I have no more faith, trust or hope that things will get better... .only a brick of pain where my heart used to be.

[Inquisitive1]

Crumbling, sorry to hear you're struggling financially. I am too.

I think you may have answered your own question. From what you've written it does not appear you can depend upon him. Someone once told me you can't depend upon a pwBPD for making long term plans. Their inability to regulate their own emotional states gets in the way. I don't think that is universally true, but it may be true in many situations.

I used to think my dBPDw was manipulating and sabotaging me, but I don't any more. Her behaviors are more a reflection of her own internal struggles and needs. So, if your husband is BPD, his behaviors may be more a reflection of his limitations than any effort to sabotage you out of jealousy. Bosses don't like keeping around employees who have frequent emotional outbursts.

[Crumbling]

Thanks for your response. 

I guess I am slowly digesting the magnitude of the effects his BPD can have on so many aspects of our lives.  I know his heart, and just can't believe any of this is intentional, yet he is so consistently unreliable that it seems illogical to think anything else.  I'm tired of giving up so much.  I feel like the child that waited and waited to be the first in line, only to be bullied out by my best friend.

... .financial difficulties are such a strain, on anyone.  For us, it seems to be a constant symptom of our existence.  The more I read about BPD the more I understand how this could contribute.  And the more weighted I feel. 

You're right.  The answer is obvious.  Gotta go have a good cry and then maybe I'll have the courage to update my resume.  Thanks again for sharing.

[Crumbling]

I've received such good advice here, and read so many situations that feel similar to mine.

 

I have always had this little thing I do that has helped me get through the worst of times.  I pack my bag, just one, and have it on the ready.  It's my escape hatch.  (I tend to run away from scary situations, did I mention that?  One time I spent the night in the neighbour's yard and slept in the car, just so I could get distance from him.  There was no one home next door, and you can't see between where I was parked and our front door.   There's a stand of trees in between, and if he got super duper freaky, and got dangerously in the car, I would see him and be able to stop him, or at least stand in his way.  He was drinking at the time.)

Anyways.  Packing my bag and making the plans to go has been enough, sometimes, to help me get through.  After reading your posts, I see my natural tendency to run has given me a great tool to cope - get distance.   So, yea, to God's design, I guess... .

But I have been pondering this idea of getting some space to re-coup and re-energize.  I do have a friend that I know would welcome me in, no questions asked.  I've always thought of it as running away and so I usually don't go anywhere, worried I'd mess things up in my own life yet again, or that he would do something irreversible with permanent damage that I would have to carry guilt for for the rest of my life.

 My father attempted suicide at least 6 or 7 times.  The last time he succeeded.  He had threatened it so many times, no one believed him, and no one tried to stop him.  I didn't grow up with him as my dad though, so I'm not sure how he would have been diagnosed.  Instead I grew up with a stepfather who molested me, who still lives with my mom.  Rock and hard place, eh?  I'd say this is where my PTSD started.

Anyhoo... .

I'm waiting on a yes/no response from a business partner that will either halt or bless the next step in its set-up.  I've been promised the answer will come tomorrow.  I will only need to make up my own mind on the matter, once I get a yes... .so.  If it's a yes, I am going to consider a temp separation scenario while I focus on the first few months of set up and he focuses on steady income getting.  Or I update my resume. I'm not going to try to do it from here, with him here all day everyday getting under my toes.  It doesn't work, I know that now.

From what I have read here, the best thing for him would be to take responsibility for his own actions, and our financial mess has his fingerprints all over it!  Leaving him to face the bill collectors and cancellations of utilities might be what the doctor would order ?

 

And... .I'm not really sure I'm ready to give up yet another piece of myself for him just yet.  Just because he's unhealthy and it makes him unstable doesn't mean I wont do well at it.  It strengthens me.  I have to learn from this recent mistake, and not rely on him for anything and make sure I stay healthy. If that's in my power, than why should I give it up?

For tonight, I'm just laying it on the shelf and perhaps I'll watch a movie.  

