Why am I doing this?

[drummerboy]

After several months of no contact I sent a goodbye email to her about a week ago. I don't know if she has blocked my emails. I've been feeling pretty good lately but just now I went onto Facebook on a bogus account (she blocked me) and almost wrote her a message. It was weird but my heart was racing and my hands trembling. I started to compose a message and then cancelled it. It was going to be pretty nasty, I was going to say stuff like "Why didn't didn't you tell me you suffer from BPD" and "Your father raped you when you were young didn't he?"

Why have I got this obsession with getting her to explain her actions and getting some closure?

[Infern0]

Get a grip man, I know exactly how you feel but get ahold of yourself. 

Get a punchbag or listen to some metal,  get it out in a healthy way because contact with her is just going to get you in a lot of trouble

[camuse]

Bauie, I feel exactly the same and it is very frustrating.

I've also been feeling really good lately and my life is very full, but last night I had a dream where I confronted her. It was only a dream, but very vivid. I desperately still want answers to the same questions and more, but I know she is the only person on earth who is never going to answer them. I wish I'd been more inquisitive - why didn't I go through her phone when we were together for example? It never crossed my mind, but I wish I had. I just want to know what was really going on. But it doesn't matter, we have no contact, and I just want to move on. But the thoughts just won't leave my mind. So I understand why you want to confront her.

Don't message her, you know it will only harm you. You will never get your answers, and that's hard to accept. I'm hoping eventually I won't care any more, but it's taking a long time and is very frustrating indeed. Other relationships never bothered me like this, it's the total lack of closure that makes it hard to detach and move on. I'm sick of it.

Stick with NC and give it time, there must be a point where these thoughts cease.

[BuildingFromScratch]

I think it's pretty normal to want to know the truth, I still want it too. They won't give it though "they can't handle the truth". :P

[drummerboy]

I never suspected of her cheating on me, how could she, she was almost with me 24/7.

The thing that I still can't get over is how someone could go so full on to... .nothing, without even an attempt at an explanation. It's at the point where it's like she has a spell on me yet I know these thoughts come from my unresolved issues which I am getting counselling for.

I guess I'm expecting her to act like a normal person where you want out of a relationship, which is perfectly acceptable, and you have a talk about it and say your goodbyes. That's what normal people do. But to profess undying love one minute (not long before she walked she told her dad that she had never loved a man like she loved me) and then... .zilch, nada, gone! Is so hard to fathom.

I am so grateful for this website and the great, understanding people on it!

Bauie, I feel exactly the same and it is very frustrating.

I've also been feeling really good lately and my life is very full, but last night I had a dream where I confronted her. It was only a dream, but very vivid. I desperately still want answers to the same questions and more, but I know she is the only person on earth who is never going to answer them. I wish I'd been more inquisitive - why didn't I go through her phone when we were together for example? It never crossed my mind, but I wish I had. I just want to know what was really going on. But it doesn't matter, we have no contact, and I just want to move on. But the thoughts just won't leave my mind. So I understand why you want to confront her.

Don't message her, you know it will only harm you. You will never get your answers, and that's hard to accept. I'm hoping eventually I won't care any more, but it's taking a long time and is very frustrating indeed. Other relationships never bothered me like this, it's the total lack of closure that makes it hard to detach and move on. I'm sick of it.

Stick with NC and give it time, there must be a point where these thoughts cease.

[Rise]

Why have I got this obsession with getting her to explain her actions and getting some closure?

Because if you were in a "normal" relationship it wouldn't be unreasonable to expect some type of explanation at the end of it. But when your ex is disordered, normal rules don't apply. You aren't going to ever get a satisfying answer as to why she did the things she did, because the truth is, she probably doesn't understand herself.

The best lesson anyone on here ever taught me is that closure is an internal process. It comes from within you. If you look to other people to provide it, you're never going to get it.

[Infared]

Bauie, I feel exactly the same and it is very frustrating.

I've also been feeling really good lately and my life is very full, but last night I had a dream where I confronted her. It was only a dream, but very vivid. I desperately still want answers to the same questions and more, but I know she is the only person on earth who is never going to answer them. I wish I'd been more inquisitive - why didn't I go through her phone when we were together for example? It never crossed my mind, but I wish I had. I just want to know what was really going on. But it doesn't matter, we have no contact, and I just want to move on. But the thoughts just won't leave my mind. So I understand why you want to confront her.

Don't message her, you know it will only harm you. You will never get your answers, and that's hard to accept. I'm hoping eventually I won't care any more, but it's taking a long time and is very frustrating indeed. Other relationships never bothered me like this, it's the total lack of closure that makes it hard to detach and move on. I'm sick of it.

Stick with NC and give it time, there must be a point where these thoughts cease.

Camuse... .you REALLY nailed it from a man's perspective. REALLY. The frustrating bit is, we can do NOTHING to solve it or fix it. NOTHING.  They are very sick, selfish people with a very nasty game to play. Contact is an exercise in pain. We have to love ourselves and avoid it at all costs.