Sleeping on it,

crummy

[wishfulthinking]

I honestly have no advice.  My BPD/NPDh has screwed me over so badly financially I have bill collectors calling for the first time in 10 years.  We've been together not quite 2 years.  IDK what else to do on my end, but time after time I hear excuses on why jobs don't pay or how someone else screwed him out of money and it's never his fault.  NEVER.  He's taken money from people and not done the work and used the money to pay stuff and people he owed then didn't have the money to do the work.  I try to stay out of his business because knowing the reality would really hack me off.  He finally has given me some money after almost 2 years twice now.  He's bought or traded for groceries in the past, but never paid money toward bills.  He gave me 450 beginning of last month when he got paid from a job he got fired from and now he's working for someone else and supposedly last week they didn't pay him but this week he gave me 260... .If a job didn't pay me, I wouldn't go back... .so not sure if I truly believe that.  Anyway, I just want to tell you good luck and I hope you realize you are worth having a successful life and not having to struggle and you are WORTH IT.  Do what makes you happy for once.  You are not alone.  I tried to start a business around January and my car broke.  Couldn't fix it, no money.  Had to share a vehicle.  He always made excuses to go somewhere or to need the vehicle and I was stranded at home.  Needless to say, never was able to make it work.

[flowerpath]

Crumbling, hold on to your dream of starting your business.  I too am working on establishing a business, but I had to realize that that my husband is not going to be able to be my Plan Z while I work on Plans A and B.  I’ve had to work on it a little at the time while maintaining full time employment because our family needs my steady salary and the health insurance benefits that my workplace provides.  I’d like to make the jump from full time employment into this other field that I truly love, one that’s not so financially secure, but the reality of the situation is that I have to move into it a little at the time instead. 

For years and years, I expected my husband to be financially responsible.  No matter what I said, things did not change.  His overspending, credit card debt, and rocky employment history have made our lives incredibly difficult, along with his anger, rage, etc.  I finally came to terms with the fact that no matter how I want it to be, it is the way it is.  For far too many years, decades in fact, I expected my husband to be financially responsible, be the one to take the financial lead, go in the right direction for our family, and be consistent in that so I could accomplish my dreams; however, I did not understand that he really does not have the skills to do it. 

If I had taken a good, truthful look at my situation all those years ago, set appropriate boundaries as soon as I realized there was a problem, and developed better solutions for managing our finances myself, things might have been very, very different.  I might have been able to be a stay-at-home mom until our kids started school instead of crying because I had to sign the work contract year after year, and I might actually be doing what I love full time now instead of part-time. 

No, it’s not fair, because a partner in marriage is supposed to be there for you.  But I think it’s entirely possible to find a way to reach your goals in spite of the fact that you don’t have support.  Maybe not exactly the way you want to or as quickly as you want to.  But it’s possible. 

[Inquisitive1]

I hope you get a yes and a chance to pursue this opportunity. If not, you can always retrench and create a plan to pursue it later that is independent of your husband.

I'm not sure the leaving him at home to face the bill collectors is going to teach him anything, but if that's what you need to do to pursue this opportunity then that's what you should do.

[Crumbling]

ITS A YES! I'M SO HAPPY RIGHT NOW I'M VIBRATING!

[wishfulthinking]

Yaayyyy!  Thank you for letting us know and FOLLOW YOUR HEART AND DREAMS!  We only live once and deserve happiness.  Good luck!

[Inquisitive1]

Congrats!

[flowerpath]

Congratulations!   

[Crumbling]

We had a great night last night.  We had a celebration night.  We had a great meal and then went to the beach, to watch the moon come up. 

Of course, my joy dictated the mood of the evening, and it was good, I actually made him laugh at one point.  It was like bells from heaven, and it made me realize how long it has been since I've heard his honest, unexpected belly-laugh... .then something I read here came to mind, and I realized how hard life must seem to him.  How much burden he shoulders, even if most of it is brought on my himself, still, it must feel like he lives constantly in a torture chamber.  I threw my arms around him, and held him tight for a long time.  I still care.  I care for him so much.  But now I have a vague sad recognition that my love for him needs to be... .more distant, or something.  Maybe more unconditional, but less involved somehow.  I don't really know, all I do know is that now I feel more like a parent to him, and less like a partner.

And now the choice is mine.  I can stay or take temp leave, if need be.  I1 is right, it would sort of feel like revenge if I left him in the lurch right now, leaving him alone to face the music.  But like I mentioned before, to run is my instinct, so thanks for the solid advice.  He has another job interview today.  Fingers crossed, this one works out.  Best part is now I have a clear focus other than him to divert my energy to.  Thanks to everyone for the encouragement, stories and support.

I like it here 

[Inquisitive1]

sounds good crumble. I really like this phrase of yours "more unconditional, but less involved."

Maybe to stay sane in a marriage with a pwBPD you have to strive to love unconditionally, while at the same time remaining emotionally separate--not influenced by their wild emotional swings.

Feeling more like a parent... .and being a bit like a parent too. Not a complete partnership or equals. At the same, needing to maintain respectful of your adult partner.

Whether you stay or go, you need to set boundaries to ensure his mood changes don't mess up your new business which will undoubtedly demand a lot of your time and effort, especially at first.

[Crumbling]

I've stayed.  I couldn't let him face the music alone.  I still feel like I'm being sabotaged, tho.  He hasn't found work yet.  He sleeps till 10 everyday, up till late watching tv.  He applies for work, then lingers on how he would hate the job, goes for the interview and never gets called back.

It's been a month and there has been basically no money come into this house.  Only income is the small jobs I've done.  That only puts us in the starving artist category, below poverty.

I was applying for part time work, so that I could still work towards getting my company up and running, but no call backs yet.  He keeps encouraging me to get full time work, even though he knows that if I get full time work, my financial backers will bow out of the deal - this business requires full time attention.  And I still need to get one more yes before the company really gets off the ground.  I just don't know how we are going to eat the in mean time.  And he is of no help.  And I1 is right, working from home would be much easier if he wasn't here 24/7.

I'm pretty sure nothing would make him happier than if I supported him financially and he could just sleep, eat and smoke all day.  I've done this many times throughout our marriage, but I'm not ready to do it now.  I'd rather end up in the poor house.  There is no reason why he cannot work, but in his mind he has a choice.  He sees the job postings and muddles over whether or not he would enjoy the job.  As he did this before his interview yesterday, I said the only choice you have is do you want to eat or not.  It didn't work, because he didn't get the job.

I'm at my wits end.  Dreams crumbling before my eyes, I've spent this morning applying for full time work.  I didn't sign up for this.  I didn't promise to support and baby him till death do us part.  My get the hell out instincts are so strong right now.  It's likely a good thing I have no money, because I would likely get a one-way ticket to anywhere else.  I can look after myself.  I don't need him. 

When I think about taking full time work, and throwing away all this progress, I hate him.  It would certainly put a great distance between us if this is what results.  I don't know if I could ever look at him again if this happens.  Damned if I do, damned if I don't.

I wish you had one of those little smiley face icons that is pulling her hair out in frustration.  That is how I feel.

[formflier]

ITS A YES! I'M SO HAPPY RIGHT NOW I'M VIBRATING!

Can you give us some details on this?  If part of your plan is to leave your pwBPD for a while... .please try to get some strategies to lessen the impact of abandonment fears in him. 

Likelihood of you leaving or making a big change in the r/s without him also changing is pretty slim.

Hang in there!  Sounds like you have lots of big life choices coming... .

[Inquisitive1]

That sounds frustrating Crumble. I'm experiencing a bit of the same frustration as my recently unemployed wife spends much of her time isolating in the bedroom either sleeping or watching TV. I feel some empathy for her because leaving the job is a blow and depressing, and it's only been a couple of weeks. But it is very frustrating, like trying to run a race while carrying an anchor.

I start thinking of practical solutions for you. Can find someone who'd take you in while you tried to get your business off the ground? Maybe let him know if he doesn't get a job soon, you'll choose to move out so you can pursue your company. This would be difficult and he probably won't react well. You'd need to do some homework to be sure this was even practical. For example, I couldn't do this without selling our house because the mortgage is in my name, so just moving out doesn't make sense for me. Maybe start developing the plan for separation privately and have some really honest conversations with him about how you're feeling. If you know you're taking steps, you will have a different attitude when talking to him. That may help you communicate to him.

Good luck.

[wishfulthinking]

Crumble, YOU DESERVE HAPPINESS, we all do.  He is not going to get a job.  You will lose your dream you are so close to living.  IT IS ATTAINABLE.  YOU CAN DO THIS.  Will you spend forever resenting him and then eventually leaving him if you lose this opportunity?  What the difference between leaving now and actually doing it for a GOOD REASON or waiting for another 5 years of him not pulling his weight and you being miserable and resentful and leaving just because.  I know we love our BPD's or we wouldn't be with them.  Maybe a trial separation so he knows you are serious and maybe it'll bring him some reality of what he is losing?  Mine needed that.  Since I kicked him out in July, he's been working very hard.  He will even tell me when we argue that he can feel himself wanting to rage, but he is controlling it because he loves me and is trying.  I have to admit I thought I'd never see that day.  He isn't steadily working, but is working more than he was, which was not at all or a week here and then nothing.  It's increased, but isn't perfect.  I'll give that a little more time, but I get tired of hearing that "just one more week and things will start catching up" when they are in no way going to catch up so quickly.  But I do see improvement... .I had to LEAVE HIM to make him see.  I still don't trust and don't know if I ever will, but I can appreciate how hard it must be for him to monitor himself so well when that disorder is so ingrained in him. 

I had to think of myself, you need to do the same.  Short term and long term.