[Infared]

I never suspected of her cheating on me, how could she, she was almost with me 24/7.

The thing that I still can't get over is how someone could go so full on to... .nothing, without even an attempt at an explanation. It's at the point where it's like she has a spell on me yet I know these thoughts come from my unresolved issues which I am getting counselling for.

I guess I'm expecting her to act like a normal person where you want out of a relationship, which is perfectly acceptable, and you have a talk about it and say your goodbyes. That's what normal people do. But to profess undying love one minute (not long before she walked she told her dad that she had never loved a man like she loved me) and then... .zilch, nada, gone! Is so hard to fathom.

I am so grateful for this website and the great, understanding people on it!

I have had the same abrupt experience as you, Bauie, after living with my pwBPD for 5 yrs.

I think everyone who posted here had the exact same experience as you have had.  I have no answer for our pain and sense of longing and need for closure, but I am grateful that we have all come here and honestly expressed our experience and our feelings. It is somewhat soothing to know that others have experienced this insanity as well.

[Mutt]

Why have I got this obsession with getting her to explain her actions and getting some closure?

It takes time for the heart to catch up with your head. It's a serious disorder. I found it difficult to accept that my wife was mentally ill. I was in denial for a long time. You can give yourself your own closure. I think accepting that she is mentally ill and can't give you closure needs to be first.

Do you still feel like you are in denial that she is sick?

[workinprogress]

Get a grip man, I know exactly how you feel but get ahold of yourself. 

Get a punchbag or listen to some metal,  get it out in a healthy way because contact with her is just going to get you in a lot of trouble

WOW, Dude.  This is exactly what I used to do to cope with my wife!

She was so freaking cold to me!

I would go for a jog then come home and beat the crap out of a heavy bag I hung in the garage!

It's the only thing that kept me sane!

[drummerboy]

I don't think I'm in denial about her illness. I'd never heard of BPD until after we split, (She had dGAD and often talked about depression and bi-polar) When I read the BPD traits she had almost every one of them, the one she didn't have was lying, she was a very honest person.

I can see where you are coming from, if I was in denial it would mean that I was expecting her to be missing me as much as I miss her. From what I've read BPDs don't miss their exs.

I'm seriously at the point where, despite how good the early months were, I wish I'd never met her

Why have I got this obsession with getting her to explain her actions and getting some closure?

It takes time for the heart to catch up with your head. It's a serious disorder. I found it difficult to accept that my wife was mentally ill. I was in denial for a long time. You can give yourself your own closure. I think accepting that she is mentally ill and can't give you closure needs to be first.

Do you still feel like you are in denial that she is sick?

[Mutt]

I can see where you are coming from, if I was in denial it would mean that I was expecting her to be missing me as much as I miss her. From what I've read BPDs don't miss their exs.

You're expecting a rational explanation from the mentally ill.

[Take2]

I constantly am bothered by the unfairness of it all.  I don't claim to be perfect.  I admit it when I've done something wrong.  Turns out I apologize for many things I've NEVER done wrong.     But it truly makes me nuts that I forgave my ex over and over and over for truly abusive treatment, horrible actions.  And then get discarded over and over and over for being told that I'm throwing myself at male coworkers who I have cut out as much as possible and severely interfered with my job!   It's so not fair. 

And many, many people have said to me "you can't argue with crazy".  My T says "you wouldn't try to rationalize something with a crazy homeless person on the side of the road would you?" 

Letting go is a concept that applies to so much of my experience - and that hardest part... . 

[Conundrum]

A great time-saver is the Beatles "Hello-Goodbye." It's like cliff notes for a BPD relationship. They can stay in your life forever--if you don't need them to stay in your life forever. When you need them to stay in your life forever--one way or another they're gone. Relational needs push them away. Their inability to meet relational needs shames them. Hello-Goodbye... .nonsensical relationally. Accept or do not--there is no try (butchering Yoda).

[Tibbles]

It takes time for the heart to catch up with your head.

That is such a good way to put it. Thank you. My head knows this divorce is a good, healthy thing to have happen. My heart breaks that it is happening. My heart looks to see all the good in my ex and hopes it will come back and we can be together. My head knows there is no way that will every happen. I am his trigger now and it is done. I don't know if my heart and head will ever agree, I think a part of me will always want to be married to him and my head will always think thank goodness I am not married to him. I guess I just have to find a way to find peace with it.

[drummerboy]

WOW, what you have just written is EXACTLY how I feel. Thanks for putting it into words.

It takes time for the heart to catch up with your head.

That is such a good way to put it. Thank you. My head knows this divorce is a good, healthy thing to have happen. My heart breaks that it is happening. My heart looks to see all the good in my ex and hopes it will come back and we can be together. My head knows there is no way that will every happen. I am his trigger now and it is done. I don't know if my heart and head will ever agree, I think a part of me will always want to be married to him and my head will always think thank goodness I am not married to him. I guess I just have to find a way to find peace with it.